Beta #1 - 14dpo: 319
Beta #2 - 16dpo: 732
Whew, it doubled. Plus about 100 bonus points for good measure. I think I feel good about this. Probably only need about 45 more minutes on google checking out other peoples' stats before I calm down. This journey has made me such an obsessive voyeuristic nutcase. I keep seeing numbers that triple and think man, if my 14dpo number was so strong, and then my 16dpo number was just an average doubling, maybe it's slowing down...disaster! Why must my mind always go there?
I have to admit that I kind of freaked out at the 319 at 14dpo. That seems high. I was freaked out because I've had a molar pregnancy and while, to most people a high beta # = strong! I could only think that it might be another mole. I am at increased risk for that to happen again. I also freaked out a little at the prospect of multiples. I even had a dream that my doctor was giving me brochures and articles on multiples and appropriate hcg levels (and I remember being touched that she now understood - I LIKE to have more information, not less, how nice of her to refer me to an article...but alas, it was a dream). Now, I would LOVE to have twins, but I don't know if I'd love to carry twins because it would escalate the fear I would feel at each stage so much that I'm not sure how I could cope. And anything more than twins would overwhelm me, I'm pretty sure. Though of course I'd be happy with anything. Anyway, the fact that the second beta isn't astronomically high has calmed me down a little with respect to that fear, but of course has stemmed new ones. It seems on track...I think. Though I'm open to all of your honest opinions, of course.
I don't think I'm going to do any more of these draws. My first appointment is Jan. 6 and I think I can just wait for that. I don't need the stress of getting to the lab at the same time, getting stuck, waiting for more numbers, interpreting more numbers, and spending more hours on google than I have time for. I think I will also stop temping. My triphasic pattern has sort of returned, had a nice high temp this morning. I need to quit while I'm ahead. I don't really worry that I'll let my greatest dreams run away with me if I stray too far from raw hard data. I'm too realistic for that. Instead I think I'll spend this time trying to forget about the whole thing. Just focus on the holidays, focus on family, after all the months I've spent waiting, a few more weeks isn't much, especially since there will be so much distraction in the meantime. Sure I'd like to have some idea of what to expect during that first appointment, but from my experience last year, I know that's pretty much impossible. My beta was nice and high, my symptoms were all there, not a spot of blood or a cramp, plenty of morning sickness, my uterus expanded on schedule...all of this and there was still no baby. So while I'm not looking forward to another shock this January, I've accepted that there's really no other way around this - I'll be shocked either way. And no amount of betas will spare me from the blunt disappointment of losing a pregnancy if that's what ends up happening. And this time around, I'll be 7w4d at the appointment instead of 11w so if things don't turn out well, I will have 'wasted' less time. I know that's crass, but it's how I feel. So I wouldn't want this appointment any later. I also wouldn't want it any earlier. If it was earlier with good results, I couldn't rely on them, anything could still happen. If it was earlier with bad results it could just be too early so I'd stew and stress for another week or so.
So I am good today. Scared s--- less and I wouldn't even say cautiously optimistic because I'm very pessimistic at this stage. I don't feel like I can trust my body, pee sticks, anything. I feel very out of control and that leads me to expect the worst. But today's news is good. It doubled. So I will just try to go with the flow.
My appointment is scheduled with the hateful-bitch OBG. It just sort of happened. One minute she was congratulating me and the next she was scheduling my appointment. I feel like I should wait for her to f-up one more time before I say something and back it up by leaving her. I don't really feel like there is any harm in letting her hold the wand at my next appointment. And as I've said before she's really smart. She's good at what she does. This is a personality and patient care issue. She blows at both of those. But maybe it won't be an issue...famous last words right?
For those of you who are following the V saga, she said something irritating again, no surprise there. This time it wasn't to me though, it was to C. I should preface this by saying that C is ultra conservative and very very private about her private life, including about her TTC plans. I have heard her say "I would neeeeever tell eeeeenyone if I was 'trying.'" It's a private subject for her. I understand that. It is for a lot of people, myself included. Now on the other hand, please understand that I don't knock people that talk about TTC at this level of detail, in fact sometimes i wish I trusted someone enough to share that kind of information with. But C makes no secret about the fact that she has NO intention of sharing this kind of information with anyone and I respect that too.
Beta #2 - 16dpo: 732
Whew, it doubled. Plus about 100 bonus points for good measure. I think I feel good about this. Probably only need about 45 more minutes on google checking out other peoples' stats before I calm down. This journey has made me such an obsessive voyeuristic nutcase. I keep seeing numbers that triple and think man, if my 14dpo number was so strong, and then my 16dpo number was just an average doubling, maybe it's slowing down...disaster! Why must my mind always go there?
I have to admit that I kind of freaked out at the 319 at 14dpo. That seems high. I was freaked out because I've had a molar pregnancy and while, to most people a high beta # = strong! I could only think that it might be another mole. I am at increased risk for that to happen again. I also freaked out a little at the prospect of multiples. I even had a dream that my doctor was giving me brochures and articles on multiples and appropriate hcg levels (and I remember being touched that she now understood - I LIKE to have more information, not less, how nice of her to refer me to an article...but alas, it was a dream). Now, I would LOVE to have twins, but I don't know if I'd love to carry twins because it would escalate the fear I would feel at each stage so much that I'm not sure how I could cope. And anything more than twins would overwhelm me, I'm pretty sure. Though of course I'd be happy with anything. Anyway, the fact that the second beta isn't astronomically high has calmed me down a little with respect to that fear, but of course has stemmed new ones. It seems on track...I think. Though I'm open to all of your honest opinions, of course.
I don't think I'm going to do any more of these draws. My first appointment is Jan. 6 and I think I can just wait for that. I don't need the stress of getting to the lab at the same time, getting stuck, waiting for more numbers, interpreting more numbers, and spending more hours on google than I have time for. I think I will also stop temping. My triphasic pattern has sort of returned, had a nice high temp this morning. I need to quit while I'm ahead. I don't really worry that I'll let my greatest dreams run away with me if I stray too far from raw hard data. I'm too realistic for that. Instead I think I'll spend this time trying to forget about the whole thing. Just focus on the holidays, focus on family, after all the months I've spent waiting, a few more weeks isn't much, especially since there will be so much distraction in the meantime. Sure I'd like to have some idea of what to expect during that first appointment, but from my experience last year, I know that's pretty much impossible. My beta was nice and high, my symptoms were all there, not a spot of blood or a cramp, plenty of morning sickness, my uterus expanded on schedule...all of this and there was still no baby. So while I'm not looking forward to another shock this January, I've accepted that there's really no other way around this - I'll be shocked either way. And no amount of betas will spare me from the blunt disappointment of losing a pregnancy if that's what ends up happening. And this time around, I'll be 7w4d at the appointment instead of 11w so if things don't turn out well, I will have 'wasted' less time. I know that's crass, but it's how I feel. So I wouldn't want this appointment any later. I also wouldn't want it any earlier. If it was earlier with good results, I couldn't rely on them, anything could still happen. If it was earlier with bad results it could just be too early so I'd stew and stress for another week or so.
So I am good today. Scared s--- less and I wouldn't even say cautiously optimistic because I'm very pessimistic at this stage. I don't feel like I can trust my body, pee sticks, anything. I feel very out of control and that leads me to expect the worst. But today's news is good. It doubled. So I will just try to go with the flow.
My appointment is scheduled with the hateful-bitch OBG. It just sort of happened. One minute she was congratulating me and the next she was scheduling my appointment. I feel like I should wait for her to f-up one more time before I say something and back it up by leaving her. I don't really feel like there is any harm in letting her hold the wand at my next appointment. And as I've said before she's really smart. She's good at what she does. This is a personality and patient care issue. She blows at both of those. But maybe it won't be an issue...famous last words right?
For those of you who are following the V saga, she said something irritating again, no surprise there. This time it wasn't to me though, it was to C. I should preface this by saying that C is ultra conservative and very very private about her private life, including about her TTC plans. I have heard her say "I would neeeeever tell eeeeenyone if I was 'trying.'" It's a private subject for her. I understand that. It is for a lot of people, myself included. Now on the other hand, please understand that I don't knock people that talk about TTC at this level of detail, in fact sometimes i wish I trusted someone enough to share that kind of information with. But C makes no secret about the fact that she has NO intention of sharing this kind of information with anyone and I respect that too.
So V comes along yesterday and asks C if she's trying right now. C had her first baby 10 months ago and has said on many occasions that she'd like to have at least 5 kids. V thinks she's smart and asked in kind of a round-about way but it didn't work out for her - she's not as smart as she thinks she is: "So, C, are you like, on birth control now, or what's going on there?" ??!?? Poor C, she didn't know what to say. And after my last conversation with V, I totally understood how she felt. After hearing this story from C, I was left understanding V even less. I am starting to loathe her. She was a friend, a good one even, but little by little she's chipped away my resolve to give her the benefit of the doubt. Luckily I am also starting to think of it as a good thing when you lose friends if you lose them because they weren't really friends to begin with.
8 comments:
Congrats :) I understand the fears and worries trust me but like Katery said back in the day, she said she'd be excited and hopeful for me while I couldn't be. I'm happy and excited and hopeful for you even though I know how hard it is for you to do the same in your own shoes. It's not easy after all the things we've all gone through. Hang in there. I got a good feeling!!! :)
What a fantastic second beta! I think you are such a smart women to stop with the betas and temping, they will only drive you batty! I know it must be terrifying to be where you are now, but I hope that the distraction of the holidays makes the time between now and January pass quickly. That u/s appointment will be here before you know it, and I can't wait to hear your good news then! Congrats again!
Yea for an AWESOME second beta! Maybe it is twins! Mine were alot lower with my 10 month old son and this pregnancy (almost 16 wks :) so I am guessing maybe 2 but let's keep it at that!
I am just so damn happy for you.
Kelley
Oh, I'm jealous!!! I had my second draw today... at 14dpo, and its only 46. :( It doubled from the one on monday, but NO where NEAR your's... YEA for high betas for you!!!
Woohooo~ great to see the new numbers! I think this is it!! I know it'll be hard, but take one day at a time and next thing you know - you'll be at 40 weeks I'm sure! My AF's still not here so I'm hoping to get where you are soon so we can share 40 weeks together!
I can't TELL you how happy I am for you. You deserve to be cautious and even pessimistic(I certainly was) but I am going to be NOTHING but happy for you!
The holidays will be a good distraction. Not that you can get away from your own thoughts and dreams completely but it's something. I have a feeling you'll enjoy this season tremendously and I am thrilled for you for that. Stay strong as always and I'll be sending prayers your way!
Those are great numbers. I'm so happy for you! I don't blame you for stopping the temping and the betas--those are two less things to obsess over. I'll continue to keep you in my thoughts as you wait for your appointment. It's not too far away!
As for V, I am so glad I don't work there. I would be very tempted to give that woman a piece of my mind!
Terrific news! Now please stop with the Google. Trust me. It will only drive you nuts. Step away from Dr Google. Got it? ;) And loving the new snowman ticker.
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