There is no baby 1.3.09

Little did I know, it was the first scan that I should have been worried about. I was so convinced everything was fine. ALL the symptoms were there – breast soreness, food cravings/aversions, nausea, I was 11 weeks along without any spotting or cramping, my uterus was growing, I really didn’t expect a bad result in my heart of hearts. And neither did my doctor. Who is awesome, btw. She was talking to me about symptoms to expect in the next trimester and how she was going to print out photos of the little one to show DH, who couldn't be there, and the next minute we were looking at a dark ultrasound screen. There was a yolk sac (the drs said it was enlarged and thus, abnormal) and an embryo that looked like it had stopped growing at about 5 weeks – it was a dot, we could barely see it. There was no heartbeat and no way the pregnancy was viable. In just a fraction of a second, my dreams were crushed. It wasn’t as trite as that, I was on a high high provoked by finally getting to see the big day and the ultrasound and being convinced that all the symptoms I’ve been suffering from for so long are good signs, the dr. telling me as soon as we see the heartbeat we’ll be 95% in the clear for the rest of the pregnancy. She really didn’t qualify her words at all. I had showered and shaved and lotioned for the appointment. And then we were looking at the ultrasound and there was no fetus. Not knowing exactly what I was looking for at this stage, I kept hoping it was hiding or that there were other places she could look. But as she kept looking, and when she brought in a second dr. (routine second opinion) who was a little more direct, it became clear to me that it would be obvious if things were ok. The dr. was very sweet. When we found out she put her arm around me and gave me lots of time to make up my mind about what to do. At the same time she offered to do a D&C the same day so I could move on with my life. She gave me time to think about that too. I still felt rushed in a lot of ways though. Rushed to get my head around the nightmare that had just happened. I felt so resistant as I was looking into that screen. Like I could prevent the worst by hoping hard enough or being defiant or by waking up. I was supposed to be walking out w/ renewed hope and the most amazing little pictures that had ever been taken of me and instead I was crying to DH on the phone, telling him there is no baby, crying in the lobby trying to decide whether to do d&c with or without general anesthetic.
I decided on local for two reasons – 1) so my dr. could perform it in her office, the same office my exam had been in, she made me feel SO comfortable, and 2) because I hate the idea of being put to sleep. It was such a simple procedure – the injections of local were unbelievably painful but I think I would do it the same way again if I had to. And I may have to. I took a valium before hand and then could get up and leave pretty much as soon as it was done. The only ramifications today are soreness in my inner thighs (weird) and having to take an arsenal of medications – antibiotics and uterine collapsers and anti bleeding meds.
The dr. didn’t seem interested in my mom’s several m/c’s until after we saw the ultrasound. I’m not sure if she was grasping for reasons (probably for my sake if she was) or if this was now a genuine concern. I don’t know if I feel comfortable asking my mom for details. Especially since it’s not supposed to be genetic. It's supposed to be the luck of the draw. Though of course there are confounding genetic factors that can make m/c more likely. So now of course I’m scared of those.
And I’m angry. Angry that it’s not as easy for me as it is for my friends. Angry that I have no answers, just ‘better luck next time.’ Angry that the office made me wait so damn long to find out that my pregnancy had stopped one week after I found out about it. I went through the entire holiday season not only not drinking, but trying to hide the fact that I was sick too. It was miserable. I’ve probably raised suspicion at work, I’ve lost hours to morning sickness, and it wasn’t worth it in the end.
I am really glad I didn’t tell many people. REALLY glad. I wanted to tell my parents at certain points, and I also wanted to buy maternity clothes and open my books, but something told me – just wait. Wait to throw out all the facial products w/ salicylic acid, wait to buy the best belly butter, wait to look at where I should register. And you better believe I’ll be even more cautious next time.
I’m really upset I didn’t have an earlier appointment and hopefully next time, the dr’s will take this concern seriously.