New lows

I took an HPT yesterday. I've been doing that now coincident with Betas. It was positive. After last week's disappointment I couldn't even venture a guess as to whether it was more or less positive than last week's when my beta was 28. I just don't trust myself with the shades of "faint pink" anymore. All I know is that I could see the line. And it disheartened me. So I went to get my blood drawn on Easter Sunday. The lab was pretty empty. I remember consoling myself with the thought that even if the number hasn't budged, no one can make me get another MTX shot. At this rate, waiting for it to go down on its own might take less time than waiting out a second dose of MTX. In other words, even if it takes five months for HCG to go down without another injection, this is still less time than it would take for the MTX to be out of my system and for me to have a couple months of prenatals under my belt and feel comfortable TTC again.

I just got a call from my Dr. She said the levels are 21....(!) I'm trying not to get too excited because if there's anything this experience has taught me, it's: don't do that. But she did say "this appears to be working." And I have to admit that I'm relieved. -7 points in four days is a lot better than +1 in two weeks and suggests that the drug has intervened effectively. Still no symptoms which has bothered me. Except that my BBTs continue to plummet. 96.76 this morning. This too is a new low.

I asked about the possible second failed pregnancy and the reasons it may have failed. She said probably it's because it was "too soon out of the blocks," and mentioned that if I wanted, we could do some additional tests (thyroid, etc.). Thyroid seems to be an answer to a lot of things. I am all about more tests when it comes to TTC. The Dr. was worried the lab techs know me by name by now - I said I didn't mind, I'd rather have the information than not.

I also asked about what to expect in the way of symptoms. The zero bleeding in 3.5 months concerns me a little (ok, a lot). It's what originally got me thinking about Asherman's I had to leave that question with the receptionist who misinterpreted the question and asked the Dr. if a little bleeding was normal. The Dr. said yes. So I had to have them recast the question and she responded that no bleeding is also normal. I'm just going to let it go. As long as the numbers go down, I'm happy. Except that she recommended I don't drink until the numbers are zero. It isn't enough that I swear it off for any future pregnancies I might have? It's forbidden until this ridiculous non-pregnancy clusterF is over too? I have a family gathering coming up this weekend and so as not to raise the wrong kind of suspicion, I think I'll cheat a little at that point. But I think I can be good for now. It's very difficult. I LOVE wine.

I have suspicions that my co-worker who just got back from maternity leave in January is pg again. We've rescheduled happy hour twice for her and she's found some excuse twice. "Oh I forgot, my husband is out of town and I have to pick up my kid that day." Mmm-hmmm. Maybe I'm just being hyper aware and making things up. And she is still breast feeding, so it could be nothing. But I don't think she'd tell me even if it was something. And it's sad 'cause it's not that we're not close - we are. I've told her everything about my experience and she always has good advice. I think she would try to spare me the news. So the reason she wouldn't say anything would be pity, not lack of depth to the friendship. That is why I sometimes regret telling anyone about the m/c. I only told 4 people outside DH and myself, and on the whole I'm glad I did 'cause I really needed the consolation. But once in a while, I could do without the pity and the reminders.