My nails are breaking 'cause I haven't been taking my prenatals. My skin is ridiculous - it's breaking out everywhere. I'm afraid to be within 20 feet of anyone, and that's with makeup on. I can't make any sense of my BBTs or lack of symptoms. I cheated and had a glass of wine last night. So I am wondering about that - wouldn't I feel it if I had damaged my liver irreparably? Is that why I felt nauseous this morning, or was it hormones? Does alcohol have any affect on the efficacy of the MTX? I'm distracted at work and I really can't afford that these days. Sometimes I feel like I'm just losing it.
A friend of mine just announced on Facebook that she's in her third trimester. With three exclamation points. And her friends are all commenting on how much they loved feeling their babies kick and that of course the best is yet to come. This particular friend got pregnant one week before I did. She told really early in her pregnancy, at 7 weeks. And I remember wanting to say something about mine so so badly. But I waited. And I thought she was crazy for telling people right away, doesn't she know you're supposed to wait? And now she's doing fine. And I'm not. And I want to be happy for her. But I can't really get there. It's one thing to be happy for my co-workers who were pregnant before I was even thinking about it. But it's different when it's a 'due-date buddy' with no appreciation or even conception of what some people go through just to have a minute chance at the happiness and excitement she's experiencing. Blissful ignorance. It's hard to take.
But I'm strangely comforted by the fact that none of it really matters right now. There is no pressure to make a baby until this fall and whatever is going on with me right now should be resolved by then...right? I used to give myself checkpoints that turned out to be too soon in the future, thus setting myself up for failure. I want to be pg by this date when I see X. I want to be pg by this other date so I can announce it on mother's or father's day. I want to be pg by my original due date, that would help. And now it's a even farther off. We probably won't try again until September. July if things look particularly good. I want to make damn sure that I don't have to spend the whole pregnancy (god willing that there is a whole pregnancy) worrying that the MTX (or lack of folic acid) has affected the baby. So I will wait. No pressure on me, no pressure on DH. He'll come back from his sabbatical missing me like crazy and wanting a family. And maybe it will work out this time.
The unfortunate thing about nothing mattering until September-ish is that I really can't shake the idea that truly, nothing matters. Like I wish I could skip to then, skip four or five months of my life. Wipe it away. It sounds a little like depression. Can I just stay in bed until the next time there might be a some hope that my life will turn out ok? I'm not asking for a guarantee here. Just a glimmer of hope. Or even less, as long as it's there.
At least I have hope. I am not an optimist. It makes me good at my job to not be. I'm a natural born 'glass is half empty' kind of girl. But still I have hope in this case, somehow. A desperate blind kind of hope that I usually don't permit myself to have, lest I get disappointed. But in this case, I allow myself the hope because the idea of not being able to have a child is so awful that I'm more afraid to conceptualize the possibility of failure than I am of disappointment. I think what I lack is perspective. The conviction that life is worth it, even without a child. It's especially ok for four months. Patience. Just when I think I've offered up all the patience I can muster, I have been slapped in the face with another delay, completely out of my control. And there could be more delays. Many more. And I've been learning from this. And I will probably be able to let things go easier from now on. But why now? Why does it have to be this singular, most important desire in my life that I am to learn these difficult lessons from? A desire for something so seemingly natural and intrinsic to the life of a woman. Something so universal and respected and embraced. Maybe because if it wasn't something this important, I wouldn't care enough for it to be a real lesson.
14 years ago
3 comments:
I stumbled across your blog and just wanted to say "HI" and I feel some of your pain!
FB is the absolute worst. I have had to cut back on the time I spent after I broke down reading about so many people's pregnancies and kids. Kinda like self-imposed torture! This was ONE thing I had control over.
I cannot imagine the amount of patience that it takes to take a 4-5 month delay. I almost lost it when my dr told me I might have to get on BC pills for 3 months. I hope that your day gets better and that you find a way to enjoy your weekend.
Blogging has been so theraputic for me and especially meeting other people who have gone through and continue to go through the same feelings that I have.
Tina
Hi, from Lost and Found!
I'm so sorry about your mc. I went back and read your post. I had a similar experience in many ways. Got pregnant, didn't tell anyone, a co-worker announced his wife's pregnancy when she was like 2 months, our due dates would have been a week apart. I carried 11 weeks. Ultrasound showed baby bean stopped growing at 7 weeks. No heartbeat.
It is the pain that must remain silent that is the worst.
Anyway, hang in there and good luck! We're all in this together.
Hello friend, happy to see you made it on LFCA! Hang on to the hope and to the infertility/loss community and you will see that the waits are worth it.
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