The slate will never be wiped clean

This is my revelation for today. After I realized what a long haul I was in for after my m/c, I wanted so very badly to have a clean start. Normal cycles, zero HCG. Negative HPT's again. Just go back to the beginning. Start over.

And now that, by all appearances, I'm roughly half of the way there, I'm starting to realize, it will never be a true start-over. And I'm not just talking about the loss of that innocent faith and hope that you have when you're trying for a baby the first time. I'm saying that logistically, I'll never be in a place where I feel like my body, my health, my risk factors are back to where they were pre-m/c. I am really scared that the GTD could come back (if I ever had it in the first place). At any time. And even if I can get my head around waiting until Dec./Jan. to try again, I will still be scared and I will wonder why I'm not waiting a whole year. I've heard of GTD coming back three years hence. Sometimes with intervening healthy pregnancies. So there's no telling when and if it could recur and that scares the s-- out of me. And it's why I will never feel like I've been given a real second chance. And the worst part is, I may be tainted for life over this...and never even have had GTD.

So a m/c is frustrating. Having it take a year to resolve itself is even more frustrating. And then, on top of all of this, I don't know - no one knows - what has happened to me. No one knows what's wrong. And the possibilities are so starkly different that I've just been tipped over the edge of the long fall toward debilitating anger at the thought of waiting six months if there's nothing wrong with me. The thought of waiting only six months if there IS something wrong with me is equally as devastating. If I had a real diagnosis - "you have GTD" - I would be better able to accept a long wait. But the way my levels trended down...never going up more than a few points, going down on their own albeit very very VERY slowly, their lack of response to MTX paired with their continued decline,....all of this tells me that I shouldn't worry, it wasn't GTD. It was left over tissue that my poor body had to absorb one cell at a time because it was afraid to expel anything, after all, it thought it was pregnant. I could probably start TTC today if I wanted. And even if it was GTD, in five months my levels only changed by about 20-30 points, who cares if it comes back, it's obviously a weak growth and the most it could grow in 9 months of pregnancy is about 100 points, right? That's curable.

But I don't know that. I don't know anything. And that's the worst part. It's not the wait. It's not the loss. It's not being able to really wipe the slate clean, ever. I will never stop worrying about the possibility of GTD. Because although the risk is probably remote, the consequences are dire. What if I get to month 5 or 6 and they say - your HCG levels suggest the GTD has come back. You can terminate the pregnancy and we'll treat you for it, or you can continue the pregnancy and take your chances that you'll be alive long enough to enjoy your children. This is the thing I most fear about pregnancy now - that I'll be given this choice to make. And maybe it's just one more worry to add to the rest, because there are plenty. And maybe I'll find a way to be ok with all that and forge ahead in my quest to become a mother. But I don't think I'll ever really be free of it.