Disappointment

Next time I feel the urge to leave work at any time between the hours of 8am and 6pm for a blood draw, I plan to look back at this post to remind myself of all the reasons why that's a bad idea. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. TRAFFIC. Everywhere. From the elevators to the parking lot to the streets to the waiting room. Who knew so many people were running around town at 10am? What are you doing? Shouldn't you be at work? And if you're not at work, how about sleeping in? No, apparently 10am is thee time to get your blood drawn. The waiting room was packed. And I hate waiting. For anything. I would rather spend twice as long getting to my destination as long as I am moving or doing something the whole time than wait around doing nothing for even a few minutes. And I forgot my book so I really was doing nothing. Typically I stop by the lab on my way home from work at 6:15 just before it closes and sometimes I don't even have a chance to sit down, it's so empty. I don't know what possessed me to go early today. Actually I do. My Dr. is off tomorrow and I wanted to get the results in time to have a chat with her about them, just in case they really were at zero.

2. It's about 150 degrees outside. So 250 degrees in my car.

3. Because of the points made in number 1, it took about 7 times longer than usual to get the test done, forcing me to miss the noon meeting [read: free lunch] I was hoping to get to. So instead I dropped $10.50 on a bagel and fruit salad. And I lost my fabulous parking space at work. Which is an even bigger deal today than usual because I happen to be wearing heels. High ones.

4. The morning shift lab techs don't know me. While that may sound like a positive, given my experiences described in the Pregnancy Lady post, it turns out that the default needle used by the mid-day staff is about a 6 guage. My lab techs know that my tiny veins require about a 32 guage. Ok, I might be exaggerating - maybe on both ends of the spectrum - but even if I am, it's not by much.

5. This one has nothing to do with what time I went to get the test and everything to do with the insensitivity of the OB/G department staff, so I'll add it to the complaints just for kicks: when I walked up to the lab desk they checked me in and told me I had two lab slips. One for today and one for 48 hours from now. I can understand a few slips in this industry now and then concerning the sensitive treatment of people who have lost a pregnancy. I can handle a couple of off comments. I can forgive the male lab techs who probably aren't trained in this area and likely know nothing about the female experience of a miscarriage. But the consistency of the insensitivity is really quite astounding. This was just the latest exampe because I know, and you dear reader probably also know, that there is no reason to get the second beta 48 hours later unless you are dealing with the possibility of a viable pregnancy.

6. As long as I'm airing grievances, W(hy)TF haven't they come up with an in-home beta quant test???? I can't even begin to imagine how much i'd be willing to pay for one of those. Hundreds. Maybe a thousand.

7. It was all for nothing - no one called me back with my results. Even after I called to follow up this afternoon. So I might as well have waited. 'Cause I won't get to talk to my Dr. anyway until Friday.

Lesson learned.

I didn't take an HPT yesterday morning. Usually I do on the days I get a beta, just to compare. I'm not sure why I didn't today. I think it's because I was afraid of seeing a positive, like last week, when really my levels were well below the minimum detectible amount advertised by the test. I didn't want to see an evap line or a real line and then be depressed all day today and maybe tomorrow. I wanted to be blissfully unaware of any reason to think my levels were anything other than zero. Also, I'm tiring of the high-maintenanceness of my TTC routine. It's starting to feel a bit obsessive. And all of this testing and recording and researching does nothing for my ability to concentrate on other things. So I figured I can let some things slide once in a while.

ADDED:

A story about more insensitivity, this time from DH (say it isn't so). I was recounting yesterday's aggravated wait for the lab results and said at the end, "I'm so frustrated." He responded "you're easily frustrated." And there it was.

What I wanted to say: "You m[beep]er f[beep]ing a[beep]h[beep]. How the f[beep] can you say that? As if I haven't been through enough s[beep] this year to be a little stressed out. Really? You think I need a few more hits before I'm entitled to be frustrated? I haven't been through enough? And while we're at it, the only way you could even make such a d[beep]-bag comment like that is if you had been completely oblivious to what's been going on with me for the last four months. How can you be SO ignorant of my ongoing frustration when not an hour goes by, not a single hour, that I don't think about what's going on - with us, with our future, with my betas, with our chances, with my body, with my relationships to my friends?!?!??! I dare you to try to spend five f[beep]ing minutes in my head and see how easily frustrated you get."

What I really said: "I have waited every day since January second for some resolution. I am entitled to be frustrated. I think anyone in my situation would be."

He conceded: "You're right, I understand. I do." B[beep] S[beep]t.