To tell or not to tell? (warning: another pity party ahead)

So as I've blogged before, I have these friends at work who are ALL new moms. No joke, every single one of them. There are four (and two of the guys are new dads - this all happened in the last 9 months). We went out last night to meet up with the new mom who's on maternity leave and for the first time, but likely not the last, I felt distinctly uncomfortable and resentful with two people that I normally really love to be around. These two I have trusted with my story, they are the only ones at work who know. The inside jokes and banter and wine that I couldn't drink and feeding each other's giddiness was all a bit much because it was all baby related, or more specifically, related to breast-feeding, the joys of maternity leave, and the daycare vs. nannies debate. Then there were the pats on my arm and the sympathetic looks, one of them (the 27 year old) even declared, tipsily "Astrid, WHEN you get pregnant, and you WILL get pregnant. You WILL. No, you WILL," I just looked at her kind of blankly throughout this speech, I didn't protest, I hadn't been fishing for reassurance, I also didn't express any signs of agreement, I think I might have raised my eyebrows a little, like "are you kidding me right now with this?" Maybe I will get pg someday, maybe I won't. How the hell does she know? Like I'm supposed to thank god that she's blessed me with the information that I too can be like her some day. Incidentally, she's the one who told me everything would be fine at my first u/s, so her track record is at least questionable. She continued to impart her drunken wisdom like she was doing me a momentus you'll-thank-me-someday favor: "DON'T look on the internet for advice about what to do with a newborn, I SWEAR, one place tells you you're a terrible mother if you don't have them on a schedule by 6 weeks, another says forget the schedule or your kid will grow up to be OCD, blah blah blah." And then the other new mother chimes in, equally drunkedly: "Oh totally. Blah blah blah blah blah. Not to tell you what you should do, but here's what you should do....ha ha ha ha ha" It was so weird, the feelings I had. I was disappointed and annoyed but simultaneously, I knew that if I was a new mother too, or if I was still pg, or if I was able to have a few drinks with the girls while my kid was safe at home with my MIL or DH, I would have been on cloud 9 about being part of this conversation. It was fun for them and often hilarious. But I would have been just as comfortable if someone had actually taken happiness and dangled it on a string in front of my face just out of reach and yelled in my ear - "not only don't you have this, but you can't have this for a long long time. At least." I know I need to not think of having a kid as the only way I'll ever find happiness. And really, I don't - it was just happiness in that moment that I was so painfully aware of not having after a particularly painful day of hearing that my beta is still 15.

I went home and told DH about the bad news yesterday. The second dose of MTX hasn't had any effect. I was bawling. He said I need to tell my parents. No effing way. We're going to see them for mother's day and I am SO craving the break from it all. Lately I have not wanted to talk about it with anyone and have relished conversations without the cast of this whole mess. And this is something that's difficult to explain accurately and without causing alarm, probably because I don't really have a diagnosis. It certainly sounds alarming. I can just see my parents' faces when I utter the words: "so they want me to have a few more rounds of chemo to see if that works...so far it hasn't", but maybe it's not alarming. And maybe it's even more dire than I think. I just don't know. And we're not one of those families who shares everything. And my mom is pretty outspoken in her thinly veiled disdain for people who announce their pregnancies before they're past the first tri - probably because she herself has had a m/c. The bottom line is that I wouldn't wish this apprehension and anxiety on anyone, least of all my parents. I just don't feel that this has reached the point that I need to tell them.

On the other hand. Telling them would not be without its rewards for me. If my mom knows something about m/c's, she might have an idea of what I'm up against. After all, I do have a lot of her genes. But I somehow think she would have warned me by now if there was something genetic I would have to deal with before I could produce offspring. Or she might be able to comfort me by saying hers was only one an it was a fluke. AND it would have the added benefit of having DH commit to my parents to someday make babies. How could he have effectively created a child, told my parents about it, and then go back into denial about wanting kids? He would be "out" so to speak. Finally, I wouldn't have to hear any more from my parents about when are we going to have a kid.

This whole discussion is all very selfish, except for the point about not wanting to burden my parents with this on the chance that it resolves itself soon. I really don't want that. And I can handle a few comments about when are we having kids. Those could easily be ended by saying - we're thinking maybe in a few years. So if I'm deciding what's best for me, I think it's to enjoy the weekend without having to relive all the details with them and without having to field the grief that I have imparted. I can handle a little grandparental pressure, it actually comforts me. Like if they assume I will be able to have their grandkids, then it must be true.