From 1dpo this cycle I haven't had much hope. I can't really put my finger on why. Fertile signs were present, I'm pretty sure I O'ed right on schedule, we babydanced early and often. But for some reason I'm feeling really pessimistic. Maybe it's the stress of the whole escapist fur baby episode - maybe that set the tone for the 2ww. Or maybe it's because I'm now 7dpo and have ZERO symptoms, real or imagined. None at all. Or maybe it's because I put all my faith into my last cycle and I just don't have any left. I'm a little type A and I give 110% to everything I really want. I'm smart about it, I work hard, and I generally achieve what I'm working towards sooner or later, no matter what it takes out of me. It's not always a good thing - in fact sometimes it can be downright unhealthy.
Since we got pg on the first cycle that we really put our minds to it last year, I think I had in my head somewhere that if I worked hard enough at it this time, I'd get the same result. I know it's BS and that this is not how pregnancy works - I understand that the odds are against us and that's even if everything is perfect with both of our 'equipment.' And I know that even if we did succeed this cycle, it's certainly the rule, rather than the exception, that I'd have no symptoms at only 7 dpo. So there is every possibility that this cycle will be successful. But the irrational statistician in me thinks that if my odds of conceiving this cycle are the same as last, well then why would this cycle turn out any differently? My luck is gone. Maybe my chances for a baby are too. Maybe the D&C messed me up, maybe just the one year in age has made all the difference. Maybe DH or I have chromosomal defects in all of our gametes - thus the molar pregnancy and the relative difficulty now.
Whatever it is, I fully expect to see a BFN at the end of this week. Fully. I'm really bummed out by it. Not just because I'm sick and tired of not being pregnant and of not being a mom already! But also because I feel like this cycle marks an opportunity that won't come around again...
I've lamented before about how last year when I got my BFP it was the perfect time to have it happen in my life. Close friends were pg, DH and I were at a great age and a great place in our careers, my parents are still quite active, we had just gotten married. The stars were aligned and when I lost it I was sure that there would never be a better time. That along with the pregnancy I had lost a chance at sublime happiness. I don't know if I could really call now a 'better' time, but it's awfully close. If we don't conceive this cycle, I will definitely be over 30 before I have a baby - if I have a baby. If we don't conceive this cycle we will not have the perfect 'announcement' to make at my dad's retirement party. If we don't conceive this cycle, we will not conceive within a year of losing our first pregnancy and we will not be able to announce a pregnancy in advance of our one year wedding anniversary. I know these are all petty, selfish, and ultimately meaningless benchmarks, but I did call this time 'perfect' didn't I? For me, anytime would be an adequate and fully acceptable time to get pregnant, but right now, even the superficial and fun details are aligned. So while I'm at this hope game, why not hope for the moon?
But like I said, I'm not feeling it this cycle. Not even close.
14 years ago
10 comments:
I'm so sorry you aren't feeling it. :( I completely understand. (((hugs)))
I'm right there with you - 7dpo and zero symptoms (where are the sore BBS???), feeling pessimistic. I totally get what you mean about the "perfect" time, but IF this cycle is not the cycle and WHEN you get BFP later, you will find that it is "perfect" then, too. I think we're so hard on ourselves on trying to get BFP at a certain time of the year and age and forget what our real goal is. I sometimes wonder - am I fighting this hard to really have a baby or to prove myself and the world that I CAN have a baby? We're all selfish in our own ways. Whether it's this month or 3 months or 8 months from now, it WILL be the perfect time and you'll have another perfect occassion to announce your pregnancy on.
I'm 7dpIUI today and I haven't got any symptoms either. It's ok to feel the way you are feeling, my hope-o-meter is pretty low right now too. I think the holidays add to it. It's hard seeing families enjoying themselves, when all you want for Christmas is to have a BFP and a baby. I hope it works out in the end and you get your BFP for Christmas!
I had no symptoms of pregnancy with m first two, but I understand protecting your heart. I had the same worries and fears about tie passing and deadlines and dates that I had in my mind coming and going without a baby. I never thought I'd be having my first baby at 30 but there you have it. I hope this cycle is it for you *hugs*
Just remember though that each pregnancy is indeed different and has it's own watch to run on. I got really sick and nauseated my first time and the second i was more fortunate.
It's easier to be pessimistic but i hope there is some glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel for you!!
I hate that what we've been through robs us of our "innocence"/ability to hope. You've already been through so much, I wish you could at least have the warm fuzzies to keep you company in this tww.
And I can totally relate to timing thing. Every month I think about what our potential 12 week announcement will fall around. "If it happens this month, we can tell the family at soandso's birthday dinner..." Ugh.
And not to blow smoke, or repeat things you already know, but I have two really good friends in the IF community who had NO symptoms until 5-6 weeks. That thought always helps me keep my hope alive.
I hope it happens for you really soon.
Thanks for the comment on my blog. You said it so well. Yes, our logic is way wacked, but I can't tell you the number of times I too have found relief when AF comes. Not becuase I don't want to be pregnant, but becuase I really don't know how I will make it through the 1st trimester sane when I finally do see that BFP. I don't know how I will ever walk myself into that first u/s given our track record. I so hear you on celebrating AFs arrival. But then again, how twisted are we?!!!
When I read your words about your last pregnancy coming at the perfect timing, my heart stopped for a moment. I so know what you mean. I think about that ALL the time. I felt so physically and emotionally ready when we got our first BFP. The stars seemed aligned, I LOVED the month and date of our due date. Jobs were in check, life balanced, DH and I on the same page. I compare everything to that feeling. Wondering how anything will compare to that... Most days I try to find my center and know that when I look back on my life journey up until this point, even after going through the darkest valleys, I still have come to find absolute beauty in the aftermath.
That is my hope in this chapter of my journey as well...
You seem to have summed up everything stirring in my head. I wonder all those same things and its somewhat comforting to know that I am not the only girl out here having those thoughts.
As for me, I am currently in the 2ww, not feeling extra optimistic either. Don't be discouraged about your age, you are still very young :) I entere this game at 36 and have just turned 37, so I feel a bit under the gun. It all seems like so much work now post loss. And, I find it hard to believe that we were lucky enough to conceive the first time our first calculated try. Now, I wish it were that easy...maybe I'm too stressed?
Hang in there...we will see those + signs again, I have faith :)
Sending baby dust your way, but being a little selfish and keeping a tiny bit for me too :)
I am sorry that you are not feeling much hope this cycle :(
I had no symptoms with both pregnancies (we did IVF after severe male factor diagnosis.) I kept testing super early post transfer knowing I needed to see a bfp before my bloodwork. It was a difficult time.
I am still hoping and praying this is your cycle.
Kelley
i didn't have any symptoms with this pregnancy either so you never know. it was much easier for me to be pessimistic with my cycles than full of hope because i always felt that if i allowed myself to be hopeful i would be even more devastated if i got a bfn.
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