The other 2ww

Thanks everyone for the empathy and great advice on how to deal with V. To probably no one's surprise, she is still at it, even after C's conversation with her and my best efforts to passive aggressively demonstrate my disinterest in her rudeness - it looks like I might have to bring out the big guns and be a little more active-aggressive...is that a word?

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she came into my office today to ask when I was thinking about "trying again." WHO ASKS THAT??? She said "you used to be on the baby kick for a while, but not so much now." Like she was expecting some kind of explanation of why I seem to have attained some kind of peace with living kid-free (you know, beyond the whole I-have-to-because-of-the-cancer-risk thing) after which she would jump back on her soapbox and explain to my why I should change my mind and have babies right now! just like her. First of all, it's not a "kick," this is not like a fashion trend. Even though it may seem that way to her since she did get pregnant just by thinking about it. She really has NO comprehension of how that first thought about the possibility of having a baby, if left unfulfilled too long after that initial decision, can germinate and grow exponentially, infinitely into a need, an identity, a life choice. It's not a habit one can break, not an idea one gets over. It's not a fleeting thought, it occupies every crevasse of my mind, every moment that I breathe air, it colors every thought and experience. To think that it's just a "kick." Imagine. The ignorance of this woman alone makes me physically ill.

Anyway, moving on..., this is not a blog about V. If you are just arriving here for the first time for ICLW you are certainly forgiven for thinking otherwise.

So here I am in the "follicular stage". The two weeks leading up to TTC are given short shrift as far as I can tell. They are (almost) just as long, angst ridden, and drawn out as the 2ww with which we are all familiar. In fact, they might be worse because there are no symptoms to obsess over. There's not even the possibility of pregnancy during the 2ww 1.0. Not even a shred of hope. How frustrating is that?!?

During the first 2ww the difficult part is yet to come. All there is to anticipate is worrying about timing, worrying about ovulation, and for the IUI/IVF girls out there, worrying about procedures and taking time off of work and timing and progress and drugs and measurements and more timing...it's enough to make anyone crazy.

For me it's always worries about whether DH and I will be on the same page when O week rolls around. Whether he'll be pro-kids that week. Whether we'll avoid petty fights that end with one or both of us not being in the mood. Whether we'll be able to avoid work trips or sleeping over at places that would make it difficult to BD. Things like that.

I've actually started to screen the movies we rent on Netfl!x to make sure I don't get anything that casts having kids in a bad light. I am that paranoid that DH's fragile state of support for the idea will crumble at the slightest thought of any inconvenience that a child may bring. Now, to be clear, I think most of this is in my head. I don't think DH made a decision to have kids with me lightly and he definitely says what he means. I can count on that, so I have no reason to think he'll change his mind. But he spent so long not wanting kids and then not wanting to 'rush' the process and ignoring the possibility that we might have to make more of an effort than just "seeing what happens," that I can't help the residual paranoia. For example, we watched Mar!ey and Me a couple weeks ago and about halfway into the movie, I thought it was over for my babymaking dreams. I thought no way is he ever going to willingly march into what he thinks will be a lifestyle of frustration, fights, and chaos. I try to work around those movies in my queue. I have a bunch of pregnancy-related movies that I keep shoving to the bottom hoping that by the time they come back up, it'll be too late, I'll be good and knocked up. Crazy.

I have dreams too. I guess this goes for both 2ww's. Dreams about positive pregnancy tests. It's so weird, they are so vivid and rational. You'd think this would be a good omen, but it's just going to make me feel that much more frustrated in a few weeks if I don't get a BFP in real life.

So how have I been passing the time? I've been working out like it's the last time, which is good. All-out, challenging, heart-rate-raising, sweaty, high impact workouts. The kind I stay away from during the other 2ww. I've been trying to eat right to try to help my eggs and lining develop properly. But I've also been indulging in beer and wine and soft cheeses. I'm less paranoid about germs in the first 2ww. I have a lot of extra time to get work done because I'm not spending an hour a day on FF going through charts and another hour with doctor google discussing my symptoms. I'm more excited about social events (ahem, Thanksgiving) because I won't have anything to hide. Except my disappointment at not having a bouncing four month old right now. But I digress.

How do you ladies spend the other 2ww?