Aftermath 1.9.09

This has been maybe one of the worst 7 days of my life. Relatively speaking. Like how much disappointment and anxiety can you squeeze into seven days. Last Friday the m/c and “minor surgery,” then no work, then awkward dinner with a client and a couple senior co-workers at which I almost fainted and end up not being able to eat much of my gourmet meal. Plus I had to excuse myself to the bathroom twice in one hour. One time for an extended stay during which I had my head between my legs trying not to pass out and panicked, wondering if I'd snap out of it. And the whole thing about the partner not inviting anyone but me was bizarre and stressful and made me ask an associate to come and thus put the associate in an awkward uncomfortable, unbillable position. Then today our salaries get frozen.

Also I called my dr this week re: resuming sex and ttc. They said wait 2 weeks before sex, 2 cycles before ttc. My Ass. I’m not waiting two cycles. I probably won’t use b/c on the first cycle. Though I think I can refrain from actively trying until after my first period. I’m already charting again. My temps are about 1 deg higher than the were pre d&c but that may be because my waking time is one hour later. Or it may be because I had minor surgery or because my hormones are in turmoil or another billion reasons why. I’m so sad not to be pregnant. I don’t cry anymore but I’m kind of mad at the world and yesterday my co worker said I seemed morose – she thought it was because I didn’t have work but I was perusing her baby book at the time (she just came back yesterday from maternity). I know it’s cliché but I want a baby SO bad!

I’m afraid to tell DH about the salary freezes and the layoffs even though it would make good conversation because I’m afraid he’ll decide we shouldn’t have a baby right now and he won’t be interested in trying. Fortunately his job is going well, he’s really in demand right now. I just don’t need another disappointment in my life. Even the wedding is kind of a let down. I can’t get excited about it – or the showers this weekend – because I thought I would be going through it all with the knowledge that my baby was alive and safe and that the whole world was about to find out about it. And that would’ve been ok.

Instead I’m frustrated, tired of waiting, sad about the setback, and spending tons of money on the wedding that I won’t even enjoy because it can’t be everything I had imagined at this point. I had imagined our baby would be there too. And that the aftermath (telling everyone) would be even more exciting than the day itself. Now it all seems pretty superficial. I’ve even noticed a depressed effect on my shopping. It could be subconsciously I’m responding to the economy or that I really don’t need any more stuff, but I think it has a lot to do with the fact that once you have a baby growing inside you, nothing else seems quite as important. I just pray I’ll be able to have a baby survive – and now I know how miraculous and wonderful that would feel. And I won’t take it for granted. So that’s good, but it makes me so sensitive and judgmental about people who raise the topic at inopportune times or make light of it or complain, and I would hate to turn into one of those people reminding everyone else of how lucky they are. I just want to be there.

My symptoms have been abating, also sad. My breasts don’t hurt as much, I don’t feel as sick, I don’t have all the food aversions and cravings that I used to, I don’t need as much sleep, my belly is getting softer. But my Hcg levels were pretty high for an early m/c – 52,000 – so it may take forever to return to my normal cycle. But I feel glad I’m charting so I’ll know and so if I do get pg right away I’ll be able to date it. There doesn’t seem to be any real evidence that trying right away raises your chance of m/c. It seems like if your body is healed and ready it will conceive and if not, it won’t. I think the only way I’ll make DH wear a condom is if my HPTs are still positive by the time we’re allowed to resume intercourse again next Friday. I don’t want HPTs to be come meaningless. That would be difficult. But then again, I have the charting. Thank god – something to make me feel in control of something. Everything else is a cluster F.

Here’s something interesting saying "why wait:"
Author(s): Wyss P ; Biedermann K ; Huch AAffiliation: Clinicand Policlinic of Obstetrics, University Hospital of Zurich,Switzerland.Title: Relevance of the miscarriage-newpregnancy interval.Source: Journal of perinatal medicine. (JPerinat Med) 1994; 22(3): 235-41Additional Info: GERMANYStandard No: ISSN: 0300-5577(Print); NLM Unique Journal Identifier: 0361031Language: EnglishAbstract: There is a wide divergence of opinionconcerning the interval a woman should wait after a miscarriage beforeattempting a new pregnancy ("pregnancy interval"). Many authorsrecommend waiting 3-4 months in order to reduce the risk of anothermiscarriage [3, 6, 17, 21]. This retrospective study investigatedwhether a longer pregnancy interval lowers the risk of repeatmiscarriage (R-risk) and/or prematurity. The association between parityand R-risk was also analyzed. Results showed that there are no provenreasons to recommend a waiting period between a miscarriage and asubsequent pregnancy, because the R-risk was around 20% irrespective ofinterval duration. Prematurity too is not influenced by a waitingperiod after miscarriage. There was, however, an association betweenparity and R-risk and risk of prematurity: nulliparae were more likelyto have a repeat miscarriage (p < class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_42">thenext pregnancy (p < class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_43">achild.