Holidays, a wedding, and angst all the while 12.23.08

The nausea sucks because it doesn’t go away. It ebbs and flows. I’m now 9 weeks, 5 days. Almost 10 weeks. The dr appointment still seems eons away because there are still two holidays to get through. I hate the thought of “getting through” the holidays – these are my favorite ones. I should be excited and enjoying them. Instead I’m depressed, anxious, scared of being ‘found out’ etc.
I’m really scared of genetic abnormalities on the NT scan. I’m scared I’ll conclude that I have to get a CVS which may cause miscarriage and will definitely cause angst, discomfort, pain, days off work, etc. But then again they resolve a lot of mysteries. But then again it's frustrating because I keep reading about these accurate non-invasive genetic tests that won’t be available until a year or two from now. I even emailed the senior researcher on one of the studies to see how I could get ahold of the test (no response). I’m so used to this pregnancy being a secret, it’ll be weird when people know. Probably better since it will be all excitement and none of this isolation and discomfort and fear. But there are still obstacles to get through. I dreamed last night I miscarried. I dreamed it was happening. And DH woke me up and told me I was yelling in my sleep. This anxiousness + wedding planning + going down on Zoloft dose + sickness is really making for a bad couple months.
We’re spending xmas w/ my mom and dad and a few friends. It’ll be fun, I just wish I could drink. Really bad.
I think the sickness is getting better. I haven’t thrown up in a while. I’m taking less vitamins (more worry) because they seem to trigger vomiting. And I’m getting to puffy for my pants. I got my dress altered this week. Shouldn’t be a problem, but who knows. I still have 4+ weeks to go. I have got to get back to working out. I haven’t even been able to walk the dog as much with the sub zero temps and feeling faint and sick all the time. I’m really tired. Always. And faint.
DH and I went to apply for our marriage license today. They made us say an oath and everything. And then they gave me some hand-outs. One of them is about having babies. Pre-natal care basically. Like oh, you’re getting married, you’ll need this. It is in the state’s interest to have healthy people born into it.
Going home.