Turns out the m/c was just the beginning 3.10.09

I’ve been avoiding this blog. I hate re-living the first time I knew I was pregnant, it makes me sad. But I’ve come back to check on early symptoms. I’ve been tracking my HCG down from 53K (day of D&C), I started having pretty substantial period type pains and finally called the dr. ‘cause this whole process is getting ridiculous. It’s 68 days past the procedure and there has been NO bleeding, breakthrough or otherwise, very little CM, and no other symptoms except for the cramping. So immediately I’ve started to freak out about Asherman’s. So I called, and the Dr. told me to come in and get a couple beta tests. On Wed it was 44. Then I tested Friday. 44 Again. Her theory was that I had gotten down to zero at some point, gotten pg again, and am now miscarrying, Wed having been the incline and Fri having been the decline. W/ respect I tried to protest that my levels have not ever been at zero. I’ve been taking tests every four fucking days and not one has come back true negative. So I have to think that they’re plateauing at 44 which seems more probable than her theory given how long its taken for the levels to come down thus far. I mean really? We just happened to catch the peak of a new pregnancy? The other theory of course is the converse of hers. That I was coming down toward zero, O was triggered, and I’m now PG and HCG is going back up. I will find out any minute what the new number is. Best case scenario, over 100 (new pregnancy, hormones are where they should be). Next best, under 44 (still trending down, albeit slowly). Worst would be 70-ish, like yes there’s a new pregnancy, but it’s not growing correctly. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hope for the first scenario. But I am so convinced that I will be disappointed.

Results: 49. Damn. She thinks it could be a new, unsuccessful pregnancy or a lingering piece of tissue. I think the latter. I would hope a new one just now starting to take off. But that seems less likely. She wants me to come in for more testing next week. Will do.

At this point I’ll be more disappointed if they do go up a little more than if they go down. I don’t want this to be a second failed pregnancy. If they go up a healthy amount I’ll feel better than I would if I’d won the lottery. Because I think it’s just about as likely that they will.