Nothing good comes easy 3.27.09

Today is 12 weeks from the D&C. I should be pg again by now. Or, if I was good, I would be getting to try again now. But I’m neither. My HCG Wednesday was 27. This is a huge improvement over the 40’s I was in a few weeks ago. But of course not enough and with room for another plateau. I’m hoping for the best. Interestingly, I’m starting to get more (not less) hurt by the process as it wears on. More hurt by my co workers' new babies, by pictures of my friends’ kids. It’s overwhelming how much I think about it. The kind of thoughts that you just can’t control. And I bring it up with DH even though I know he doesn’t really want to hear about it. In part I think he doesn’t want to discuss it because he feels helpless and maybe like he doesn’t have much to offer. In part it’s also his approach to life – don’t worry about things you can’t control. Third, I think he doesn’t want to hear BDing equated with too much technical medical stuff. And fourth, I think it makes him feel inadequate on some level. So it’s kind of a lonely process. I can’t vent to anyone safely. I don’t want to get too deep into it with co-workers, even the two close ones that know about this whole ordeal. I don’t want to burden DH with it because I want him to remain positive about the babymaking process. Hopefully the slate will be wiped clean soon. A clean slate is something I appreciate now more than ever, like being able to even try again would be a momentous gift. I never lose sight of the fact that it could be much much worse. I could have lost the baby at 6 or 8 months. Or could have had a severely disabled child. Or I could be dealing with fertility problems other than just one m/c. But as a friend reminded me yesterday, it could be a lot easier too.