'Tis the season

Here are some stats:

15 days left on my ticker.

Probably about 24 hours left until O time.

By next ICLW I may be trying again. This will depend on...

...my next beta in 19 days.

Approximately 16 days until AF.

If all goes well, I will be actually trying again in approximately 29 days.

This week is starting to crawl as I approach O. I am having a good cycle, my oncologist isn't worried, why am I not doing something about it? Why am I wasting this egg? This opportunity? Everything could fall apart before next month. You might regret this...

It has been difficult to re-convince myself in the last few days that this is not a waste. I can tell myself the extra month is to make sure the MTX is out of my system and to make sure all the old crusty, potentially-damaged-by-chemo eggs from The Wait are washed out and to make sure sure sure my HCG is normal and my cycles are normal. But the only thing that really helps is to scare myself by asking Dr. Google about things like recurrence of choriocarcinoma and the answers I get from him are usually so grim that it makes me not want to try again ever. It's a turbulent time. One minute I'm ready to give it a go. The next I'm thinking about quitting TTC altogether and focusing on adoption. I'm irrational. Emotional. Frustrated. But I'm also healthy, I know another month can't really hurt (right?), and I could still use that last month to improve my diet and drinking habits. And really, technically, my status will be "trying again" in just a few days. After I O this cycle, I will be fairly secure in the knowledge that I will be all over the next possible opportunity. Barring any problems with my October beta.

These days when I make plans, new thoughts are starting to creep into my head: I will be trying again by then. Or I might be pregnant by then. I am starting to think of the things that will need to change in my daily life. I can't let the dogs jump all over me like they do, our walks might get shorter. Clothes - thank god it's winter and I'll be able to layer them on 'cause i don't want to announce another pregnancy until the baby is safe in my arms. I won't be able to drink, that's good 'cause my body could use a break. I have plenty of practice 'faking it' through the holidays from last year.

I feel sort of silly an guilty for thinking things like this. As if I were really going to have a real pregnancy. Who do I think I am? How could I hope that I might actually be one of the lucky ones?

The seasons where I live changed yesterday. Overnight. That's how they are here, it happens really fast. And this new one, unsurprisingly I guess, reminds me of pregnancy. The cold air, the warmer clothes, subtle things like feeling congested more often than not, the sky gets darker earlier, I'm drinking hot chocolate and tea instead of diet soda and ice water. It reminds me of being pregnant. It's how I felt when I walked around with my baby inside thinking someday soon the whole world will know about this new life of mine, this new experience of mine, and it will be the best experience of my life, having this child to love. I bundled up and breathed icy breaths, wore boots and beanies and my puffy jacket...and then I would feel sick from morning sickness or would have to hand DH my glass of wine when no one was looking. It's all associated. And it's painful. I'd like to think of it as a new beginning, that from now on this season will be associated with something better. But I'm still so far from making that happen. It will either make things all the more better or that much worse that we will be (hopefully, again depending on the beta) trying again in the precise week that we got knocked up last year. It could be a nightmare repeating itself. It all feels very deja vu otherwise, after all. Why do I think it will turn out any different this time?

Some peace

It was a good weekend. And man did I need it.

First, I worked up the courage to go check in with our grumpy-old-man neighbor about how the dogs are doing during the day. Much to my relief, he said the situation had drastically improved. It filled my heart with the kind of relief you can only get when you wake up from a nightmare or find something really really important that you thought you'd lost. The really good kind of relief. I'm a little wary of all the safeguards we're taking - for example, the citronella bark collar seems to go off at inopportune times - like when the furbaby is NOT barking. And I hate that. I've seen it go off when she's roughhousing with the other furbaby (probably because of all the growling) and it makes me so sad. All they have all day is each other and now they can't even play? I'm wondering if eventually I can take the collar off and just rely on the ultrasonic boxes we've placed strategically throughout the yard.

Unfortunately, if I were to take the collar off and the barking were to resume, I don't feel like I can count on our neighbor to tell us because he's so nonconfrontational. If it gets bad again, the first notice we'll probably get is a citation from the city (or worse). So right now I'm scared to take any measures to back off on the bark control. But thank god it's working. Thank god.

I also had conversations with DH about his job and about babymaking, and not only were they productive and positive, but I didn't even have to force them...the topics just came up. About his job, I told him I trusted him and that if he needed to quit it's ok. He confessed that he doesn't have the heart to quit which convinced me that he isn't really blaming me, he knows it would be crazy to give up on his job right now. I told him how I thought giving up everything and moving to an island in Greece, in reality, would be a little isolating for this particular time in our lives. He agreed. And I told him I do wish he could stay home. I loved having him home during his sabbatical. But I told him how trapped I would feel if we were to give up the flexibility we have, when we're both working, to eventually take jobs that we really like. While we don't have kids it makes sense to work hard and save. If and when we do have kids, we can reassess.

And when we were driving home from a bbq at SIL's, DH told me that "All I know is two things. One is that I love you more than anything. Two is that I want to have lots of beautiful babies with you." He was a little drunken, but it was cute nonetheless. And so so awesome that in the throes of hating his job and feeling depressed about life, etc. he is still pro-kids, plural. More relief. But it made it that much harder to convince myself that we should wait until next cycle. Must....resist....

On the cycling front, my temp is still strangely high, but has come down a little. More encouraging is the (TMI alert) ewcm that has arrived right on time, CD 14. So hopefully I'm still on track to have a normal cycle. Next cycle is so close, and yet so far. I'm handling it well though, better than I thought I would.

I had SO much fun with the kids at SIL's bbq. I felt like a kid. It reaffirmed my sense of wanting, not just pregnancy, and not just a baby, but children. This is definitely progress for me. At times in my life, I couldn't see myself with children. The thought was kind of terrifying. It doesn't anymore. I feel confident about it. I'm excited about it and I know DH and I would make great parents. There is no doubt in my mind that this is what I want for my life. I attribute this progress both to the natural progress of maturing as time goes on and to the appreciation for the concept of parenthood that I've developed over the last year - the refusal to take any part of the process for granted.

The only disappointment this weekend was that SIL would not lay off about us having babies and informed us that she is now taking time out of her day to go to open houses in her neighborhood trying to find us a house nearby because she swears we'll need help with the little ones someday soon. First, I'm pretty independent. I think I can successfully raise kids, even if my nearest relative is one hour away. Second, moving does not make financial sense for us right now. We bought our house when the market was too high and we're now in a downturn and need to wait it out. Plus we just refinanced at an amazing rate...but we put a lot of cash (fees, points, etc.) into the refinance so we need to stay in the house for at least a few more years to break even. Third, we have a great house 20 minutes from each of our (relatively) great jobs. Fourth, and perhaps most to the point - we don't have kids and have no guarantee of ever having them.

It would of course be nice to live closer to our relatives. I would love that. But I hate that they only want us if we're making babies. I hate that the premise is so full of expectations and not-so-subtle innuendos. Why didn't they start searching for our new house seven years ago when we moved in together? The whole family certainly takes us more seriously now that we're married, but we're still not serious enough I guess. This is a lot of pressure for one little uterus.

So was it the chicken? Or the egg?

I'm feeling pretty crappy. I should be excited. The end of The Wait might be just around the corner (still knocking on wood), my HCG is normal, and I have a wonderful life aside from this whole IF issue. The problem is that despite all of this, I feel like my whole life IS the IF issue. So there's little else to provide consolation. I feel like I'm marinating in doubts and fears and frustration and unanswerable questions, jealousy, bitterness...what else...did I say fear? Just a general dissatisfaction with respect to my life and my inability to rise above this challenge. I'm getting consumed by it. It's controlling me. And I'm letting it. It's an obsession. But somehow I've convinced myself the only way to get what I want is to go through this, to punish myself with daily affirmations of days left and temp charts and beta draws and medical journal articles about cancer and replaying conversations with my doctors in my head, searching for something I missed, something that will definitively answer the questions of when should I try again and, more importantly, what then?

I blame a bunch of things for my craptastic mood. My BBT is still elevated. I can't figure it out. It's really really high for this part of my cycle, it's staying high, and there doesn't seem to be a reason for it. I wouldn't be so worried about erratic temps but last month was so textbook, this month's temps just don't make sense and it reminds me of the days between my D&C and when I finally got my period, six months later. The days when nothing was normal and no one knew why. In those days my hope started to evaporate, a little at a time. Those days were traumatic. I looked all day every day for SIX MONTHS for any sign at all that something would go right. And none came. Not a single sign. Everything just kept getting worse and worse than I ever imagined things could get. That's what this feels like, a loss of control, a loss of understanding. After all that I've been through this year, I have even less faith or ability to let go than I started with.

The whole issue with the dogs barking is still bothering me too. I can't tell if the things we're doing are working. They seem to be, but I only really get to test it for about 10 minutes a day. And I didn't realize it was such a problem in the first place, clearly I haven't been around for the worst of it. So I really have no idea. I just know I love my dogs and I'm worried about them.

Probably the most significant factor is how dismal DH is acting lately. And by lately I mean this year. This decade? He hates his job. Every. Single. Night. he comes home and tells me he doesn't know if he can take it anymore. He is SO unhappy. It doesn't help that he's in a new position and feels in over his head. And he complains about it incessantly. Which is difficult for me to hear for a number of reasons. One is that I care about him and don't want him to be unhappy. Two is that he's lucky to have that job, a lot of people right now would gladly take his place? Three is that I'm tired of him crying wolf, so to speak. Every complaint sounds like it's the last straw...but he's still there.

I just don't know how to respond. I have two choices, as I see it. I can continue to coddle him and sympathise as much as I can, tell him sure he can quit or get another job and I will support that. To try to be kind and supportive despite how ridiculous and trying the situation has become.

Or I can throw down the hammer. Tell him I am done hearing about it. Do something about it already because you're bringing me down with you and I've had it. Quit or don't quit but stop whining. I just can't take it anymore. He has it pretty good. He's paid well, he has time to work out, time to have a life. And I'm not stopping him from leaving, I don't want to be used as an excuse for his unhappiness, and I'm kind of upset that this is all he can think of to talk about in our marriage for SEVEN long years. Every time I ask what he's thinking, the answer is work. Every time we have a few hours to ourselves, the conversation turns to finances and how he can arrange to not have to work anymore. Or what new business idea he's come up with that he doesn't end up pursuing.

Sometimes he seems kind of mad at me over it. Like I won't let him retire. First of all, he's 32. He's got a long way to retirement. Second of all, I will let him do whatever he wants. I trust him, I'm not standing in his way. He's a grown up. He can do whatever he wants. As long as it doesn't interfere with my dream to have a baby.

And in the end, that's what all of this comes down to. All of the things in my life seem to matter lately only insofar as they help or hinder my goal of starting a family.

One thing I've learned from this whole pity party is how bad I've allowed my attitude to become. Probably the first step to getting out of the trenches is a change in my attitude. And I think this will help inspire DH too. I think he needs someone to lean on for right now. And instead of being indignant and selfish, I should be happy to be there for the person I love. I should be happy. Period. Because then everything else will be better. I'm just so confused as to whether happiness causes a positive attitude or whether a positive attitude causes happiness...or whether happiness is a myth and we all just need to keep doing the best we can.

"HCG Results Day" or "Then what the H is up with my BBT?"

Results: less than 2. The assistant keeps saying "less than zero." Which is lame and compromises her credibility. But as soon as I heard the assistant's voice on the phone I knew it must be good news. I think my OBG would call herself if it was not good.

I was also told that Dr. OBG will be on sabbatical next month and so I should call Dr. new OBG for next month's HCG results, which is good. Because if I get pg after my next HCG test, as I hope to do, it might be easier for me to "switch" to the new OBG going forward. For those new to the blog, my current OBG is a hateful bitch that I don't trust and can hardly stand to think about. She has lied to me, she has accused me of all manner of things and has said in no uncertain terms that the situation I find myself in is my fault. She is awful and I want to get rid of her asap. So this is a great opportunity. I should just start checking in regularly with Dr. new OBG instead of Dr. hateful bitch OBG. Then it will be only natural that I would go to the new OBG with a positive test. The only problem with this is that it would be such a seamless transition that my current OBG might not be sufficiently hurt that I 'dumped' her and moved on to the new one. She might actually get the impression that it was nothing she did...which it most definitely was. And, new readers, lest you think I am being irrational or spiteful, I can assure you, she has put me through so very much pain and anxiety, she deserves to know exactly how awful she is.

I woke up today to a high temp. We're talking post-O level temp. But I'm only on CD8. And it was the second day in a row of this same temp, so I can't chalk it up to a fluke. Of course my mind went straight to the fear that my HCG had gone up again. So that's what I've worried about for two days. Obviously not, according to the results today. THANK GOD. But I wonder what the deal is? Maybe I'm fighting off some bug? DH had a stomach thing this weekend...but I feel fine. Maybe it's the heat wave? But really there is nothing out of the ordinary so far as I can tell...this has never happened with my chart. Very mysterious. And of course scary. Cause everything is scary these days. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be ready to try again.

It could be stress I suppose. I'm not sure why that would cause a 2-day high temp but stress seems to be an answer for everything. And I have plenty of it lately. The situation with our neighbors vs. our barking furbaby is worse than we originally thought which I found out when I finally worked up the guts to go over and talk to the neighbor who we suspect filed the complaint. Turns out, it's not just the retired guy next door who's miffed, there's someone else who's complained. In our defense, there is another dog on our street that's a barking mess - I just hope these complainants can tell the difference. I also hope all the mechanisms we're putting in place are working. So far we have the citronella bark collar and THREE (count 'em) ultrasonic devices that will get set off if the furbabies bark (hopefully not all at once, they're spaced out around our yard). It turns out that our neighbor had already purchased one for his yard to stop our furbabies from barking and he was bummed 'cause it didn't work through the fence. I started to feel a little bad for him when he told me that. It must be pretty bad. So I told him all the steps we were taking, asked him if I could come by in a few days to ask if it's working, and I mentioned some backup plans if the first measures don't work (like keeping the furbabies in the garage during the day - which I would be loathe to do but it would be better than having them taken away obviously). I hate how upset I have become over this. Upset by the fear of losing the dog, upset by the guilt, upset by the anxiety of not knowing if things are working and of losing time at work and at home having to deal with all of this. Upset about what it's costing. Upset that our neighbors didn't confront us directly before going to the authorities. It's really rocked me.

Also, I got a cavity filled yesterday. I thought after my last trip to the dentist, the whole fact that I used to be pregnant would disappear silently into the past as far as my dental care was concerned but the first thing the hygenist said this time was: "So...you had a baby?!?" She was a different hygenist than last time. It must be engraved in gold on my chart: "Pregnant girl was here 11/17/08." "No." I said flatly, "I didn't." She understood instantly. She put her hand on my shoulder and said in a very quiet voice, "I'm sorry." And that was the last I heard about it that day. The visit did not get any better. I went in for a simple filling and after an hour and a half of numbing and digging and drilling the dentist finally ended the procedure by saying "we'll keep our fingers crossed that we won't need a root canal!" Indeed. "We" will.

Other than this though, life is good. Because my HCG is still at zero! I can't believe how close I am to this wait potentially being over. Somehow it makes me feel like I don't really deserve for it to be over. Or like it would be smarter to keep waiting. Somehow I still think my oncologist's advice (he thinks its fine to start trying again right away) is too good to be true. Like if I dare hope for it to be true I will be punished with cancer. I still have a month to get comfortable with it though and believe me, there are days I'm tempted to try even earlier. How did I get here? When trying for a baby has become the stuff of nightmares? When trying too early can mean a deadly disease? When even waiting the recommended time is no guarantee that you won't get cancer again? When I'm scared to trust my doctors? When I find myself rationalizing the choice to start to TTC 4.5 months after my HCG hit zero instead of 6 months after it hits zero by saying - if by month six post HCG normalization we determine that the GTD is back and I am two months pregnant, I can terminate (for purposes of undergoing cancer treatment) without as much heartache as if I was 5 months pregnant. What kind of consolation is that? I hate this. And I hate it even more when I think about how blissful the new moms in my life are. And how easy the rest of the family obviously expects it to be for us. It is not getting easier. It's getting harder.

ICLW Kickoff

Welcome ICLWers and anyone new to the blog. Here's the backstory...

DH and I started trying to make a baby in the fall of '08, a strategic 3 months before our wedding. By the time we reached the altar we had gotten our BFP and then, 11 weeks later at our first u/s, found out I had suffered a missed miscarriage. It was devastating and totally unforeseen (I had experienced plenty of morning sickness and no bleeding or cramping whatsoever - I thought I was a healthy pregnancy poster child) but little did we know, the nightmare had only just begun. A full two months after my D&C I was still getting positive HPTs - my HCG was going down abnormally slowly. Since the pathology report from my D&C in January had come back normal, no one knew exactly what was going on...was it a second pregnancy? Left over tissue? The oncologist has since concluded that it was probably some variety of gestational trophoblastic disease (GTD). GTD is a disease of the placental cells. It's generally referred to as a "cancer" but the different types span the spectrum from totally benign to gravely malignant. It's best known for the havoc it can wreak as part of a molar pregnancy, but GTD can follow any type of pregnancy. I happen to think I fit the profile of a partial mole (which can be missed by a pathology report), but we'll never know for sure.

Although my HCG was declining, more or less, on its own, the doctors didn't want to take chances and prescribed methotrexate (a type of chemotherapy) to get the levels down faster. And when that didn't seem to do any good, we all just sat back and waited to see what would happen "off treatment." What happened is that my HCG levels continued their slow decline, finally reaching zero (or more accurately, "less than 2") exactly 5.5 months after my D&C. And as if 5.5 months wasn't enough torture I was also told to wait an additional 7.5 months before trying again. On the chance that the pregnancy was a partial mole or did in fact cause GTD, my OBG advised this further wait period so they could monitor my HCG levels for a while. The common understanding of this wait time is that doctors want to monitor HCG continuously for six months to a year because if the levels go up, it could indicate a recurrence of GTD. If I were to TTC in the interim, the doctors wouldn't know if an increase in HCG was a new pregnancy or GTD returning.

However, In August my oncologist informed me that a wait time has no real medical basis. Six and 12 month wait times commonly prescribed after a molar pregnancy are arbitrary and outdated, he said. There is no evidence, he said, that the GTD has any higher chance of recurrence in the first six months than it does at any other time in my life. He said we could start TTC again right away, but that I do have a higher chance of having a molar pregnancy in the future, regardless of when we start trying again. He considers my case "resolved" and is not worried about a recurrence (other than the fact that now my baseline risk for another molar pregnancy is a bit higher than the average population). I decided to wait until late October, just to be on the cautious side - to make sure my HCG is really staying at zero and that the methotrexate is out of my system.

The Wait went well - my betas stayed negative. Our first cycle trying again was a bust. But the second resulted in a BFP and some promising beta numbers. And that's where we are today.

The last year has been the worst of my life, no question. Losing a baby, a cancer scare, and being raked over the coals by a consummately unprofessional OBG. But there is a silver lining. What I've been through has taught me to appreciate my health, to be more sensitive to others, that reaching out to the IF community is better medicine than anything doctors can prescribe, and to love AF (who I will never again take for granted). Someday soon I do hope to start a family. In the meantime, I bid you welcome to my musings on babymaking, life after loss, recovery, and the neverending struggle to be at peace with what has happened.

Stress Induced Venting

You've been warned, it's right there in the post title.

I'm definitely getting there. Twenty eight days until AF is expected to arrive again (or 29 or 30) and at that point, I'll be back in the game. It's getting awfully big in the window (remember that line from Apollo 13? I love it). If you think about it, after I 'O' in just two weeks (x-ing fingers) I will be back in the game - as long as my betas stay negative. As I approach reentry into the world of two week waits and pee sticks and hoping my betas go UP instead of down, I am starting to get more apprehensive about the time remaining. Now I need to be EXTRA careful about my nutrition, exercise, stress levels, etc. I need to do all that I can do to make sure I keep cycling regularly and to make sure my body is ready to produce healthy eggs and harbor a little life for a while. So in true form I am becoming acutely aware of all the things that can go wrong.

I thought I was doing pretty well, I felt blessed that I had gotten this far, blessed that I have been able to accept one more month of waiting relatively painlessly, blessed that AF keeps on coming almost when she's supposed to, blessed blessed blessed. And then, bam. Obstacle. I got a letter in the mail from the local animal control (have you noticed they have started calling them animal care now? That's nice. I hope the people as nice as their new name) saying that one of our neighbors is complaining about our dog barking. I have a pretty strong feeling they're talking about the newest fur baby and I also have a strong suspicion as to who the complainant is (a very old retired guy who is home all day without much to do). My newest fur baby does bark, when provoked by a person or animal near the yard, during the day. And I can see it getting annoying, but she does NOT bark outside during the night which I personally think is a worse offense than day-barking. Anyway, I am taking the complaint seriously because the thought of losing my dog scares the s-- out of me. I immediately ran out and got one of those citronella bark collars and though it pained me to do it (I cried, fully) I put it on her and started having her get used to it last night. She HATES it. And she has to wear it for a long time every day. So far it seems to have had it's desired effect but it also depresses her. I can only hope she'll get more used to it...although I don't want her getting too used to it to the point where it's no longer effective.

This is one of the last things I need (the others being a rise in HCG or a death in the family). I have been having a really lousy week and things were just starting to look up after AF's arrival when I got the smack down about my poor dog. I am so stressed out about this - I'm kind of shaky and my heart pounds and I didn't sleep well last night. This is the kind of problem that doesn't just go away - it's trial and error and hoping and praying potentially forever. It's not like there is a prescribed course of action and once I take it, the problem will be solved. And it's not something that happened and is now over with. It's ongoing and emotional. Sometimes to abate my anxiety i think of the worst case scenario and try to get comfortable with it. That doesn't work here because the worst case scenario is that animal "care" takes my baby away. Not acceptable.



There are a few things I can do if the collar doesn't work. Like keep her in the garage - but that would be kind of cruel and she'd probably still bark. The only other options seem to be to throw money at it with doggy day care or a dog sitter and with my DH lecturing me on finances lately and with us wanting to plan for a baby, I don't want to push those options. The first thing DH said was "maybe we should give her to your parents." As if my parents just sit around waiting for someone to bestow a hyperactive young upstart upon their peaceful lives. I don't think they'd go for that idea and I was miffed that that was the first place DH's mind went.

I think the biggest pain about all of this is the stress it's causing. Because these days I think of stress in terms of what it does to my fertility. When I have days like this, I wonder if they will throw off my cycles and that makes me more stressed out. I technically have 1.5 months until when I think I will really be actively 'trying' again so there is time for this all to blow over. But if anything is off in the meantime, I'll probably just continuously freak out between now and then and it's not good for my health or my relationship - which means it's not good for babymaking.

Anyway, adding to the mayhem, I've noticed that I haven't gotten a new driver license since I went to the DMV to renew it a month ago. So I called the DMV and they told me they were waiting on a vision test. They told me to go in and get the vision test and then they could issue the license. W.T.F??? I was ranting on this very blog about a month ago about how I almost missed a letter on the vision test and subsequently went to my optometrist and got glasses. I very specifically recall taking the vision test - and passing. So the bitch on the phone told me there was nothing I could do but go back to the DMV. Hell No. I spent 20 minutes on the phone with her, here's an excerpt:

Me: "Ok well I'll call the field office then and get them to input the information, [namely that I passed my vision test] so you can close your file and issue the license."

Bitch on the Phone (BOTP): "You can't. There's no number you can call. You have to go in."

Me: "I already went in. Can you contact them and get the information you need to close the file?"

BOTP: "No, we don't do that."

Me: "Why not?

BOTP: "We just don't do it."

Me: "Do you ever need information from the field offices?"

BOTP: "What kind of information?"

Me: "ANY information?"

BOTP: "yes, sure."

Me: "How do you get it?"

BOTP: "We call them."

Me: "So you can contact them - can you let them know you have an open file?"

BOTP: "No, we don't do that. And I don't have the access numbers, someone else has the phone numbers."

She went on being supremely unhelpful until I hung up. And then I called back (being mildly OCD) and got someone more helpful. This doesn't usually work for me, the calling back thing. But this time it did. The new person gave me a phone number for 'issuance' and when I called that number they said "Just send us you interim license and a receipt and we'll issue it." Thank you god.

I had to go home to get that paperwork and on the way into the house I rang the doorbell to see what the dogs would do. Normally this would send them into quite the loud fuss but I didn't hear a peep out of the offending furbaby and the other one only barked a couple times. Progress I think.

So for now my projects are: breathe, think more positively. Do what you can do and stop worrying so much about what you can't control. Why is that so hard to do?

She's here she's here she's here!!!!!

AF arrived. And CD32 becomes CD1 of the last cycle before resuming TTC if all goes well (and I am really knocking on wood here). She really made me sweat a little. I had two whole days of waiting, hour by hour, taking too many trips to the bathroom, being in a worse mood than PMS alone could explain. On one hand I feel like maybe I should have had a little faith. But on the other, I have been thrown around so much by my body that I don't blame myself in the least for assuming the worst. And given how scared I was that this late AF meant a recurrence of GTD (I was bawling last night, cried myself to sleep, had TWO drinks instead of my usual one - and it didn't help that me and DH decided to watch a movie to escape from reality. Because we put in Junebug and I had NO idea what happened at the end. Let me tell you, it is one of the very worst movies to watch if you're having a bad IF day), I have had no problem convincing myself that I should stick to my guns and sit this cycle out too.

Anyway, so AF didn't put me out of my misery until 6pm this evening, just as I was leaving work to make sure I got to the lab before it closed. I had decided that if AF didn't show today I would get my monthly beta early to figure out what was going on - hopefully to put my mind at ease. And AF hadn't shown. So I packed up and made one last trip to the ladies room and, well, you know the rest. I didn't end up getting my beta. I'll save that for my next freakout.

Partially because AF was so late and partially just because, it was a crappy day. In no small part due to a co-worker of mine who I think I've talked about before. This is the one that got pregnant her second month off of BCPs and has told me on multiple occasions that they weren't even making a concerted effort - they were just "doing what married people do." Like falling off a log it was. She's the one who announced to everyone at work that she was pregnant at 8 weeks having never gotten a positive pregnancy test (she says she drinks too much water for those to be accurate) or gotten an ultrasound or had any hard data suggesting she was, in fact, pregnant - let alone viably pregnant. And she ended up with a perfect, beautiful baby boy several months later. "I didn't need any tests, I was the poster child for a healthy pregnancy," she had told me - this was some time after I had explained to her my own struggles trying to have a baby. Could she be more insensitive? Turns out, yes. yes she could...

Currently, she's trying all these new kinds of birth control - different-doseages of the pill, the ring, etc. She's now waiting to try yet another type - waiting for AF to show - and was lamenting today about how she's not used to having to wonder when AF is going to arrive since she's been on the pill her whole life. I told her I knew the feeling since I'm off of birth control now too. I was after all, as we know, on CD32 and quite frustrated and scared so I really did feel her pain. I added: "and it's kind of scary because when AF is late, it could mean the cancer is back."

And here's her response: "Oh for me anything would be better than being pregnant again!" This was even worse than it sounds because it was not just a slap in the face to me but was also purely indulgent 'look-at-me-I-went-through-pregnancy-and-it-was-so-difficult-you-have-no-idea' gratuitous crap. She has made no secret of the fact that she wants to have more kids. So of course it's not true that anything would be better than another pregnancy. And it was hurtful. Because I really was scared shitless and she completely trivialized this. I couldn't believe it. I was stunned and in retrospect I wish I had spun right around and walked out of the store we were browsing for candy in, never to talk to her again. She doesn't get it. I can't be friends with someone who is so fucking careless and hurtful and stupid. A slip up once or twice is one thing but she has gotten into a pattern here. This is the same person who reminded me that I was lucky not to have another mouth to feed when our firm was doing layoffs and the same person that can't go two sentences without one of them starting with "Now that I'm a mom..."

And then, maybe in a pathetic attempt to smooth over what she had said (but which only succeeded in digging the knife in deeper), she asked if I had seen the scene in "Saved" where one of the girls is afraid she's pregnant and she hears that her symptoms could mean pregnancy or cancer and so she starts chanting to herself "please be cancer! please be cancer!" I told her I had seen "Saved" and that I thought they stole the line from "Now and Then." Where were my balls, exactly? I don't know.

A cold hard thought just now hit me. She usually starts her period about a week before I do. I know this because she talks about it all the damn time. For some reason, she always finds a way to let me know when she's on her period. She sneaks it into the conversation "I'm on my period so no white pants for me," or "the day I had to do my speech my period started!" Come to think of it, ever since my period resumed in June, I have been made acutely aware of every period she's had. Anyway, my point is this. Her cycle always starts several days before mine. Maybe 5 or 6 days. This month, hers hasn't started....and mine has. And mine was late. Maybe she's pregnant.

My work environment is so toxic. SO many babies. And I've told too many people IRL about the details of my struggle (just two at work, but two too many). I'm starting to subconsciously feel like I need to get pregnant just to measure up, to prove to them that I am as good as them, that I'm as healthy as them, as much of a woman, to be part of the club, to be "on track." This is of course total crap and I am constantly reminding myself of the real reasons I want kids. But sometimes I wish I could get away from it all. I really need a vacation.

But thank you AF, for coming to see me today. I would be lost without you. And now I'm not just one day closer but one whole almost perfect cycle closer. And for this I am truly grateful.

Paging Aunt Flow....tap, tap, tap,....is this thing on?

UPDATED

:(

Where is she? It's CD31. My first cycle this year she arrived in the afternoon on CD31. But the next cycle it was CD30. So technically she's not late. But my temperature climbed today - like triphasic style. And while she has given me every indication that she will get here eventually, I am not an optimistic person when it comes to matters of my ute.

Is she just late....or is the HCG back? And while IF'ers are all too familiar with the maxim that a positive pee stick doesn't mean a baby to bring home and love forever, I am in a position where a positive pee stick might not even mean a pregnancy. So I'm scared to pee on a stick. Or get my blood drawn. But there seems to be no reason to really worry until tomorrow.

Could I be pregnant? My boobs are sore. But isn't that an AF symptom? I'm not really sure, I haven't had enough AF's since stopping BCPs to know. I'm really tired. But I'm always really tired. Plus, while DH and I did BD during the time I O'ed, we used protection - religiously. And there was no indication of any protection failure.

I have all the telltale signs of AF...she's probably just being fashionably late. I didn't O 'til CD18 after all. But it's frustrating. It's around this time every month that I always fall into the idea of shortening The Wait so I don't have to go through this for too much longer. But I don't really think shortening The Wait would do the trick. Because if I really had been trying this month (or if we were going to start trying thiscoming cycle - which we're not), I'd still be worried. These pivotal days in my cycle will always be tense and the waiting will be difficult, trying or not, because now there's cancer in the mix.

I spent Saturday at a work barbecue. One of my friends had maintained the whole week prior that she wasn't bringing her 8 month old to the party and I had been kind of relieved. Finally a chance to just hang out, it won't be so hard to hide my jealousy if she doesn't bring her son. But she brought him. Of course. Somehow I knew she would. Was she telling me she wouldn't just to protect my feelings? And there were three additional babies in the group and one 6-months pregnant woman and a couple young kids. I held the babies, I ooo-ed and ahhh-ed, I wanted to kiss them they were so adorable but thought maybe that wouldn't be appropriate. I love kids. That's something I've realized about myself in the past couple years. I can't wait - not just to be pregnant and not just to have a baby - but to have a child. I haven't always been this way but now I am. With a vengeance. So where is my turn? Whenever I'm holding someone else's baby, I always start to think about how very possible an option adoption might be for me. I have baby fever. I'm in the thick of it. Probably even moreso than when we started trying last year. Logically it seems out of place. Why can't I just enjoy my otherwise blessed life? There are plenty of reproductively-healthy people who just don't want kids at all and for very good reasons. I thought I would grow up to be one of them. So why the change of heart? Whether it's biological or environmental I cannot stop thinking about it. I thought the forced break would be good for me in the sense that it would give me a chance to let go of the obsession for a while. But it has only made the yearning stronger. Every minute of every day for almost one year I have thought of nothing else. I think it's starting to get on DH's nerves and we haven't even started trying again. I make bitter remarks, I take every opportunity to hint at how excited I am to try again, I let him know every instance of his or my relatives telling us we need to get on it. I think he needs a break from it as much as I do. Luckily, there's at least one more month in The Wait, so hopefully I can discipline myself enough to just cool it.

Speaking of relatives hinting at getting to it...I also went to a traditional Greek memorial service for DH's dad this weekend. DH has a huge family. Several young adorable kids. One of whom belongs to DH's sister. I was chatting with SIL during the luncheon after church and when she asked which dessert I was thinking of getting I remarked that I really liked those little tea cookies with the powdered sugar on top but didn't see any which was funny because they seem to be at EVERY Greek function I've ever been at.

SIL: "Ohhh, yeah those are more for happy occasions, like weddings...and baby showers...and baptisms.....hint hint hint."

Me: "Oh, interesting. I didn't know that."

She actually said the "hint hint hint" part. Goddamnit, lay off. I find it so rude when people do this now that I totally shut off. Maybe they'll get the message. A message I never wanted to send: I'M TRYING HARDER THAN I'VE EVER TRIED FOR ANYTHING EVER IN MY LIFE AND I'M HAVING MORE THAN MY FAIR SHARE OF TROUBLE GETTING THE THING I WANT MOST IN THIS WORLD SO COULD YOU KINDLY RESPECT MY PRIVACY AND JUST ENJOY ME AND DH FOR WHO WE ARE?

This all would be a lot easier on me if AF would just show up already.

UPDATE

No, she hasn't shown up still. :( But I have RAGING PMS. :) I think. Or maybe I'm just tired and bitter on account of not having had a vacation in over a year and having so much trouble with this starting of a family thing. I am numb with rage lately over both of these things. Numb. This has to be PMS, right?

Anyway, the update is that infectious disease called me and, joy of joys, I don't have to go in for my appointment tomorrow because I was RIGHT (!) about my lyme disease test results. I read them correctly. They were negative. Negative negative negative. My PCP had insisted that one of them was positive. But it wasn't. It was negative, plain as day. So when I called my PCP last month to ask her whether she could re-read my results and tell me if I really needed to go to infectious diseases as she had recommended she should have said "no, as a matter of fact, you're right! You do have negative results. I'm so sorry at my ineptness at reading simple lyme disease results that even a layperson can read and for any inconvenience I may have caused you." Instead, as my regular readers may recall, she said I should still go in for a consult because my results were 'ambiguous,' and lyme disease is hard to diagnose. I doubted that she had looked again at the results as I had asked but not wanting to take any chances in these precious months leading up to TTC, I had made the appointment. And now I am free! And vindicated. And once again, disappointed at how truly inept medical 'professionals' can be. And how piss poor their communication is. And once again I have a doctor that I can't trust.

Vegas Baby!

The day didn't start out so well. I went on a 2 hour hike with DH and the dogs and nary a word was spoken (can you tell I'm BUI? when does anyone ever say 'nary'??) but for when I asked him what he was thinking and he said 'you probably don't want to hear it.' I figured it could be something about work or my spending habits or my alcohol intake - I've been on a 1-a-day plan for a while now. And I thought, fine. Don't tell me. Maybe I don't want to hear it. In the back of my head it occurred to me that this had something to do with kids. My heart sank and I got a little panicky at the thought. And I didn't ask him to elaborate. If he doesn't say it, it won't be real. Instead I joked with him "you're thinking how fat my a** looks?"

He smiled. "No" he said, he was thinking about how much he hates his job, blah blah blah. He's been saying this for seven years. I encourage him to leave his job. I even wouldn't combust if he straight up quit with no other prospects. He's a really industrious guy, has been working since he was 15 and he's a saver. He's smart with money, this is one thing I really trust about him. So if it's so bad that he thinks he needs to quit, he probably does. But he doesn't quit...he just complains. And dreams about moving back to Greece. His homeland. He has a house on an island and yearns for the simple life. Which would be nice but there are so many details to consider and I happen to think Greece can wait for us to retire. I think it would be better to bring our kids up in the US, especially while my parents are still alive. He just wants out. He often tells me that I'm the only reason he's still here. And I believe him. And it makes me feel like I'm holding him back. But his life isn't so bad.

Anyway, he started venting about it all even though I didn't ask him to elaborate, and at one point he said "and then later you have kids and you can't do sh*$." Petrification. That's what I felt. Even when he alludes to not wanting kids I pretty much want to freak out. And I hate how close minded he is. We just spent two days visiting adorable, happy, smart one year olds, he must have seen the looks on their parents faces. He must have felt the excitement I did. How could he say something like this? But then again, he had said "you have kids" like the decision was made. We would have kids, even if he sees it as something we would have to do a work-around on.

Later I tested the waters by reminding him that if he got our daughter's name tatooed on his arm (he's been thinking about this because any daughter that we may have will have his late mother's name) he'd have to get our second kid's name tatooed on him too. Was he ready for this commitment? He said he was. Success.

So then I got on a plane with my boss and landed in Vegas. Which I love....for 48 hours at a time. And what's the first thing I thought about when I got to my hotel room? It was this: Last time I traveled for work, I struggled with the idea all the wine that was offered during the trip. First class plane rides mean free drinks. Hotel rooms on the clients mean free minibar. My boss is a big wino so I don't have to hide my affinity. There is always wine offered (or practically required) at dinner. But I struggled last time because me and DH had been "trying" and there was a chance, albeit small, that I was pregnant. I had taken an HPT before I left and it was stark raving negative. So I had the glass of wine. But I got home and tested positive. And thus began the longest, realest nightmare of my life.

This time around I can drink. I can lift heavy luggage. I feel just fine and can stay awake all day. And I have no kids. I'm not a mom. By most definitions I'm not even a mom to be. And after a year of researching and learning all that can go wrong with a pregnancy, I am more incensed than ever that so many of my friends have had it so easy. On some level though, I guess it gives me hope that maybe, one day, it could be that easy for me. That my HCG will double. That my NT scan will be normal, that all those days and steps will fall into place and result in a healthy baby. The ignorance of everyone outside this community still enrages me. And yet, still makes me envious.

But for now, I shall enjoy the view from the top of the Bellagio.

Scared Straight

It's baaaaaaaaaaack.

My ticker, see?

Tonight I read one too many articles about mothers who die of placental cell tumors shortly after birth and chromosomal defects and miscarriages that could be related to MTX prior to conception. Nothing new. I told DH that we should wait until early November, just to be safe. He thought that would be a good idea. Now I'm accountable. I said it. Out loud. We're waiting. I actually feel relieved. The extra month will suck, but not as bad as all the anxiety that would ensue, whether rational or not, if I were to conceive in early Oct.

I am of course assuming we will conceive the first time in the sack. I actually have this feeling that we will. Probably because that's how it worked last time...last November. One year ago. We will be trying again on the same cycle we conceived last year. It could be a nightmare repeated, or it could revive my belief that the holiday season is the best time of the year. Time will tell. Until it does, I need to let this go. And focus on getting healthy. And living me some life.

Hope you all are having wonderful holiday weekends.

Babymaking's 101st Post!

What else would I start my post off with on this most momentous occasion, but a story about my dentist appointment? It's relevant, I promise. I looked around the waiting room when I first walked in and all I could think was "last time I was here, I was pregnant. I was so excited." That last visit had been my first time to that dentist so as I walked in this time I was thinking, I have only been in here - pregnant. I hadn't even told DH yet because I still couldn't quite believe it, I was about 4 weeks and 3 days. I had had to tell people at the dentist's office so they wouldn't give me xrays. This time, it saddened me a little, but it was also a little exciting because I am hoping that this was last time I would see it before I have a baby (well, other than that cavity I'm having drilled later this month).

Unfortunately, my worst fear about the appointment was realized. Worse than having a cavity, worse than that awful gritty toothpaste and xray cards that pinch the inside of your mouth - the fear that there would be some kind of explaining to do. And lo and behold, as soon as I was in the chair it was:

Hygienist: "Oh, you were pregnant last time you were here!"

Me: "I was."

Hygienist: "Did you have a little boy? Or a little girl?"

Me: "I didn't have a baby, I had a miscarriage."

Hygienist: "Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh that's so hard, I too have miscarried."

We talked a little more about it. A little more than I had intended. This stuff just weighs on me and I think I crave the opportunity to talk about it more than I realize. She had never heard of a molar pregnancy which didn't surprise me but depressed me a little bit (why why why did it happen to me?!) She was sympathetic and supportive but didn't use much discretion. As soon as the doctor came into the room she announced, "She had a miscarriage!" in a loud, almost jovial tone. What. the. fuck? I have no doubt that the whole office could hear it because there were no doors on any of the rooms and it's a tiny office. I don't know what prompted the announcement - maybe the doctor pointed at my chart and discreetly asked if I was still pregnant. She proceeded to explain to the doctor, and the rest of the office, that I was going to be trying again! I didn't understand. There's a reason I haven't told many people IRL about this. I don't want to be identified as the miscarriage girl or the pregnancy-cancer girl. I guess it doesn't matter so much in the dentist's office which I really only visit once a year, but I couldn't get my head around her approach.

Whatever. She was really nice about it otherwise. And she did a good job on my teeth. "At least my teeth will be in order," I said to her at one point to try to change the subject.

The day didn't get much better.

Even though I still maintain that my PCP is misreading my lyme disease test results, I made an appointment with "infectious diseases" to go over them. Mostly to put my mind at ease. I've been billing like it's 1999 lately so I'm less worried about taking time off to figure this out. But still, there are about 10 million things I would rather do with that time and the fact that there's a chance I might have to go on a course of antibiotics makes me anxious. Usually I play things safe - even getting the Lyme test in the first place was kind of a paranoid thing to do - but even in my compulsive perfectionism regarding my health, I think if "infectious diseases" give me the option to take prophylactic antibiotics, as I suspect they will (even if they don't think I have the infection) I will probably decline them. And by the way, shouldn't there be a more PC term for that department than "infectious diseases?" It sucks to have to call and make an appointment with infectious diseases. Or tell coworkers where you're going. Tell anyone "I have an appointment with infectious diseases today" and watch them jump 10 feet back and give you sideways glances all day. Or asking for directions - "which way is the infectious diseases department?" "Shouldn't you be wearing a haz-mat suit?" would be the only proper response. Anyway, so I'm going on the 15th which feels way too far away, I really want to put this issue behind me.

Back at work a co-worker was talking about how she didn't mind sitting in traffic because it was kind of a peaceful time away from her kids. I played along (in my bitterness) and mentioned that a lot of my new-mom friends felt that way - like walking home and other drawn out solitary tasks were the best part of their day. The co-worker spared no time in correcting me: "It's DEFINITELY not the best part of the day. The best part of the day is being with your kids." She said with conviction. Good. That's how it should be. But I'm still bitter.

Also, I got glasses. I have never worn glasses and thought I had perfect vision for the longest time. But then, I think I mentioned, I almost couldn't read the letters on the DMV eye test recently and began to realize that maybe the shooting pain in my left temple was eye strain. I'm starting to feel like one of those people who create medical issues for themselves just for the attention. I can't think of the name offhand. When I get a call from my medical center, I no longer automatically know that it's my OBG. It could be my eye doctor. Or my PCP. Or the oncologist (as if). Or infectious diseases. Good lord I am a mess. Not to mention my cavity. And being about a month away from possibly TTC I better get all these issues wrapped up.


Which brings me to the TTC front, I've deleted The Wait ticker. It's too much pressure. I don't need one more thing telling me I should wait until November if I really don't need to. I'm reminding myself of MeAndBaby lately. She said recently (and I'm paraphrasing, please correct me, MeAndBaby, if I misspeak) that her MO is that long before she actually consciously makes a decision, she starts taking steps that will facilitate what the decision actually will look like or result in. So before she's admitted the desired end result to herself, she has already started the process. I think this is what's happening to me. Logically I think I will resist trying again until Nov. 1. But I've noticed that I'm taking steps that will allow me to try again Oct. 1. For example, when the dentist asked when I wanted to come back for my filling I said "I don't care, it just has to be within 30 days." "How about the first week in October?" Me: "Is there anything earlier than that?" There was. And my concern of course was that I might be trying again in early October and don't want to be dealing with cavities and novocain injections.

Similarly, while I would usually postpone or forget about the whole lyme disease fiasco, I've decided to see it through and scheduled the appointment with enough time to do antibiotics if needed (although then there's the issue of whether I would need a washout period...).

Part of me wishes that I would have had no other option than to schedule my dentist appointment smack dab in the middle of October. Because then I wouldn't have to decide whether to start trying Oct. 1. I would just have to push back our trying again date to Nov. 1. And who knows, maybe something else will come up.

The other part of me thinks I need to get this show back on the road. I am cycling normally, O'ing, AF, everything happening like clockwork. I am healthy, by October 1 I will have been taking prenatals for almost 5 months. It will have been almost 5 months since my last MTX injection. It will be 3.5 months from when my HCG hit zero. Could I wait one more month? Yes. Will it make a difference as to the MTX washout or recurrence of GTD? It can't possibly. And I keep coming back to the idea that if this whole TTC thing goes wrong again (which I sort of expect it to), if I end up miscarrying or in beta hell, I want to get through that earlier rather than later so I can get to that point in the unforseeable future (but it has to be out there, right?) that I have a healthy pregnancy.