Nothing good comes easy 3.27.09

Today is 12 weeks from the D&C. I should be pg again by now. Or, if I was good, I would be getting to try again now. But I’m neither. My HCG Wednesday was 27. This is a huge improvement over the 40’s I was in a few weeks ago. But of course not enough and with room for another plateau. I’m hoping for the best. Interestingly, I’m starting to get more (not less) hurt by the process as it wears on. More hurt by my co workers' new babies, by pictures of my friends’ kids. It’s overwhelming how much I think about it. The kind of thoughts that you just can’t control. And I bring it up with DH even though I know he doesn’t really want to hear about it. In part I think he doesn’t want to discuss it because he feels helpless and maybe like he doesn’t have much to offer. In part it’s also his approach to life – don’t worry about things you can’t control. Third, I think he doesn’t want to hear BDing equated with too much technical medical stuff. And fourth, I think it makes him feel inadequate on some level. So it’s kind of a lonely process. I can’t vent to anyone safely. I don’t want to get too deep into it with co-workers, even the two close ones that know about this whole ordeal. I don’t want to burden DH with it because I want him to remain positive about the babymaking process. Hopefully the slate will be wiped clean soon. A clean slate is something I appreciate now more than ever, like being able to even try again would be a momentous gift. I never lose sight of the fact that it could be much much worse. I could have lost the baby at 6 or 8 months. Or could have had a severely disabled child. Or I could be dealing with fertility problems other than just one m/c. But as a friend reminded me yesterday, it could be a lot easier too.

What's wrong with peeing on a few sticks? 3.24.09

The week after the 49 they were 43. So that’s roughly a two week change of -1. Or “no change.” I asked about whether a molar or partial molar was possible. Dr. said based on a ‘very valid’ pathology report, she thought the chances of that were close to zero. I choose to believe her this time. But she did read me the riot act about my tracking HCG with HPTs. I keep insisting that the levels have never been zero and that this is HCG from the first pregnancy. I want her to recognize this and start treating it like an abnormally long wait instead of a normal got pg twice scenario. What if it was molar? The levels really haven’t moved appreciably in almost 3 weeks! This is not normal. Well it could be but it’s pretty unusual, based on my admittedly flimsy but thorough google research. Her explanation: the HPTs can give false positives and I didn’t check HCG in between my weekly HPT tests (actually I did, just too afraid to admit how obsessive I’ve become) and therefore I could be pg. She felt it necessary to add that what I’ve been doing is a science experiment and “unfortunately you’re doing it with your own body.” Whatever, I’m not jeopardizing my health or gambling with a baby here. I’m not harming myself, I’m just trying to be well-informed. She absolutely does not appreciate this fact or the notion that further criticism is not helpful in my fragile state. This is an absolutely disheartening process to be so happy and hopeful and then so crushed and then to realize that the loss was only the beginning of this cycle of frustration and anger and sadness and jealousy and fear. It really weighs on me every second of every day. More so than the pregnancy ever did. And has made me considerably more depressed.

Shortly after I got the 43 result my BBTs which I’m not supposed to still be taking acc to the dr. started dropping appreciably. This made me feel a lot better. Seriously, I went to the bathroom, turned the light on to check the thermometer, and "that's the way (uh-hu uh-hu) I like it" went off in my head. I’m glad I kept taking them. BBTs fall shortly before AF. Always. That’s based on science. So hopefully I’m getting closer. I mean I must be right? In the meantime we’re using condoms. I really am desperate to get this sorted out and am more resigned to the idea that it could be months, rather than weeks, before we can try again.

My best work friend had her baby this week. I am so jealous. But excited for her definitely. But the jealousy is more acute than any jealousy I’ve felt ever. It actually physically hurts. And the deeper into this quagmire of uncertainty over my own biology I get, the worse it hurts. Every day that passes is another day more abnormal that my situation has become. Even if/when I get pg again, I don’t think this haze will lift. I think I will not really consider myself ‘pg’ again until week 15ish w/ a strong hb. Then even as I announce it to co-workers in week 20 (I imagined this the other day) it would still be with a little anguish rather than excitement. I can’t believe another of my co-workers told at 8 weeks w/o even an u/s. I just can’t imagine that. And I’m so glad I don’t have to listen to another of my co-workers who just left on maternity complaining about pregnancy anymore. It’s all getting really difficult. Why me?

More beta work tomorrow. It feels like I’ve waited a year and a half since the last draw. HPTs are still faintly positive. Annoyingly. So def over 20.

Turns out the m/c was just the beginning 3.10.09

I’ve been avoiding this blog. I hate re-living the first time I knew I was pregnant, it makes me sad. But I’ve come back to check on early symptoms. I’ve been tracking my HCG down from 53K (day of D&C), I started having pretty substantial period type pains and finally called the dr. ‘cause this whole process is getting ridiculous. It’s 68 days past the procedure and there has been NO bleeding, breakthrough or otherwise, very little CM, and no other symptoms except for the cramping. So immediately I’ve started to freak out about Asherman’s. So I called, and the Dr. told me to come in and get a couple beta tests. On Wed it was 44. Then I tested Friday. 44 Again. Her theory was that I had gotten down to zero at some point, gotten pg again, and am now miscarrying, Wed having been the incline and Fri having been the decline. W/ respect I tried to protest that my levels have not ever been at zero. I’ve been taking tests every four fucking days and not one has come back true negative. So I have to think that they’re plateauing at 44 which seems more probable than her theory given how long its taken for the levels to come down thus far. I mean really? We just happened to catch the peak of a new pregnancy? The other theory of course is the converse of hers. That I was coming down toward zero, O was triggered, and I’m now PG and HCG is going back up. I will find out any minute what the new number is. Best case scenario, over 100 (new pregnancy, hormones are where they should be). Next best, under 44 (still trending down, albeit slowly). Worst would be 70-ish, like yes there’s a new pregnancy, but it’s not growing correctly. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hope for the first scenario. But I am so convinced that I will be disappointed.

Results: 49. Damn. She thinks it could be a new, unsuccessful pregnancy or a lingering piece of tissue. I think the latter. I would hope a new one just now starting to take off. But that seems less likely. She wants me to come in for more testing next week. Will do.

At this point I’ll be more disappointed if they do go up a little more than if they go down. I don’t want this to be a second failed pregnancy. If they go up a healthy amount I’ll feel better than I would if I’d won the lottery. Because I think it’s just about as likely that they will.

Trying again, if that's possible at this point 3.4.09

Didn’t seem to help to try the first cycle. I’m elated at my first almost negative HPT, praying for AF to come. Read that sentence again. Who would have thought? Elated. I took a blood test today too, after obsessing enough to call my Dr. and get myself in trouble for having unprotected BD before my first two periods. As I suspected, she didn’t have a reason for that.
For the last week and a half I’ve had period like symptoms but no period. SO the next hurdle to overcome is the prospect of Asherman’s. Dr did nothing to dissuade my fear of this. I’m so irritated. Particularly because as I was lying back to have the procedure done in Jan. she said to me “people will tell you there are some risks of scarring or infection, but don’t even think about it. Don’t even think about it.” But now it’s entirely possible? That was not informed consent. Particularly because I inquired as to the advantages and disadvantages of the various options for helping the miscarriage along. And my elation is just about squelched by my continuing frustration by my situation. PRAYING for AF. Luckily DH has been really behind me this whole time. I just hope it lasts. I have so much angst over getting pg again. I’d love to be on a schedule regular enough to direct him. But I can’t help but wish I was still going to have my baby come August.

Aftermath 1.9.09

This has been maybe one of the worst 7 days of my life. Relatively speaking. Like how much disappointment and anxiety can you squeeze into seven days. Last Friday the m/c and “minor surgery,” then no work, then awkward dinner with a client and a couple senior co-workers at which I almost fainted and end up not being able to eat much of my gourmet meal. Plus I had to excuse myself to the bathroom twice in one hour. One time for an extended stay during which I had my head between my legs trying not to pass out and panicked, wondering if I'd snap out of it. And the whole thing about the partner not inviting anyone but me was bizarre and stressful and made me ask an associate to come and thus put the associate in an awkward uncomfortable, unbillable position. Then today our salaries get frozen.

Also I called my dr this week re: resuming sex and ttc. They said wait 2 weeks before sex, 2 cycles before ttc. My Ass. I’m not waiting two cycles. I probably won’t use b/c on the first cycle. Though I think I can refrain from actively trying until after my first period. I’m already charting again. My temps are about 1 deg higher than the were pre d&c but that may be because my waking time is one hour later. Or it may be because I had minor surgery or because my hormones are in turmoil or another billion reasons why. I’m so sad not to be pregnant. I don’t cry anymore but I’m kind of mad at the world and yesterday my co worker said I seemed morose – she thought it was because I didn’t have work but I was perusing her baby book at the time (she just came back yesterday from maternity). I know it’s cliché but I want a baby SO bad!

I’m afraid to tell DH about the salary freezes and the layoffs even though it would make good conversation because I’m afraid he’ll decide we shouldn’t have a baby right now and he won’t be interested in trying. Fortunately his job is going well, he’s really in demand right now. I just don’t need another disappointment in my life. Even the wedding is kind of a let down. I can’t get excited about it – or the showers this weekend – because I thought I would be going through it all with the knowledge that my baby was alive and safe and that the whole world was about to find out about it. And that would’ve been ok.

Instead I’m frustrated, tired of waiting, sad about the setback, and spending tons of money on the wedding that I won’t even enjoy because it can’t be everything I had imagined at this point. I had imagined our baby would be there too. And that the aftermath (telling everyone) would be even more exciting than the day itself. Now it all seems pretty superficial. I’ve even noticed a depressed effect on my shopping. It could be subconsciously I’m responding to the economy or that I really don’t need any more stuff, but I think it has a lot to do with the fact that once you have a baby growing inside you, nothing else seems quite as important. I just pray I’ll be able to have a baby survive – and now I know how miraculous and wonderful that would feel. And I won’t take it for granted. So that’s good, but it makes me so sensitive and judgmental about people who raise the topic at inopportune times or make light of it or complain, and I would hate to turn into one of those people reminding everyone else of how lucky they are. I just want to be there.

My symptoms have been abating, also sad. My breasts don’t hurt as much, I don’t feel as sick, I don’t have all the food aversions and cravings that I used to, I don’t need as much sleep, my belly is getting softer. But my Hcg levels were pretty high for an early m/c – 52,000 – so it may take forever to return to my normal cycle. But I feel glad I’m charting so I’ll know and so if I do get pg right away I’ll be able to date it. There doesn’t seem to be any real evidence that trying right away raises your chance of m/c. It seems like if your body is healed and ready it will conceive and if not, it won’t. I think the only way I’ll make DH wear a condom is if my HPTs are still positive by the time we’re allowed to resume intercourse again next Friday. I don’t want HPTs to be come meaningless. That would be difficult. But then again, I have the charting. Thank god – something to make me feel in control of something. Everything else is a cluster F.

Here’s something interesting saying "why wait:"
Author(s): Wyss P ; Biedermann K ; Huch AAffiliation: Clinicand Policlinic of Obstetrics, University Hospital of Zurich,Switzerland.Title: Relevance of the miscarriage-newpregnancy interval.Source: Journal of perinatal medicine. (JPerinat Med) 1994; 22(3): 235-41Additional Info: GERMANYStandard No: ISSN: 0300-5577(Print); NLM Unique Journal Identifier: 0361031Language: EnglishAbstract: There is a wide divergence of opinionconcerning the interval a woman should wait after a miscarriage beforeattempting a new pregnancy ("pregnancy interval"). Many authorsrecommend waiting 3-4 months in order to reduce the risk of anothermiscarriage [3, 6, 17, 21]. This retrospective study investigatedwhether a longer pregnancy interval lowers the risk of repeatmiscarriage (R-risk) and/or prematurity. The association between parityand R-risk was also analyzed. Results showed that there are no provenreasons to recommend a waiting period between a miscarriage and asubsequent pregnancy, because the R-risk was around 20% irrespective ofinterval duration. Prematurity too is not influenced by a waitingperiod after miscarriage. There was, however, an association betweenparity and R-risk and risk of prematurity: nulliparae were more likelyto have a repeat miscarriage (p < class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_42">thenext pregnancy (p < class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_43">achild.

There is no baby 1.3.09

Little did I know, it was the first scan that I should have been worried about. I was so convinced everything was fine. ALL the symptoms were there – breast soreness, food cravings/aversions, nausea, I was 11 weeks along without any spotting or cramping, my uterus was growing, I really didn’t expect a bad result in my heart of hearts. And neither did my doctor. Who is awesome, btw. She was talking to me about symptoms to expect in the next trimester and how she was going to print out photos of the little one to show DH, who couldn't be there, and the next minute we were looking at a dark ultrasound screen. There was a yolk sac (the drs said it was enlarged and thus, abnormal) and an embryo that looked like it had stopped growing at about 5 weeks – it was a dot, we could barely see it. There was no heartbeat and no way the pregnancy was viable. In just a fraction of a second, my dreams were crushed. It wasn’t as trite as that, I was on a high high provoked by finally getting to see the big day and the ultrasound and being convinced that all the symptoms I’ve been suffering from for so long are good signs, the dr. telling me as soon as we see the heartbeat we’ll be 95% in the clear for the rest of the pregnancy. She really didn’t qualify her words at all. I had showered and shaved and lotioned for the appointment. And then we were looking at the ultrasound and there was no fetus. Not knowing exactly what I was looking for at this stage, I kept hoping it was hiding or that there were other places she could look. But as she kept looking, and when she brought in a second dr. (routine second opinion) who was a little more direct, it became clear to me that it would be obvious if things were ok. The dr. was very sweet. When we found out she put her arm around me and gave me lots of time to make up my mind about what to do. At the same time she offered to do a D&C the same day so I could move on with my life. She gave me time to think about that too. I still felt rushed in a lot of ways though. Rushed to get my head around the nightmare that had just happened. I felt so resistant as I was looking into that screen. Like I could prevent the worst by hoping hard enough or being defiant or by waking up. I was supposed to be walking out w/ renewed hope and the most amazing little pictures that had ever been taken of me and instead I was crying to DH on the phone, telling him there is no baby, crying in the lobby trying to decide whether to do d&c with or without general anesthetic.
I decided on local for two reasons – 1) so my dr. could perform it in her office, the same office my exam had been in, she made me feel SO comfortable, and 2) because I hate the idea of being put to sleep. It was such a simple procedure – the injections of local were unbelievably painful but I think I would do it the same way again if I had to. And I may have to. I took a valium before hand and then could get up and leave pretty much as soon as it was done. The only ramifications today are soreness in my inner thighs (weird) and having to take an arsenal of medications – antibiotics and uterine collapsers and anti bleeding meds.
The dr. didn’t seem interested in my mom’s several m/c’s until after we saw the ultrasound. I’m not sure if she was grasping for reasons (probably for my sake if she was) or if this was now a genuine concern. I don’t know if I feel comfortable asking my mom for details. Especially since it’s not supposed to be genetic. It's supposed to be the luck of the draw. Though of course there are confounding genetic factors that can make m/c more likely. So now of course I’m scared of those.
And I’m angry. Angry that it’s not as easy for me as it is for my friends. Angry that I have no answers, just ‘better luck next time.’ Angry that the office made me wait so damn long to find out that my pregnancy had stopped one week after I found out about it. I went through the entire holiday season not only not drinking, but trying to hide the fact that I was sick too. It was miserable. I’ve probably raised suspicion at work, I’ve lost hours to morning sickness, and it wasn’t worth it in the end.
I am really glad I didn’t tell many people. REALLY glad. I wanted to tell my parents at certain points, and I also wanted to buy maternity clothes and open my books, but something told me – just wait. Wait to throw out all the facial products w/ salicylic acid, wait to buy the best belly butter, wait to look at where I should register. And you better believe I’ll be even more cautious next time.
I’m really upset I didn’t have an earlier appointment and hopefully next time, the dr’s will take this concern seriously.

Holidays, a wedding, and angst all the while 12.23.08

The nausea sucks because it doesn’t go away. It ebbs and flows. I’m now 9 weeks, 5 days. Almost 10 weeks. The dr appointment still seems eons away because there are still two holidays to get through. I hate the thought of “getting through” the holidays – these are my favorite ones. I should be excited and enjoying them. Instead I’m depressed, anxious, scared of being ‘found out’ etc.
I’m really scared of genetic abnormalities on the NT scan. I’m scared I’ll conclude that I have to get a CVS which may cause miscarriage and will definitely cause angst, discomfort, pain, days off work, etc. But then again they resolve a lot of mysteries. But then again it's frustrating because I keep reading about these accurate non-invasive genetic tests that won’t be available until a year or two from now. I even emailed the senior researcher on one of the studies to see how I could get ahold of the test (no response). I’m so used to this pregnancy being a secret, it’ll be weird when people know. Probably better since it will be all excitement and none of this isolation and discomfort and fear. But there are still obstacles to get through. I dreamed last night I miscarried. I dreamed it was happening. And DH woke me up and told me I was yelling in my sleep. This anxiousness + wedding planning + going down on Zoloft dose + sickness is really making for a bad couple months.
We’re spending xmas w/ my mom and dad and a few friends. It’ll be fun, I just wish I could drink. Really bad.
I think the sickness is getting better. I haven’t thrown up in a while. I’m taking less vitamins (more worry) because they seem to trigger vomiting. And I’m getting to puffy for my pants. I got my dress altered this week. Shouldn’t be a problem, but who knows. I still have 4+ weeks to go. I have got to get back to working out. I haven’t even been able to walk the dog as much with the sub zero temps and feeling faint and sick all the time. I’m really tired. Always. And faint.
DH and I went to apply for our marriage license today. They made us say an oath and everything. And then they gave me some hand-outs. One of them is about having babies. Pre-natal care basically. Like oh, you’re getting married, you’ll need this. It is in the state’s interest to have healthy people born into it.
Going home.

Morning sickness has officially hit 12.6.08

I’m watching Sex and the City: the movie. Its funnily similar to my own life. The 10-yr relationship, the guy not interested in the wedding, the fakest part of the movie is Big bailing on the wedding. It was out of character. The real ending is that we get married and live pretty happily ever after. Charlotte is pregnant, Samantha gets a little dog, Miranda is too busy working to have a life and holds it against everyone.
I like the movie, a lot.
DH called at 5pm (yesterday he said he’d be home before it ‘got late’) to say he might not be home ‘til tomorrow. I have been nauseous since Friday night and have just wanted him to hold me and ask if I need anything. And he knows this and he still suggested that he might not come home til tomorrow. And then decided to come home tonight only after I got upset. So now I feel guilty, like I forced him to do something he didn't want to by being a baby.
So about the nausea. I’ve had it ever since last night. I was projectile vomiting into the toilet for several minutes. It felt as bad as any throwing up episode in my life. Shaky, tearing, coughing, worried that I’ll choke myself. I threw up everything. And then I didn’t eat anything and stayed in bed for 10 hours instead. Which made me sicker. And when I got up I still felt sick. I ate a little all day, frequently. And got Sea Bands. But I still have felt sick. At the dog park, I couldn’t run around w/ the dogs and I felt like I might have to sit down once. Now, after I’ve eaten dinner, I’m feeling worse again. So I have morning sickness. Great harbinger of a healthy baby. Being sick makes me afraid and sad and I direct it all to the pregnancy. Esp w/o DH around. I’m looking fwd to being a mom. But what I told my currently pregnant friend is true. Being pregnant is dreadful. I worry that this will go on and interfere with family gatherings, with the wedding, etc. And I’m tired. Of worrying. Of being alone. I’m going to bed.

Ah, the first tri II 12.2.08

They say morning sickness is a sign of a healthy pregnancy and having it reduces your chances of m/c. All these statistics are making my head spin. I mean, having morning sickness itself can’t possibly reduce the chances of m/c. Having a healthy pregnancy, which commonly results in the amount of hormones that cause m/s makes it less likely that you’ll m/c. The friend that had the m/c, we'll call her A, had no m/s but neither did my other friend B who had a healthy baby. I can’t tell if I have it. Its one of those things where I feel like I would be able to tell. I am “only” 6.5 weeks so it’s possible that it hasn’t hit yet. I do get pretty queasy if I don’t eat for a long time. I think I have less of an appetite. But nothing obvious, no puking, etc.
I’m scared not to have an u/s until my 12th week. Mostly because the window for termination is closing at that time, I won’t have much time to think about what to do if things don’t look good ‘cause I’ll be on the verge of announcing the pregnancy or having it announce itself (if it hasn’t already).

Work blows, I’m always in a bad mood, except I like hanging out w/ friends and I like xmas shopping and walking the dog (tho I’m increasingly intolerant of waking up so early, I am NOT getting enough sleep). My boobs hurt a LOT. We started taking pictures for the pregnancy progression. I’m craving weird salty fatty foods like buttered toast and pizza or anything w/ melted cheese. It’s so strange. I’ve gained a couple lbs which I think is bad ‘cause I’m not supposed to gain yet. At least not much. Ab is still firm, lots of heartburn.
Being on 25mg of Zoloft hasn’t been so bad, thankfully. I’m getting over the little spastic frights I had when I first went down. I don’t know about going off completely tho, I’m going to wait until 2d tri. It seems so far away, like time is just crawling. Every day, every hour w/o bleeding or cramping is an accomplishment. This is crazy.

Ah, the first tri 11.21.09

Still pregnant I guess. I’ll probably take another test when I get home since I won’t be able to temp easily on the trip and I really wanna make sure. This is crazy, right?
I ate a deli meat sandwich today after taking out the meat – actually I only had one bite before I started to freak out about listeria. I’m starting to get hyper-paranoid. I’m even thinking of going of Zoloft even though all the anecdotal evidence seems to be that it’s absolutely fine and in some cases good to have. I know it’s great for my work but I also know I’ve gotten stronger and braver on my own and there’s a chance I would do ok without it. I don’t have to go off ‘til week 20 to avoid the increased risk of PPHN. That’s nice. I’m going to try a consistent 25mg dose for a few weeks and see what happens. I don’t want to get too stressed in my first tri since the anxiety itself can cause m/c.
Off to plan the wedding this weekend. My mom’s coming. Its fun to see people for the first time since knowing I’m pg. Like it’s a fun little secret and I can imagine their faces when they find out. I wonder if people will suspect anything at the house party I'm going to this weekend since I’m such an alcoholic most of the time. I would hate that. Of course for the reason that if I have a m/c I don’t want to have to explain it to anyone. But also, for some reason I really want to blind side people with the news. I don’t want them to already know. That’s weird. Why would I care? It’s almost like ‘hiding it’ is a challenge I can succeed in or fail and naturally, I want to succeed.

Hasta. Happy Friday!

Telling DH 11.19.08

I went through with the plan. Poor DH had had a rough day. So he comes home to a shoebox and gets annoyed, and I make him open it and he goes “who are these for…..[I have this enormous smile on my face] ….are you pregnant?” It was almost an “oh crap” realization which was less than I had hoped. But it was a huge surprise and he came around quick.
He asked again about eating meat, asked about names again, he wants a boy, clearly. He was far too practical about it. And so was I. I told him I was scared. He said I’d be ok. By the time we were in bed tho he was being super cute, telling the dog we were getting another baby, etc. And then, when he and I were both half asleep he said – none of this divorce stuff when we have a kid. You promise? And I said yes. Too tired to remind him that I would promise soon enough during our wedding. And then later, really sleepy now, he said “thanks for having my baby.” I said “thanks for being my baby daddy.”

I’m still terrified of miscarriage. And I’m getting worried about how dark my HPT lines are (not particularly dark, tho I’ve not been using FMU, I test when I get home from work, it’s pretty dilute). Also, no m/s yet. Just waaaay slowed down metabolism. I won’t feel like food for a long time. And then I’ll be STARVING and scarf something really filling and rich like a brownie or raviolis or pesto laden panini. With avocado. I have almost no interest in my usual standbys like granola bars and rice crispy treats and chocolate. Now what I want is real food, I guess. Maybe it’s that age old – when I’m sick, I treat myself to real food ‘cause it’s not as often that I’m hungry. Maybe I feel like I can ‘let go’ a little. Or maybe I’m finally sick of those old standbys.

Symptoms today: heartburn, menstrual-like cramps, no real discharge, temps are up and I’ve finally discovered that this is the origin of the ‘glow’ of pg women. It’s ‘cause their flushed from higher temps. It’s definitely not the great skin. Tho my skin isn’t that bad. I’m generally low on symptoms – I don’t feel that pg except for heaviness in my pelvis and a little swollen down there. Like my hip bones are already disappearing. I’m just a little hungrier between ‘feedings.’ I am super tired and pee more often than normal, if that’s possible. 5 weeks tomorrow. Maybe it’s too early for super symptoms still. I’m a little distressed at not knowing anything – and knowing I won’t know anything until Jan 2. I know I’ll be risking letting people know by going to xmas parties before then. I want to talk to my co worker about nanny sharing, I have several get togethers w/ my PARENTS, there’s a lot to give up if its all for naught. But of course I have to assume everything is fine. There’s not much I could do anyway unless there was an m/c and I needed a d&c. And I think I’d know about it ‘cause id most likely have bleeding, temp drop, etc. Though a friend of mine didn't find out she'd had a m/c until she went in for her routine 8 or 9 week checkup. Like a ‘missed’ m/c.

I have a lot of hope though, which says a lot for someone who is so un-optimistic. Also, the advice I wanted to give that same friend is true in my case now too – at least we know everything is ‘working’ down there.

PREGNANT!! 11.18.08

I have tested positive for three days now. I’m officially 4 weeks and 5 days. Not very far and not very ‘official’ but pregnant, nonetheless. For the first 48 hrs of knowing I felt a lot of fear and apprehension, primarily aimed at the risk of miscarriage and, to a larger degree, the fear of delivery. I tried to go down on Zoloft (which i have taken for about two years at 50 mg) but decided I don’t need any extra anxiety in my life in the next couple weeks and it wouldn’t be good for the baby’s chances so I went to alternating between 50 and 25 each day. I must have taken about a dozen HPTs in the last three days (sometimes three a day). Just to make sure. Time is inching by. I haven’t been able to sleep much, and it’s still my own secret. I haven’t told DH. I've only told the dentist so they wouldn’t x-ray me. But even w/o the xrays the whole time in the dentist chair I was stressing ‘cause I hate the feeling when they brush your teeth and I was tense and trying to force myself to relax and maybe not doing the best job. I really enjoyed the little microcosm at the dentist of people talking about my “baby” and when is it due and stories of their own. I felt instantly better. But now it’s back to solitary. I’m going to test every other day for a few days (right!) and tell DH just before we go away this weekend. I got a card and everything. I kinda feel like want to keep it to myself until there’s no risk, but of course that time will never be. I will be 9 days past my first trimester at my wedding so no need to tell anyone and probably no need for a new dress. Tho I am thinking of telling my BFF since she’s coordinating my bridal activities and will notice right away and will be hurt if I don’t tell her and will be an awesome source of support no matter what happens. The other individuals I may have to tell are my parents since I’ll be going through my dad’s bday and xmas without drinking (rare for me). Or maybe I’ll fake it through, take a couple sips, make DH drink the rest….they might suspect but so be it.
I’m a little concerned about genetic testing which I guess can’t be done until the 2d trimester (so says my dr. although I’ve heard of earlier tests). But I’m still in my 20’s and pretty healthy. So I don’t really know what they’d tell me that I don’t already know – you have a very very very small chance of having a baby w/ DS.
Ok, now I have to find a way to focus on work.. I really need a stable job now. It’s been a bit of a problem for the one day I’ve known but its also kinda fun having a secret. Symptoms aren’t that distracting, its just the knowledge of how life is about to change.
Symptoms include fatigue (though I can’t yet tell if its worse than normal or if I’m just losing more sleep over the excitement), an increased ‘awareness’ of my uterus for lack of a better description – it doesn’t really hurt, just feels heavy, swollen to the touch, tiny tiny crampie feelings that don’t hurt much and are kind of reassuring that something is actually going on down there, boobs are sensitive but not that bad, not that sore. Heartburn and nausea only very very occasionally. I’m sure those will get worse.
Dr appt not until Jan 2. which freaks me out frankly. I have an OB (she refuses to do by GYN ‘cause she’s too busy being the best OB there is) that came highly recommended by a co-worker. But now that she won’t see me til jan 2 and didn’t give me any real advice in the beginning, and considering my co-worker's birth experience (it was pretty bad) and her choice of dentist (also bad) I’m beginning to have anxiety about this choice as well. I think a lot about getting a doulah or midwife but don’t have any interest in giving birth at home. I’d frankly rather just hand myself over to the medics and just try to survive until the baby gets here.
Let’s hope it sticks.
Later on today…took my first digital test. I was afraid to take one because they’re so damn objective compared to the lines which are up for interpretation. I took the tests after I got home from shopping for little baby shoes so there was a risk that after deciding on a way to tell DH that I’d get discouraged by a negative test. But no such thing happened. It said "pregnant." And I put the little shoes in a shoe box and when he asks if I got new shoes I’m going to say, yes, but don’t be mad, they’re really cute. Check em out...

Everyone else is... 9.19.08

I should say something here about AF. I was going to coast along to next month’s cycle before writing again, since we haven't been super ambitious about trying yet and obviously nothing has happened, but this stuff may be helpful to keep track of too. It’s been light and long for how light it is. I keep expecting it to end. Even thinking maybe I am pg and spotting. But I think not and I dare not risk the disappointment of another clear negative pg test. Most of my symptoms faded as soon as I got my period. Though I often wonder how much of that kind of thing is all in my head.
I told DH jokingly that we didn't get pg this month and that he needs to shoot better next time. He retorted that I needed to let him shoot. Fair enough. I am excited to try again. One of my co-workers just announced her pregnancy. Two others are on maternity leave, a fourth is battling morning sickness - this all out of five girls of child-bearing age at my job. I, being the fifth, feel left out. All of the sudden our friends have kids. Our co-workers have kids. We don’t fit in anymore. It would be one thing if we were doing our own thing and happy with it. But we want kids. Now. So getting left behind is kind of a cruel trick. The dog is amazing though. Truly we love him. He’s a good stand in and like the Fertility files say, helps to stave off accute bouts of baby fever. He also brings out a side in both of us that we've never seen in each other, or perhaps ourselves, before. A nurturing and protective, at times even paranoid side that convinces me we are cut out for parenthood and also, much to my relief, shows that we can parent together, as a couple - that our relationship has a chance at thriving with kids in the picture. This is important to me as I've seen many disenchanted couples bemoan the changes in their marriage post-kids. I'm not naiive enough to think there won't be changes. I am just happy to see that we're both committed, for better or worse.
I still have very very very little appetite. And the whole constipation thing. Strange. This could all be hormonal - just my body getting back to a 'normal' it hasn't used in over ten years. It’s amazing I even had a period. I am grateful for that. But I will be more grateful to start trying again!.
I am worried about stress. This has been one of the most stressful weeks of my year. With certain drama going on at work and looming deadlines and functions and appointments. Luckily I’m not in too much of a rush to get pg. it would certainly be worse if it were February and still no pink line.

Not Pregnant 9.16.08

No more denial. I am not pregnant. I took an HPT today on the same trip to the bathroom that I found out AF had arrived. This has to be second best to being pg. Maybe even better, given the timing, and this being my first cycle off of birth control. 1) because it means I’m healthy, ovulating, w/ an exact 28 day cycle (first day of my last was August 18). 2) I am a legitimate reader of the fertility files of such websites as Parents and Parenting and can now time my BD patterns and garner more accurate results from certain symptoms and cues and not have to take a $10 pg test every other day to satiate my curiosity. 3) even if I get pg at the next possible point, I likely won’t have a problem getting into my wedding dress convincingly so I can continue to plan and get excited about the wedding with abandon.
So really it’s a good result. My only concern is – what about that positive test(s)? Was it a fluke? A colored evaporation line? Should I never use that type of test again? It was generic….or was it something sadder like a miscarriage or chemical pregnancy? I did feel some very pregnant symptoms…but could those be chalked up to my ovaries working again? Grinding out of retirement?
In any case. We'll continue not to use protection again this month, but I have a week reprise and may even treat myself to a glass of wine.

It's all in my head 9.14.08

It's a funny thing, denial. I took two pg tests yesterday. Both showed a very faint but very definite line – but not really a bar, just a thin line, and it did get markedly clearer after the allotted 10 minutes. It’s all I’ve thought about since 24 hrs ago. Are my boobs swelling? Why else could I feel so nauseous and where did my appetite go? Perhaps the same place the heartburn came from? That and what am I going to do about the wedding(?!), of course. What dress, what date? What am I going to tell friends and family and work….I raced home to buy more tests thinking I’d get a firm answer today. I also got a card for my fiancée that I will give him if/when I get pg. So I took the test and I did get a firm answer. A firm no. No of course seems more likely than the semi-yes’s of yesterday. I took my last pill one month ago and the idea of getting a positive test today is kinda crazy. But stranger things have happened, I suppose. I’m having trouble accepting it though. Because of all the symptoms. And because I spent the last 24 hours thinking I might be a mommy. I was in Longs today and some asshole (total stranger) ran up behind me and tried to scare me by growling at me w/ a halloween mask on. He succeeded and congratulated himself on finding a convincingly scary mask. I was wrought with anger. I jumped, almost had a heart attack, and I hadn’t even seen the stupid mask yet. And the first thing I thought is that the asshole was going to make me miscarry. I have the protective instinct somewhere. But I have to admit that I was a bit relieved by the result ‘cause it might suggest I can go ahead and wear the wedding dress I bought and be excited about what people will think rather than worried.
Symptoms today:
· Cramps and pangs –mild
· Dehydrated
· Really nauseous last night. Little appetite today.