PREGNANT!! 11.18.08

I have tested positive for three days now. I’m officially 4 weeks and 5 days. Not very far and not very ‘official’ but pregnant, nonetheless. For the first 48 hrs of knowing I felt a lot of fear and apprehension, primarily aimed at the risk of miscarriage and, to a larger degree, the fear of delivery. I tried to go down on Zoloft (which i have taken for about two years at 50 mg) but decided I don’t need any extra anxiety in my life in the next couple weeks and it wouldn’t be good for the baby’s chances so I went to alternating between 50 and 25 each day. I must have taken about a dozen HPTs in the last three days (sometimes three a day). Just to make sure. Time is inching by. I haven’t been able to sleep much, and it’s still my own secret. I haven’t told DH. I've only told the dentist so they wouldn’t x-ray me. But even w/o the xrays the whole time in the dentist chair I was stressing ‘cause I hate the feeling when they brush your teeth and I was tense and trying to force myself to relax and maybe not doing the best job. I really enjoyed the little microcosm at the dentist of people talking about my “baby” and when is it due and stories of their own. I felt instantly better. But now it’s back to solitary. I’m going to test every other day for a few days (right!) and tell DH just before we go away this weekend. I got a card and everything. I kinda feel like want to keep it to myself until there’s no risk, but of course that time will never be. I will be 9 days past my first trimester at my wedding so no need to tell anyone and probably no need for a new dress. Tho I am thinking of telling my BFF since she’s coordinating my bridal activities and will notice right away and will be hurt if I don’t tell her and will be an awesome source of support no matter what happens. The other individuals I may have to tell are my parents since I’ll be going through my dad’s bday and xmas without drinking (rare for me). Or maybe I’ll fake it through, take a couple sips, make DH drink the rest….they might suspect but so be it.
I’m a little concerned about genetic testing which I guess can’t be done until the 2d trimester (so says my dr. although I’ve heard of earlier tests). But I’m still in my 20’s and pretty healthy. So I don’t really know what they’d tell me that I don’t already know – you have a very very very small chance of having a baby w/ DS.
Ok, now I have to find a way to focus on work.. I really need a stable job now. It’s been a bit of a problem for the one day I’ve known but its also kinda fun having a secret. Symptoms aren’t that distracting, its just the knowledge of how life is about to change.
Symptoms include fatigue (though I can’t yet tell if its worse than normal or if I’m just losing more sleep over the excitement), an increased ‘awareness’ of my uterus for lack of a better description – it doesn’t really hurt, just feels heavy, swollen to the touch, tiny tiny crampie feelings that don’t hurt much and are kind of reassuring that something is actually going on down there, boobs are sensitive but not that bad, not that sore. Heartburn and nausea only very very occasionally. I’m sure those will get worse.
Dr appt not until Jan 2. which freaks me out frankly. I have an OB (she refuses to do by GYN ‘cause she’s too busy being the best OB there is) that came highly recommended by a co-worker. But now that she won’t see me til jan 2 and didn’t give me any real advice in the beginning, and considering my co-worker's birth experience (it was pretty bad) and her choice of dentist (also bad) I’m beginning to have anxiety about this choice as well. I think a lot about getting a doulah or midwife but don’t have any interest in giving birth at home. I’d frankly rather just hand myself over to the medics and just try to survive until the baby gets here.
Let’s hope it sticks.
Later on today…took my first digital test. I was afraid to take one because they’re so damn objective compared to the lines which are up for interpretation. I took the tests after I got home from shopping for little baby shoes so there was a risk that after deciding on a way to tell DH that I’d get discouraged by a negative test. But no such thing happened. It said "pregnant." And I put the little shoes in a shoe box and when he asks if I got new shoes I’m going to say, yes, but don’t be mad, they’re really cute. Check em out...