"HCG Results Day" or "1 step forward and 2 steps back"

UPDATED BELOW x3

Results: Less than 2. Actually the automaton nurse said "Less than zero" but we all know that's not right. Lies, lies, lies is all I get from that office.

The step forward is that I've graduated to monthly testing! No more weekly stab-fests. With any luck, my veins might regenerate a bit. Yesterday they had to put a warming pad on my arm to get anything out. And there was only one unimpeded vein available so we weren't taking no for an answer. This is good because as arbitrary as my doctors are, if - in all their anal wisdom - they're not worried about waiting a month to test, neither am I.

The two steps back is that she said "Now test once a month for SIX MORE MONTHS!" Friends, this is the second time the story has been changed. And frankly I've had enough. I had had enough about a month ago when the story was first changed. So that would make what I have had now more than enough.

As I've mentioned, I have an appointment to talk to Dr. GO in 10 days. I feel like I'm approaching a negotiation. Like my lawyering skills might come in handy in persuading a doctor to let me do something other than what they've suggested. But I also am convinced that the plan Dr. OBG is following is completely arbitrary and probably unnecessary and that Dr. GO knows that he will have to acknowledge that if he wants to retain any semblance of credibility. And while he may be hesitant to disagree w/ Dr. OBG, I'm not going to ask him to do that. This meeting is not about her. In fact, I've decided to not even bring her up. If he wants to bring her up, fine, I'll deal with it then. But this is a meeting about me and my life. I'm going to go in there and ask to talk about how long I need to wait before we can safely TTC again. As if no plan had ever been suggested. As if we were starting from scratch. If he brings up old sh!t, then I will try to calmly and deferentially explain that the plan has been changed a couple times and that I just want to understand exactly what the recommendation is. And I want to understand the statistics and science behind it. I'm taking time off work, cancelled my second opinion appointment, and am going ALL the way in there so I plan to get out of it what I damn well need out of it! Thankyouverymuch.

UPDATE: So instead of sitting here stewing in my frustration ALL DAY LONG, I decided to call Dr. OBG back and leave a question for her: Can we count the six months from my last MTX injection? I've seen journal articles that substantiate this, and while she may have no interest in my internet research, if she asks where I'm getting this idea from I can say "I might ask you the same question," and then launch into all the inconsistencies in her prescribed waiting period. I don't think my suggestion sounds unreasonable.

The best case scenario is that she at least thinks about it seriously enough to call Dr. GO and see what he thinks. If they "ok" the plan I can cancel my appointment with Dr. GO (huge relief).

Worst case is that she says no and that would be pretty bad because then when I go talk to Dr. GO about it, I will be officially going behind Dr. OBG's back. In fact, I might still have to cancel Dr.GO's appointment since if she does talk to Dr. GO, then I'll have re-conditioned him to agree with her just before the appointment. He surely won't be happy to see me in that case. But even in the worst case scenario, she may feel compelled to explain why she's asking me to do the wait that she's prescribed. Which is all I really wanted in the first place.

I think asking is worth the risk. I'm not being totally reckless, hopefully she respects that. And the payoff is huge. I could get excited about waiting until November and about skipping the trip to Dr. GO's office.

I feel a little like I'm bidding for a house or something. She says 7.5 months. I come back with 4.5. Maybe we'll meet in the middle. Or maybe I'll get the smack down again and just continue feeling miserable about how awful my doctors are.

UPDATE II: The automaton nurse called back. No counting back she said, "the six months are subsequent to the weekly quant." "What textbook are you reading that out of?" I wanted to ask, "cause mine is different."

No explanation of why my idea isn't a good one, no suggestion that we could re-visit the issue after more tests and regular cycles. She didn't say anything like, 'go ahead but here are the risks.' She wouldn't call me back herself. She didn't ask Dr. GO, I'm pretty sure of that. Otherwise she would've mentioned that she had talked to him and it would have taken her much longer to get back to me.

I can barely breathe I am so upset. I am still going to the appointment with Dr. GO on the 10th. He wasn't consulted so I still need to hear for myself what he has to say about all of this.

UPDATE III: So I can't concentrate on work because I'm upset. And angry. So I called back with a new message. WHY? Why does the six month period start now and not when HCG hit the zero range? Simple enough, right? The receptionist asked if I had already called with that message. I said my prior message was related but that I hadn't gotten the whole answer so I was calling back. Am I crazy? Or am I just finally being appropriately assertive?

Unfortunately I was informed that Dr. OBG won't be in again until Monday. I can wait. I'm getting good at it.

My love hate relationship with F@cebook

Friends, why why do we stay on FB? We hate the u/s pictures, the complaints about how tired or impatient or needy or nauseous one is when one is pregnant, daily updates about symptoms and kids. The pictures. Oh god, the pictures. Sometimes it feels like a dull kitchen knife right to the gut, doesn't it?

But I love the cultivation of friendships that might otherwise fall by the wayside. I love keeping up with far away relatives and friends and being able to see their lives through a convenient little portal and keep track of what everyone is up to.

But it certainly separates the sensitive from the insensitive, doesn't it? Which brings me to, why the EFF hasn't FB come up with an option that allows you to hide certain people permanently without them finding out about it? Like a "secret unfriend" that the unfriended wouldn't find out about. If there is such a thing and I'm just unaware of it, do end my misery and let me know. Please.

Case in point: I posted pictures of my fence today, specifically the portions of the fence in our backyard that I've adorned with chicken wire in order to keep our escapist border collie in the yard. A few of my friends wanted to see how crap-tastic it looked because I keep complaining on FB about how very much chicken wire I've had to install to keep my furbabies safe. So I posted the pictures and named the album "Our House." Not because there are any picutres of the house in the album yet (there are none, it's just the fence) but because I imagine this will be the album I post any future home-improvement or home related pictures too. And the very first comment was from my Aunt accross the country and it says: "Now it's time to fill it with babies!!"

Bitch.

F-off. I felt instantly like I had to puke when I read it. It stung, physically. I want SO badly to delete it. But she is family. Would the offense be worth it? On the other hand, why am I worried what she thinks, she was the insensitive ass in the situation...

...

Ok, I deleted it. Come what may. I just couldn't stand looking at it anymore. The album wasn't for her anyway, it was for my friends giving me a hard time about the chicken wire and following our saga with the dogs. Did she even look at the pictures? Did she realize there were NO pictures of the house? Clearly not. And for all she knows we don't want kids. Or can't have them. Or lost a baby this year...oh wait, we DID lose a baby this year. I am almost 30, and have been married for almost a year. Doesn't she think there might be a chance we've already started trying? Why on earth would she be so stupid? Maybe the deletion will send a hint. Then again, this deletion could make my life even more miserable I'm starting to think.... If she deduces that her comment was totally inappropriate and guesses why I hope she's not a gossip about it. I can just see her calling my mom, "Astrid deleted my comment about babies, do you know if there's something wrong?" Ugh that would be the worst. Maybe I shouldn't have deleted it. No, I'm glad I did. Whatever.

Back to my point. I hate FB. Sometimes But so far not enough or often enough to break up with it. And as much as I hate comments like today's, and hate to see the ignorant, blissful posts about perfect pregnancies bestowed upon the undeserving and unappreciative, I do like the litmus test quality of FB. I like that now I know what these people are really made of. I have always been the kind of person that likes to have as much information as possible, even if it's not what I want to hear. And I think FB provides that service with respect to those I most care about. Or think that I do. While it often disappoints, and sometimes hurts, it arms me with knowledge, gives me the bigger picture. And I think for that reason, I will stay with it a little longer.

Today is my due date

July 28, 2009. I am not having a baby. I'm not expecting a baby. In fact I'm just about as far away as possible from even getting pregnant, forbidden to even try for the better part of a year.

In September my parents are going on a vacation that DH and I were supposed to join them on. With the new baby. It was to be a family bonding experience like no other we've ever had. Healthy active grandparents with their very first grandchild. DH and I away from work, unencumbered but for the miracle that was to be our first child. I'd be on a four-month leave, soaking up some much needed sun and ocean breeze, marveling at the pure innocent perfection I held in my arms. Everyone happy. Everyone content and proud and humbled all at once. I would know now how very much appreciation I could have for my own parents. They would be just giddy with excitement about their new roles, making plans to retire and maybe move closer to be near the little one. Having conversations with us about subjects we've never breached before. We would be closer. There would be, hard as this is to believe, more love in our family.

I would have been sending out announcements soon, wearing out the battery on our new camera. We'd have plenty of visitors and well-wishes. We'd be "in the club." Finally. And would be sharing war stories about the early stages parenthood with our friends, most of whom have begun that journey already. I'd be thinking about getting out of maternity wear and what I was going to do to get back into my 'old' sizes. I have a pair of work shoes I was ready to sacrifice to the pregnancy swollen-feet gods. They're nice enough for the office but stretchy and I've had 'em for a long time. They're starting to show wear & tear so last fall I decided they'd be my pregnancy shoes. They'd be all stretched out by now and I'd probably be thinking about retiring them but instead, I happen to be wearing them today. Still waiting for when they'll be my pregnancy shoes.

I am broken. But not irreparably. And just like when you "break" a horse or a dog, being broken seems sad and hurtful, but oddly protective. A necessary evil. Like it's for my own good. It had to be. And I will be different for it, but the possibility of a fulfilling, meaningful life is still there. Just like the well-trained horse I will simply travel through the remaining years I have a little more "in-check." I won't let my wildest dreams run away with me because I know the misery of reality. I have been taught not to think I deserve the world. Not to assume that it is my birthright to be free and innocent. What a silly girl I used to be. I have been shown and become accustomed to a darker side of life. I know better what difficulty is. What sadness and disappointment and guilt and regret and anger are. What they really are. What it really means to feel hurt. To feel lost and scared.

And with all this still, I am lucky. I don't know what it feels like to be alone. I have a wonderful family and a husband that has been brought closer to me through this experience. One that is on this journey with me and while he doesn't feel the loss the way I do, we can never know exactly how another perceives pain and disappointment. I don't need him to feel exactly what I feel. I just need him.

And I still have my health. People can die from what my doctors think I might have had. I am 29. I am healthy. I am having regular cycles. There is no reason to think we won't conceive again. I am lucky.

Today was the last bastion for getting pregnant again. "Surely I will be pregnant again by my due date," I thought. Foolishly. "That will numb the sting of a miscarriage." The sting has become a wound. A deep one, and will leave a scar. At the time of the m/c, the worst had just begun. And even now, I wonder if I am still at the edge of the tip of the iceberg. How bad will it get? I can only wait. And wait. To find out. And if by some miracle things go better next time around, I will still be forever changed by this year. This pregnancy. This miscarriage. This fateful injustice. In some ways that, while painful, all of this will help me to cope in the future with whatever happens. I've already noticed that I have become desensitized. I have felt the innocence and naivete wash clear from my heart and leave a numb empty spot where there used to be pain. Was I required to lose a baby to learn these lessons, to feel this way? Could I have learned them in a less traumatic way? Maybe not. And maybe if it wasn't this, it would be something equally as difficult. Isn't that the way we "grow up?" Isn't there typically one pivotal incident that changes us forever? And then all the later incidents aren't "the incident," simply because they came later in time, not because they were lesser insults. Maybe it's not the nature of the insult but the timing. After one or two, we become desensitized and move through the rest with more grace, discretion, acceptance, and faith.

But I am lucky. DH left today for a month and before he did, he said he was getting excited about parenthood. Excited to see the way we would evolve. Those of you who follow my blog know what a HUGE milestone this is and it made me feel so amazing. And at the same time, so much more disappointed that we can't make it happen now. So much more anxious about all the time left in The Wait and all that can happen in five months. But maybe now that we are ready, it will happen. By some cosmic miracle, maybe that's how things were supposed to go. At the very least, we'll be ready this time, and that is enough. Ready for success. And we'll move forward with positive feelings instead of trepidation. And we'll move forward as one unit, instead of me pulling DH along and him feeling pushed and forever like this wasn't what he wanted. These are all good things. And I am trying, in this difficult time, to keep that in perspective.

Kreativ Blogger Award

I was tagged by the lovely Stefanie at Through the Eyes of a Stranger for the Kreativ Blogger Award!




Thanks Stefanie! I love these opportunities to learn about other bloggers and share more about my life outside of my daily IF struggles and frustrations. This award is particularly cool because it forces me to be positive. Something that I completely forget to be most days.


The rules of accepting this award are simple: list seven things you love, and pass the award to seven bloggers you love.


1. My dogs. I love them more than I ever thought I could love anything. I love them as I imagine I would love a child (though I'm sure I would be surprised even more at how much I could love a child). They are just dogs. Very average, even wild cards since we adopted them both from the shelter - so we weren't sure what we were getting into and only had an hour or so to 'bond' with them before bringing them home. The second one especially was difficult to love instantly 'cause she's been a lot of trouble. But I can honestly say now that they have both utterly and completely stolen my heart. I feel so lucky to be able to have them. They cause all kinds of chaos in our lives and they're tons of work and cause a lot of worry but I love all that too. A friend of mine (and new mother x2)said that's a sign of that biological clock ticking. You think?


2. DH. Of course I love DH. He is the most selfless, generous, adoring, and adorable person I have ever known. It took me about three days of knowing him to fall in love with him. It took him three years of knowing me. But I hung on through it all to the blind faith that I could love him more than anyone could and that we were made for each other. And turns out, I was right.


3. My body. I mean this in the least conceited way possible. Maybe I should have said "my health." I'm not particularly pretty, I don't look slammin' in a bikini. I don't have the best hair or eyes or skin or nails or anything really. I'm very average. It's just that it took me a long long time to accept my body, to respect it - I never thought I would love it. But I do. It works for me. And in loving it, I refuse to take any part of it for granted. All my limbs work, my metabolism is good, my liver is forgiving, my heart works, even my poor uterus, which has been through a lot, seems to be hanging in there. I feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time ever in my life. And even if my body never bears a child, I have to say, I am pretty damn lucky.


4. TV. It's my escape. My happy place. The place where everything is fun and beautiful - or at least not boring. It's where my emotions go to play and I love that there is such a place. A place that you can look into and feel for and laugh about and think about and bond over without investing too much real emotional currency. It is a time investment, and I understand that at times there are opportunity costs, but to me it's all well worth it.


5. Rain. Don't get me wrong. Summer is fun. I love the bbq's, the warm sun, not having to wear so many damn layers, having light outside far into the evening...but there is nothing like rain. Rain has always been a powerful thing for me. It represents so many things that are good, like renewal and cleansing and growth and nature. And it reminds me that I am not in control of everything that touches my life. There are forces far more powerful and meaningful than me in the world and that is, strangely perhaps, a comfort. I am humbled by rain. And comforted. It's not a religious thing, it's just matter-of-fact. And sometimes it's just the thought that - as long as it's raining out I feel justified in being cooped up in my office, or saying "I'm just going to sit in here and enjoy my fire and hot chocolate," or "I'm going to go outside and feel it on my skin and smell the way it makes the earth smell and try to live in the moment (ps there is nothing like rain to facilitate the practice of living in the moment)." It is so pure. And simple. And something that somehow impresses me with its force without being intimidating. Which is probably because I don't live in the midwest or hurricane country.


6. Wine. I'm not a connoisseur but I'm also not above being grossed out if it's really bad cheap crap. I'm somewhere in the middle with respect to my understanding of wine's intricacies. But I LOVE wine with the most hoity-toity (sp?) of them. It's the perfect drink. It goes with savory or sweet or nothing at all and it contains alcohol without packing as many calories as beer or as many toxins as liquor. It's socially acceptable and festive and plentiful. There's nothing I don't like about wine. Except for some reds. I'm definitely a white-wine gal. And I prefer bubbles.


7. Exercise. I don't know if this one is true. It might be. I certainly feel better when I exercise. And I get really sad if I don't get a work out in. But I don't know if the sadness is from guilt or from missing something I love. I know I should love exercise. I've known that since I was young. So maybe I've just conditioned (or brainwashed) myself into thinking I love it. Or maybe it's endorphins so it's more addiction than love. Or maybe it's just the guilt thing. I guess there's a chance I do love it. I enjoy it at the very least. Sometimes. And I certainly love my health (see #3). So I guess even if I don't really love it, in the interest of continuing my good habit of deceiving myself into thinking I do, I'm adding it to the list.

Seven blogs I love (in no particular order):

1. ~Baby Manatee~ for Gina's incurable optimism - so happy for her new bean!!

2. Conceive This! - because who doesn't love Murgdan?

3. Maybe Baby - Because she's an awesome writer and an awesome woman and for the grace that she's showing in this turbulent time.

4. Misconceptions About Conception - for S's honesty and reasoned analysis that allows her to connect with her readers. And because we lawyers need to watch out for each other! And because she's good to her dogs.

5. Twists of Fate - because Alyssa is beautiful and funny and I learned through this month's ICLW that we happen to have a lot in common.

6. Little Bluebirds Fly - because Bluebird has a way with words, she's a gifted blogger and one of the strongest people I know of.

7. a little pregnant - again, who wouldn't love this blog? Comic relief and ingenious insights at their best.

"HCG Results Day" or "Could that snail move any slower?"

Results: still less than two. Awesome.



Instructions: test again in one week. HELL NO. This has gone on long enough. So I protested this time. I told automaton nurse lady that I had a question for Dr. OBG: Why are we still testing weekly if, almost TEN weeks ago now, Dr. OBG said we would test weekly for four more weeks and then go monthly? The answer was that Dr. OBG changed the plan. Simple as that. No explanation, no call back from Dr. OBG. Not even an acknowledgement that the plan had changed. I. am. done. with. her.

Friends, this weekly testing thing isn't just annoying anymore, it's actually getting difficult for the lab to draw my blood. My veins can't take this weekly shit anymore. Even perfect shot guy had to jab me twice yesterday. He actually said "I can feel the needle snagging on the scar tissue." This was his grotesque explanation of why no blood was coming out of what was formerly my best vein.

Enough, I say. This is getting ridiculous. So I've decided to make an appointment with Dr. GO. To discuss dates and facts and come up with a plan I can live with. None of this "changing our minds" crap. I am worried that he'll be predisposed to agree with and defend Dr. OBG and I know that that is a very good reason to get a second opinion outside the group, but I also feel like we are so knee deep in this quagmire that jumping ship right now would be more trouble than its worth. Plus, I trust Dr. GO (as opposed to Dr. OBG who I emphatically do NOT trust). So if I can get him to understand my concerns, I think he will be straight with me. He's reasonable. I like him. I think I will feel better after I talk with him, whatever the outcome. Here are the questions I plan to ask (after I lead with the story about Dr. OBG arbitrarily changing her mind about how long to do weekly testing - just to develop the historical background for him, lest he's forgotten)



1. What is the science behind these numbers? Why 7.5 months from when my HCG levels hit zero? Why not 12 months from zero? Why not six months from the last MTX shot (my first choice, btw). I think I can leverage this question into a shorter wait.



2. What, exactly, are we worried about here. I mean I get that we're concerned about an uptick in HCG. But the most they ever went up by themselves is SIX lousy points. Are we worried that they'll go back up by six points on their own? Is that why I can't start trying again until over a year past my miscarriage?!? Does that seem extreme to you Dr. GO?

Dr. GO will inevitably defer to Dr. OBG. I'm expecting that and I'm prepared for it. I will say something like "well, she's told me that she's deferring to you. She's told me on several occasions that she doesn't have experience with this, she's never seen it before, and she's moved the target around without explanation. I made this appointment because I really want to hear your opinion as to what I should do. And why."

I am going in there armed with all my dates and values and conversations I've documented. I am bound and determined to make this a productive meeting because I think it is taking the place of my second opinion appointment. I just don't have the hours between now and the end of the billable year to be spending my days waiting in waiting rooms for oncologists to come out of surgery. I want the visit to be an investment. And if I can get one of my doctors to be on my side - meaning: to talk to me, to understand and address my concerns - it will have been worth it. And I want to clarify, by wanting a doctor "on my side" I don't mean that I'll only be satisfied if I get The Wait shortened. I really just want some honest answers. If it turns out that Dr. GO has a litany of anecdotal or statistical evidence that I really should wait another year, so be it. My goal is not to get a certain plan out of him (though I will of course be thrilled if its a shorter plan), my goal is to stop feeling so angry and mistrustful and alone in this process. My goal is to invest the time in making sure my doctor knows me and my case well enough to make an informed decision on my treatment. I'm almost a year from when we started TTC and I still don't have that. So this is me, trying harder. And when this is all over and I don't need an oncologist's supervision anymore, I plan to switch to a different OBG. Maybe even a different group, like Ka!ser.

Anyone had any experience with IF or OBG at Ka!ser?

Finally, I wanted to note that when I called Dr. GO's office to make the appointment the receptionist said "Oh hi, Astrid. Is this your three month follow-up?" Huh? "No," I said, "Dr. GO didn't ask me to come in. I just want to talk about my treatment plan. But I guess that's a fair way to classify it." She said that sounded good.

It made me feel better to know that follow-ups are the norm here. I just wonder why no one mentioned it before. Whatever.

UPDATE:

The day just keeps getting better by the moment. I have this FB acquaintance who has gotten into the habit of using the status updates to write how her pregnancy is going. Every time. EVERY UPDATE is pregnancy-related. It's like, her "thing." Sometimes it's a complaint which I find particularly offensive, sometimes it's cutsey, sometimes its u/s pics. There are weekly updates and milestones, etc. With no regard whatsoever to how this might come accross to someone who is having trouble. It's like the thought of 'having trouble' has never entered her mind. Like she thinks she's somehow earned the attention by getting pregnant (again). And if I were a betting person, I'd bet a LOT judging by the size of her friend pool and the age of her friends that I am NOT the only one having trouble.

Today, the most obnoxious of all. "18 weeks, time for in-vitro education! Bet you're all glad I'm working from home today!" Through comments to this post I come to find out that she's trying to teach her babies (oh she's having twins, did I mention that?) pattern recognition. By playing patterns of sounds. Really?

I otherwise quite like(d) this person but I'm starting to want to ask her: have you ever heard of infertility? Could you not be a little more sensitive and a little less ignorant? Could you please refrain from turning the home pages of all of your FB friends into a shrine to your pregnancy? It's not her first one, she's pregnant with twins after having two prior healthy pregnancies. One of her updates lamented that her youngest was turning two and finished "thank goodness there are two more on the way!" Blech. Not happy for her. Not one iota. She is not the person I thought she was and that's disappointing. This IF/loss journey certainly is one of those experiences that teaches you who your friends are and casts peoples' intelligence (or lack thereof) in a whole different light.

The second coming

Rejoyce, rejoyce, for AF has arrived again! CD2 today of my SECOND cycle this year!! Almost on schedule. One and a half days late...which I'll take 'cause I know m/c's can really eff with your cycles for months to come and sometimes forever.

I did a little happy dance in the bathroom stall at work when I realized what was going on. I guess a watched pot does boil sometimes. I don't know how on earth I'm going to make it through five more months of this. The day and a half that AF was late almost killed me. And I started to worry the stress over not getting AF might make her delayed even more and it became a vicious spiral of self-destructive thoughts.

I actually don't think I'll be able to hold out until January if things keep going this well. Next month will be easy because it will be off the table anyway. DH has a sabbatical and will be gone for most of August. And then it will be Septmember. I still have that dentist appointment (with x-rays and probably novacain) to get through in Sept. so I'll be able to resist TTC then too. But after that I don't know that I'll be able to hold out. I will hopefully have been through a number of cycles, I'll feel like I've given my body enough time to clean out and recharge and if my betas haven't budged by then, it will be really hard to not TTC again...although it will be the holidays by then and like I've mentioned, I love a nice glass of wine.

But for every healthy cycle that goes by now, with the thrill of feeling like I'm normal again and that my elusive clean slate is actually in sight, comes the slap-in-the-face feeling that I've wasted another month. All I can tell myself is that now is not the time. And for each cycle that goes by, it's still a game of chance. Maybe I'm not wasting good eggs, maybe my body is still flushing out the messed up ones after having been on birth control for all of its life. I know that's silly, mostly - that's not how it works. But my point is that all the stars are going to have to align in order to make a healthy baby. There is no way to be sure that the cycles between now and the end of the year would have been successful, if only we could have tried. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Maybe next month will be an unhealthy egg that would have caused another year of heartache and it's really some kind of cosmic gift to have been told to wait a few more months.

But I'm getting ahead of myself again - anything could happen between now and this fall. Anything.

I did hear from my insurance company. They're willing to cover a second opinion consult. So that's good news.

What a crap-tastic day

My due date buddy had her baby boy today, or maybe last night at some point. Not really sure - she might still be in labor I guess. All I really know is that she went into labor yesterday...so much so that she went to the Dr.'s office and no one's heard from her for a while so I'm guessing it wasn't a false alarm. Despite living 1000 miles away from her now, I knew the moment she went into labor because of her husband's posts on FB. Now I don't know if he's been born because I'm scared to even log onto FB today. Or ever again. Afraid to check my email.

This is the same friend who got pregnant on her FIRST cycle trying. And who told everyone on earth at 7 weeks (no u/s, just two lines - amazing what a pee stick can still mean to some people). I was six weeks at the time and couldn't wait to tell her - to share the journey together. Then, after all that's happened, she had the nerve to go into labor on her exact due date! We weren't all that close to begin with though and now just thinking about her causes so much bitterness to well up inside that I'd prefer just to not.

I thought the birth of this baby would be the worst for me. I thought now maybe the worst would be over. But I'm starting to realize that, until I have my own little one, every milestone for him will be just as bad as all the pictures, FB updates, and experiences (including the birth) up until now. When the kid gets dressed up for his first outing. When I see pictures of him with adoring grandparents and uncles and aunts. When I see the mom with her stroller, her nursery, her new life, the new father and son. All of it will be just as bad as finding out she was in labor. But finding out she was in labor wasn't so bad I guess. I'm doing quite fine considering. Have I had better days? Sure. But I can handle it. Just after this one more beer.


AF is late. She was due to arrive this morning according to my pre m/c cycles: 30 days, AF arrives first thing in the morning, no if's and's or but's. Ever. Until now... I'm tempted to call Dr. OBG back and ask her what the real HCG number was on Tuesday. I don't trust her, if that hasn't already been made perfectly clear. Maybe it was five and she said zero anyway so I wouldn't worry (I'm not being paranoid, this is her way). A higher HCG would explain AF being late. I don't want to find out in a month that my levels have really be creeping up slowly and are now in the twenties all of the sudden and she was just afraid to tell me. I really don't like Dr. OBG. My second opinion office still hasn't called back. Looks like I will need to place another call if I really want to go down that route. And the first call wasn't pleasant. No one knew what to do with my request - I kept getting passed from one person to another and had to try to explain my drawn out and confusing and detailed situation to all of them.


DH got this look of disappointment on his face when I told him about getting a second opinion. It was a pained expression. And I knew what it meant before he even explained his point of view. He's afraid I'm getting my hopes up. Afraid that I actually expect some doctor out there to know what they're doing. To know what's wrong with me and how to advise me. He thinks I shouldn't expect it because it's not out there. And I realize maybe no one can tell me more than my current doctors. But even if that's true, there's something to be said for 'clicking' with your doctor. Trusting them. Feeling better after you get off the phone with them instead of worse. Getting on the phone with them in the first place. And just those things might be worth the upheaval that switching doctors would entail.

In the News: Do I swear too much?

UPDATED: Should make more sense now.

This post has nothing to do with fertility. Or infertility.

A friend of mine sent me a link earlier today to a story involving someone with my surname. She was asking if I was related to the person.

I responded truthfully that I was related to the person. And then jokingly asked whether she had been googling my name again.

She responded by saying no and that if she had been googling me, this link would have been more appropriate.

Should I take offense?

And more importantly, dear readers, have I caused offense? should I cut down on the swearing?

Perhaps it's time that I do at least IRL if not here too. I love a good swear word in the precise right circumstances. But they're a total turn-off to me in all other situations. It's like being a good comic. You have it or you don't. And if you don't, you're better off not even trying. Maybe I don't have the gift of artfully placed f-bombs. But how does one know?

The article is interesting in any case. Anything that can improve my health, right? Especially if its something so fun!

HCG Results Day

Results: zero

Instructions: test again in one week.

Really? I was so hoping I would graduate to the once-a-month testing schedule today. I've been testing at least once a week since about April. My levels have been in the zero range for over a month. Less than two for one month.

Again it was Dr. OBG's automaton assistant giving me the news so I couldn't break through the protective force Dr. OBG has artfully constructed around herself against anyone who's actually interested in getting any information as to their treatment or prognosis.

There are two reasons I dislike HCG Results Day. One is that as soon as I get up in the morning I'm apprehensive about getting "the call." When is it going to come? Should I wait by the phone? Will I get to talk to Dr. OBG? And most importantly by far, what will the news be? I get really worried, every single time, that the news will be bad.

The second reason I dislike HCG Results Day is that 99% of the time, the call itself leaves me feeling angry, whether or not the news is good. I get angry at not hearing from Dr. OBG after I've registered some very reasonable questions with her staff and with Dr. GO's staff. I get angry that she continues down the road of this ridiculous testing schedule that has no logic behind it, given my unique situation. I get angry that whatever I'm told on the phone, whether it's the Dr. or her assistant, all I hear is a hyper defensive voice saying "you can't sue me, I've covered all my bases." And whatever they're actually saying to me is about as helpful as that.

I am glad I got tested though because now, if AF is late (which would be understandable, I don't think I should expect my cycles to be 'regular' immediately after the ordeal I've had ) I won't worry so much that my HCG has come back up. And now I'm even tempted to get another draw next week, as I was told to do, even though I know it's unnecessary because I really do want to get Dr. OBG's blessing to test only once a month. And the sooner I go in for my next test, the sooner I might get that blessing. Why her blessing is important to me, given my opinion of her, is beyond me. I think it's 'cause I don't have anyone else's opinion to go on - my second opinion Dr's office hasn't gotten back to me. Also, I know that she's being conservative which tells me that if I follow her advice, I should be fine at the very least, even if the process is a bit protracted.

I think there's also a part of me who will feel a little scared of only checking in once a month. Once a week seems ridiculously over-frequent for my situation...but once a month seems like an eternity. And one day, I know, I will not have to go in at all..... Weird to think about now. But after six months of this, I'm sure I'll be ready to leave it all behind.

By my calculations, my Dec. cycle will fall six months after my HCG hit zero. So right now, that's the date I'm targeting for TTC (although my ticker is counting down to a conservative January 1, 2010). I keep reading journal articles that recommend a six month wait so I don't know why I would wait 7.5 as Dr. OBG has suggested. Whether or not I'll get Dr. OBG's blessing on a December start, and whether I'll be brave enough to go for it without her blessing remains to be seen. It also remains to be seen whether my HCG will stay at zero between now and then so I think I'll focus on that for now. And be grateful.

To find a second opinion

Getting administrative things done in my life, you know, like taking the car in, going to the dentist, checking my credit card bills, often falls by the wayside and for me is a little like cleaning house. I put it off and put it off, but then I have a threshold beyond which I can't take any more buildup. I can't put it off any longer. So whatever I'm doing when the 'clutter' reaches that threshold, I just stop doing that, and turn my attention to the mess. I don't worry that I won't get it done, it's inevitable that I will. Because it's inevitable that the pile up will continue and I'll reach that point where I just have to deal with it. It's just a matter of when. And that when is the time when the angst over not dealing with it overcomes the bliss of not thinking about it. The only thing I ever really worry about is whether DH's threshold will be reached before mine. That he'll get all frustrated because I haven't taken care of things I should have. You see he doesn't have as much faith in my "threshold system" as I do. I WILL get to it. I assure you.

This has been one of those threshold weeks. On both the cleaning and administrative fronts. The house and the car! got cleaned this weekend and I feel SO much better about life. And that will last for at least a few days until the house and the car are both covered over again by a fine layer of dog hair, crumbs, dirty dishes, and dead summer bug carcasses.

But more importantly, on the administrative side, not only did I finally make that dentist appointment (and thank god since their "first available" wasn't until September!) but I also called a NEW gynecologic oncologist for a second opinion. There was another one in this state after all (part of my administrative accomplishments this weekend was scouring the internet for another group that has one). I am still trying to work out the details with my insurance, and I don't have a name yet, but I've spoken to the Gyn/Onc nurse and he's trying to set me up, and really 80% of the game is getting off the couch and just doing it, right? So I've done it. I am much more motivated to get a second opinion (and potentially new doctors) than I thought I was, now that I've actually taken the first step. I'm a little apprehensive - what if my current doctors find out and get even more enraged than they already are? Then they might really make me wait!! Just kidding, I don't really care if they find out. I feel PERFECTLY justified in getting a second opinion. In fact, it makes me feel like I'm being smart - they should completely understand and sympathize. Especially since I can't get a strait answer from either Dr. OBG or Dr. GO - they know what they don't know, so to speak. So they shouldn't feel like this decision of mine is anything but perfectly rational.

I wasn't sure how to describe my situation to the new office. I said I was interested in getting a second opinion as to the treatment my doctors had prescribed.....It's not exactly treatment if the directions are to do nothing, right? But on the other hand, it was the only way I could simplify a very complicated situation in a way that got my point accross. I guess it sounds a little more urgent than it actually is - I'm not being hooked up to an IV this afternoon and trying to decide whether it's really necessary or anything. But, on the other hand, I've been given enough conflicting opinions and enough arbitrary directions and enough MTX treatments that I deserve to know, yesterday, what I really should be doing. The lingering doubt I am wrestling with is the likelihood that I may not feel any more comfortable having contacted a new set of doctors than I do with my own. They also may not know what's wrong with me, my current Dr. GO is known as the best in all the land. The new dr's may prescribe the same thing because it does sound 'reasonable,' even I can admit. And then I'll be left with just the same frustrations and, on top of that, a sense of having betrayed my doctors. But like I said, the betrayal thing doesn't really bother me.

In other news, today is cycle day 28. I am eagerly awaiting the second coming of AF. But she is nowhere to be found as yet. My cycles pre-pregnancy were a pretty reliable 30 days so I'm not freaking out yet. But as the days go on and she doesn't show, the worry will be that the HCG has gone back up.

I was going to be a rebel today - HCG testing day - and not get tested until next week. But maybe for my own reassurance I will get the draw.

DH comes around

DH didn't think he was quite ready to become a dad last fall when we got our BFP. I have no doubt that he was ready, but he was unconvinced. This petrified me. I was so thankful to be pregnant because that meant DH's opinion on the matter was neither here nor there. He was locked in for the ride and I was sure he'd come around once he saw the baby squirming around in my tummy for the first time.

He was largely unaffected by the news of the miscarriage. Only worried about me and my grief. It was early and it's likely that I mistook his attempt to be strong for me as apathy, but nonetheless, I was affected by the fact that he didn't really experience a loss. Not the way I did. And more than once he alluded quite overtly that he hadn't been ready anyway and (brace yourselves) wasn't even sure he wanted kids. More than once I was reduced to tears over it. I took him SO seriously and felt so wounded. And wondered how on earth he could think he still had the liberty to make such a statement, having already knocked me up once. "It's too late," I wanted to say. We would have a kid by now, you can't go back, even though we lost it. You already made up your mind. We're having babies! PRONTO.

Part of my angst over The Wait used to be - what if DH really doesn't think he wants kids? Will it come out over the next several months? Or will I be able to keep it swept neatly under the rug until we can try again? Will he say it? Out loud? Will we even be able to try again after waiting and waiting and after all the misery and labs and dr. appointments I have been through? Will it all be for nothing because he has lingering doubts and decides to voice them?

This is a terrible thought and I'm not proud of it. Wanting to squelch any of his lingering doubts on the strength of my want, my need, alone. Shouldn't a healthy marriage entail respect for both partners' points of view? Shouldn't I be cognizant of the possibility that he really doesn't want kids? Shouldn't I be more concerned about a meeting of the minds than of my own biological clock? Maybe. But I've always been convinced that he has no idea what he's talking about when it comes to wanting kids. Of course he wants them. He may not know it, but once they arrive he won't understand why we waited so long. I am still convinced. But whether accurate or totally misguided, my convictions don't amount to a hill of beans unless he sees it too.

"Oh that's a guy thing, totally normal." "Typical response, he'll love kids." Friends would say these things. Close friends I confide this kind of concern in. And while they may be right, this too won't change his mind. He has to feel it himself. He has to know that he won't ever be 100% ready, and that that's ok.

And lately, dear readers, I am happy to report that I have witnessed a change of heart. I was right. He does want kids. I had a gut feeling. And my gut feelings are rarely wrong. But my particular DH requires a lot of patience. Note, for example, that I waited three years after meeting him for him to come around to the idea of even dating seriously. And another SIX before we got engaged. So it only makes sense that it would take a little while. I'm actually surprised (albeit relieved) that his pro-kid attitude has surfaced so quickly. Just six months after our wedding.

I had gotten into the habit of fishing for confirmation from him. Making sad faces whenever the subject of pregnancy or kids came up, just to hear him say: "we'll have our kids too honey, it's just going to take a little while....just have patience." And he's been saying it with more and more conviction such that lately, I don't even feel the need to fish.

I used to wish he would say something about how we wanted kids in front of my parents or in front of his relatives or good friends. Just so he'd be accountable. And lately, he's been saying it. Right out loud, "If we have kids...well, that's rather a when - when we have kids..."

And I used to be afraid of hanging around our friends' kids. Afraid he'd realize the harsh realities of parenthood and shy away even farther. But he's been exposed to more and more kids as our friends leave us in the dust and he's grown more and more approving, and even yearning, of the situation.

And yesterday, the icing. He came home after a week away and an evening with one of our friends' babies and said "I think I'm ready to be a dad." I almost cried again. (I cry a LOT lately.) And I couldn't help but dwell on how long we still have left and how iffy the whole situation seems right now. He assured me it's only a few more months and that he'd enjoy "practicing" in the meantime. He he. What a guy.

Does this help me be at peace with The Wait? Yes. It helps some. But countervailing the increased peace is an increased impatience at wanting to make him a dad. Wanting to see the joy and experience the good times. Now that he knows he wants it, I want to give that too him all the more urgently.

In any case, if something does happen to throw us off track again, it probably won't be the thing(s) I'm most worried about. Because isn't it the way of the world that what you really should have been worried about or prepared for never crossed your mind at all.

"Friends"

I have this one work "friend" (let's call her V) who has a 1 year old and who can't make it through a conversation without starting at least half of her sentences with one of the following phrases: "Since I became a mom...." or "Ever since I got pregnant" or "Now that I have a kid" or "When I was pregnant" or "after I had [kid's name]." It's like every topic has to be analyzed, out loud, from the perspective of V when she was pregnant and V since she was pregnant and V now that she's not pregnant. EVERY topic. V seems to have no opinions on anything other than how it relates to her pregnancy.

And she is the person IRL that knows the most about my situation, other than DH. She knows when I go for blood draws. She knows what my beta levels are. She knows what my doctors are saying. She knows about my frustrations and my questions and GTD, I've confided all of this in her. The only thing she doesn't know is that The Wait is "only" six months - I told her a year.

It'll be holier-than-thou comments too. Like "Now that I'm a mom, I'm all about comfortable clothes." First of all, could she not say, "I like comfortable clothes?" Period? Is she pointing out that she is less materialistic now that she has other priorities? Is she fishing for a compliment: "Oh well V, that's understandable. You have much more important things to focus your attention and money on than how you look, now that you have a kid, unlike childless me who has nothing better to do all day than browse the shoe & handbag sections of Nordstr@m.com." And worse is when she's complaining about her kid - once, in a discussion about layoffs at work and how worried we all were that we would be next, she said to me: "at least you don't have a kid to feed."

And every time we hear of someone getting laid off who has a kid or see something on TV about kids she can't resist inserting "I just can't stop thinking about the kids. Being a mom, I just....that would be so awful." As if only she can understand someone else's misery and as if being laid off only matters if you have kids.

Now, I understand that a child infiltrates every aspect of one's life, including the trivial topics that comprise our conversations. And I can understand that pregnancy and birth and having a baby are all experiences so grand that once one goes through them, all things are seen through a different lens. But the verbal reminders are SO incessant and consistent and what is really unbelievable about it all is that she knows exactly what I'm going through and does it anyway.

It's not so much the reminders of what I lost as the insensitivity the comments represent. And sometimes the comments are blatantly indulgent. Totally unnecessary to what she's about to say or the topic of conversation. "Ever since I had [the baby]....I really don't care for thai food all that much, too greasy." "Now that I'm a mom....I find it really irritating when work is slow."

This post was precipitated by a particular incident that happened today - the straw that broke the camel's back. She almost sent the tears, that always seem to be sitting just behind my eyelids these days, over the edge. The dam almost broke. At a client meeting. It was she and I and our client and, trying to make small talk, I mentioned how annoyed I was that, just as I'm trying to quit caffeine, the world seems to have turned against me - they only served diet coke at the meeting, no diet seven up! At every other meeting I've been to in this building they provide both. Except this week. When I really am trying to quit.
So V pipes up - "I know!," and then she proceeds to tell the following story to our client: "I used to get so annoyed when I was pregnant because at our meetings the men in our department would always take the diet seven up and there would be only caffinated soda left for me, [other new-mom co-worker], and [third new-mom co-worker],...when we were all pregnant!" I should mention here for readers who don't follow the blog that I have two female co-workers other than V and both are currently on maternity leave. They got pg at the same time and I got pregnant about halfway through their pregnancies.

I have never as visceral a reaction to a mere comment as I did to this one. She was talking about something that had included me too. And it was a reminder that (a) ALL the other girls in our group went through uneventful, healthy pregnancies, and (b) I wasn't included in the story (even though I was having the same gripes about the diet seven up at the time) because my pregnancy never really came to fruition. Mine didn't count. The fact that she told the story in the first place was rude, and then the fact that she named all of the other female co-workers in our group was the icing. V wasn't even pg at the same time as the other two. She could have just explained it from her experience and that would have been bad enough. But she had to mention our other co-workers, our friends, like they were all one big happy exclusive group.

She came to talk to me after the meeting and I actually expected an apology, but didn't get one. Not even close. I think I was visibly upset. I could barely look at her. It's sad because prior to this point she's actually been a huge source of support - checking in on me and such...although now that I think about it, she's kind of nosy and probably only kept asking about my beta updates so she could be filled in on the drama and all the bad news that has befallen me.

So I'm angry because I trusted her and she's hurt me and I'm angry because I never wanted to be the kind of person you had to be careful around. I don't want to be the person that you can't talk about X with because I'm too sensitive. And I don't think it's the topic here as much as the blatant disregard and disrespect. If she wasn't aware of my situation, I wouldn't have blamed her in the least. I wouldn't have been as hurt. It's the fact that she is aware of my situation, in all it's gory detail. And says these things anyway.

"HCG Results Day" or "I need a vacation"

Results: <2


Instructions: test again in one week.


No way Jose. Testing again in two weeks. I've only been testing once every 10 days so far anyway. There is no medical need to test every week. My Dr. OBG is crazy. And she of course didn't call me back herself so I had no way to discuss this or anything else with her. You'd think, notwithstanding the financial incentives she has to make me come in instead of advising me on the phone, that she'd have some sensitivity to what I've been through and my cries for help last week. But evidently not. Her receptionist called and said my levels were zero. "Does that mean less than two?" I asked. I'm not taking this "five is the same as zero" crap anymore. (Especially after my nightmare last night that the level was 3). And she said yes. So I'm glad.


I've been working like crazy. Nights, weekends. DH is about to leave for a month and I'm pretty depressed that this is how I'm spending the time leading up to his departure. Imprisoned at work. But I need the hours. It's endlessly frustrating. I'm supposed to go to a function with some of his friends this weekend. And I don't think I'm going to make it. But until I'm sure I will agonize over whether I can make it work, whether I should work instead, whether that will insult DH and his friends, it's a lose lose situation. If I don't go, this will be the second time in a month that I've flaked on his plans. And I'm sure it's not lost on him that I've somehow been available for my family, although I did have to blow off a (pregnant) friend for lunch last weekend when DH and I both had to work. Hmm...I'm noticing a pattern of selective busy-ness. It's like I'm prioritizing work above things that maybe I shouldn't. Like spending the weekends with friends. Or at least with each other.

So I'm under a lot of pressure (some admittedly self-inflicted, this is one of many things I'd like to work on about myself) and my stress level is through the roof. And it bothers me that this affects not only my marriage and relationships, but also my fertility. When I was getting my blood drawn yesterday the phlebotomist was telling me how important it is to relax when trying to make a baby. She has seven girls. She said it will happen, I just need to relax. Any stress at all can disrupt your cycles, she said. Really? Any stress at all? It's a wonder the world is so populated. At least I have a few 'freebie' cycles before we start trying again. I better get all my stress out now.

The Fourth

The weekend went by without any tears and without too much angst. Our friends' baby was impossibly cute, all 30 hours of him, and I can't count the number of innuendos that were made regarding how it's time for me and DH to get one too. But a good time was had by all, and I was able to distance myself - most of the time - from all the parenthood that was going on around me. And from the what-if's. I was able to take in the hints that it's time for me and DH to get going in large part because it's looking like we do have an estimated date of resuming TTC. But there were times when I felt my heart drop a good ten inches. For example, my mom was talking more with the new-mom friend than with me and DH. She even got their baby a little gift - for no reason other than she was excited to have a baby to buy something for. We've known these friends for ages and all it takes is one sperm and one egg and all of the sudden our friends have more in common with my parents than they do with us. They are 'in the club.' We're not.

There were also the comments. DH was accusing me of not using my new camera enough and the husband in the couple said "I know one way to get her to use the camera more."

And when the dogs' excitement over having a tiny person crawling around on the floor with them became apparent (the baby would crawl towards them with his tiny grippy fingers outstretched toward their ears and as he got closer, the dogs would take the baby by complete surprise with a barrage of kisses all over his face), my dad said "[Fur baby] is going to want one of those now."

DH spent half of our hike carrying the baby in a baby bjorn (it was a long hike and the baby is just about to outgrow the front pack so the guys took shifts) and it was mesmerizing how much fun DH was having and how he lit up the kid's face, swaying this way and that, bouncing around, running after the dogs (the kid loved them as much as they loved him). That stuck like a dagger in the compartment of my heart that still holds a shred of the "that should be us, this should be real."

The weekend was still fun for me largely because my dogs were amazingly well behaved, almost as much fun as the baby, and much easier in all respects. They were SO good with the baby. Which warmed my heart because of how sweet they all were together and then also because it's good to know they'll behave if we ever manage to produce one of those. We also got out a lot - did some serious hiking and beachgoing. The dogs came with us, thank god. They are truly like the bandage that stems the flow of my maternal need and anguish. As long as I have them to focus on, to distract me, to talk about and fawn over, I'm ok. But at one point the new parents each had one fur baby, DH had their baby and I was...alone. And it was hard. I didn't know what to do or how to feel or where to look. It's that loss of control. It's like I'd rather have something to take care of - even if it means endless concern or worry or work - than having nothing at all. Than having there be no point to myself.

I noticed this weekend that I'm getting to a stage where I can really treat my pregnancy like it wasn't meant to be. Which is good considering my due date is in three weeks. And my due date buddy is about to give birth. I really feel like I just was cursed with a medical condition that never would have become a baby anyway and it has simply delayed our start date by a year. Big deal.

However, another thing I learned this weekend was how very badly and truly I want a baby, having gone the full 24 hour routine with one. And how very ready me and DH are for one. And what worries me a bit now ('cause there's always something) is that the anticipation will only build throughout The Wait. And I already have my hopes up so very very high for the next go-round. I hope I'm not dooming myself to disappointment. What if it doesn't happen again so easily. What if something else goes wrong? What if DH has a change of heart in the next five months. What if we can't seem to time things right, TTC was frustrating the first time - I can only imagine how it will be after the year that I've had and the hope that I am placing on this winter when we start to try again. I feel like after all this I deserve to have things go perfectly, so I'm bound to be disappointed. So although I'm emerging from the loss healthfully, I am entering into dangerous territory. I guess whatever goes wrong, I will be able to say that I'm doing all that I can. And that is all I can do. And all that I need to know to have some peace with this journey.

Resistance is futile

I have always been a little controlling. See, I can admit it. I like to be in control of my life. I don't try to be controlling of anything or anyone else, but my life is broad-reaching so whatever gets in the way sometimes is at risk of falling victim to this tendency of mine. And it's kind of a neurotic tendency because if I'm unable to be in control of my circumstances, I freak out. I stress out. It has even gotten to the point where it interferes with my health. There are times that I have a meltdown, or at least a panic attack. I have actually had a full blown, lying on the floor, can't breathe, feel like I'm having a heart attack, panic attack. It was my first week of law school. But I digress.

My angst over The Wait is borne, I think, of my determination to control my own destiny. I am resisting The Wait in every way possible. I am resisting trusting my doctors because I know that they can't be perfectly sure of anything. I mean look what a fuss I made over one or two months! Clearly I made such a small issue into such a monumental one just to justify to myself doing things how I want to do them and not how I was told by someone else to do them. I am resisting my friends becoming mothers, sometimes twice, while I wait (and wait) to have a new start. I am resisting not having a child, right now(!) because I can't understand why it should be this difficult and painful and unfair. So I resist it. And resistance is causing me to have random bouts of tears and a lot of anxiety and to not show enough appreciation for DH and to distance myself from friends and to waste this time that I've been given on the earth. I should enjoy The Wait. I'm sure there will come a time in motherhood when I would give almost anything to just take a 6 month break. Actually that's not true. I would probably never want that. But maybe a month... And there is plenty I can do with the time. And yet I continue to worry and stew and hem and haw and justify and argue with myself and my doctors because I want to be able to control what has happened. I want to be all-knowing so I do research. And I demand answers that no one has. And I keep looking. But no amount of this will enable me to control anything. And that is what I need to learn to accept. And maybe that is what this experience was meant to do. To teach me to let go. I'm not religious, but if I were (and I do wish I were), I'd be convinced of this. As it happens, feeling like it's just dumb luck frustrates me all the more. Let it go.

Ok, maybe this will help...

Good things about The Wait:

• I always said I didn't want to be pregnant during the holidays.....so I can drink.
  
  
• I NEED to make a dentist appointment, with x-rays, and will probably need fillings, with novocain, so this is a golden opportunity.



• I can use these months to determine, probably to an exact science, on which cycle day I ovulate.



• I can use these months to become healthy enough to support a healthy pregnancy



• I need to finish the billable year strong and right now, not being pg and not being in beta hell, there are minimal other worries.



• We can still start trying (knock on wood) before our one year wedding anniversary, so we're not so far behind where we 'should' be in life.
  

I got a pocket calendar in the mail yesterday from a nonprofit I sometimes donate to. The first thing I did was to check the dates it covered because I wanted it SO badly to be a 2010 calendar. I was SO hoping to get a third party opinion that 2010 was just around the corner. It would have made me feel so much better. And it was 2009-2010. So that was close. But then I hated myself for wishing away all this time. Every day is a gift. And I have so much to be happy about. I don't want to wake up in ten years, and have nothing but pain and anger and jealousy and wanting for memories.

So I have more resolve than I did a couple days ago. Query whether this will last through the holiday weekend. DH and I are going to my parents'. And our friends - with their 11 month old - will be joining us. These are the friends that offered me their pregnancy books last time we got together. But they are relatively safe for me to be around. They got married two years before me and DH, they're older than us by a couple years, and it took them a while to conceive. And they started trying WAY before us. So somehow, in my twisted jealous bitter mind, they deserve their happiness. I am happy for them. I am not so worried about hanging out with their baby. I don't want their baby (though he's endless fun). I want my own. What I am bracing for is the running commentary about babies from this couple and my parents, everyone feeding off of each other. And the questions and implications about when are DH and I going to have a baby. They've already proven they're not above suggesting pregnancy literature to us. So I can't wait to see what's next. But almost sadder than that is the realization that one day the prodding will stop. One day people might conclude on their own that we're having trouble, whether we tell them or not. And they might stop asking and joking and implying. And then it will be so official. I will feel like I'm branded - infertile. Unhealthy. Unfit. Genetically unsound. And that might be worse than the sting I feel when they do suggest that DH and I should get to making babies. The idea that they've given up. That they know. The pity. That might be worse.

The slate will never be wiped clean

This is my revelation for today. After I realized what a long haul I was in for after my m/c, I wanted so very badly to have a clean start. Normal cycles, zero HCG. Negative HPT's again. Just go back to the beginning. Start over.

And now that, by all appearances, I'm roughly half of the way there, I'm starting to realize, it will never be a true start-over. And I'm not just talking about the loss of that innocent faith and hope that you have when you're trying for a baby the first time. I'm saying that logistically, I'll never be in a place where I feel like my body, my health, my risk factors are back to where they were pre-m/c. I am really scared that the GTD could come back (if I ever had it in the first place). At any time. And even if I can get my head around waiting until Dec./Jan. to try again, I will still be scared and I will wonder why I'm not waiting a whole year. I've heard of GTD coming back three years hence. Sometimes with intervening healthy pregnancies. So there's no telling when and if it could recur and that scares the s-- out of me. And it's why I will never feel like I've been given a real second chance. And the worst part is, I may be tainted for life over this...and never even have had GTD.

So a m/c is frustrating. Having it take a year to resolve itself is even more frustrating. And then, on top of all of this, I don't know - no one knows - what has happened to me. No one knows what's wrong. And the possibilities are so starkly different that I've just been tipped over the edge of the long fall toward debilitating anger at the thought of waiting six months if there's nothing wrong with me. The thought of waiting only six months if there IS something wrong with me is equally as devastating. If I had a real diagnosis - "you have GTD" - I would be better able to accept a long wait. But the way my levels trended down...never going up more than a few points, going down on their own albeit very very VERY slowly, their lack of response to MTX paired with their continued decline,....all of this tells me that I shouldn't worry, it wasn't GTD. It was left over tissue that my poor body had to absorb one cell at a time because it was afraid to expel anything, after all, it thought it was pregnant. I could probably start TTC today if I wanted. And even if it was GTD, in five months my levels only changed by about 20-30 points, who cares if it comes back, it's obviously a weak growth and the most it could grow in 9 months of pregnancy is about 100 points, right? That's curable.

But I don't know that. I don't know anything. And that's the worst part. It's not the wait. It's not the loss. It's not being able to really wipe the slate clean, ever. I will never stop worrying about the possibility of GTD. Because although the risk is probably remote, the consequences are dire. What if I get to month 5 or 6 and they say - your HCG levels suggest the GTD has come back. You can terminate the pregnancy and we'll treat you for it, or you can continue the pregnancy and take your chances that you'll be alive long enough to enjoy your children. This is the thing I most fear about pregnancy now - that I'll be given this choice to make. And maybe it's just one more worry to add to the rest, because there are plenty. And maybe I'll find a way to be ok with all that and forge ahead in my quest to become a mother. But I don't think I'll ever really be free of it.