To tell or not to tell? (warning: another pity party ahead)

So as I've blogged before, I have these friends at work who are ALL new moms. No joke, every single one of them. There are four (and two of the guys are new dads - this all happened in the last 9 months). We went out last night to meet up with the new mom who's on maternity leave and for the first time, but likely not the last, I felt distinctly uncomfortable and resentful with two people that I normally really love to be around. These two I have trusted with my story, they are the only ones at work who know. The inside jokes and banter and wine that I couldn't drink and feeding each other's giddiness was all a bit much because it was all baby related, or more specifically, related to breast-feeding, the joys of maternity leave, and the daycare vs. nannies debate. Then there were the pats on my arm and the sympathetic looks, one of them (the 27 year old) even declared, tipsily "Astrid, WHEN you get pregnant, and you WILL get pregnant. You WILL. No, you WILL," I just looked at her kind of blankly throughout this speech, I didn't protest, I hadn't been fishing for reassurance, I also didn't express any signs of agreement, I think I might have raised my eyebrows a little, like "are you kidding me right now with this?" Maybe I will get pg someday, maybe I won't. How the hell does she know? Like I'm supposed to thank god that she's blessed me with the information that I too can be like her some day. Incidentally, she's the one who told me everything would be fine at my first u/s, so her track record is at least questionable. She continued to impart her drunken wisdom like she was doing me a momentus you'll-thank-me-someday favor: "DON'T look on the internet for advice about what to do with a newborn, I SWEAR, one place tells you you're a terrible mother if you don't have them on a schedule by 6 weeks, another says forget the schedule or your kid will grow up to be OCD, blah blah blah." And then the other new mother chimes in, equally drunkedly: "Oh totally. Blah blah blah blah blah. Not to tell you what you should do, but here's what you should do....ha ha ha ha ha" It was so weird, the feelings I had. I was disappointed and annoyed but simultaneously, I knew that if I was a new mother too, or if I was still pg, or if I was able to have a few drinks with the girls while my kid was safe at home with my MIL or DH, I would have been on cloud 9 about being part of this conversation. It was fun for them and often hilarious. But I would have been just as comfortable if someone had actually taken happiness and dangled it on a string in front of my face just out of reach and yelled in my ear - "not only don't you have this, but you can't have this for a long long time. At least." I know I need to not think of having a kid as the only way I'll ever find happiness. And really, I don't - it was just happiness in that moment that I was so painfully aware of not having after a particularly painful day of hearing that my beta is still 15.

I went home and told DH about the bad news yesterday. The second dose of MTX hasn't had any effect. I was bawling. He said I need to tell my parents. No effing way. We're going to see them for mother's day and I am SO craving the break from it all. Lately I have not wanted to talk about it with anyone and have relished conversations without the cast of this whole mess. And this is something that's difficult to explain accurately and without causing alarm, probably because I don't really have a diagnosis. It certainly sounds alarming. I can just see my parents' faces when I utter the words: "so they want me to have a few more rounds of chemo to see if that works...so far it hasn't", but maybe it's not alarming. And maybe it's even more dire than I think. I just don't know. And we're not one of those families who shares everything. And my mom is pretty outspoken in her thinly veiled disdain for people who announce their pregnancies before they're past the first tri - probably because she herself has had a m/c. The bottom line is that I wouldn't wish this apprehension and anxiety on anyone, least of all my parents. I just don't feel that this has reached the point that I need to tell them.

On the other hand. Telling them would not be without its rewards for me. If my mom knows something about m/c's, she might have an idea of what I'm up against. After all, I do have a lot of her genes. But I somehow think she would have warned me by now if there was something genetic I would have to deal with before I could produce offspring. Or she might be able to comfort me by saying hers was only one an it was a fluke. AND it would have the added benefit of having DH commit to my parents to someday make babies. How could he have effectively created a child, told my parents about it, and then go back into denial about wanting kids? He would be "out" so to speak. Finally, I wouldn't have to hear any more from my parents about when are we going to have a kid.

This whole discussion is all very selfish, except for the point about not wanting to burden my parents with this on the chance that it resolves itself soon. I really don't want that. And I can handle a few comments about when are we having kids. Those could easily be ended by saying - we're thinking maybe in a few years. So if I'm deciding what's best for me, I think it's to enjoy the weekend without having to relive all the details with them and without having to field the grief that I have imparted. I can handle a little grandparental pressure, it actually comforts me. Like if they assume I will be able to have their grandkids, then it must be true.

When status quo isn't

I should be working, but the wait for my HCG results is driving me nuts. I can't concentrate. And I'm really nervous. Like shaky. Sometimes I remind myself of a chihuahua. I feel sick to my stomach, no appetite, and totally distracted and this is only the beginning of perhaps a year of weekly HCG checks. I keep wondering what it means that I haven't heard yet (so far that's been a telltale sign that the news isn't good - she calls right away if it's a low number, sometimes the same night I get the draw!). You'd think I'd be pouring myself into my work as a distraction, and while I do have my frantically productive moments, it's not as comforting as being online with you all or chatting with co-workers about other things. Speaking of talking about other things, I've found I quite crave it. I just got off the phone with a co-worker who's on maternity leave. We were planning a happy hour for tonight (at which I will not be drinking). She knows about the m/c and the mysterious HCG levels and asked if I was "all healthy now." "No." I said, actually disappointed that she had asked, and proceeded to give her the update. It has felt good to have people to talk to about this in the past few months, but I'd rather spend my time talking to my non-IF friends about something else. I do enough ruminating on my own, I like having other people who have been through this to chat with, but around my other friends, I'd love to talk about anything else, the weather, workplace drama, vacations, even other peoples' babies. I want to find comfort in the caring words of people who have never been through this and who had easy peasy pregnancies, and there are some wonderful and sensitive people in my life fitting this description who have been very understanding and helpful. But I can't get away from feeling like Debbie Downer around them and knowing that while they are going out of their way to be supportive, one's words can only be as authentic as the experiences behind them. Also, I don't want to be that person that you have to be super sensitive around. And their sensitivity, while well-meaning and appreciated, is also a stark reminder of my situation.

I don't have any symptoms except a very very might-be-in-my-head minor AF-like heaviness. No real cramps. Nothing is 'coming out.' Everything is just blah. Feels a lot like the first injection. I have to think that if I was getting close to zero, I'd feel something more. This feels like status quo. And status quo is 20-40. It's bizarre the things you notice when you start watching particular aspects of your body like a hawk.

UPDATE: Beta is 15. Still. No wonder she didn't call back right away. And no wonder I don't feel any different and my temp has been exactly the same for the whole week. I'm on the phone w/ the gyn-oncologist trying to make an appointment. MTX #3 is scheduled for Friday. If I was on Twitter I would tweet something like: Trying to keep from falling apart at work.

If money can't buy happiness, at least it can buy escape

Having just finished telling MeAndBaby how un-materialistic I've become following my pregnancy and subsequent m/c...I have to admit that I've had a relapse.

I spent Sunday with a girlfriend who I love and who doesn't have kids yet (she's a couple yrs younger and unmarried) and who doesn't know about the hell I've been through in the last 6 months and it was really exactly what I needed. To just forget about it all for an afternoon, to talk about something else, get out of my own head, and to relish the freedom of being unattached to family obligations (DH is out of town this week). We spent the day at a high-end shopping center - one of those ones with a Burberry and Neiman Marcus. I had an $11 salad for lunch, we got our nails done - mani AND pedi, I spent too much on clothes...I pretty much went nuts. I can't quite figure it out 'cause I have not been moved to spend money on myself since this saga began...maybe the first collection of nice work clothes I accumulated two years ago when I became a real lawyer are finally getting tired and scruffy, maybe I'm trying to indulge away my pain and anxiety, sometimes I feel like I'm trying to control my life, which has spun decidedly and wickedly out of control in the last few weeks, by throwing money at it and convincing myself that if I can't have a baby now, at least I can spend enough money on myself to at least look the part of a successful, legitimate, and fabulous woman. I was even able to adopt the attitude, momentarily, that I don't mind waiting, didn't my new-mom-girlfriend just tell me to wait as long as I can? And another told me to enjoy this time. Enjoy being able to do what you want to, when you want to. So I am trying. And whatever possessed me to spend the money that I did, I have to admit, on at least a superficial level, I think it was worth it.

The proverbial (and not so proverbial) brick wall

The symptoms of the second MTX injection have been a little more noticeable than the first, even though the dose was smaller. 66mg yesterday vs the original 83. Apparently they will get smaller and smaller the further we go down this course of treatment. I question the wisdom of this because it's not intuitively obvious. I mean if 83 didn't work, why do we think 66 will? Maybe there is sufficient MTX in my system from the first injection to have an additive effect. That would certainly explain the side effects. I felt pretty nauseous the night I got the injection and my workouts have been pretty sad. I just don't have the energy that I usually do. And on average, I have zero appetite. And lots of heartburn. Like my metabolism has ground to a halt. Which makes sense since apparently my liver will be pretty busy for a while processing all of this poison. Not too many cramps but enough to make me think the drug is having some effect. No bleeding at all.

It's difficult to find foods without too much folic acid. Which is the opposite complaint from the one I had when I was pregnant. I was afraid then that I wouldn't be able to incorporate enough foods with folic acid. It's funny what these experiences can do to your perspective. Everything is relative. So I had ice cream and rice cakes last night, I've been eating candy and and coffee and cheese and yogurt and really just anything made out of processed junk and/or high fructose corn syrup. You don't realize how much you appreciate healthy food until it's forbidden.

No alcohol. This is maybe the most depressing side effect of them all. I can't drink and it's not because I'm pregnant. A co-worker suggested I might be 'cause I wasn't drinking at happy hour. And I couldn't really blame him, it is the obvious give-away. If I ever get pregnant again I plan to do everything possible to avoid happy hours. There is no way not to arouse suspicion if you're a lush like me who all of the sudden swear it off completely. Especially in my group where there has been a noticeable baby boom over the last year. Everyone is on pregnancy watch. I wanted to respond that I wasn't drinking because I'm undergoing chemotherapy treatments. I wanted to make him uncomfortable for making me sad and uncomfortable. But I did not want the questions and pity party and stigma that would inevitably follow. So I said something lame about being a lightweight and having to drive home soon.

In the past couple days I've wondered if I should change the name of my blog. Maybe it's too optimistic. And even if/when I get out of all this HCG nightmare, there will be no babymaking for probably a year. Maybe I should join some other support groups, they must have those for people going through what is essentially cancer treatment. I perused the molar blogs listed on Stirrup Queens and while I typically shy away from IF blogs with baby pictures in the latest posts, it gave me pure happiness and great strength and hope to know that these two women had a happy ending to their stories.

So I'll stick with the name for now. Hopefully this treatment will be successful and I won't be consumed by this drama for long. One thing that seems appropriate now is the profile picture I posted a few weeks ago when I started this thing. At the time the symbolism of the brick wall was totally lost on me, it didn't occur to me at all. And then a few days ago I had what felt like an epiphany that the brick wall was exactly the statement I must have been trying to make. Like it was a subconscious act of summing up my entire story thus far and my mood about it generally instead of a just a random test shot I took with my new camera to see if the color accent function was working properly. The world works in mysterious ways.

Dx: persistent trophoblastic tissue

I keep wondering if I've hit bottom. I thought maybe a m/c would be it. Like now that I've weathered this devastating storm, I've lost a baby.

"I'm distraught, and confused and more disappointed than I think I have ever been. Things can only get better, right?"

Wrong.

"Well than at least they won't get worse, I can count on that, right?"

No.

"Well then how 'bout four months later when my betas were still positive and I was told I would need a shot of chemo. Chemo is cancer treatment, and we won't be able to try again for months so this must be the bottom right here."

Nope, keep going.

"Well then how 'bout here, I need more chemo, maybe a lot more, I'm afraid that there's a non-zero chance that I have something incurable...is this the lowest it will get? Is this the singular most depressing and scary place I will have to inhabit during my TTC process? Or is it only the tip of the iceberg? ...."

...[no answer]....


Yesterday was tough for me. I really had to make an effort to get through every hour. It was like I had to trick my mind into thinking the tasks were smaller than they actually were. Here's how it went.

"I need to edit this agreement and draft a cover letter before I leave, can I do that?"

No, no chance. There is no way you can get through that without erupting into a puddle of tears.

"Well how about if I just print the agreement?"

Ok sure, hit print.

"Can I walk to the printer and pick it up?"

Give it a shot.

"Ok, got it. Now. Can I read the first paragraph?"

And so it went.

Today my eyes feel dry. Like I've cried too much and not gotten enough sleep.

What a difference 6 little points can make.

I spoke to my Dr. finally. She told me she had just gotten out of labor and delivery. Fan-freaking-tastic. In her defense, she did mention it would be me "up here" some day.

Diagnosis is persistent trophoblastic tissue. How specific, right? She talked to the specialist who thinks there's no reason to suspect anything else. But what else could it be? That pretty much covers a lot of things. Some more scary than others. The specialist (a gynecologic oncologist) said there was no need for me to see him. No need for a body scan (to see whether the persistent trophoblastic-ness [read: cancer] has spread) which both comforts and scares me at the same time. Shouldn't we do a scan, just in case? What would the harm be? She also said that if we don't treat it with MTX now and consistently, it could get more difficult to treat. Coriocarcinoma? Is it that? Why can't people just be straight with me? Haven't I been through enough?

I am now supposed show up for weekly MTX injections until the HCG is zero. Which means also weekly metabolic workups and twice weekly HCG draws. I'm starting to wonder whether I should take medical leave and just sleep in my car outside the lab. Even after HCG is zero (if it ever gets there) I will need to do weekly HCG draws to make sure it doesn't start growing again. What an effing clusterF! The pregnancy wasn't molar, or so said the pathology report (isn't it possible to miss partial molars?) but this sounds suspiciously like the maintenance of a molar pregnancy. Only stranger, because aren't like 80-90% of molars 'cured' by a D&C? Maybe one MTX injection? WTF have I gotten myself into?

True, 15 is low. I am hoping one more MTX will do it. But I feel so defeated. As of now there is no date set for resuming TTC. It will all depend on the outcome of this chemo regimen. I can say that it will not be within the next six months. I can't really believe this is happening to me. This is really rare. Why why why? And will it happen again? Why can't my body just do its thing, get rid of it? IT'S OVER.

Bad news

I had a nightmare last night that my betas were 3. I remember thinking when I woke up that now I can completely relate to MeAndBaby's frustration a few weeks back. But at the same time I recall that during her frustration, I yearned to be at three. And I have not lost sight of that.

It turns out there's a reason I didn't get a call back yesterday. My results were not good. They were 28 when I had the MTX injection two weeks ago. They were at 9 one week ago. Yesterday they were 15. My Dr. has contacted a specialist and that's why she hasn't been in touch. I heard this all from a receptionist who had no other information or words of advice. This is scaring me. A lot actually. On one hand, they've bounced around before, never by more than 10 pts, and this is no exception. And 15 is not a high number. But on the other, I had a shot of MTX. This should not be happening. It was supposed to be good news today. I feel sick.

Disappointment

Next time I feel the urge to leave work at any time between the hours of 8am and 6pm for a blood draw, I plan to look back at this post to remind myself of all the reasons why that's a bad idea. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. TRAFFIC. Everywhere. From the elevators to the parking lot to the streets to the waiting room. Who knew so many people were running around town at 10am? What are you doing? Shouldn't you be at work? And if you're not at work, how about sleeping in? No, apparently 10am is thee time to get your blood drawn. The waiting room was packed. And I hate waiting. For anything. I would rather spend twice as long getting to my destination as long as I am moving or doing something the whole time than wait around doing nothing for even a few minutes. And I forgot my book so I really was doing nothing. Typically I stop by the lab on my way home from work at 6:15 just before it closes and sometimes I don't even have a chance to sit down, it's so empty. I don't know what possessed me to go early today. Actually I do. My Dr. is off tomorrow and I wanted to get the results in time to have a chat with her about them, just in case they really were at zero.

2. It's about 150 degrees outside. So 250 degrees in my car.

3. Because of the points made in number 1, it took about 7 times longer than usual to get the test done, forcing me to miss the noon meeting [read: free lunch] I was hoping to get to. So instead I dropped $10.50 on a bagel and fruit salad. And I lost my fabulous parking space at work. Which is an even bigger deal today than usual because I happen to be wearing heels. High ones.

4. The morning shift lab techs don't know me. While that may sound like a positive, given my experiences described in the Pregnancy Lady post, it turns out that the default needle used by the mid-day staff is about a 6 guage. My lab techs know that my tiny veins require about a 32 guage. Ok, I might be exaggerating - maybe on both ends of the spectrum - but even if I am, it's not by much.

5. This one has nothing to do with what time I went to get the test and everything to do with the insensitivity of the OB/G department staff, so I'll add it to the complaints just for kicks: when I walked up to the lab desk they checked me in and told me I had two lab slips. One for today and one for 48 hours from now. I can understand a few slips in this industry now and then concerning the sensitive treatment of people who have lost a pregnancy. I can handle a couple of off comments. I can forgive the male lab techs who probably aren't trained in this area and likely know nothing about the female experience of a miscarriage. But the consistency of the insensitivity is really quite astounding. This was just the latest exampe because I know, and you dear reader probably also know, that there is no reason to get the second beta 48 hours later unless you are dealing with the possibility of a viable pregnancy.

6. As long as I'm airing grievances, W(hy)TF haven't they come up with an in-home beta quant test???? I can't even begin to imagine how much i'd be willing to pay for one of those. Hundreds. Maybe a thousand.

7. It was all for nothing - no one called me back with my results. Even after I called to follow up this afternoon. So I might as well have waited. 'Cause I won't get to talk to my Dr. anyway until Friday.

Lesson learned.

I didn't take an HPT yesterday morning. Usually I do on the days I get a beta, just to compare. I'm not sure why I didn't today. I think it's because I was afraid of seeing a positive, like last week, when really my levels were well below the minimum detectible amount advertised by the test. I didn't want to see an evap line or a real line and then be depressed all day today and maybe tomorrow. I wanted to be blissfully unaware of any reason to think my levels were anything other than zero. Also, I'm tiring of the high-maintenanceness of my TTC routine. It's starting to feel a bit obsessive. And all of this testing and recording and researching does nothing for my ability to concentrate on other things. So I figured I can let some things slide once in a while.

ADDED:

A story about more insensitivity, this time from DH (say it isn't so). I was recounting yesterday's aggravated wait for the lab results and said at the end, "I'm so frustrated." He responded "you're easily frustrated." And there it was.

What I wanted to say: "You m[beep]er f[beep]ing a[beep]h[beep]. How the f[beep] can you say that? As if I haven't been through enough s[beep] this year to be a little stressed out. Really? You think I need a few more hits before I'm entitled to be frustrated? I haven't been through enough? And while we're at it, the only way you could even make such a d[beep]-bag comment like that is if you had been completely oblivious to what's been going on with me for the last four months. How can you be SO ignorant of my ongoing frustration when not an hour goes by, not a single hour, that I don't think about what's going on - with us, with our future, with my betas, with our chances, with my body, with my relationships to my friends?!?!??! I dare you to try to spend five f[beep]ing minutes in my head and see how easily frustrated you get."

What I really said: "I have waited every day since January second for some resolution. I am entitled to be frustrated. I think anyone in my situation would be."

He conceded: "You're right, I understand. I do." B[beep] S[beep]t.

Dinner Party

DH and I threw our first real adult sophisticated dinner party - the kind where more wine is served than beer and where the food is from a cook book and the oven instead of the freezer or a pizza box - in my and DH's new house last night. Actually it's not really new. It was built in the 50's and we moved in a year ago but it still feels new to us and it was the first time we had done this. The dinner was a thank-you for the key players in the wedding, the people who threw our showers, bachelor(ette) parties, the MOH and best man, etc. So my parents were there, DH's sister and her family (one daughter, 9), my MOH and her SIL, and the best man (BM) and his family. Which includes his adorable wife and their 8 month old son. I knew this would be difficult in one way or another. On one hand I was hoping the baby would behave so DH wouldn't get scared of having one of our own. On the other, I wished on some level that he wouldn't be there because I knew he would be the center of attention and that would mean comments aimed in my general direction.

And so it went. The first heartbreak was when my parents arrived, earlier than anyone else, and asked who was coming. We mentioned BM's baby was coming and my mom literally jumped up and down. Oh I'm so excited, I was really hoping BM would be here so I could just ask about his new baby, and the baby's coming!?! Do you know how long it's been since I've held a baby?" And hold him she did. She was so happy. SO HAPPY. She had him on her lap and he'd reach for the dogs and if there are two things in this world that my mom's heart goes out to it's babies and dogs. I was thrilled to see her so happy. Genuinely. My mom is historically not the happiest person. She's a worrier like me and has her share of insecurities and has not always been happy in her marriage. This is all for another post. Maybe. The point is that it was a moment of uninhibited sheer primal happiness for her. And I could not stop wishing it was her own grandchild and trying to imagine a happiness 1000x greater crossing her face. I could not stop thinking that I had failed to live up to this, most important of challenges for daughters everywhere. And thinking how badly I wanted her to know that I was trying. And that we had come so close. I never told her about the m/c. I didn't want the disappointment I feel to burden them. I don't want my mom to internalize the ordeal, thinking it's somehow her fault. I may tell them someday. If things don't work out for a few years, I may have some explaining to do. And maybe if/when we have a baby, I'll be able to tell them at that point.

These moments weren't the worst though. Later came more direct comments from both my mom and my dad on independent occasions. For my mom it was in the kitchen before dinner, she was talking to the new mom about how close her parents lived to the baby and how nice that was. My mom goes: "That's what worries me, we're so far from here" - she lives 2 hrs away. I said indignantly and sort of sarcastically, "Why does that worry you? We don't have any babies." She says delicately, "But you might have some someday right? Don't you think?" "I don't know mom, maybe." I said. My voice rife with despair and disappointment which she probably, unfortunately, misinterpreted as immature annoyance at the question.

Later, after dinner, my dad said, while DH was holding the baby and having a wonderful time of it, "so when are you going to get one of those?" I deflected by announcing over the entire crowd "hey honey, my dad wants to know when we're going to get one of those." This wasn't fair, I know. I'm so angry about our situation and too often I unintentionally come off as blaming DH. Or as asking him to fix it somehow. I think I blame him for not being as enthusiastic as I am about the process and that's part of my anger at the whole thing, but in no universe of thought do I ever blame him for what happened to our first pregnancy. So it wasn't fair to imply that it was him that was holding us back. And that's not what I meant to imply, I simply meant to include him in the conversation because I was tired of fielding these questions by myself, but I'm afraid it came off badly. As soon as I said it there were some low-toned "oooooooh's" from the audience, like hey DH the pressure's on, what's he going to say? He had a fabulous answer. "As soon as you can retire and come babysit." Some 'oh!'s' from the crowd this time at his winning answer! DH is very witty. This was a perfectly appropriate answer. And to my delight, locked him in and made him accountable in front of his friends. He's going to have babies. Of course the thought of my dad providing the babysitting is ridiculous so that condition can be ignored, it was pure sarcasm. So all I heard was "soon."

Later I was talking to my MOH and very best friend since high school in the kitchen. She knows all about the m/c and all night kept looking at me and then looking at my belly with this "well?" look on her face. I just shook my head. At one point she asked if we were trying again. I was giving her the update in the kitchen. I confessed to her during the conversation that I thought I wanted a kid more than DH. She said "that's how guys are, it's the same with me and [her DH]." That made me feel better. I think she's right. It's like the wedding and the dog. He hated the idea of a wedding and was petrified about bringing a dog into our lives. And now he's thankful for both and completely and utterly in love with the dog. So the fact that he's supportive at all about the kids thing is a good sign. But it still infuriates me when conversations go like this:

DH: Your kids will be blah blah blah.

Me: You mean OUR kids.

DH: No, they're going to be your kids.

I know he's joking. Like the jokes about when the dog is misbehaving it's my dog. But it's one of those jokes that you feel you should qualify by saying: there's some truth to every joke.

I think MOH is right though. He's a guy's guy and I've known that from the beginning. And he really loved holding the baby last night. Even saying to him at one point "you want to stay here? I'll keep you."

A hot mess

My nails are breaking 'cause I haven't been taking my prenatals. My skin is ridiculous - it's breaking out everywhere. I'm afraid to be within 20 feet of anyone, and that's with makeup on. I can't make any sense of my BBTs or lack of symptoms. I cheated and had a glass of wine last night. So I am wondering about that - wouldn't I feel it if I had damaged my liver irreparably? Is that why I felt nauseous this morning, or was it hormones? Does alcohol have any affect on the efficacy of the MTX? I'm distracted at work and I really can't afford that these days. Sometimes I feel like I'm just losing it.

A friend of mine just announced on Facebook that she's in her third trimester. With three exclamation points. And her friends are all commenting on how much they loved feeling their babies kick and that of course the best is yet to come. This particular friend got pregnant one week before I did. She told really early in her pregnancy, at 7 weeks. And I remember wanting to say something about mine so so badly. But I waited. And I thought she was crazy for telling people right away, doesn't she know you're supposed to wait? And now she's doing fine. And I'm not. And I want to be happy for her. But I can't really get there. It's one thing to be happy for my co-workers who were pregnant before I was even thinking about it. But it's different when it's a 'due-date buddy' with no appreciation or even conception of what some people go through just to have a minute chance at the happiness and excitement she's experiencing. Blissful ignorance. It's hard to take.

But I'm strangely comforted by the fact that none of it really matters right now. There is no pressure to make a baby until this fall and whatever is going on with me right now should be resolved by then...right? I used to give myself checkpoints that turned out to be too soon in the future, thus setting myself up for failure. I want to be pg by this date when I see X. I want to be pg by this other date so I can announce it on mother's or father's day. I want to be pg by my original due date, that would help. And now it's a even farther off. We probably won't try again until September. July if things look particularly good. I want to make damn sure that I don't have to spend the whole pregnancy (god willing that there is a whole pregnancy) worrying that the MTX (or lack of folic acid) has affected the baby. So I will wait. No pressure on me, no pressure on DH. He'll come back from his sabbatical missing me like crazy and wanting a family. And maybe it will work out this time.

The unfortunate thing about nothing mattering until September-ish is that I really can't shake the idea that truly, nothing matters. Like I wish I could skip to then, skip four or five months of my life. Wipe it away. It sounds a little like depression. Can I just stay in bed until the next time there might be a some hope that my life will turn out ok? I'm not asking for a guarantee here. Just a glimmer of hope. Or even less, as long as it's there.

At least I have hope. I am not an optimist. It makes me good at my job to not be. I'm a natural born 'glass is half empty' kind of girl. But still I have hope in this case, somehow. A desperate blind kind of hope that I usually don't permit myself to have, lest I get disappointed. But in this case, I allow myself the hope because the idea of not being able to have a child is so awful that I'm more afraid to conceptualize the possibility of failure than I am of disappointment. I think what I lack is perspective. The conviction that life is worth it, even without a child. It's especially ok for four months. Patience. Just when I think I've offered up all the patience I can muster, I have been slapped in the face with another delay, completely out of my control. And there could be more delays. Many more. And I've been learning from this. And I will probably be able to let things go easier from now on. But why now? Why does it have to be this singular, most important desire in my life that I am to learn these difficult lessons from? A desire for something so seemingly natural and intrinsic to the life of a woman. Something so universal and respected and embraced. Maybe because if it wasn't something this important, I wouldn't care enough for it to be a real lesson.

The Pregnancy Lady

My HPT was positive again yesterday. Same shade as three days ago when my beta was 21. :( I walked into the lab last night and saw the two guys I often see on the evening shift. Guys that I really want to like and respect. They helped me out once when my lab slip went missing by taking my blood anyway. This might not seem like much, but having had to leave work early, I was almost overcome with relief at not being sent away. One of them is the guy who can take blood without me even feeling it. It's unbelievable. They're starting to recognize me which I'm trying to look at as a good thing, like we're all friends and I'm becoming an insider who can get blood taken even if I don't have a lab slip. Like if I really wanted to get my metabolic workup done on the side they'd do it for me without asking a doctor. Or something more clandestine that I haven't thought of yet....like if I needed some clean blood for a drug test. But I don't do any drugs so that probably won't come in handy. So imagine my disappointment when, as I'm walking towards the desk I hear "Oh, hey.....(well, that part was fine)...it's the pregnancy lady!" I could feel my heart sink. One of them knows by now exactly what's going on. I lost my baby. He's not the a-hole that made this incredibly insensitive remark, thankfully. Although he's had his moments. Like when I told him my betas were going down too slow he said, "maybe it was a slow baby." I was in stupefied shock after that one too.

So I corrected them, I said "No, it's the NOT-pregnancy lady." The guy who ended up taking my blood (perfect shot guy) made a point to learn my name finally during the visit so I guess he realized the jokes just weren't funny.

I'm so detached from it all now though that I wasn't really all that offended. Just amazed at the insensitivity of people. I think because I never saw a heartbeat or the shape of a little tiny person, I've been able to keep the grief to a minimum. And when the waterworks do begin, it's usually over fear for the future. Fear that DH won't be enthusiastic when the time comes again, fear that I'll never have a healthy pregnancy. Fear that my parents won't be able to enjoy their grandchildren. I haven't had to grieve much because I think of the pregnancy (ies?) as largely chemical, scientific happenstance. I SO wanted this idea that I had become attached to to become a reality and now I'm bitter and angry at how I'm missing that component of my life while others, seemingly effortlessly, are marching into parenthood like they've really accomplished something and are obviously more deserving. And they are deserving, of course, but not more than me. I am only now realizing how very much people take the ability to have children for granted. Having entered this community of loss and infertility, it's seems to me now to be a great and tragic taboo. Something that so many people go through and yet, young people are conditioned to assume nothing will go wrong because, while things go wrong ALL THE TIME, no one talks about it or treats it as normal. I wonder what my two co-workers (both new moms) that know about this think - that I'm not healthy? That there must be something wrong with me that I somehow deserve and it won't happen to them because they are healthy? That they are better than me? If I'm being honest with myself, I might have thought the same thing if I were them. Having never experienced loss, I'd be so snug and secure in my fertility that I'd have to find something wrong that caused someone else to have trouble to enable me to comfort myself and convince myself "it will never happen to me." It's kinda like passing the bar in California. If you pass but a friend of yours fails, to their face it's all about "oh, the grading is so random, it can happen to anyone, it's totally unfair." But deep down you're thinking - there has to be a reason. It's definitely that person's fault, at least a little. Doesn't mean she's not a good person or smart in many many ways. But she either did something to bring this on herself or through sheer unfortunate chance, she is simply not genetically wired like someone who passes the first time.

One of my friends, who has a 9 month old, said to me recently, "I think everyone has to go through something big like this," like no one can get away with an easy life for long. And maybe she's right. Maybe I was due for a major disappointment. And I have grown from the experience. But maybe it's all up to chance and I've just gotten unlucky this time. Maybe these two 'maybies' are the same. But it's not like I've had a perfectly easy life. Does anyone have this? Maybe a select few, but I suspect that I wasn't due at all. That this is just pure cosmic unfairness.

In any case, my betas are down. To 9! In the way of symptoms, still no bleeding, but more discharge, like stuff is getting expelled. Seems like things are approaching normalcy...although my temp shot up today, which worried me. Something is always worrying me. Maybe it's because, until now, nothing has gone right with this process.

New lows

I took an HPT yesterday. I've been doing that now coincident with Betas. It was positive. After last week's disappointment I couldn't even venture a guess as to whether it was more or less positive than last week's when my beta was 28. I just don't trust myself with the shades of "faint pink" anymore. All I know is that I could see the line. And it disheartened me. So I went to get my blood drawn on Easter Sunday. The lab was pretty empty. I remember consoling myself with the thought that even if the number hasn't budged, no one can make me get another MTX shot. At this rate, waiting for it to go down on its own might take less time than waiting out a second dose of MTX. In other words, even if it takes five months for HCG to go down without another injection, this is still less time than it would take for the MTX to be out of my system and for me to have a couple months of prenatals under my belt and feel comfortable TTC again.

I just got a call from my Dr. She said the levels are 21....(!) I'm trying not to get too excited because if there's anything this experience has taught me, it's: don't do that. But she did say "this appears to be working." And I have to admit that I'm relieved. -7 points in four days is a lot better than +1 in two weeks and suggests that the drug has intervened effectively. Still no symptoms which has bothered me. Except that my BBTs continue to plummet. 96.76 this morning. This too is a new low.

I asked about the possible second failed pregnancy and the reasons it may have failed. She said probably it's because it was "too soon out of the blocks," and mentioned that if I wanted, we could do some additional tests (thyroid, etc.). Thyroid seems to be an answer to a lot of things. I am all about more tests when it comes to TTC. The Dr. was worried the lab techs know me by name by now - I said I didn't mind, I'd rather have the information than not.

I also asked about what to expect in the way of symptoms. The zero bleeding in 3.5 months concerns me a little (ok, a lot). It's what originally got me thinking about Asherman's I had to leave that question with the receptionist who misinterpreted the question and asked the Dr. if a little bleeding was normal. The Dr. said yes. So I had to have them recast the question and she responded that no bleeding is also normal. I'm just going to let it go. As long as the numbers go down, I'm happy. Except that she recommended I don't drink until the numbers are zero. It isn't enough that I swear it off for any future pregnancies I might have? It's forbidden until this ridiculous non-pregnancy clusterF is over too? I have a family gathering coming up this weekend and so as not to raise the wrong kind of suspicion, I think I'll cheat a little at that point. But I think I can be good for now. It's very difficult. I LOVE wine.

I have suspicions that my co-worker who just got back from maternity leave in January is pg again. We've rescheduled happy hour twice for her and she's found some excuse twice. "Oh I forgot, my husband is out of town and I have to pick up my kid that day." Mmm-hmmm. Maybe I'm just being hyper aware and making things up. And she is still breast feeding, so it could be nothing. But I don't think she'd tell me even if it was something. And it's sad 'cause it's not that we're not close - we are. I've told her everything about my experience and she always has good advice. I think she would try to spare me the news. So the reason she wouldn't say anything would be pity, not lack of depth to the friendship. That is why I sometimes regret telling anyone about the m/c. I only told 4 people outside DH and myself, and on the whole I'm glad I did 'cause I really needed the consolation. But once in a while, I could do without the pity and the reminders.

Another setback

I guess I anticipated the idea that I might need a methotrexate (MTX) shot. But after the 27 two weeks ago, I guess I let myself get too optimistic. My HCG was 28 yesterday. Suddenly it made sense that the HPT I took yesterday looked eerily the same as the one I took the week prior. The first hint I had that something was amiss this morning was when my Dr. left a message in which she did not disclose the beta result. She said she wanted to discuss the results. I immediately concluded that this meant one of two things. Either the results were not good and she wanted to discuss possible next steps to encourage the HCG to decline. Or the results were so good that she wanted to caution me against TTC again too soon, as that is her style. Then I thought, whenever I think I've covered all the bases, I inevitably miss one. I also thought, either result is good. At least we'll be getting somewhere. But now that the first possibility has been realized, I am alarmed, saddened, and angry. More upset than I thought I would be. I had planned a happy hour for tonight with two of my new-mom co-workers and right now I don't want to look at or talk to either of them. I definitely don't want to discuss this with them and have devised a secret plan in my head regarding how to get out of it.

I have to leave in 15 minutes to go to a doctor's appointment. The dr. is doing an u/s and as I've alluded, thinks a MTX shot is in order. I immediately jumped onto the internet to do some 'research' and have concluded that I hate the idea of a MTX shot. I just don't know if I hate it more than I hate the idea of waiting longer for the hormones to go down. I have to get another blood test to make sure I'm 'fit' to receive the MTX. And in the back of my mind lingers the possibility that in a couple hours it won't be the MTX I'll be worried about. Like she'll find something else during the exam or the u/s that explains everything. Could be good or bad if that happens.

The reason I hate the idea of MTX is that it's chemo and it strips folic acid out of your system. Thus delaying the TTC process. If I really did ovulate and am on the verge of a bleed, maybe I should just ride it out. Maybe I'll ask her about that if there's no sign of infection or anything like that.

UPDATE: I went to the Dr. She did the u/s and found an abnormal mass that she said was either a blood clot or the (largely reabsorbed) gestational sac from my second failed pregnancy. Sad and frustrating but perhaps good to have maybe identified the culprit? I don't want to hope that there's any basic explanation to all this. So far I've been so disappointed. And the idea of it being a second failed pregnancy scares me. A lot. And makes me think I'll never have a healthy one. And at the rate this process has gone (it has not been a 'simple' m/c) I don't know how many of these I can go through. Even if I'm ok with a dozen m/c's to get one healthy child, I don't know if there are that many 6-month periods left in my fertile life. I guess there are. But i really did not want to wait till my late thirties.

I made the mistake of asking a question about what else the problem could be - could anything else be causing the persistent hcg? Or could the tissue we think we found signal anything else that might be wrong. "You should never ask a doctor that question," she said. "There are a THOUSAND things it could be. I don't see any reason to go into it." Ok, thanks, I feel much better.

So methotrexate, she said, is the best option. She said that's what she would do. So that's what I did. I had a lot of questions and she wasn't really interested. I got some of them answered, but most of them I felt I couldn't push on without making her mad. For example, she said it's IMPOSSIBLE to ovulate if your HCG hasn't reached zero. This would make my whole EWCM + temperature shift that was the subject of my last post meaningless. And maybe it was. Maybe it was progesterone supporting my second doomed pregnancy. But maybe she's wrong and my cycle is kicking back into gear. It's a horrible position to be in to feel like your doctor doesn't condone your asking questions. But by the end of the conversation, I too had reached the conclusion that MTX would be the best option.

I had to go down to the oncology infusion department for the injection. Instead of baby and parenting magazines on the tables, there were catalogues for picking out which wig you want to wear when your hair falls out from the treatments they give you. I didn't have to look at pregnant women anymore. Or pregnant women with their young children and their husbands all in tow as is usually the case. Kids asking when the baby is coming, dads reading about how to raise a happy child. Nine months pregnant women with three other beautiful blond healthy children playing in the waiting room. How different their experiences must be from mine. How easy it is for some people. It was not only a relief to be out of the obgyn department, but being at infusion made me more grateful for the health I do have. At least I am not fighting for life. Seeing people who were made me feel a little selfish and self-absorbed for being so consumed by my TTC process.

They sat me down in a big lazy boy style chair and asked if i wanted a "warm blanket" or anything to drink or if I wanted to put my feet up. Like I was settling in for a long stay. I was under the impression (from my google research) that I was only getting a shot and that the whole experience would take only a few minutes. I mentioned this and the intake girl said it would probably be an IV and put my left hand between two heating pads to "warm up my veins." I started to wonder if they understood what I was there for. Or if they were about to accidentally give me the 1000x dose and create one of those 'hospital mistakes' like the ones you hear about that end up killing someone or removing the wrong leg.

When the nurse arrived she laughed at the warming pads on my hand and said I didn't need those. Too bad I hadn't just sat back and enjoyed the prior 10 minutes instead of fretting about hospital mistakes - the pads felt quite nice. The nurse closed the drapes around my chair, told me to take off my pants and then told me to grip the side of the chair. "Uh oh," I said jokingly, "is this going to hurt?" "Yes," she said, it hurts. She swabbed me with alcohol and said she was going to let it dry for a minute so it didn't sting as much when she went in. Then she stuck me, and it was like any other shot, not so bad. A little sting, a little burn. Compared to what I was prepared for, it was nothing. I was actually thankful that she had made it sound like it would be super painful. "Is that it?" I said, "that wasn't so bad." She told me that another patient she had had yelled and moaned about it so she tells people it will hurt. It really wasn't that bad but I feared that I would be taken down by side effects. Nausea, cramping, m/c symptoms, hair loss maybe.

None so far except for a couple shooting pains in my pelvic area. Not really cramp like, just sharp shooting pains. Shockingly painful for a nanosecond and then they go away. And I've only had a few. I almost wish I would have more cramping or that I'd bleed or something. Anything to show that its working. My BBT took a serious dive as of this morning. I had been temping in the 97.7 range since the 'shift,' and today it was 97.02. Almost pre-O levels I'd say. Time for AF. But I'm sure my body has other ideas.

I've managed to largely stay off the internet and to get some work done since the injection. The real test will be Sunday and Wedns when I'm scheduled to get new beta draws. I keep hearing that sometimes HCG goes up before it goes down after a MTX shot (ok, so I haven't stayed completely off the internet). That scares me. Even if it's 'normal,' I don't want to hear a higher number. It's SO low right now, it ought to just disappear.

Non internal side effects are also discouraging. I can't drink for a few days. Maybe a week since the MTX puts a serious strain on my liver. Also I can't eat anything (including prenatal vitamins) with folic acid since it compromises the efficacy of the MTX. Related to this, and perhaps the most discouraging is the fact that I can't TTC again for months. Because the MTX depleats folic acid and because you can't take prenatals until HCG goes to zero, and because you want to have at least three months of folic acid in your system before TTC to avoid birth defects and serious spinal neuro problems, there are at least 4 months after the shot during which you don't really want to conceive, even if you can. On top of this, DH's sabbatical will fall right over the time when we might be able to start trying again. So there goes another couple months. I'm actually ok with it though. It takes some of the day to day angst away. I don't have to live day to day and week to week thinking and hoping maybe just maybe things will be improved in the next few days. Maybe I o-ed yesterday, maybe today. I can take a break from that. There's no possibility of getting pg in the next several months (it turns into a 6 month wait if the first shot of MTX doesn't work and I have to get another one). It's sad though. I think about how much my mom wants to make a sweater for her own grandchild and how my dad wants to go to disneyland with them. On one hand its just a few months. On the other, it's a year after we were prepared for the new life. And I won't be pregnant by my original due date, which is depressing. And my friends will probably be pg with their second before I can even start trying, which is depressing. But I have to focus on the positives and the healthy reasons to want a child. It's not a competition, it's not for anyone else. And in the meantime, I have to learn how to enjoy not having those strings and stressors.

I'm less worried about DH's mindset than I used to be. I think he's seen how much I've gone through for this and for him to take the hope away would be the worst injury he could inflict. He did casually say he wanted one kid and not two recently. And said, only half joking 'two is two too many.' But I brought him around, back to the idea of two. And I think if I play my cards right everything will work out. I hate to think I would have to "play my cards" at all and that my DH wouldn't just automatically support me. But kids is a sensitive issue. A very personal one and one that changes your life completely and in unimaginable ways. So I have to be sympathetic, and I'm ok with that.

Ovulation detected

According to my BBTs and Fertility Friend, I have ovulated. Which means I've had at least 3 days (actually 5 now) of temps elevated above the coverline. I have to admit I fudged the data a little (not the temps tho, I don't fuss with those). I saw the temperature shift just after some serious EWCM but the FF software didn't draw a crosshairs - probably because by now my 'cycle' is about 100 days long and the shift didn't mean much compared to the prior hundred days of variable temps. It only shifted with regard to the two weeks prior. So I had to pick a day about 14 days prior to the shift to be an artificial AF. Then it put all of the latter data points on a new graph and bingo. Ovulation detected on day 15. I certainly hope it means what I think it does. Best case, I'll get AF in about 10 days and be trying again by the end of the month. Here's an anticipated problem though. DH, without knowing any of this, mentioned he might be away at the end of the month for work. I absolutely deflated and haven't said anything yet since it may not even happen. And if it does, it might be one or two nights. And I'm still not sure if that will be an appropriate time according to my extremely volatile 'cycles.' Or if I will have a zero HCG by then and the ok from my Dr. So trying not to stress too soon. But it would be just my luck if he's gone for the entire fertile window. Even if we end up missing it though, and even if my dr. says to continue to abstain (and I actually listen), if I have AF in ten-ish days, I will be so happy that it probably won't bother me much. DH thinks he's going to prune his sabbatical trip down to 1 month. So that gives us plenty of trying time over the summer. Now that my friends have had their babies there is a little less urgency for me. Not sure what that is. Is it that there's no possibility of sharing that condition for now? Or ever, since their first pregnancies are over... Or is it that I've seen them with their kids now and it has made me think - yeah, I can wait a while for that kind of responsibility and state of being completely tied down.

I went to a baby shower for a friend this weekend, so I guess not all of my friends have had their babies. And no doubt some of them will be pg again by the time i ever get to that. Anyway, it was not as hard as I thought it would be. I got a couple pangs of sadness. Like when I first saw the 'it's a girl' balloons outside her house and when she opened all of her adorable presents. And when I saw the nursery. Good lord it was all very adorable. But by and large I was ok with it. Even when someone pointed at me and said "who's next?" I think it gave me hope that this particular pregnant friend had a m/c before being pg with this one. Miracles do happen. I can't wait for mine.

3 month mark - not the good kind.

Tomorrow will be three months since the procedure. And I finally may have a sign that things are returning to normal. Beyond the beta numbers that is. I had a huge temp jump. Not a shift yet, but enough of a jump that if it sticks, it will signal that ovulation occurred. Un freaking believable. The first test then is whether the temps stay up. Then whether I get a period in two weeks. If so, then I will have to weigh what the dr. tells me about trying again against my impatience to be pg again.

One of my two co workers who just had a baby was emailing another co worker who just got back from maternity leave about the minutia of being a new mom yesterday. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t email me. I feel so left out, like an unpopular kid. And I know that’s no way to treat the decision to become a parent. And I know my own worth in my friends’ lives, child or not. But I also know I just can’t connect with them on a level that is so central to their lives and their state of being now. And it depresses me. I probably mention it once a day to DH and that has to stop because I’m unintentionally making him feel like chopped liver. I’ve made him say over and over again that we’ll have babies, just to comfort myself. Not ‘made’ him, but fished for it, I do it all the time. Just for the reassurance that when it’s time again we’ll try and we'll both be in it together. And now there is more urgency since we’re married and we were ready six months ago. So hopefully it will all hold true. I'm afraid to fish too far though. Afraid to make him say that he wants kids too. Because I think it would give him an opportunity to vent his concerns about money and about the future and I don't want to hear it. This seems wrong of me. But he tends to get carried away with the downsides and I'm not really covering over his feelings, just trying to keep them afloat.

Hopefully this is the start of normalcy so that we can get a few tries in before he goes on sabbatical in July or August. What horrible horrible timing. And another source of depression since it used to be that he was going to use the sabbatical for paternity leave in august.

Speaking of depression, I can’t shake it. I am obsessed with misery and with the joy of others and the ease of pregnancy for others and by how much it hurts me. I am in love with the idea of being pregnant and feel so so far from that ideal. It’s like being in love with a celebrity or something – or something you think about and lose sleep over but that you know is just out of reach. It’s painful but I continue to bring it on myself by noticing every milestone in everyone else’s pregnancy and early mother hood. And this is not hard since it seems like EVERYONE around me is having babies. And it’s not just me. My boss commented on how many babies there are in the office these days and my county's birth rate was unusually high this past year. And all of my friends seem to be on the bandwagon. And my relatives. So its difficult to keep any kind of perspective.

It’s also difficult to focus on work. I really did think that the m/c would be the worst of things, or the three months that I was pregnant. Like, it’s ok that I wasn’t so productive between oct and jan since I was pg and having morning sickness. And it’s ok that I wasn’t productive in jan/feb since I had just had a miscarriage. But now it’s april and I’m still justifying my lack of motivation and focus due to depression, uncertainty, unfairness. It seems impossible to me that my friend got pg after two months of trying and now has a perfect little boy. Impossibly unfair.

And in my relief that my numbers have dropped and that I may have ovulated, I worry. I worry that the next time could end similarly to this time. I worry that the dr will be mad and that I’ll be depressed and anxious and over-stressed through the next time too. I worry that this may be only the start of the misery, confusion, and depression. That there is really something wrong with me and I won’t be able to have kids. It’s killing me inside. I am SO ready and SO wanting and I think, deserving. Life is not fair. And it can always get worse. Despite my stress and pessimism though, my temp did go up. Thank god my brain doesn’t fully drive my body. Then I’d really be in trouble.

I took an HPT today. With super concentrated FMU of a pretty dehydrated girl, having had a couple glasses of wine every night for the past month or so. I saw a faint line. Frustrating. One more week ‘till I get a beta test again. Another question I may run into: If I am ovulating and do get a period but my numbers aren’t zero…do I try again? Wonder what my dr. would say. For one, she would certainly not be convinced that I o’ed since she doesn’t believe in BBT and told me to put my thermometer back on the shelf. Maybe it is time to try someone else. I would except I think I can get series beta tests from this dr. that I wouldn’t get from someone else since I've only had "one" m/c. Frustrating.

Nothing good comes easy 3.27.09

Today is 12 weeks from the D&C. I should be pg again by now. Or, if I was good, I would be getting to try again now. But I’m neither. My HCG Wednesday was 27. This is a huge improvement over the 40’s I was in a few weeks ago. But of course not enough and with room for another plateau. I’m hoping for the best. Interestingly, I’m starting to get more (not less) hurt by the process as it wears on. More hurt by my co workers' new babies, by pictures of my friends’ kids. It’s overwhelming how much I think about it. The kind of thoughts that you just can’t control. And I bring it up with DH even though I know he doesn’t really want to hear about it. In part I think he doesn’t want to discuss it because he feels helpless and maybe like he doesn’t have much to offer. In part it’s also his approach to life – don’t worry about things you can’t control. Third, I think he doesn’t want to hear BDing equated with too much technical medical stuff. And fourth, I think it makes him feel inadequate on some level. So it’s kind of a lonely process. I can’t vent to anyone safely. I don’t want to get too deep into it with co-workers, even the two close ones that know about this whole ordeal. I don’t want to burden DH with it because I want him to remain positive about the babymaking process. Hopefully the slate will be wiped clean soon. A clean slate is something I appreciate now more than ever, like being able to even try again would be a momentous gift. I never lose sight of the fact that it could be much much worse. I could have lost the baby at 6 or 8 months. Or could have had a severely disabled child. Or I could be dealing with fertility problems other than just one m/c. But as a friend reminded me yesterday, it could be a lot easier too.

What's wrong with peeing on a few sticks? 3.24.09

The week after the 49 they were 43. So that’s roughly a two week change of -1. Or “no change.” I asked about whether a molar or partial molar was possible. Dr. said based on a ‘very valid’ pathology report, she thought the chances of that were close to zero. I choose to believe her this time. But she did read me the riot act about my tracking HCG with HPTs. I keep insisting that the levels have never been zero and that this is HCG from the first pregnancy. I want her to recognize this and start treating it like an abnormally long wait instead of a normal got pg twice scenario. What if it was molar? The levels really haven’t moved appreciably in almost 3 weeks! This is not normal. Well it could be but it’s pretty unusual, based on my admittedly flimsy but thorough google research. Her explanation: the HPTs can give false positives and I didn’t check HCG in between my weekly HPT tests (actually I did, just too afraid to admit how obsessive I’ve become) and therefore I could be pg. She felt it necessary to add that what I’ve been doing is a science experiment and “unfortunately you’re doing it with your own body.” Whatever, I’m not jeopardizing my health or gambling with a baby here. I’m not harming myself, I’m just trying to be well-informed. She absolutely does not appreciate this fact or the notion that further criticism is not helpful in my fragile state. This is an absolutely disheartening process to be so happy and hopeful and then so crushed and then to realize that the loss was only the beginning of this cycle of frustration and anger and sadness and jealousy and fear. It really weighs on me every second of every day. More so than the pregnancy ever did. And has made me considerably more depressed.

Shortly after I got the 43 result my BBTs which I’m not supposed to still be taking acc to the dr. started dropping appreciably. This made me feel a lot better. Seriously, I went to the bathroom, turned the light on to check the thermometer, and "that's the way (uh-hu uh-hu) I like it" went off in my head. I’m glad I kept taking them. BBTs fall shortly before AF. Always. That’s based on science. So hopefully I’m getting closer. I mean I must be right? In the meantime we’re using condoms. I really am desperate to get this sorted out and am more resigned to the idea that it could be months, rather than weeks, before we can try again.

My best work friend had her baby this week. I am so jealous. But excited for her definitely. But the jealousy is more acute than any jealousy I’ve felt ever. It actually physically hurts. And the deeper into this quagmire of uncertainty over my own biology I get, the worse it hurts. Every day that passes is another day more abnormal that my situation has become. Even if/when I get pg again, I don’t think this haze will lift. I think I will not really consider myself ‘pg’ again until week 15ish w/ a strong hb. Then even as I announce it to co-workers in week 20 (I imagined this the other day) it would still be with a little anguish rather than excitement. I can’t believe another of my co-workers told at 8 weeks w/o even an u/s. I just can’t imagine that. And I’m so glad I don’t have to listen to another of my co-workers who just left on maternity complaining about pregnancy anymore. It’s all getting really difficult. Why me?

More beta work tomorrow. It feels like I’ve waited a year and a half since the last draw. HPTs are still faintly positive. Annoyingly. So def over 20.

Turns out the m/c was just the beginning 3.10.09

I’ve been avoiding this blog. I hate re-living the first time I knew I was pregnant, it makes me sad. But I’ve come back to check on early symptoms. I’ve been tracking my HCG down from 53K (day of D&C), I started having pretty substantial period type pains and finally called the dr. ‘cause this whole process is getting ridiculous. It’s 68 days past the procedure and there has been NO bleeding, breakthrough or otherwise, very little CM, and no other symptoms except for the cramping. So immediately I’ve started to freak out about Asherman’s. So I called, and the Dr. told me to come in and get a couple beta tests. On Wed it was 44. Then I tested Friday. 44 Again. Her theory was that I had gotten down to zero at some point, gotten pg again, and am now miscarrying, Wed having been the incline and Fri having been the decline. W/ respect I tried to protest that my levels have not ever been at zero. I’ve been taking tests every four fucking days and not one has come back true negative. So I have to think that they’re plateauing at 44 which seems more probable than her theory given how long its taken for the levels to come down thus far. I mean really? We just happened to catch the peak of a new pregnancy? The other theory of course is the converse of hers. That I was coming down toward zero, O was triggered, and I’m now PG and HCG is going back up. I will find out any minute what the new number is. Best case scenario, over 100 (new pregnancy, hormones are where they should be). Next best, under 44 (still trending down, albeit slowly). Worst would be 70-ish, like yes there’s a new pregnancy, but it’s not growing correctly. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hope for the first scenario. But I am so convinced that I will be disappointed.

Results: 49. Damn. She thinks it could be a new, unsuccessful pregnancy or a lingering piece of tissue. I think the latter. I would hope a new one just now starting to take off. But that seems less likely. She wants me to come in for more testing next week. Will do.

At this point I’ll be more disappointed if they do go up a little more than if they go down. I don’t want this to be a second failed pregnancy. If they go up a healthy amount I’ll feel better than I would if I’d won the lottery. Because I think it’s just about as likely that they will.

Trying again, if that's possible at this point 3.4.09

Didn’t seem to help to try the first cycle. I’m elated at my first almost negative HPT, praying for AF to come. Read that sentence again. Who would have thought? Elated. I took a blood test today too, after obsessing enough to call my Dr. and get myself in trouble for having unprotected BD before my first two periods. As I suspected, she didn’t have a reason for that.
For the last week and a half I’ve had period like symptoms but no period. SO the next hurdle to overcome is the prospect of Asherman’s. Dr did nothing to dissuade my fear of this. I’m so irritated. Particularly because as I was lying back to have the procedure done in Jan. she said to me “people will tell you there are some risks of scarring or infection, but don’t even think about it. Don’t even think about it.” But now it’s entirely possible? That was not informed consent. Particularly because I inquired as to the advantages and disadvantages of the various options for helping the miscarriage along. And my elation is just about squelched by my continuing frustration by my situation. PRAYING for AF. Luckily DH has been really behind me this whole time. I just hope it lasts. I have so much angst over getting pg again. I’d love to be on a schedule regular enough to direct him. But I can’t help but wish I was still going to have my baby come August.

Aftermath 1.9.09

This has been maybe one of the worst 7 days of my life. Relatively speaking. Like how much disappointment and anxiety can you squeeze into seven days. Last Friday the m/c and “minor surgery,” then no work, then awkward dinner with a client and a couple senior co-workers at which I almost fainted and end up not being able to eat much of my gourmet meal. Plus I had to excuse myself to the bathroom twice in one hour. One time for an extended stay during which I had my head between my legs trying not to pass out and panicked, wondering if I'd snap out of it. And the whole thing about the partner not inviting anyone but me was bizarre and stressful and made me ask an associate to come and thus put the associate in an awkward uncomfortable, unbillable position. Then today our salaries get frozen.

Also I called my dr this week re: resuming sex and ttc. They said wait 2 weeks before sex, 2 cycles before ttc. My Ass. I’m not waiting two cycles. I probably won’t use b/c on the first cycle. Though I think I can refrain from actively trying until after my first period. I’m already charting again. My temps are about 1 deg higher than the were pre d&c but that may be because my waking time is one hour later. Or it may be because I had minor surgery or because my hormones are in turmoil or another billion reasons why. I’m so sad not to be pregnant. I don’t cry anymore but I’m kind of mad at the world and yesterday my co worker said I seemed morose – she thought it was because I didn’t have work but I was perusing her baby book at the time (she just came back yesterday from maternity). I know it’s cliché but I want a baby SO bad!

I’m afraid to tell DH about the salary freezes and the layoffs even though it would make good conversation because I’m afraid he’ll decide we shouldn’t have a baby right now and he won’t be interested in trying. Fortunately his job is going well, he’s really in demand right now. I just don’t need another disappointment in my life. Even the wedding is kind of a let down. I can’t get excited about it – or the showers this weekend – because I thought I would be going through it all with the knowledge that my baby was alive and safe and that the whole world was about to find out about it. And that would’ve been ok.

Instead I’m frustrated, tired of waiting, sad about the setback, and spending tons of money on the wedding that I won’t even enjoy because it can’t be everything I had imagined at this point. I had imagined our baby would be there too. And that the aftermath (telling everyone) would be even more exciting than the day itself. Now it all seems pretty superficial. I’ve even noticed a depressed effect on my shopping. It could be subconsciously I’m responding to the economy or that I really don’t need any more stuff, but I think it has a lot to do with the fact that once you have a baby growing inside you, nothing else seems quite as important. I just pray I’ll be able to have a baby survive – and now I know how miraculous and wonderful that would feel. And I won’t take it for granted. So that’s good, but it makes me so sensitive and judgmental about people who raise the topic at inopportune times or make light of it or complain, and I would hate to turn into one of those people reminding everyone else of how lucky they are. I just want to be there.

My symptoms have been abating, also sad. My breasts don’t hurt as much, I don’t feel as sick, I don’t have all the food aversions and cravings that I used to, I don’t need as much sleep, my belly is getting softer. But my Hcg levels were pretty high for an early m/c – 52,000 – so it may take forever to return to my normal cycle. But I feel glad I’m charting so I’ll know and so if I do get pg right away I’ll be able to date it. There doesn’t seem to be any real evidence that trying right away raises your chance of m/c. It seems like if your body is healed and ready it will conceive and if not, it won’t. I think the only way I’ll make DH wear a condom is if my HPTs are still positive by the time we’re allowed to resume intercourse again next Friday. I don’t want HPTs to be come meaningless. That would be difficult. But then again, I have the charting. Thank god – something to make me feel in control of something. Everything else is a cluster F.

Here’s something interesting saying "why wait:"
Author(s): Wyss P ; Biedermann K ; Huch AAffiliation: Clinicand Policlinic of Obstetrics, University Hospital of Zurich,Switzerland.Title: Relevance of the miscarriage-newpregnancy interval.Source: Journal of perinatal medicine. (JPerinat Med) 1994; 22(3): 235-41Additional Info: GERMANYStandard No: ISSN: 0300-5577(Print); NLM Unique Journal Identifier: 0361031Language: EnglishAbstract: There is a wide divergence of opinionconcerning the interval a woman should wait after a miscarriage beforeattempting a new pregnancy ("pregnancy interval"). Many authorsrecommend waiting 3-4 months in order to reduce the risk of anothermiscarriage [3, 6, 17, 21]. This retrospective study investigatedwhether a longer pregnancy interval lowers the risk of repeatmiscarriage (R-risk) and/or prematurity. The association between parityand R-risk was also analyzed. Results showed that there are no provenreasons to recommend a waiting period between a miscarriage and asubsequent pregnancy, because the R-risk was around 20% irrespective ofinterval duration. Prematurity too is not influenced by a waitingperiod after miscarriage. There was, however, an association betweenparity and R-risk and risk of prematurity: nulliparae were more likelyto have a repeat miscarriage (p < class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_42">thenext pregnancy (p < class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_43">achild.

There is no baby 1.3.09

Little did I know, it was the first scan that I should have been worried about. I was so convinced everything was fine. ALL the symptoms were there – breast soreness, food cravings/aversions, nausea, I was 11 weeks along without any spotting or cramping, my uterus was growing, I really didn’t expect a bad result in my heart of hearts. And neither did my doctor. Who is awesome, btw. She was talking to me about symptoms to expect in the next trimester and how she was going to print out photos of the little one to show DH, who couldn't be there, and the next minute we were looking at a dark ultrasound screen. There was a yolk sac (the drs said it was enlarged and thus, abnormal) and an embryo that looked like it had stopped growing at about 5 weeks – it was a dot, we could barely see it. There was no heartbeat and no way the pregnancy was viable. In just a fraction of a second, my dreams were crushed. It wasn’t as trite as that, I was on a high high provoked by finally getting to see the big day and the ultrasound and being convinced that all the symptoms I’ve been suffering from for so long are good signs, the dr. telling me as soon as we see the heartbeat we’ll be 95% in the clear for the rest of the pregnancy. She really didn’t qualify her words at all. I had showered and shaved and lotioned for the appointment. And then we were looking at the ultrasound and there was no fetus. Not knowing exactly what I was looking for at this stage, I kept hoping it was hiding or that there were other places she could look. But as she kept looking, and when she brought in a second dr. (routine second opinion) who was a little more direct, it became clear to me that it would be obvious if things were ok. The dr. was very sweet. When we found out she put her arm around me and gave me lots of time to make up my mind about what to do. At the same time she offered to do a D&C the same day so I could move on with my life. She gave me time to think about that too. I still felt rushed in a lot of ways though. Rushed to get my head around the nightmare that had just happened. I felt so resistant as I was looking into that screen. Like I could prevent the worst by hoping hard enough or being defiant or by waking up. I was supposed to be walking out w/ renewed hope and the most amazing little pictures that had ever been taken of me and instead I was crying to DH on the phone, telling him there is no baby, crying in the lobby trying to decide whether to do d&c with or without general anesthetic.
I decided on local for two reasons – 1) so my dr. could perform it in her office, the same office my exam had been in, she made me feel SO comfortable, and 2) because I hate the idea of being put to sleep. It was such a simple procedure – the injections of local were unbelievably painful but I think I would do it the same way again if I had to. And I may have to. I took a valium before hand and then could get up and leave pretty much as soon as it was done. The only ramifications today are soreness in my inner thighs (weird) and having to take an arsenal of medications – antibiotics and uterine collapsers and anti bleeding meds.
The dr. didn’t seem interested in my mom’s several m/c’s until after we saw the ultrasound. I’m not sure if she was grasping for reasons (probably for my sake if she was) or if this was now a genuine concern. I don’t know if I feel comfortable asking my mom for details. Especially since it’s not supposed to be genetic. It's supposed to be the luck of the draw. Though of course there are confounding genetic factors that can make m/c more likely. So now of course I’m scared of those.
And I’m angry. Angry that it’s not as easy for me as it is for my friends. Angry that I have no answers, just ‘better luck next time.’ Angry that the office made me wait so damn long to find out that my pregnancy had stopped one week after I found out about it. I went through the entire holiday season not only not drinking, but trying to hide the fact that I was sick too. It was miserable. I’ve probably raised suspicion at work, I’ve lost hours to morning sickness, and it wasn’t worth it in the end.
I am really glad I didn’t tell many people. REALLY glad. I wanted to tell my parents at certain points, and I also wanted to buy maternity clothes and open my books, but something told me – just wait. Wait to throw out all the facial products w/ salicylic acid, wait to buy the best belly butter, wait to look at where I should register. And you better believe I’ll be even more cautious next time.
I’m really upset I didn’t have an earlier appointment and hopefully next time, the dr’s will take this concern seriously.