Spotting

I'm spotting. Brown. So far. No cramping. But still, this is distressing. There is no reason I can think of for spotting right now - waaaay past implantation, no sex in days... If I were going to miscarry, this would be a perfectly normal time for that to happen - 6.5 weeks. I didn't think this week could go any slower, clearly I was wrong.

UPDATE: I don't want to jinx it but, at least for now, the spotting seems to have lightened. And it hasn't turned red or pink. And my symptoms are alive and well, I'm about to down my third zofr@n of the day. So unless things get worse, I think I'm not going to call the dr. I'll just raise the issue at my next appt and tell the DH a few more days w/o sex ain't gonna kill him.

What a great way to bring in the new year. In the words of the great Count!ing Cr0ws - "maybe this year will be better than the last."

Sick

Disclaimer: The following post should in no way be construed as a complaint. It is merely a factual account of what's going on in my life lately, plain and simple. And what's been going on in my life is that I'm SICK. No one should assume that I'm disappointed or upset by this new development. I am just, simply, sick.



At the beginning of the week (a work week for me) I was eeking out a good four billable hours - from home. By this morning I couldn't get out of bed. I've been vomiting about 4x per day and feeling debilitated in-between. I haven't been able to finish the new dog run so I haven't been able to test it out. And I have all kinds of company planned for this weekend. Which will require lifting my head off the pillow. It will also require cleaning my disgusting, post-christmas mess of a house...but, baby steps, y'know? And if I can't manage all that, I will have to cancel and disappoint the masses. That would be a disappointment for me too since it's the last time I'll have a chance to see my sister until June.

It's a struggle to keep food and water down. It's hard to eat in the first place, NOTHING sounds palatable. DH keeps telling me to rest and forbids me to go to work. I keep telling him ok I will rest, but that rest will not really help unless my life somehow permits me to do nothing but sleep for the next six weeks straight. If I'm lucky. Maybe more. One does not 'recover' from m/s after a good night's sleep.

One thing this really drives home for me is the inequity between men and women in the workplace. How on earth can the world expect women to work like this? It is beyond reason to think it's acceptable to have an employee hanging her head over a toilet and puking out their guts until they're dehydrated and shaking and have tears coming out of their eyes and the next minute, literally, back at their desks finishing up that memo. You have got to be kidding me. What man would do this? When V was pregnant she had to take a week off due to m/s. She had to take vacation time. I'm basically looking at the same option. That seems wrong. As happy as I am to see m/s, this is no vacation. Not in the sense that Bill or Sam are taking their wives to some exotic location for scuba and sailing for two weeks. Where is the 'morning sickness' billing code?



The thing that does make me worry is - and there's always something, 'cause that's what I do - I felt sick last time too. Not this early, but it came. Week 8-the end. I was sick. But I still could make it to work. Not so now. I can barely make it out of bed to my computer at the dining room table. Last time I still craved certain kinds of food. Right now I can't get anything past my lips except the occasional plain dry cheer!o and those liquid yogurt drinks. So it's different, but my point is that I have been through enough to know that morning sickness does not equal a healthy pregnancy. I can't even have that.

Anyway, I think I've tried just about everything. Dry, bland food, mineral water, I stopped taking my prenatal, I put on some Se@ bands and was vomiting within 15 minutes of putting them on. Nothing is working. So I called my OBG explaining what's going on and asking if there's anything she can prescribe or recommend. The message back from her nurse was - go on our website and read our recommendations for m/s. Then watch the Utube video. A Utube video?? My OBG happens to have written a paper or something on m/s. Somehow this makes her not only the authority on the subject but also the authority on whether or not I need a script - without even having spoken to me. Amazing, this woman!



I told the nurse, as politely as possible, the things I've been doing. I told her nothing is working and that I wouldn't have called - wouldn't be asking for category B prescription medication - unless it was serious.


She suggested eating small meals throughout the day and clear liquids. I told her, again, that's what I've been doing. Finally she asked which pharmacy I use. This is the third time I've had to explain that this week. Yes, now I'm complaining. That office is a clustereff.

I then watched the Utube video while I waited for a call saying my script had been called in. It suggests (no prizes for guessing) eating dry foods, avoiding odors and using se@ bands, among other obvious things. If only it was that easy. Somehow I knew a video wasn't going to fix this. I don't blame her for making sure I've tried other methods before writing the script. But she should have trusted me when I asked for it. She should have known that I would have thought of these things already - given that this is my second pregnancy. My second round of m/s. Given how 'well-read' (her words) I am. I was reminded of a ye!p review of this particular obg which warns that the obg accused the reviewer once that the pain from a procedure the reviewer was receiving was "all in [the patient's] head." That sounds about right. Accusatory, doesn't listen, defensive. I hate this woman. I'm thinking of finally making the switch to a new obg following the first u/s. I know, you'll believe it when you see it.

Anyway, this brings me to this morning. The morning I couldn't get out of bed until noon when I crawled down the hall to get my phone. Still no call about the script. Now I have a renewed blinding hate for my obg. Doesn't she understand that this is becoming an emergency? I feel like a dried out piece of leather, my urine is cloudy. I could miscarry if I'm this dehydrated. Is she only going to take me seriously if I check myself in to the emergency room for an IV? Would that be worth it given that the emergency room is basically a hotbed of germs, infections, and flu viruses? Pretty soon I won't have a choice.

Then it occurred to me that she would have to be an absolute inhuman cretin not to have taken any action for the last 24 hours so I called the pharmacy to see if the script had been called in. It had. Thanks for letting me know h-b obg. Now the question became - how would I ever manage to (a) take a shower and (b) drive to the pharmacy?

Solution: I used the last 8mg tablet of zofr@n that I had gotten last January for a stomach bug. I had been saving it for an important day on the chance that I somehow would not be able to get a script. I only took half and it barely touched my symptoms. I got the script (12mg/day for 30 days, no refills) and got back and now I'm able to sit upright and read and I'm drinking yogurt. This is progress. I took the other half just now and am praying for a miracle.

Am I willing to lie in bed or hooked up to an IV for six weeks (or more) for my baby? Yes. Am I willing to lose my job over this? Absolutely. But if it's unnecessary, why take things to that extreme? And there's still a lingering doubt in my head - a fear that this will all have been for naught. We'll find out soon enough.

Good sick vs Bad sick

So here's the holiday breakdown. It didn't get any better following our furbaby problems and losing my wallet. Christmas eve we make a trip to DH's relatives. There were only seven people there aside from us, but still, the odds of someone being sick were sky high, I realized. DH's cousin A and cousin B both sounded sick, I realized within minutes of arriving. Oh nooo I thought, anything but this. Please please please. I'm about four days from the one month post-fertilization point - the point when the neural tube closes. The point before which it is particularly important not to get a fever.



I tried to talk myself down - it could be that they just have colds. I can handle a cold. Bring it. I will not let this ruin my xmas eve. And then I overheard cousin A talking to cousin B:



A: so you sound like you have something too - are you sick?



B: No, no, this is what happens when it gets wet and [something I missed] and I'm allergic. It's just allergies. It happens every time it rains.



A: ooohhhhh. That's too bad, is there something you can take for that?



At this point I was sitting right next to A and my protective instincts were in overdrive. Forget the family relationships, you need to know what you're dealing with here. So I interjected with a thinly veiled attempt at sounding casual:



Astrid: So, A, is yours allergies too?



A: no, I got pretty sick, I had the fever so I think it was that flu or whatever that's going around. I had a fever Monday and then, what day is this, it's Thursday? Wednesday, yesterday, it finally broke.



Astrid: ooooo, that's too bad, I'm so sorry. [In my head I'm thinking - perfect - I'm sitting next to someone with the flu. Whose fever broke yesterday. Who's still caughing and sounds horse and all the rest of it. You're contageous as long as you have symptoms. She's been breathing on me this whole conversation. And I hugged her on the way in. And I think she kissed my cheek - greeks are like that (DH is greek). I'm going to get the flu. I just am. It's over.]



I tried to avoid A for the evening. Which was sad because I LOVE A. She's the cousin I get along with best. But I couldn't see past my panic and infuriation. When I noticed her serving up pieces of a certain dish, I decided that although it was one of the only vegetarian dishes that would be served at dinner (not to mention one of my favorites), I would have to avoid it.



At one point DH and I stepped outside to check on the dogs - who we left in the car (it's California so it wasn't too cold). And I mentioned to him that A had the flu. "Oh yeah," he said, "she said she wasn't feeling great." "I'm really scared of getting the flu," I mentioned. I didn't really think I needed to point this out given the whole flu shot standoff, but I said it anyway. Remember, there was no logic for me at this point. Only panic and self-preservation. "Oh," DH said, "ok, we'll just stay for a little while, and then we'll go."



I knew we would not stay for a little while. I knew it would be at least 3 more hours, minimum. That's how it goes at these events. My game plan was just to stay as far away from A as possible. And to not touch anything.

So we went inside and when it was time for dinner DH pointed at the seat immediately to the left of A and suggested I sit there - in front of the entire group. I responded, defiantly, "Why don't you just scoot in? It's easier, I'll sit on the end." But DH wanted to sit on the end to be closer to his uncle. A immediately jumped up so I could get in to my spot right next to her. So I moved toward the spot, feeling trapped and frantic. And as I sat down I turned to DH and said in a barely audible whisper "I can't hon, I can't get..." and thankfully, he got it before I said "sick" which someone probably would have picked up. He switched with me. It was still awkward because A couldn't figure out why I wouldn't want to sit next to her. She looked confused and concerned. "I haven't spent much time with your uncle lately," I insisted. But it was still awkward because no one could figure out why I would rather sit next to the patriarch who is pretty much deaf and therefore not the best conversationalist. But again, I wasn't really thinking at this point. I was just reacting.



The rest of the night went similarly. During presents, A gave me hers and stopped to talk and at one point let out this giant sigh, blowing right in my face and I felt myself losing hope for any life that may dwell in my belly.



I dutifully fake-sipped the wine all night and DH dutifully drank it. I hugged A at the end of the night with my face pointed as far away from hers as my neck would allow it to go. And I noticed DH and her giving each other giant kisses on the cheek. While DH's flu shot gave me some comfort, I realized that her germs were left all over his face and that while it would be difficult to maneuver a christmas eve without kissing my husband, I would manage somehow.



The whole evening I felt a sense of failure, depression, fear. And the next morning, christmas morning, I woke up at my parents house feeling...sick. Sick as a dog. Like I couldn't stand up for long without getting sweaty and shivery and needing to sit down or feeling like I needed to puke. More tired than I have been, more nauseous than I had been. I was sick. I asked my mom for a thermometer.

And I didn't have a temperature.

And I still didn't have a temperature that night when I was throwing up after taking my prenatals. And I about started jumping for joy at this point. I was GOOD sick. I was having morning sickness. Nevermind that it was 11pm.

I blamed it on a 'stomach bug' all weekend but I don't know if my family was fooled. If they knew, they didn't show it. Except maybe my dad, he said a few things that made me think - he knows. It must have crossed all of their minds. Hmmm, let's see...our almost-30 daughter, married for one year, never says a peep about whether or not she'll have kids. Got both dogs, got the good job, a three bedroom house...it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why she's puking intermittently for three days without any other symptoms.

In contrast to last christmas - when I also was fake-sipping the wine and trying desperately to hide the nausea - there was no giggly talk between DH and I on the way home about whether anyone suspected. It was a moot point. There might be no baby so there may never be a big reveal, F what anyone else thinks they know. They don't know. WE don't even know. It was a reality check - the silence about the whole thing. We've just noticed that I'm sick now and gone on with our lives. We don't associate it with a pregnancy or a baby - we just carry on.

As miserable as I feel, I appreciate every minute of it. Truly.

I did have to stop taking my prenatals, or at least some of them. I'm still taking 800 mcgs of folic acid and the DHA supplement. Has anyone else had this problem? Do you just skip the other vitamins for a while? Take kids vitamins? Any other suggestions? TIA.

Fa la la la la

Last night my billion-yr-old neighbor stopped by to tell us that our fur baby was out-of-control barking all day long yesterday. This is the second time he's had to tell us and he's already complained to animal control once. I am in a panic over the poor dog - I think her bark collar stopped working...or she got used to it. And the ultrasonic devices we set up are apparently having no effect. My worst nightmare is her being impounded - I think I'd have a meltdown on the order of losing a family member or something. So of course, as soon as I hear she's being a problem again, that's right where my mind goes and I pretty much have a meltdown anyway. I got her a new collar, DH and I are making plans to put a dog run in on the other side of the house, the neighbor sounds like he understands that we're willing to do whatever it takes (just please please please don't call animal control again!) but I can understand why he'd be annoyed. I'm glad he's talking to us for now instead of authorities. But this process is trial and error. And I so worry about my furbaby.

I "worked from home" today to see how she did with the new bark collar and to do some last minute christmas shopping. On my VERY last trip - it was to a candy shop called "see" with an s at the end - I get to the cash register after 1/2 hour in traffic 15 minutes to find parking, and 15 minutes in line, and lo, my wallet is not there. I fumbled around in my purse for a while and checked all my pockets, but to no avail; I had become that girl at the register with an armful of gifts and no wallet. Eff, I must have pulled it out of my purse while I was looking for my reading glasses at home. So I get back in my car and go all the way home. And still no wallet. So I turn my house and my car upside down, all my pockets inside out. No wallet. Effing awesome. And I have to add here that I NEVER lose stuff. I am compulsive about most things, including my wallet. COMPULSIVE. Like I check every five minutes to make sure it's still in my purse and I refuse to leave it in the car, even hidden, in case someone breaks in. Even today, I could remember exactly the last place I touched it. (I think when I was on my way to my car I dropped it into my purse without looking and accidently ended up dropping it onto the parking lot without realizing it.) I heard a survey once saying that more people would rather lose their wallet than their phone if they had to lose one. Not me, losing my wallet is like losing an arm. And five years off my life for all the stress it causes.

This means that now I'm not only down a whole billable day at work, on edge about the dog, fully hemorrhaging money, but also without enough gifts, without any form of cash, no drivers license, and about two days worth of dog run building, DMV visiting, and credit card company calling to get in before next week. I am seriously about to have a meltdown.

From 1dpo I have been convinced that this cycle had no chance. That there was too much stress in my life to grow a baby. I still maintain that it will be a miracle if anything good comes out of this. Every day that passes seems like I've just gone and f--ed things up again by getting stressed or upset or getting overheated or eating the wrong things or doing something too jarring or physical or not drinking enough water. Sometimes I wish I could have a do-over. Like ok, NOW I'm ready for a bfp. Now I will do it justice - I will deserve it. Erase all that stuff that happened before, I'll start over and I'll do it better this time. I'm told it just doesn't work this way.

Fortunately, all the chaos has kept my mind off of pregnancy (other than the whole worry about worrying cycle), and has kept me off of google. And nothing really seems wrong so far. No cramping, no spotting, my symptoms, while light, are still kicking. I haven't gotten a fever or done any of the BIG no-no's. So maybe this isn't a lost cause. There I go ruminating again, I'll be better off back in the chaos...

But before I go, can I just say that the deluge of family christmas cards and photos of kids is getting downright annoying? I used to look forward to a time when I could send one out too. But I'm about to be so annoyed that even if I do have a little one I may never do it. You know what they say about how people become better looking the nicer, better people they are? Well, turns out that it goes for their kids too. I'm really only annoyed at picutes of kids and "our year in essay form" from couples that I am not particularly fond of. I have to admit to being genuinely interested in the kids of those couples that are true friends. Like the nice couples have cuter kids and more interesting lives.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Pretending

I am a vegetarian and I made DH (NOT a vegetarian) and myself some stir fry last night. (DH and I have mended our rift, btw.) Tofu and veggies. Yes I am aware that tofu contains ridiculous amounts of estrogen for something that's supposed to be made out of bean curd. Yes, I am trying to 'cut back' on my soy intake, but my intake was pretty moderate to begin with so I'm not too worried. Anyway, on with my story. I added four ingredients to the tofu and veggies - eggs, soy sauce, teriyaki sauce, and a black bean and garlic paste (which itself contains about seventy eight ingredients so I exaggerated when I said I only added 4). I make this dish a lot. It's a really easy way to get lean protein and vegetables into my system. It's great over rice but since I spend most of my day scarfing carbs I try to lay off them at night. But this is not a cooking or diet blog so on with my point. In the large number of years that I have been making this dish I have been totally contented with the ingredients I mentioned above. I have never really felt a need to go outside the box, so to speak. Today, however, as I took my tupperware full of left over stir fry out of the microwave at work I spotted some packets of honey on the counter by the sugar and splenda packets and thought, OF COURSE! Within two minutes I was back in my office drizzling honey all over the stir fry like it was the most obvious idea in the world. And it tasted pretty good. Hit the spot actually. I'm not sure what possessed me. Was I just feeling adventurous? Or was this...a craving....?


I also put pickles on the conveyor belt at F*od M@xx for the first time in a long time this weekend. It was so unusual that as DH was putting it into our bags he looked over at me as I was paying, held it up, and mouthed the words "did you get this?" with a quizzical expression on his face, in order to make sure he wasn't about to pack someone else's groceries.

(Other) Symptoms:

• I think i am peeing more than normal. I think.
• I am really really extremely thirsty ALL THE TIME. I feel like I should be hooked up to an iv. I am drinking water by the gallonfull. I guess that alone could explain symptom #1.
• I get dizzy still. Still not sure if that's just the side effects from getting off zo!oft. Down to about 10mgs right now. It's like a speck of dust, the dose I take. I can probably stop taking it now but every now and then I get anxious or stressed and think maybe I should go right back up to 25 or 50mgs. That it would be better for...for whatever it is that's growing in my ute.
• Heart.Burn.
• I am irritable. I don't have much of a filter lately, i think it's because of the next point.
• I'm tired. I get fatigued from standing up for too long. From being up for too long. I get mad when someone tries to make me do work. The only exercise I'm doing is walking and we still go our normal distance which is about 2 miles a night - this I'm okay with. I've been really looking forward to them lately. But overall, I just feel blah.
• My boobs definitely hurt. Nips still only sometimes.

What symptoms I am not feeling:

• I am not nauseus. I HATE that. Truly
• I am not getting the pulling shooting pain sensations in my ute that I got with my first pregnancy. I'm taking this as a good sign because I also felt them the cycle before this one - the one where I had that nice implantation dip, and no baby. In retrospect I think those pains must have been my body rejecting the embies.
• My condition is not curbing my spending habits. Last year I became far less materialistic during my short-lived pregnancy. Knowing something so much more fulfilling was on the horizon made me less materialistic. Not so this time. It's retail therapy all the way.
• TMI alert. My pee is not cloudy. It was during my first pregnancy. I therefore also consider this non-symptom a good sign.

All of these, except for the intensity of the soreness of my boobs, don't really mean anything. I'm still convinced that this is going to end in disaster but I realized recently that despite all my pessimism and paranoia, I have not actually done anything to prepare myself for another loss. In fact, I've done quite the opposite. I will be utterly devastated if this pregnancy doesn't work out. I thought I was protecting myself by imagining the worst. But I think I remain unprepared because all of this pessimism and paranoia are born of fear. And the fear is that I will lose something. So that means this whole time, despite all of my disclaimers and doomsayer predictions, every single day, I've been operating under the assumption that I have something to lose. So I've totally set myself up without realizing it. I think the best thing to have done would have been to go on like nothing was happening. To ignore it, insofar as that's possible. Don't drink, but don't think about why - pretend you're just giving the ol' liver a break. Enjoy the holidays, but try to find a reason to enjoy them OTHER than the fantasy of this being my last xmas without a child. Don't think about when to announce the news to the parents, the co-workers. Don't constantly take inventory of my symptoms.

It's too late now. I almost don't want that first appointment to arrive. Because it could put a swift end to my hopes and fantasies. I don't want to hear that the game's over. That I don't get to pretend anymore.

Another weekend bites the dust

UPDATED at the bottom.

I asked DH to get the flu shot. When we were still 'trying' a month ago I mentioned to him that I'd like him to get it if I got pg before flu season ended. He put up a fight then and today was no different.

Over the last couple weeks, whenever I'd bring it up I could tell that he was straining to be supportive. I was thusly misled into thinking he'd actually be gracious when the time came. His facade worked right up until this morning when I mentioned that I had just called the S@feway pharmacy and that they had a tech who could do it right then. I then mentioned that they didn't have the H1N1 though and so I would still sign him up for the clinic my work is holding (not until mid-January). "No way" he said, "I'm not getting TWO, I'm not just going to get whatever shots they throw out there, I told you I'd get the flu shot and that's IT." I reminded him that they are both flu shots and that there are only two this year. "I hate needles, you know that, this is the biggest gimmick, wah wah wah," he continued, "I'll get ONE, you choose." I then spontaneously burst into tears. I couldn't stand what an a-- he was being. I couldn't stand that I was having to get so stressed out and upset for such a simple request, one that I had warned him about repeatedly and far in advance. One that he should have just gone and done on his own like the ZILLIONS of other people who get the vaccine. I was trying to make it easy for him. I had tried to sympathize, but none of it made any difference. Even when I reminded him how many times I had been stuck this year (35 at last count) it didn't make a difference.

We eventually made it to the clinic and he got the shot. I didn't exactly make his deal of only chosing one. I told him what the f-- good is it making me choose. I made him a different deal. I told him "One of the H1N1 clinics at my work is a couple days after our u/s.... So if that doesn't..." I couldn't finish. I was crying again. If that doesn't go well, he doesn't have to get the shot. If it does go well. If he sees a h/b with his own eyes, how could he not do everything he possibly can to protect it?

Ever since he got the shot at 10am he's been punishing me with the silent treatment and complaints about feeling dizzy or sick. I knew that's what would happen. His primary argument against the shot was people at work who had suffered side effects. I knew that even if he didn't actually get any of the side effects, he'd create them to punish me. Men are such babies. I SO don't deserve this. I deserve a husband that offers to get stuck as many times as it takes to make sure his wife and his potential baby are safe. To reduce the risk of illness or undo stress on my part. This is nothing. NOTHING.

I wish I could just get the damn shots, but I'm still in that very fragile window before the neural tube closes and even disregarding the mercury debate, I don't want to run a temperature for any reason in the next couple weeks. Not even the "low grade" fever you can get as a side effect of the vax. I might go to the H1N1 clinic in Jan. If I do, I'll probably be going alone.

I'm in scared-sh--less territory these days. I'm scared of everything. So scared of the flu that I'm willing to push my marriage to the brink and ruin a perfectly good weekend. Scared of things that I myself would have thought of as completely paranoid a month ago like - does sleeping with the dogs in my bed raise my core temperature a la electric blankets or hot-tubs (dogs normally run a temp of 101 deg F), both on the "don't" list for pregnant people? Mostly I'm scared this one isn't going to happen either. It's the only way I know of for this to resolve. In failure. I get pregnant, but I don't actually get babies. Years go by and u/s's and HCG tests go by and no babies.

UPDATE:

I appreciate your comments. I need a reality check. I need to start letting this stuff start rolling off of my back if I'm going to give this embryo its best chance. I didn't mean to imply that I was sure DH was lying. He very well might be telling the truth, and I think he is. Well mostly. He asked last night if he should move to the other bedroom because he thought he was running a fever and didn't want to make me sick. His forehead felt not hot in the least. I told him no, he didn't have to leave. That he couldn't get the flu from the shot and so he wasn't contageous. But he's really not holding any punches and I think half of his symptoms are psychological - like the fever last night. And he's being kind of mean. I asked last night when we could be friends again. "When my arm stops hurting." Was the response. I asked him this morning how he felt. "Like s--" he said.

18dpo

Beta #3 - 18dpo: NO IDEA.



'Cause I didn't get one. I already feel pretty good about the first two numbers and my symptoms are enough for now. And there's a chance that the result of a third would be to put me in a mood of horror for the holidays which is not what I want. I really have nothing to gain from a third beta. If I had gotten one and not been in love with it it would only make me feel bad at a time when there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it and at a time when I really need to put on a brave face because I'll be in front of so much family over the next few weeks. It's too early to see anything, I'll be taking some long weekends during the holidays so won't be able to run to the lab on a regular basis. I need to focus on other things. And again, there would be nothing that could be done. The partner I'm working with also helped my decision along by scheduling a meeting at 8am this morning which is the exact time I've been getting my draws.


What has helped me in my moments of panic is telling myself two things:

1) You can't shake or startle an embryo loose at this stage. If that were possible, ...you know the rest. I have got to stop beating myself up over every time I get stressed, startled, stepped on by my dog, or forced to run across the street so as not to get hit by a car.


2) [this one's the most important] No matter what I do, the embryo will keep growing, or not keep growing. The betas will double or not double. I will or will not end up with a baby. NO MATTER WHAT I DO. So there's no reason to keep checking symptoms or pull out my hair about another beta. It's going to keep doing what it's doing, whatever that is. And there is really no reliable way to know whether it's doing what it's doing successfully for a few weeks. This little cluster of cells has already taught me an important less on in faith. And letting go.

In the symptom department, I've already had two people come up to me at work and tell me how serious and quiet I've seemed lately. Anxiety, I told them. No lie. I blamed it on being so busy with work. Which I have been. But I think you and I both know there's more to it than that. I was just amazed that people could already detect a change in my mood. I guess that's not really a symptom. Bbs/nips still sore, a little queasy once or twice a day and salivating more than normal but nothing near nausea. I started noticing how well I smell things yesterday. Also, I had been wondering when my face would start breaking out and lo and behold today was the day! Whoo-hooo! I am developing a tendency to go for salty food instead of sweet which was also the case with my first pregnancy. I'm feeling pretty dizzy lately but I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I'm trying to wean myself off of a really low dose of zo!oft, which I started taking a couple years ago during my last year of law school (the one leading up to THE BAR!), for anxiety. My job is pretty low stress right now and I intend to do everything I can to keep it that way if this pregnancy goes well. I am a huge believer in zo!oft, it saved my career and my health, and I know it's supposed to be safe during pregnancy (which is why I haven't dropped it cold turkey), but I also feel like I've changed since law school, I've grown up. I've developed a desensitization to certain stressors that I never would have exposed myself to without the help of the drugs. And now I think it's time for a break. See if I can fly without the feather, so to speak.

I artfully escaped the HH yesterday by feigning a call. Turned out I didn't have to do that, I had plenty of work to blame my absence on. I'm sure they will speculate - C glanced at my stomach about 5 times yesterday when I was in her office for 15 minutes. She's the kind of person who would never come out and ask and probably the most likely candidate if I were to tell someone early. But it's just too early. I consider this a pregnancy, but I still can't bring myself to associate it with me. I can't say that I'm...you know. Every time I start to calculate how many weeks and days it's been I try to quickly distract myself with other thoughts. I'm not pregnant unless there's a baby in there. And how could I possibly know what's in there? I've learned over the past year that it could be just about anything. So until I know otherwise, I'm just waiting to find out if I am. I was thinking about this this morning and came to the conclusion that I most closely associate my situation not as pregnant, but as in another stage of waiting.

DH is being cute about the whole thing. He keeps saying things like - don't get me a christmas gift, you have to save your money for "pregnancy clothes." Awwww. My response? "Maybe, maybe not." That's my response to everything baby related. DH: "Isn't it a good sign that your boobs are sore?" Me: "Maybe, maybe not." We don't talk about it much. It's just too soon. Too many unknowns.

I've never paid much attention to T0m Arno!d in my life, but he was on my morning radio talk show today and, turns out he's a very open person. One thing he opened up about was that he found out he had a low sperm count when he tried to donate to a sperm bank in college. Now he's married to wife number four and he said that for her wedding gift she asked for IVF. I was really touched by all of this, I really appreciate it when celebrities share their stories about difficulty TTC. It makes them seem like they have a lot of humility and human characteristics. It brings these problems to light in the general population, and of course its nice to know that 'real people' aren't the only ones having trouble. It's not always as easy as it looks. For anyone. It seems a little weird that this would bring me comfort - it's like saying 'thank god X has had this misfortune too, now I don't feel so alone.' But that's not what I mean. I think what comforts me is the confidence and candor with which some celebrities are willing to talk about it. They are out of the fertility closet and they seem to be doing it as a gesture to the rest of us having trouble. It's that gesture that I appreciate.

17dpo

I am proud to report that I did not pee on a stick or temp this morning! But by the time I got to work I was already losing my resolve. My symptoms were already pretty light and I'm just not feeling them this morning. I'm starting to think I might want that third beta... for reassurance. On the other hand, if it just barely doubles again, or doesn't double, I don't think I would be able to get through the weekend. So maybe I should stick to the plan I laid out yesterday.

In they way of symptoms, like I said, very light. I pee more often, barely. My boobs are sore and my nipples are usually sore, but not always. It really freaks me out when they're not. I felt more queasy yesterday than I have so far and this morning I felt back to normal - that also freaks me out. During my first pregnancy I would get really sharp shooting cramps but this time it's deeper, heavier, but more gentle ones. Hopefully that's a good sign.

I startle easily. I think it's because I'm more paranoid and on edge over this whole pregnancy thing. I'm so ultra protective, but then I get mad at myself for getting startled 'cause I worry that that could cause a problem. AAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Bring the nausea! Something! Please!

In other news, I have to figure out how to get out of a work happy hour with C and V today. They are SO on pregnancy watch and I've decided there is absolutely NO way I can go to the HH and not drink. NO way. I don't want to see the expressions of realization and smugness on their faces. I don't want to know that they think they know. Because even if they think they know they have absolutely no freaking idea what pregnancy is to me. How it feels. And it would irritate me if they presumed they had me figured out. Not to mention that if this pregnancy doesn't go well I don't want them to know I failed again. I don't want to internalize my own failure to produce a healthy child, I don't want their pity, all the usual reasons.

So because I can't go and not drink, that means I have to find a way to not go at all. Maybe I shall have a strategically placed call during that time. Maybe I'm supposed to meet DH for some xmas shopping. Don't know but I'm going to have to come up with something. Let the games begin.

16dpo

Beta #1 - 14dpo: 319
Beta #2 - 16dpo: 732

Whew, it doubled. Plus about 100 bonus points for good measure. I think I feel good about this. Probably only need about 45 more minutes on google checking out other peoples' stats before I calm down. This journey has made me such an obsessive voyeuristic nutcase. I keep seeing numbers that triple and think man, if my 14dpo number was so strong, and then my 16dpo number was just an average doubling, maybe it's slowing down...disaster! Why must my mind always go there?

I have to admit that I kind of freaked out at the 319 at 14dpo. That seems high. I was freaked out because I've had a molar pregnancy and while, to most people a high beta # = strong! I could only think that it might be another mole. I am at increased risk for that to happen again. I also freaked out a little at the prospect of multiples. I even had a dream that my doctor was giving me brochures and articles on multiples and appropriate hcg levels (and I remember being touched that she now understood - I LIKE to have more information, not less, how nice of her to refer me to an article...but alas, it was a dream). Now, I would LOVE to have twins, but I don't know if I'd love to carry twins because it would escalate the fear I would feel at each stage so much that I'm not sure how I could cope. And anything more than twins would overwhelm me, I'm pretty sure. Though of course I'd be happy with anything. Anyway, the fact that the second beta isn't astronomically high has calmed me down a little with respect to that fear, but of course has stemmed new ones. It seems on track...I think. Though I'm open to all of your honest opinions, of course.


I don't think I'm going to do any more of these draws. My first appointment is Jan. 6 and I think I can just wait for that. I don't need the stress of getting to the lab at the same time, getting stuck, waiting for more numbers, interpreting more numbers, and spending more hours on google than I have time for. I think I will also stop temping. My triphasic pattern has sort of returned, had a nice high temp this morning. I need to quit while I'm ahead. I don't really worry that I'll let my greatest dreams run away with me if I stray too far from raw hard data. I'm too realistic for that. Instead I think I'll spend this time trying to forget about the whole thing. Just focus on the holidays, focus on family, after all the months I've spent waiting, a few more weeks isn't much, especially since there will be so much distraction in the meantime. Sure I'd like to have some idea of what to expect during that first appointment, but from my experience last year, I know that's pretty much impossible. My beta was nice and high, my symptoms were all there, not a spot of blood or a cramp, plenty of morning sickness, my uterus expanded on schedule...all of this and there was still no baby. So while I'm not looking forward to another shock this January, I've accepted that there's really no other way around this - I'll be shocked either way. And no amount of betas will spare me from the blunt disappointment of losing a pregnancy if that's what ends up happening. And this time around, I'll be 7w4d at the appointment instead of 11w so if things don't turn out well, I will have 'wasted' less time. I know that's crass, but it's how I feel. So I wouldn't want this appointment any later. I also wouldn't want it any earlier. If it was earlier with good results, I couldn't rely on them, anything could still happen. If it was earlier with bad results it could just be too early so I'd stew and stress for another week or so.
So I am good today. Scared s--- less and I wouldn't even say cautiously optimistic because I'm very pessimistic at this stage. I don't feel like I can trust my body, pee sticks, anything. I feel very out of control and that leads me to expect the worst. But today's news is good. It doubled. So I will just try to go with the flow.

My appointment is scheduled with the hateful-bitch OBG. It just sort of happened. One minute she was congratulating me and the next she was scheduling my appointment. I feel like I should wait for her to f-up one more time before I say something and back it up by leaving her. I don't really feel like there is any harm in letting her hold the wand at my next appointment. And as I've said before she's really smart. She's good at what she does. This is a personality and patient care issue. She blows at both of those. But maybe it won't be an issue...famous last words right?

For those of you who are following the V saga, she said something irritating again, no surprise there. This time it wasn't to me though, it was to C. I should preface this by saying that C is ultra conservative and very very private about her private life, including about her TTC plans. I have heard her say "I would neeeeever tell eeeeenyone if I was 'trying.'" It's a private subject for her. I understand that. It is for a lot of people, myself included. Now on the other hand, please understand that I don't knock people that talk about TTC at this level of detail, in fact sometimes i wish I trusted someone enough to share that kind of information with. But C makes no secret about the fact that she has NO intention of sharing this kind of information with anyone and I respect that too.

So V comes along yesterday and asks C if she's trying right now. C had her first baby 10 months ago and has said on many occasions that she'd like to have at least 5 kids. V thinks she's smart and asked in kind of a round-about way but it didn't work out for her - she's not as smart as she thinks she is: "So, C, are you like, on birth control now, or what's going on there?" ??!?? Poor C, she didn't know what to say. And after my last conversation with V, I totally understood how she felt. After hearing this story from C, I was left understanding V even less. I am starting to loathe her. She was a friend, a good one even, but little by little she's chipped away my resolve to give her the benefit of the doubt. Luckily I am also starting to think of it as a good thing when you lose friends if you lose them because they weren't really friends to begin with.

14 dpo

Beta is 319.

I'm shaking like a leaf (that can't be good for the...um....blastocyst). There is hope.

I had to open that calendar I was talking about before. My obg made me schedule my first u/s appointment. I wanted to wait - what's the use for an u/s appointment now? We don't really know anything yet except that there is still hope. She was afraid that if I waited for the second beta I wouldn't be able to get in early enough. We scheduled the u/s the same week as that fateful last prenatal appointment a year ago. Right after new year's. This time, if things go well until then, I will be in my 8th week. The appointment is for Jan 6. Luckily, 6 is my lucky number. Unluckily, I don't believe in luck.

Next beta is Wed. morning. The obg said I could do a third on friday if I wanted reassurance. I don't know if a third will be better or worse for me. I probably won't get it, given how stressed out I have been today. I can't keep doing this to myself. And my blastocyst.

I know there is this unanswered question hanging out there about my obg and why I haven't switched if she is such a hateful bitch. More on that later - suffice it to say that now I'm just 'using' her for getting my beta numbers. For now, after six hours of waiting for that result, I need to find a way to distract myself from this.

12dpo

I took your advice, dear readers, and sprung for the fancy FRER tests. Still, it isn't pretty.





This is FMU, 5-10 minutes, 12dpo.

Barely there. That was acceptable at 10dpo but now it's 48hrs later and I'm really depressed about it. I've said before that for me a BFN would be better than a m/c. At least we'd be able to try again in two weeks. At least I could pour myself a nice glass of wine. But I can't do that now. I have to wait it out. I hate this - haven't I been through enough? Clearly not.

This has pretty much ruined my weekend. I told DH about it because he's been asking. I've been pouring over HPT series pictures on FF trying to tell myself that it's not over. That it's still too early for dark lines. HCG rises exponentially. Which means that at the beginning stages the numbers go up more slowly. Some of the pictures on FF back me up and some make me cry 'cause it all seems so impossible and overwhelming.

My temps are triphasic. I've never had that happen before, but it's happening now. My other symptoms, like the lines, are barely there and just like they have been for the past couple days. Exactly the same. Just like the lines.

Tomorrow marks the second of my dad's birthdays in a row at which I won't be drinking. I wish this time there was a better reason.

Today is the first day AF could arrive - I don't expect her to. I wish there was a better reason.

11dpo

The line today was a huge disappointment. It was still there but it was still impossibly faint and took the full 10 minutes to show up. ZERO percent darker than yesterday's. zero. I'm trying to tell myself that at these levels (I'd say the number can't be more than 10-20 - judging from the numerous HPTs I've done on the same day as a beta) a time span of 23 hours between tests doesn't guarantee much of a change in color. I made that guess - 10 to 20 before looking at the HCG value chart which states that the median HCG value for 10dpo is 16, 11dpo is 24, and 12 dpo is 37. So maybe I'm right on track. Or maybe I'm full of sh**. I half expect AF to not only show up, but to show up right on time - which would be anytime between tomorrow and monday.

There is the whole - each test is different, each pee sample is different - and these are seriously cheap tests. Still though, I wish I didn't have to keep telling myself these things. I wish it was just darker. Whatever. It's 11dpo. I shouldn't be playing with pee sticks this early anyway. I deserve what I get. Way to make the 2ww even more torturous, Astrid!

My symptoms seem..."more" which is nice. I feel really warm. I fluctuate between feeling like I couldn't stomach eating anything to being in a state where I'm shaking with starvation. My nipples are occasionally sore. I have that heavy-but-not-exactly-like-AF feeling. I feel dizzy and out of it. And here's something weird (and tmi) - sex feels different. I remember this from my first pregnancy - is it just me? It seems to hurt in certain positions - not much, but noticeably.

Also had a huge jump in temp today. Though it was so big I'm wondering if it was a fluke.

This whole thing might be a fluke. On one hand, it is comforting that sperm and egg have met, once again. On try #2 no less. On the other, if it is impossible for me to have a healthy pregnancy, this could be over before it's begun and could have dire implications for the future. One more choromosomal problem data point.

I need to keep my wild conjectures in check. I'm starting to wonder if I should have just waited to see if AF came before testing. Or if I should move to every-other-day HPTs. But I don't think I could ever exercise that kind of self-restraint. So here I sit. And continue to obsess. And while I'm at it I'm sending good vibes to the others of you who are in the 2ww. May yours have swifter resolution than mine.

10dpo

I have worked for my firm for 2.5 years and NEVER in that time have I ever had as stressful a day as I did yesterday. On top of having about 14 billable hours of work to do I had a conversation that left me physically shaking by its mid-point. I couldn't get over the stress for the rest of the day (I lost sleep over it too) and having to stay late, having to subject my furbabies to another day without a walk, made me even more upset. Then my furbabies, having not had their walk, kept me up all night. Well at least the hours that I wasn't already kept up by the stress of the day's events.

I also found out yesterday that another of my FB friends is pregnant. Yay her. I actually wrote a congratulatory comment which I usually refrain from. In fact I have not left one comment - baby-related or otherwise - on my due-date buddy's page since I lost my pregnancy. That's almost one year, for those who are counting. For some reason I just felt in a generous mood yesterday - maybe I was hoping for some good karma.

And I found out that one of my co-worker's wives is pregnant. Whee.



And then I woke up this morning and my temp had dipped from 97.9, where it's been for a solid four days to 97.7. Bummer. I could feel the hope draning from my body. I could feel the AF cramps coming. And then I peed on a stick to put me out of my misery...

I know it's hard (impossible?) to see in this post, it's clearer on the actual camera and even clearer IRL. It was taken sometime between the 5-10 minute mark and that is a second line. Very faint. But it is only 10dpo. And I am as sure as a person can be of that O date.

I have stared at a lot of positive pee sticks over the last year - dozens, literally. Each and every one has meant beta hell and bad news. They were caused by an inviable pregnancy and cancer. So while my hope is renewed for another day, I consider myself in beta hell until proven otherwise.

The plan is just to wait over the weekend. Wait to see if AF arrives anyway. Wait to see if the lines get darker or lighter. If AF stays away, I'm going in for a beta on Monday.

9dpo - non-symptom check

Yep, still nada that I can't attribute to PMS. No interesting cm, no sore nipples, no headaches or nausea, flat temps...I did have one full day of cramping yesterday which was a little out of the ordinary (usually I don't have AF symptoms until 48 hours prior). And it gave me some hope. But then my dog took a flying leap at my abdomen while I was sitting on the couch. Luckily he's only 11 lbs and landed on the side (think on top of my right tube), rather than smack dab center stage. Unluckily it triggered some additional weird cramps and made me want to cry I was so frustrated. Not just at the thought of what damage he may have done if there was an implantation process underway, but also just generally at this cycle. At how much I allow myself to worry when there is really no way to know and nothing I can do about that.

Despite the strange cramping yesterday there really is nothing to hang my dreams on. The two major symptoms I am hoping for are sore nipples and ewcm. These are what tipped me off during my molar and chemical pregnancies and they don't happen in non-pg cycles. They are both noticeably absent this cycle, as they have been for the last several cycles since AF returned. So I remain without much hope.

I was going to test tomorrow, 10dpo. But I'm starting to wonder what the point would be. I have no reason to think I'm pregnant. I probably will test anyway though because (a) I have the cheapie online tests - about a dozen of them - so it won't break the bank and (b) while I don't have much hope, I do have a shred and it's been bolstered by all of your mood-brightening comments about how you can be pregnant without having any reason to know about it. You can be symptom free, not only in the 2ww but for a long time thereafter. That's true and it gives me some hope.

DH has been awesome lately, which also helps my mood. We have been 'without protection' or 'trying' or whatever you want to call it for 5 cycles over the last year and NEVER has he been so interested in the goings on down there. He keeps asking when we'll know, how we'll know, what's going on on the pregnancy front, if AF comes does that mean it's over? He's asked some version of these questions every other day. Prior to this cycle he seemed to make a concerted effort not to talk about it so this is a big change. I haven't been that depressed about it all (outwardly, anyway) so I don't think he's doing it to humor or console me. I think I sense some genuine interest which is a huge relief. I actually think he's getting almost excited about the idea of a child. It's a big step. He doesn't get as hurt as I do after a failed cycle, which makes sense - he's not waking up at 6:30 on the weekends to temp and noting every twinge and discharge and worrying about the myriad un-obvious implications of hammering nails and enthusiastic furbabies and electric blankets. He doesn't pour his soul into the prospect of pregnancy every minute of every day, so if it doesn't happen, he doesn't feel as though he's missing his soul. Instead he picks back up instantly and says no problem, we'll try again. It may take another month, it may take six months, we'll get there. We have to let nature take its course.

I love when he says things like this because, although it betrays his naivete, at least I feel for the moment like I can count on him. He promised. We'll try again. He'll be supportive. He wants this. I just hope it's as easy as he thinks.

This hope game

From 1dpo this cycle I haven't had much hope. I can't really put my finger on why. Fertile signs were present, I'm pretty sure I O'ed right on schedule, we babydanced early and often. But for some reason I'm feeling really pessimistic. Maybe it's the stress of the whole escapist fur baby episode - maybe that set the tone for the 2ww. Or maybe it's because I'm now 7dpo and have ZERO symptoms, real or imagined. None at all. Or maybe it's because I put all my faith into my last cycle and I just don't have any left. I'm a little type A and I give 110% to everything I really want. I'm smart about it, I work hard, and I generally achieve what I'm working towards sooner or later, no matter what it takes out of me. It's not always a good thing - in fact sometimes it can be downright unhealthy.

Since we got pg on the first cycle that we really put our minds to it last year, I think I had in my head somewhere that if I worked hard enough at it this time, I'd get the same result. I know it's BS and that this is not how pregnancy works - I understand that the odds are against us and that's even if everything is perfect with both of our 'equipment.' And I know that even if we did succeed this cycle, it's certainly the rule, rather than the exception, that I'd have no symptoms at only 7 dpo. So there is every possibility that this cycle will be successful. But the irrational statistician in me thinks that if my odds of conceiving this cycle are the same as last, well then why would this cycle turn out any differently? My luck is gone. Maybe my chances for a baby are too. Maybe the D&C messed me up, maybe just the one year in age has made all the difference. Maybe DH or I have chromosomal defects in all of our gametes - thus the molar pregnancy and the relative difficulty now.

Whatever it is, I fully expect to see a BFN at the end of this week. Fully. I'm really bummed out by it. Not just because I'm sick and tired of not being pregnant and of not being a mom already! But also because I feel like this cycle marks an opportunity that won't come around again...

I've lamented before about how last year when I got my BFP it was the perfect time to have it happen in my life. Close friends were pg, DH and I were at a great age and a great place in our careers, my parents are still quite active, we had just gotten married. The stars were aligned and when I lost it I was sure that there would never be a better time. That along with the pregnancy I had lost a chance at sublime happiness. I don't know if I could really call now a 'better' time, but it's awfully close. If we don't conceive this cycle, I will definitely be over 30 before I have a baby - if I have a baby. If we don't conceive this cycle we will not have the perfect 'announcement' to make at my dad's retirement party. If we don't conceive this cycle, we will not conceive within a year of losing our first pregnancy and we will not be able to announce a pregnancy in advance of our one year wedding anniversary. I know these are all petty, selfish, and ultimately meaningless benchmarks, but I did call this time 'perfect' didn't I? For me, anytime would be an adequate and fully acceptable time to get pregnant, but right now, even the superficial and fun details are aligned. So while I'm at this hope game, why not hope for the moon?

But like I said, I'm not feeling it this cycle. Not even close.

Hoping to cash in on that Christmas miracle

I got this message in my inbox on FB today. It's from a friend, a pretty close one, my roommate in college and one of my bridesmaids last January who has NO idea that I'm even thinking about having kids, let alone trying, let alone having trouble. She just probably assumes that after a year of marriage and at our age I'd be thinking about it. She doesn' t know how right she is. And instead of being hurt by this or indignant that she would make a presumption, all I can do is hope that she's right - hope that I can answer in the affirmative. Hope hope hope. I even kind of love the message for the hope it gives me, the way it takes me to a place where it might just be possible:

Friend: I cant believe Christmas is like 3 weeks away. That is so crazy! What are you getting [DH] and the dogs for Christmas? A baby maybe???

And my response (recall that I am keeping this babymaking process pretty close to the chest, especially after what happened last year): Now what would make you think I would go and do something like that? Unless maybe YOU are the one with baby fever! I am getting them a nice big hug. I am infinitely generous. My dogs are my babies. Besides, how would getting them a baby leave me enough time to watch tv? Anyway, hope you get lots of diamonds from your lovely husband. That's really the only acceptable gift anyway. Other than a puppy. Which you already have, clearly.

Doth I protest too much? Whatever. I want this to happen so bad I can't really see straight. And if she does have baby fever (which she must because she's operating with only one ovary and she's over thirty - she was told during our college days that she better have kids by 27 if she wants them at all, and she does want them), if she is on the cusp of making an announcement, it would be great to share the miracle with her.

Everything was going so well

(to be sung to an abridged tune of "12 days of christmas"): Six days of baby dancing, four days of fertile signs and one nice jump in BBTeeee. Recipe for success right? Well, this morning, after temping and noticing that nice .5 degree rise, right on schedule, one day after telltale O cramps, and congratulating myself on a great cycle, I was on my way to work (also right on schedule, which I also congratulated myself on - how perfect is this day?!) and I got a call from DH: "The furbaby escaped again, can you come back? I have to be at a meeting in half an hour."

Right then and there my stress levels hit the roof. Was she okay? What was I going to do? How? What about my job? My perfect day, smashed to smithereens (on the up side, it's nice to see I've learned to appreciate the little things - since when is getting up and going to work early a perfect day? The whole ovultation thing helped). She had jumped the fence and although she materialized before I even made it back to the house, I knew I would need to spend the day at home to assess the situation. And I wouldn't have DH's help. While I had nothing going on at work that really required me to show up in the flesh, face time is really important at my firm and I'm really busy these days. I knew it was going to be difficult to "disappear" for a day. I decided to lock both furbabies in the garage, drive the 20 minutes back to work, pick up my PC and files, and then get back to the house to figure out a plan of attack.

The whole time my stomach muscles were tensed and I had a panicky feeling like someone had just asked me to do a public speaking engagement. I went all morning without noticing that I hadn't eaten - this would NEVER happen on a normal day, it only happens when I'm really really nervous or stressed. It was only after I emailed my boss and got home to set up shop on the dining room table that I began to calm down. I made a trip to H0me D3pot and started work on creating a chicken wire extender over the parts of our fence that she could conceivably get over. Thus began four hours of struggling with chicken wire, fence staples, wire cutters, sawing branches and mounting u-bars. Four hours of driving in nails, climbing up step ladders, stretching and pulling and prodding and bracing. It was a real work out. And don't get me wrong, it was nice to be working with my hands, outside in the sunshine, really accomplishing something productive. But I could not get my mind off of what may or may not have been going on in my ute.

My thought processes went something like this:

1. Fear of grave infection: Hmmm, today might be a good day for a tetanus shot. After all, I did just expertly scratch up my arms with chicken wire before having the hailstorm of dirt from the tree whose branches I sawed off rain down upon my wounds. And I can't really tell if those nails I pried out with my bare hands were rusty but you can never be too careful, right? Waitaminute....no way am I injecting myself with a vax during the 2ww! Besides, I had a tetanus shot about 8 years ago. Wait, aren't you supposed to get a booster every 7 years? Oh well, I have plenty of soap.

2. Fear of debilitating egg and sperm in utero (or in-fallopio): Here I am whacking away at nails ALL DAY LONG. My how loud and jarring this is. I wonder if I'm jumbling everything up down there. I wonder if I've just ruined any chance at conception with all of this vibration and stress. Seriously, my ute must look like a pinball machine right about now, how on EARTH would the poor spermies ever get to that egg under these tumultuous conditions? And if they've already met, they must not know which way is up by now. It'll be a damn miracle if I don't end up with an ectopic.

3. Fear of stress hormones. Now I'm not really sure what effect stress hormones can have on fertility after ovulation. In the fragile days of fertilization and implantation...do they matter at all? If so I'm doomed. DOOMED.

Dear readers, just to be clear, I have NO reason to think that using a hammer and nails, or a jackhammer for that matter, can mess up a good cycle. In fact, saying it out loud like that makes me think it's completely preposterous. And while stress can delay or prevent ovulation and throw your cycles out of whack, I have no reason to think that one morning dose of it can have any affect on the magical meeting of sperm and egg or their trip down the tube. And as for the tetanus, I did make good use of that soap I was talking about and since my wounds were neither particularly deep nor rusty, I think I will take my chances.

My point in all of this is just to put on display how outrageously obsessive and paranoid I can become in the days after ovulation - how protective of my perfect cycle, how frustrated at ONE thing going wrong. And this is only day 1 of the 2ww. I really am doomed.