Dr. OBG gets a reprieve. Sort of.

She called me this morning. I was half hoping I'd miss the call even though I not only carefully thought out the several things I was going to ask her, but even wrote them down. Part of me wanted to just forget about the fight, just do what she said as long as I could and stop when I couldn't stand it anymore. I get why she's prescribed the 'treatment' she has. I know it's arbitrary, hearing her admit that will only cause more tension in the relationship - it probably won't make me feel much better. And I have to make sure to distinguish between my anger at my doctors and my anger at my situation.

I talked to DH about my frustrations last night. I told him I cried at work when Dr. GO's office called to tell me Dr. GO wouldn't be able to call me. In the time Dr. GO spent talking to his receptionists about how he wasn't going to call me, he could have answered my questions, put my mind at ease. I just don't understand how they can be so heartless. DH said it's all about money. This makes sense. The doctors are not interested in talking to you on the phone 'cause they don't get paid that way. They are covering their asses every step of the way. And why should they call if they don't have to. If they can make you come in. You can say no, you don't want to come in, but it's your own loss. You're not hurting them. He made a lot of good points. And I thought about switching from B!ue Cros$ to Ka!ser. Ka!ser, who allows you to email your doctors. And they have an office literally across the street from where I work.

I got as far as looking up obgyn's in that office and was disappointed to find there were only two - neither was as credentialed as the ones in my current office. Frustrating. I could try to go with another obg in my office but I know what a close-knit group they are (because magically, they all know everything about my case and concur wholeheartedly with Dr. OBG) and I would never feel like they were on my side. Because they wouldn't be, they'd be on Dr. OBG's side. Everyone loves her. They've defended her to me before. Everyone hasn't had the problems that I have with a pregnancy though. Everyone hasn't really tested Dr. OBG. She's not that great, I can assure you.

Anyway, I did miss her call. And she left a message. And came very close to redeeming herself. She changed the number of weekly draws again to 8 instead of 10 (without acknowledging that it was a change of course, she acted like this had been the plan all along). And then said the wait would be over in December or January. And that they were just being cautious. And then the money line. The line that I blogged about wanting to hear yesterday. She said "This is just our recommendation. You obviously don't have to follow it. I know you've been through a lot but I think if I were in your shoes I would do this, just to be cautious." I was about to figuratively run back into her arms but then she ruined it by saying "it's just like when we recommended you abstain from intercourse after the D&C." This was so hard to hear. She blames me for what has happened to me. Because I had unprotected sex in the couple weeks after the D&C she thinks she can blame me for this persistent HCG - as if, had I followed her instructions, this would not have happened. It's my fault. This brings me back to posts a few months ago when I explained that I knew back then, for a sure and certain fact, that my HCG was declining abnormally slowly, that I wasn't ovulating, and that the HCG levels never hit zero in those first few months. I didn't recklessly jump back in the sack. I monitored my temps, I peed on sticks, I watched my CM. I watched it all like a hawk specifically because I wanted to know when things were back to normal. This is not my fault. She is using what she presumes are my indiscretions because she can't explain what is wrong with me. I did it to myself I guess. I opened a window for her to say - not my problem, you didn't do what I told you to, all bets are off. But had I done what she told me to, things would have gone the same way. I have never been so sure of anything.

I know crazy things can happen. I know, on a cosmic level, I can't really know anything for a sure and certain fact. But I am as sure as a person can be that that baby dancing back in February had nothing to do with the fate that has befallen me. My fate was locked in as soon as we conceived last October. And my situation now is not the same as it was then. And I hate that she used my situation to threaten me to follow her advice now. I hate that she blames me and is trying to use my own choices to threaten me into submission. If I had truly thrown her advice in her face and behaved recklessly, I think I could understand, but she is not respecting the fact that I did make educated choices. I knew more than she did about what was wrong with me back in March because she wouldn't listen to me and insisted that it could all be explained by a second failed pregnancy. So I had to self-educate. She was ten steps behind. And now that she's finally come around, she's acting like she wrote the book and I'm still the one who is to blame.

My revised plan:

• Not calling her back (she didn't even offer this as an option, btw. No "call me back if you still have questions" or anything. She is obviously not interested. On many levels, I am hating her still).


• Bi-weekly testing for two more tests.


• Monthly testing 'til December


• Stop preventing in Nov./Dec. and start trying Dec/Jan if my levels haven't budged from zero.

UDPATE: The difficulty with a second opinion.

I appreciate the comments ladies. I know a second opinion is way overdue. But here's the problem. The whole group of doctors that are readily available to me has been tainted. I.e. because my case is so rare, Dr. OBG has polled aaaaalllll the other obgyns in my medical group to see if they have any expertise in this area. Finding none, she just signed me up for "molar pregnancy treatment" and everyone agrees with her. I have asked for a second opinion within the group. The answer was "do whatever Dr. OBG says." I called Dr. GO yesterday specifically to get his take on the matter and NOT Dr. OBG's and we all saw how that went. He refused to answer and that call got kicked back to Dr. OBG. It's like the twilight zone. To get a real unbiased second opinion I would have to change my group, would have to find another location (hence, looking into Ka!ser) and might have to change my insurance. Which would require waiting for open enrollment...this winter...by which time I may have the green light even from Dr. OBG & Co.

The second problem is that even if I go through the hoops of finding another group, squaring it with my insurance, and finding a new OBG close enough to where I live or work, chances are the OBG won't have a clue what to recommend (not unlike mine) because this is gynecologic oncologist territory. And there are only two gynecologic oncologists that I know of within a 500 mile radius. One is Dr. GO and the other is his business partner.

So as I see it I'm SOL. Unless I move to a new state. And maybe I should just listen to them. Do what they say. Which I am almost willing to do. I'm willing to wait 6-7 months but I'd like to start the clock at the point of my last MTX injection or when my numbers first hit 5. They want to start anew right now. It's just a matter of a couple months. And who knows if those couple months will even make a difference. I think I'm more worked up over the beauracracy than over the actual wait time, which I understand, to an extent. I'm sure I'll get over it. In the meantime, I really do appreciate your advice. It really helps to get your opinions, readers. Often more than those of the Dr.s. Because you've been there. You know first hand how it goes and you're here because you want to share and learn and help and be helped. Not because it helps your bottom line. And that makes a world of difference!