Dinner Party

DH and I threw our first real adult sophisticated dinner party - the kind where more wine is served than beer and where the food is from a cook book and the oven instead of the freezer or a pizza box - in my and DH's new house last night. Actually it's not really new. It was built in the 50's and we moved in a year ago but it still feels new to us and it was the first time we had done this. The dinner was a thank-you for the key players in the wedding, the people who threw our showers, bachelor(ette) parties, the MOH and best man, etc. So my parents were there, DH's sister and her family (one daughter, 9), my MOH and her SIL, and the best man (BM) and his family. Which includes his adorable wife and their 8 month old son. I knew this would be difficult in one way or another. On one hand I was hoping the baby would behave so DH wouldn't get scared of having one of our own. On the other, I wished on some level that he wouldn't be there because I knew he would be the center of attention and that would mean comments aimed in my general direction.

And so it went. The first heartbreak was when my parents arrived, earlier than anyone else, and asked who was coming. We mentioned BM's baby was coming and my mom literally jumped up and down. Oh I'm so excited, I was really hoping BM would be here so I could just ask about his new baby, and the baby's coming!?! Do you know how long it's been since I've held a baby?" And hold him she did. She was so happy. SO HAPPY. She had him on her lap and he'd reach for the dogs and if there are two things in this world that my mom's heart goes out to it's babies and dogs. I was thrilled to see her so happy. Genuinely. My mom is historically not the happiest person. She's a worrier like me and has her share of insecurities and has not always been happy in her marriage. This is all for another post. Maybe. The point is that it was a moment of uninhibited sheer primal happiness for her. And I could not stop wishing it was her own grandchild and trying to imagine a happiness 1000x greater crossing her face. I could not stop thinking that I had failed to live up to this, most important of challenges for daughters everywhere. And thinking how badly I wanted her to know that I was trying. And that we had come so close. I never told her about the m/c. I didn't want the disappointment I feel to burden them. I don't want my mom to internalize the ordeal, thinking it's somehow her fault. I may tell them someday. If things don't work out for a few years, I may have some explaining to do. And maybe if/when we have a baby, I'll be able to tell them at that point.

These moments weren't the worst though. Later came more direct comments from both my mom and my dad on independent occasions. For my mom it was in the kitchen before dinner, she was talking to the new mom about how close her parents lived to the baby and how nice that was. My mom goes: "That's what worries me, we're so far from here" - she lives 2 hrs away. I said indignantly and sort of sarcastically, "Why does that worry you? We don't have any babies." She says delicately, "But you might have some someday right? Don't you think?" "I don't know mom, maybe." I said. My voice rife with despair and disappointment which she probably, unfortunately, misinterpreted as immature annoyance at the question.

Later, after dinner, my dad said, while DH was holding the baby and having a wonderful time of it, "so when are you going to get one of those?" I deflected by announcing over the entire crowd "hey honey, my dad wants to know when we're going to get one of those." This wasn't fair, I know. I'm so angry about our situation and too often I unintentionally come off as blaming DH. Or as asking him to fix it somehow. I think I blame him for not being as enthusiastic as I am about the process and that's part of my anger at the whole thing, but in no universe of thought do I ever blame him for what happened to our first pregnancy. So it wasn't fair to imply that it was him that was holding us back. And that's not what I meant to imply, I simply meant to include him in the conversation because I was tired of fielding these questions by myself, but I'm afraid it came off badly. As soon as I said it there were some low-toned "oooooooh's" from the audience, like hey DH the pressure's on, what's he going to say? He had a fabulous answer. "As soon as you can retire and come babysit." Some 'oh!'s' from the crowd this time at his winning answer! DH is very witty. This was a perfectly appropriate answer. And to my delight, locked him in and made him accountable in front of his friends. He's going to have babies. Of course the thought of my dad providing the babysitting is ridiculous so that condition can be ignored, it was pure sarcasm. So all I heard was "soon."

Later I was talking to my MOH and very best friend since high school in the kitchen. She knows all about the m/c and all night kept looking at me and then looking at my belly with this "well?" look on her face. I just shook my head. At one point she asked if we were trying again. I was giving her the update in the kitchen. I confessed to her during the conversation that I thought I wanted a kid more than DH. She said "that's how guys are, it's the same with me and [her DH]." That made me feel better. I think she's right. It's like the wedding and the dog. He hated the idea of a wedding and was petrified about bringing a dog into our lives. And now he's thankful for both and completely and utterly in love with the dog. So the fact that he's supportive at all about the kids thing is a good sign. But it still infuriates me when conversations go like this:

DH: Your kids will be blah blah blah.

Me: You mean OUR kids.

DH: No, they're going to be your kids.

I know he's joking. Like the jokes about when the dog is misbehaving it's my dog. But it's one of those jokes that you feel you should qualify by saying: there's some truth to every joke.

I think MOH is right though. He's a guy's guy and I've known that from the beginning. And he really loved holding the baby last night. Even saying to him at one point "you want to stay here? I'll keep you."