Having just finished telling MeAndBaby how un-materialistic I've become following my pregnancy and subsequent m/c...I have to admit that I've had a relapse.
I spent Sunday with a girlfriend who I love and who doesn't have kids yet (she's a couple yrs younger and unmarried) and who doesn't know about the hell I've been through in the last 6 months and it was really exactly what I needed. To just forget about it all for an afternoon, to talk about something else, get out of my own head, and to relish the freedom of being unattached to family obligations (DH is out of town this week). We spent the day at a high-end shopping center - one of those ones with a Burberry and Neiman Marcus. I had an $11 salad for lunch, we got our nails done - mani AND pedi, I spent too much on clothes...I pretty much went nuts. I can't quite figure it out 'cause I have not been moved to spend money on myself since this saga began...maybe the first collection of nice work clothes I accumulated two years ago when I became a real lawyer are finally getting tired and scruffy, maybe I'm trying to indulge away my pain and anxiety, sometimes I feel like I'm trying to control my life, which has spun decidedly and wickedly out of control in the last few weeks, by throwing money at it and convincing myself that if I can't have a baby now, at least I can spend enough money on myself to at least look the part of a successful, legitimate, and fabulous woman. I was even able to adopt the attitude, momentarily, that I don't mind waiting, didn't my new-mom-girlfriend just tell me to wait as long as I can? And another told me to enjoy this time. Enjoy being able to do what you want to, when you want to. So I am trying. And whatever possessed me to spend the money that I did, I have to admit, on at least a superficial level, I think it was worth it.
14 years ago
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