3 month mark - not the good kind.

Tomorrow will be three months since the procedure. And I finally may have a sign that things are returning to normal. Beyond the beta numbers that is. I had a huge temp jump. Not a shift yet, but enough of a jump that if it sticks, it will signal that ovulation occurred. Un freaking believable. The first test then is whether the temps stay up. Then whether I get a period in two weeks. If so, then I will have to weigh what the dr. tells me about trying again against my impatience to be pg again.

One of my two co workers who just had a baby was emailing another co worker who just got back from maternity leave about the minutia of being a new mom yesterday. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t email me. I feel so left out, like an unpopular kid. And I know that’s no way to treat the decision to become a parent. And I know my own worth in my friends’ lives, child or not. But I also know I just can’t connect with them on a level that is so central to their lives and their state of being now. And it depresses me. I probably mention it once a day to DH and that has to stop because I’m unintentionally making him feel like chopped liver. I’ve made him say over and over again that we’ll have babies, just to comfort myself. Not ‘made’ him, but fished for it, I do it all the time. Just for the reassurance that when it’s time again we’ll try and we'll both be in it together. And now there is more urgency since we’re married and we were ready six months ago. So hopefully it will all hold true. I'm afraid to fish too far though. Afraid to make him say that he wants kids too. Because I think it would give him an opportunity to vent his concerns about money and about the future and I don't want to hear it. This seems wrong of me. But he tends to get carried away with the downsides and I'm not really covering over his feelings, just trying to keep them afloat.

Hopefully this is the start of normalcy so that we can get a few tries in before he goes on sabbatical in July or August. What horrible horrible timing. And another source of depression since it used to be that he was going to use the sabbatical for paternity leave in august.

Speaking of depression, I can’t shake it. I am obsessed with misery and with the joy of others and the ease of pregnancy for others and by how much it hurts me. I am in love with the idea of being pregnant and feel so so far from that ideal. It’s like being in love with a celebrity or something – or something you think about and lose sleep over but that you know is just out of reach. It’s painful but I continue to bring it on myself by noticing every milestone in everyone else’s pregnancy and early mother hood. And this is not hard since it seems like EVERYONE around me is having babies. And it’s not just me. My boss commented on how many babies there are in the office these days and my county's birth rate was unusually high this past year. And all of my friends seem to be on the bandwagon. And my relatives. So its difficult to keep any kind of perspective.

It’s also difficult to focus on work. I really did think that the m/c would be the worst of things, or the three months that I was pregnant. Like, it’s ok that I wasn’t so productive between oct and jan since I was pg and having morning sickness. And it’s ok that I wasn’t productive in jan/feb since I had just had a miscarriage. But now it’s april and I’m still justifying my lack of motivation and focus due to depression, uncertainty, unfairness. It seems impossible to me that my friend got pg after two months of trying and now has a perfect little boy. Impossibly unfair.

And in my relief that my numbers have dropped and that I may have ovulated, I worry. I worry that the next time could end similarly to this time. I worry that the dr will be mad and that I’ll be depressed and anxious and over-stressed through the next time too. I worry that this may be only the start of the misery, confusion, and depression. That there is really something wrong with me and I won’t be able to have kids. It’s killing me inside. I am SO ready and SO wanting and I think, deserving. Life is not fair. And it can always get worse. Despite my stress and pessimism though, my temp did go up. Thank god my brain doesn’t fully drive my body. Then I’d really be in trouble.

I took an HPT today. With super concentrated FMU of a pretty dehydrated girl, having had a couple glasses of wine every night for the past month or so. I saw a faint line. Frustrating. One more week ‘till I get a beta test again. Another question I may run into: If I am ovulating and do get a period but my numbers aren’t zero…do I try again? Wonder what my dr. would say. For one, she would certainly not be convinced that I o’ed since she doesn’t believe in BBT and told me to put my thermometer back on the shelf. Maybe it is time to try someone else. I would except I think I can get series beta tests from this dr. that I wouldn’t get from someone else since I've only had "one" m/c. Frustrating.