PREGNANT!! 11.18.08

I have tested positive for three days now. I’m officially 4 weeks and 5 days. Not very far and not very ‘official’ but pregnant, nonetheless. For the first 48 hrs of knowing I felt a lot of fear and apprehension, primarily aimed at the risk of miscarriage and, to a larger degree, the fear of delivery. I tried to go down on Zoloft (which i have taken for about two years at 50 mg) but decided I don’t need any extra anxiety in my life in the next couple weeks and it wouldn’t be good for the baby’s chances so I went to alternating between 50 and 25 each day. I must have taken about a dozen HPTs in the last three days (sometimes three a day). Just to make sure. Time is inching by. I haven’t been able to sleep much, and it’s still my own secret. I haven’t told DH. I've only told the dentist so they wouldn’t x-ray me. But even w/o the xrays the whole time in the dentist chair I was stressing ‘cause I hate the feeling when they brush your teeth and I was tense and trying to force myself to relax and maybe not doing the best job. I really enjoyed the little microcosm at the dentist of people talking about my “baby” and when is it due and stories of their own. I felt instantly better. But now it’s back to solitary. I’m going to test every other day for a few days (right!) and tell DH just before we go away this weekend. I got a card and everything. I kinda feel like want to keep it to myself until there’s no risk, but of course that time will never be. I will be 9 days past my first trimester at my wedding so no need to tell anyone and probably no need for a new dress. Tho I am thinking of telling my BFF since she’s coordinating my bridal activities and will notice right away and will be hurt if I don’t tell her and will be an awesome source of support no matter what happens. The other individuals I may have to tell are my parents since I’ll be going through my dad’s bday and xmas without drinking (rare for me). Or maybe I’ll fake it through, take a couple sips, make DH drink the rest….they might suspect but so be it.
I’m a little concerned about genetic testing which I guess can’t be done until the 2d trimester (so says my dr. although I’ve heard of earlier tests). But I’m still in my 20’s and pretty healthy. So I don’t really know what they’d tell me that I don’t already know – you have a very very very small chance of having a baby w/ DS.
Ok, now I have to find a way to focus on work.. I really need a stable job now. It’s been a bit of a problem for the one day I’ve known but its also kinda fun having a secret. Symptoms aren’t that distracting, its just the knowledge of how life is about to change.
Symptoms include fatigue (though I can’t yet tell if its worse than normal or if I’m just losing more sleep over the excitement), an increased ‘awareness’ of my uterus for lack of a better description – it doesn’t really hurt, just feels heavy, swollen to the touch, tiny tiny crampie feelings that don’t hurt much and are kind of reassuring that something is actually going on down there, boobs are sensitive but not that bad, not that sore. Heartburn and nausea only very very occasionally. I’m sure those will get worse.
Dr appt not until Jan 2. which freaks me out frankly. I have an OB (she refuses to do by GYN ‘cause she’s too busy being the best OB there is) that came highly recommended by a co-worker. But now that she won’t see me til jan 2 and didn’t give me any real advice in the beginning, and considering my co-worker's birth experience (it was pretty bad) and her choice of dentist (also bad) I’m beginning to have anxiety about this choice as well. I think a lot about getting a doulah or midwife but don’t have any interest in giving birth at home. I’d frankly rather just hand myself over to the medics and just try to survive until the baby gets here.
Let’s hope it sticks.
Later on today…took my first digital test. I was afraid to take one because they’re so damn objective compared to the lines which are up for interpretation. I took the tests after I got home from shopping for little baby shoes so there was a risk that after deciding on a way to tell DH that I’d get discouraged by a negative test. But no such thing happened. It said "pregnant." And I put the little shoes in a shoe box and when he asks if I got new shoes I’m going to say, yes, but don’t be mad, they’re really cute. Check em out...

Everyone else is... 9.19.08

I should say something here about AF. I was going to coast along to next month’s cycle before writing again, since we haven't been super ambitious about trying yet and obviously nothing has happened, but this stuff may be helpful to keep track of too. It’s been light and long for how light it is. I keep expecting it to end. Even thinking maybe I am pg and spotting. But I think not and I dare not risk the disappointment of another clear negative pg test. Most of my symptoms faded as soon as I got my period. Though I often wonder how much of that kind of thing is all in my head.
I told DH jokingly that we didn't get pg this month and that he needs to shoot better next time. He retorted that I needed to let him shoot. Fair enough. I am excited to try again. One of my co-workers just announced her pregnancy. Two others are on maternity leave, a fourth is battling morning sickness - this all out of five girls of child-bearing age at my job. I, being the fifth, feel left out. All of the sudden our friends have kids. Our co-workers have kids. We don’t fit in anymore. It would be one thing if we were doing our own thing and happy with it. But we want kids. Now. So getting left behind is kind of a cruel trick. The dog is amazing though. Truly we love him. He’s a good stand in and like the Fertility files say, helps to stave off accute bouts of baby fever. He also brings out a side in both of us that we've never seen in each other, or perhaps ourselves, before. A nurturing and protective, at times even paranoid side that convinces me we are cut out for parenthood and also, much to my relief, shows that we can parent together, as a couple - that our relationship has a chance at thriving with kids in the picture. This is important to me as I've seen many disenchanted couples bemoan the changes in their marriage post-kids. I'm not naiive enough to think there won't be changes. I am just happy to see that we're both committed, for better or worse.
I still have very very very little appetite. And the whole constipation thing. Strange. This could all be hormonal - just my body getting back to a 'normal' it hasn't used in over ten years. It’s amazing I even had a period. I am grateful for that. But I will be more grateful to start trying again!.
I am worried about stress. This has been one of the most stressful weeks of my year. With certain drama going on at work and looming deadlines and functions and appointments. Luckily I’m not in too much of a rush to get pg. it would certainly be worse if it were February and still no pink line.

Not Pregnant 9.16.08

No more denial. I am not pregnant. I took an HPT today on the same trip to the bathroom that I found out AF had arrived. This has to be second best to being pg. Maybe even better, given the timing, and this being my first cycle off of birth control. 1) because it means I’m healthy, ovulating, w/ an exact 28 day cycle (first day of my last was August 18). 2) I am a legitimate reader of the fertility files of such websites as Parents and Parenting and can now time my BD patterns and garner more accurate results from certain symptoms and cues and not have to take a $10 pg test every other day to satiate my curiosity. 3) even if I get pg at the next possible point, I likely won’t have a problem getting into my wedding dress convincingly so I can continue to plan and get excited about the wedding with abandon.
So really it’s a good result. My only concern is – what about that positive test(s)? Was it a fluke? A colored evaporation line? Should I never use that type of test again? It was generic….or was it something sadder like a miscarriage or chemical pregnancy? I did feel some very pregnant symptoms…but could those be chalked up to my ovaries working again? Grinding out of retirement?
In any case. We'll continue not to use protection again this month, but I have a week reprise and may even treat myself to a glass of wine.

It's all in my head 9.14.08

It's a funny thing, denial. I took two pg tests yesterday. Both showed a very faint but very definite line – but not really a bar, just a thin line, and it did get markedly clearer after the allotted 10 minutes. It’s all I’ve thought about since 24 hrs ago. Are my boobs swelling? Why else could I feel so nauseous and where did my appetite go? Perhaps the same place the heartburn came from? That and what am I going to do about the wedding(?!), of course. What dress, what date? What am I going to tell friends and family and work….I raced home to buy more tests thinking I’d get a firm answer today. I also got a card for my fiancée that I will give him if/when I get pg. So I took the test and I did get a firm answer. A firm no. No of course seems more likely than the semi-yes’s of yesterday. I took my last pill one month ago and the idea of getting a positive test today is kinda crazy. But stranger things have happened, I suppose. I’m having trouble accepting it though. Because of all the symptoms. And because I spent the last 24 hours thinking I might be a mommy. I was in Longs today and some asshole (total stranger) ran up behind me and tried to scare me by growling at me w/ a halloween mask on. He succeeded and congratulated himself on finding a convincingly scary mask. I was wrought with anger. I jumped, almost had a heart attack, and I hadn’t even seen the stupid mask yet. And the first thing I thought is that the asshole was going to make me miscarry. I have the protective instinct somewhere. But I have to admit that I was a bit relieved by the result ‘cause it might suggest I can go ahead and wear the wedding dress I bought and be excited about what people will think rather than worried.
Symptoms today:
· Cramps and pangs –mild
· Dehydrated
· Really nauseous last night. Little appetite today.

Introduction to Babymaking, the blog

My significant other and I (I'll henceforth call him "DH") started trying to get pregnant about six months before our wedding was scheduled. I expected this to be a long process, since my mother had miscarriages. And however misguided that notion might have been (there are plenty of reasoned arguments out there saying most types of miscarriages are not hereditary), the process has turned out to be as arduous as I had expected. And then some. In all honesty, we weren't really "trying" for the first two months. The wait-and-see mentality governed, and frankly, I wasn't so keen on the idea of being 6 mos pregnant in my wedding dress. And like I said, I thought it would take forever. I just didn't anticipate the whys and what effect the causes would have on my psyche, my every moment of every night and every day, my relationships, and my approach to pregnancy in general.

The third month we did start trying. I decided the thought of not being 3+ months pregnant at my wedding was far worse than the thought of maybe having to try to hide a little weight gain and fake-sip the champagne. I also started to think, true to my perfectionist form, if I can't get pregnant in three months of unprotected sex, maybe I'll never be able to get pregnant(!). Baby fever had set in, full force. And it worked. Actually trying (charting, using pre-seed, timing things well, doing it a LOT) resulted in pregnancy that first month. I was elated and my further blog posts begin with times prior to the first "BFP!" so I'll leave the details for the posts that follow.

As I've progressed in this process I've learned a lot. And one of the most important things I've learned is that, whatever your situation, you are not alone. This is, of course, a cliche but sometimes, in our very darkest and most desperate moments, cliches will do. And in less dark and less desperate but just as confused and frustrated times, it helps to have the support of others who really know what you are going through. Who not only empathize but who have lived through it. My hope is that pieces of my story will resemble pieces of yours and that you will find some of the hope, solace, and information that you have been seeking. And in this interactive medium, I hope to find answers too, and people to share the process with. This process that gives so many women something so intimate in common. It's my humble opinion that to miss the opportunity to connect with other women journeying through this time together, would be a monumental and inexcusable waste.

So I welcome you to read, comment, and share your own stories, opinions, and understanding. That's what this blog is about.