18dpo

Beta #3 - 18dpo: NO IDEA.



'Cause I didn't get one. I already feel pretty good about the first two numbers and my symptoms are enough for now. And there's a chance that the result of a third would be to put me in a mood of horror for the holidays which is not what I want. I really have nothing to gain from a third beta. If I had gotten one and not been in love with it it would only make me feel bad at a time when there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it and at a time when I really need to put on a brave face because I'll be in front of so much family over the next few weeks. It's too early to see anything, I'll be taking some long weekends during the holidays so won't be able to run to the lab on a regular basis. I need to focus on other things. And again, there would be nothing that could be done. The partner I'm working with also helped my decision along by scheduling a meeting at 8am this morning which is the exact time I've been getting my draws.


What has helped me in my moments of panic is telling myself two things:

1) You can't shake or startle an embryo loose at this stage. If that were possible, ...you know the rest. I have got to stop beating myself up over every time I get stressed, startled, stepped on by my dog, or forced to run across the street so as not to get hit by a car.


2) [this one's the most important] No matter what I do, the embryo will keep growing, or not keep growing. The betas will double or not double. I will or will not end up with a baby. NO MATTER WHAT I DO. So there's no reason to keep checking symptoms or pull out my hair about another beta. It's going to keep doing what it's doing, whatever that is. And there is really no reliable way to know whether it's doing what it's doing successfully for a few weeks. This little cluster of cells has already taught me an important less on in faith. And letting go.

In the symptom department, I've already had two people come up to me at work and tell me how serious and quiet I've seemed lately. Anxiety, I told them. No lie. I blamed it on being so busy with work. Which I have been. But I think you and I both know there's more to it than that. I was just amazed that people could already detect a change in my mood. I guess that's not really a symptom. Bbs/nips still sore, a little queasy once or twice a day and salivating more than normal but nothing near nausea. I started noticing how well I smell things yesterday. Also, I had been wondering when my face would start breaking out and lo and behold today was the day! Whoo-hooo! I am developing a tendency to go for salty food instead of sweet which was also the case with my first pregnancy. I'm feeling pretty dizzy lately but I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I'm trying to wean myself off of a really low dose of zo!oft, which I started taking a couple years ago during my last year of law school (the one leading up to THE BAR!), for anxiety. My job is pretty low stress right now and I intend to do everything I can to keep it that way if this pregnancy goes well. I am a huge believer in zo!oft, it saved my career and my health, and I know it's supposed to be safe during pregnancy (which is why I haven't dropped it cold turkey), but I also feel like I've changed since law school, I've grown up. I've developed a desensitization to certain stressors that I never would have exposed myself to without the help of the drugs. And now I think it's time for a break. See if I can fly without the feather, so to speak.

I artfully escaped the HH yesterday by feigning a call. Turned out I didn't have to do that, I had plenty of work to blame my absence on. I'm sure they will speculate - C glanced at my stomach about 5 times yesterday when I was in her office for 15 minutes. She's the kind of person who would never come out and ask and probably the most likely candidate if I were to tell someone early. But it's just too early. I consider this a pregnancy, but I still can't bring myself to associate it with me. I can't say that I'm...you know. Every time I start to calculate how many weeks and days it's been I try to quickly distract myself with other thoughts. I'm not pregnant unless there's a baby in there. And how could I possibly know what's in there? I've learned over the past year that it could be just about anything. So until I know otherwise, I'm just waiting to find out if I am. I was thinking about this this morning and came to the conclusion that I most closely associate my situation not as pregnant, but as in another stage of waiting.

DH is being cute about the whole thing. He keeps saying things like - don't get me a christmas gift, you have to save your money for "pregnancy clothes." Awwww. My response? "Maybe, maybe not." That's my response to everything baby related. DH: "Isn't it a good sign that your boobs are sore?" Me: "Maybe, maybe not." We don't talk about it much. It's just too soon. Too many unknowns.

I've never paid much attention to T0m Arno!d in my life, but he was on my morning radio talk show today and, turns out he's a very open person. One thing he opened up about was that he found out he had a low sperm count when he tried to donate to a sperm bank in college. Now he's married to wife number four and he said that for her wedding gift she asked for IVF. I was really touched by all of this, I really appreciate it when celebrities share their stories about difficulty TTC. It makes them seem like they have a lot of humility and human characteristics. It brings these problems to light in the general population, and of course its nice to know that 'real people' aren't the only ones having trouble. It's not always as easy as it looks. For anyone. It seems a little weird that this would bring me comfort - it's like saying 'thank god X has had this misfortune too, now I don't feel so alone.' But that's not what I mean. I think what comforts me is the confidence and candor with which some celebrities are willing to talk about it. They are out of the fertility closet and they seem to be doing it as a gesture to the rest of us having trouble. It's that gesture that I appreciate.