Dx: persistent trophoblastic tissue

I keep wondering if I've hit bottom. I thought maybe a m/c would be it. Like now that I've weathered this devastating storm, I've lost a baby.

"I'm distraught, and confused and more disappointed than I think I have ever been. Things can only get better, right?"

Wrong.

"Well than at least they won't get worse, I can count on that, right?"

No.

"Well then how 'bout four months later when my betas were still positive and I was told I would need a shot of chemo. Chemo is cancer treatment, and we won't be able to try again for months so this must be the bottom right here."

Nope, keep going.

"Well then how 'bout here, I need more chemo, maybe a lot more, I'm afraid that there's a non-zero chance that I have something incurable...is this the lowest it will get? Is this the singular most depressing and scary place I will have to inhabit during my TTC process? Or is it only the tip of the iceberg? ...."

...[no answer]....


Yesterday was tough for me. I really had to make an effort to get through every hour. It was like I had to trick my mind into thinking the tasks were smaller than they actually were. Here's how it went.

"I need to edit this agreement and draft a cover letter before I leave, can I do that?"

No, no chance. There is no way you can get through that without erupting into a puddle of tears.

"Well how about if I just print the agreement?"

Ok sure, hit print.

"Can I walk to the printer and pick it up?"

Give it a shot.

"Ok, got it. Now. Can I read the first paragraph?"

And so it went.

Today my eyes feel dry. Like I've cried too much and not gotten enough sleep.

What a difference 6 little points can make.

I spoke to my Dr. finally. She told me she had just gotten out of labor and delivery. Fan-freaking-tastic. In her defense, she did mention it would be me "up here" some day.

Diagnosis is persistent trophoblastic tissue. How specific, right? She talked to the specialist who thinks there's no reason to suspect anything else. But what else could it be? That pretty much covers a lot of things. Some more scary than others. The specialist (a gynecologic oncologist) said there was no need for me to see him. No need for a body scan (to see whether the persistent trophoblastic-ness [read: cancer] has spread) which both comforts and scares me at the same time. Shouldn't we do a scan, just in case? What would the harm be? She also said that if we don't treat it with MTX now and consistently, it could get more difficult to treat. Coriocarcinoma? Is it that? Why can't people just be straight with me? Haven't I been through enough?

I am now supposed show up for weekly MTX injections until the HCG is zero. Which means also weekly metabolic workups and twice weekly HCG draws. I'm starting to wonder whether I should take medical leave and just sleep in my car outside the lab. Even after HCG is zero (if it ever gets there) I will need to do weekly HCG draws to make sure it doesn't start growing again. What an effing clusterF! The pregnancy wasn't molar, or so said the pathology report (isn't it possible to miss partial molars?) but this sounds suspiciously like the maintenance of a molar pregnancy. Only stranger, because aren't like 80-90% of molars 'cured' by a D&C? Maybe one MTX injection? WTF have I gotten myself into?

True, 15 is low. I am hoping one more MTX will do it. But I feel so defeated. As of now there is no date set for resuming TTC. It will all depend on the outcome of this chemo regimen. I can say that it will not be within the next six months. I can't really believe this is happening to me. This is really rare. Why why why? And will it happen again? Why can't my body just do its thing, get rid of it? IT'S OVER.