When status quo isn't

I should be working, but the wait for my HCG results is driving me nuts. I can't concentrate. And I'm really nervous. Like shaky. Sometimes I remind myself of a chihuahua. I feel sick to my stomach, no appetite, and totally distracted and this is only the beginning of perhaps a year of weekly HCG checks. I keep wondering what it means that I haven't heard yet (so far that's been a telltale sign that the news isn't good - she calls right away if it's a low number, sometimes the same night I get the draw!). You'd think I'd be pouring myself into my work as a distraction, and while I do have my frantically productive moments, it's not as comforting as being online with you all or chatting with co-workers about other things. Speaking of talking about other things, I've found I quite crave it. I just got off the phone with a co-worker who's on maternity leave. We were planning a happy hour for tonight (at which I will not be drinking). She knows about the m/c and the mysterious HCG levels and asked if I was "all healthy now." "No." I said, actually disappointed that she had asked, and proceeded to give her the update. It has felt good to have people to talk to about this in the past few months, but I'd rather spend my time talking to my non-IF friends about something else. I do enough ruminating on my own, I like having other people who have been through this to chat with, but around my other friends, I'd love to talk about anything else, the weather, workplace drama, vacations, even other peoples' babies. I want to find comfort in the caring words of people who have never been through this and who had easy peasy pregnancies, and there are some wonderful and sensitive people in my life fitting this description who have been very understanding and helpful. But I can't get away from feeling like Debbie Downer around them and knowing that while they are going out of their way to be supportive, one's words can only be as authentic as the experiences behind them. Also, I don't want to be that person that you have to be super sensitive around. And their sensitivity, while well-meaning and appreciated, is also a stark reminder of my situation.

I don't have any symptoms except a very very might-be-in-my-head minor AF-like heaviness. No real cramps. Nothing is 'coming out.' Everything is just blah. Feels a lot like the first injection. I have to think that if I was getting close to zero, I'd feel something more. This feels like status quo. And status quo is 20-40. It's bizarre the things you notice when you start watching particular aspects of your body like a hawk.

UPDATE: Beta is 15. Still. No wonder she didn't call back right away. And no wonder I don't feel any different and my temp has been exactly the same for the whole week. I'm on the phone w/ the gyn-oncologist trying to make an appointment. MTX #3 is scheduled for Friday. If I was on Twitter I would tweet something like: Trying to keep from falling apart at work.