What's wrong with peeing on a few sticks? 3.24.09

The week after the 49 they were 43. So that’s roughly a two week change of -1. Or “no change.” I asked about whether a molar or partial molar was possible. Dr. said based on a ‘very valid’ pathology report, she thought the chances of that were close to zero. I choose to believe her this time. But she did read me the riot act about my tracking HCG with HPTs. I keep insisting that the levels have never been zero and that this is HCG from the first pregnancy. I want her to recognize this and start treating it like an abnormally long wait instead of a normal got pg twice scenario. What if it was molar? The levels really haven’t moved appreciably in almost 3 weeks! This is not normal. Well it could be but it’s pretty unusual, based on my admittedly flimsy but thorough google research. Her explanation: the HPTs can give false positives and I didn’t check HCG in between my weekly HPT tests (actually I did, just too afraid to admit how obsessive I’ve become) and therefore I could be pg. She felt it necessary to add that what I’ve been doing is a science experiment and “unfortunately you’re doing it with your own body.” Whatever, I’m not jeopardizing my health or gambling with a baby here. I’m not harming myself, I’m just trying to be well-informed. She absolutely does not appreciate this fact or the notion that further criticism is not helpful in my fragile state. This is an absolutely disheartening process to be so happy and hopeful and then so crushed and then to realize that the loss was only the beginning of this cycle of frustration and anger and sadness and jealousy and fear. It really weighs on me every second of every day. More so than the pregnancy ever did. And has made me considerably more depressed.

Shortly after I got the 43 result my BBTs which I’m not supposed to still be taking acc to the dr. started dropping appreciably. This made me feel a lot better. Seriously, I went to the bathroom, turned the light on to check the thermometer, and "that's the way (uh-hu uh-hu) I like it" went off in my head. I’m glad I kept taking them. BBTs fall shortly before AF. Always. That’s based on science. So hopefully I’m getting closer. I mean I must be right? In the meantime we’re using condoms. I really am desperate to get this sorted out and am more resigned to the idea that it could be months, rather than weeks, before we can try again.

My best work friend had her baby this week. I am so jealous. But excited for her definitely. But the jealousy is more acute than any jealousy I’ve felt ever. It actually physically hurts. And the deeper into this quagmire of uncertainty over my own biology I get, the worse it hurts. Every day that passes is another day more abnormal that my situation has become. Even if/when I get pg again, I don’t think this haze will lift. I think I will not really consider myself ‘pg’ again until week 15ish w/ a strong hb. Then even as I announce it to co-workers in week 20 (I imagined this the other day) it would still be with a little anguish rather than excitement. I can’t believe another of my co-workers told at 8 weeks w/o even an u/s. I just can’t imagine that. And I’m so glad I don’t have to listen to another of my co-workers who just left on maternity complaining about pregnancy anymore. It’s all getting really difficult. Why me?

More beta work tomorrow. It feels like I’ve waited a year and a half since the last draw. HPTs are still faintly positive. Annoyingly. So def over 20.