ICLW Kickoff

Welcome ICLWers and anyone new to the blog. Here's the backstory...

DH and I started trying to make a baby in the fall of '08, a strategic 3 months before our wedding. By the time we reached the altar we had gotten our BFP and then, 11 weeks later at our first u/s, found out I had suffered a missed miscarriage. Little did we know, the nightmare had only just begun. A full two months after my D&C I was still getting positive HPTs - my HCG was going down abnormally slowly. Since the pathology report from my D&C in January had come back 'indeterminate,' no one knew exactly what was going on...was it a second pregnancy? Left over tissue? The oncologist has since concluded that it was probably some variety of gestational trophoblastic disease (GTD). GTD is a disease of the placental cells. It's generally referred to as a "cancer" but the different types span the spectrum from totally benign to gravely malignant. It's best known for the havoc it can wreak as part of a molar pregnancy, but GTD can follow any type of pregnancy. I happen to think I fit the profile of a partial mole (which can be missed by a pathology report), but we'll never know for sure.

HCG happens to be a marker for cancer resulting from GTD and although my HCG was declining, more or less, the doctors didn't want to take chances and prescribed methotrexate (a type of mild chemotherapy) to get the levels down faster. When the methotrexate didn't do any good, we all just sat back and waited to see what would happen "off treatment." My HCG levels continued their slow decline, finally reaching zero (or "less than 2") exactly 5.5 months after my D&C. And as if a 5.5 month wait wasn't enough torture I was also told to wait an additional six months before trying again. On the chance that the pregnancy was a partial mole or did in fact cause GTD, my OBG advised this further wait period so they could monitor my HCG levels for a while. The common understanding of this wait time is that doctors want to monitor HCG continuously for six months to a year because if the levels go up, it could indicate a recurrence of GTD. If I were to TTC in the interim, the doctors wouldn't know if an increase in HCG was a new pregnancy or GTD returning. My oncologist questions this logic and thinks it's outdated (he said we could try again right away) but I waited five months before trying again to be on the safe side. Cancer is scary stuff.

Our first (natural) cycle trying again in the fall of 2009 was a bust. But the second resulted in a BFP, some promising beta numbers, ridiculous (20-week) morning sickness, and a heartbeat at 7w5d. We're now over halfway through our second pregnancy which has gone flawlessly with the exceptions of a Choroid Plexus Cyst found on our 19w anatomy scan and persistent breech presentation discovered at 34 weeks. The CPC is a cyst in the baby's brain which, while benign in itself, is a soft marker for the devastating Trisomy 18. CPC's occur in 1-2% of normal healthy fetuses but in 30-50% of T18 fetuses (thus its designation as a 'marker'). Scary stuff again. Since T18 is so devastating, there are usually more signs by this point, but not always. Since my baby has not exhibited any other abnormalities and scored an A++ on his first trimester screening (less than 1/100,000 chance of T18) my OBG is not recommending any follow up at all and has advised me not to worry. Of course I can't help but worry and the news has cast a shadow over what should be a joyous time. Before I got pregnant with this baby I thought there was NO WAY I'd ever have any complaints about pregnancy, should I ever be so lucky to get pregnant again. But I've found I do have a complaint (please don't read this as being ungrateful) which is that the anxiety is relentless. This has been such a fragile journey.

As if the CPC wasn't hard enough for me to deal with the discovery of breech kind of sent me over the edge since I had read that chromosomally abnormal babies are often breech. Still my OBG wasn't alarmed and when I insisted on speaking with a geneticist, she said that while the CPC raised my risk of T18 by a factor of 10 - so now we're at 1/10,000 if you're counting - the breech presentation does not count as a marker and doesn't change my risk. Still I worried, of course. I was overwhelmed with worry and tagged as a prime candidate for PPD.

But my baby boy arrived healthy at 38w4d via c-section on August 10, 2010 and I could not be happier. I don't think I have ever been happier. My life is not now free of anxiety, there is plenty of it, I'm a worrier by nature. But I have all that I have ever wanted in life and I refuse to lose focus of that after all I've been through. I bid you welcome to my journey. It's been a rough one but I am lucky. I brought my baby home, I have him in my arms, and I love him more than life itself.