The longest months are yet to come I fear

I spoke to Dr. OBG this morning regarding my exciting weekend. She thinks whatever I passed was just a blood clot. She said (TMI alert) blood clots can be up to the size of your fist or an orange and it's completely normal for them to be adorned with whitish, tissue-looking stuff. (/TMI) She wasn't worried and didn't think it was rational to suspect it was anything else. She was unimpressed with my theory that it might have been a mass of undifferentiated tissue growing from the placental cells left in my ute after the D&C...like a tumor. I'm glad she didn't think that was it. That would make me really fear a recurrence - and I really did think that's what it was. But in retrospect, the blood clot theory makes more sense.

But then came the real downer. First some history: Four weeks ago she said we should test weekly for four weeks and then go to monthly. For four weeks I have gone in dutifully and my levels have stayed below five and finally went down to <2. Today she said - weekly for six more weeks. And then (this hurt) monthly for SIX MONTHS. Six months AFTER the six weeks. So, by my calculations, 7.5 months. Eff.

I'm struggling to accept this. Especially since there's a glimmer of hope that it will be shorter. Dr. OBG said she was going to talk to Dr. GO and see if the plan needed tweaking. And as I've mentioned, Dr. GO is pretty liberal with the 'trying again' stuff. He's the one that kept telling me I was fighting the clock. And that MTX is out of my system in a couple days. So there's a chance he'll say "Dr. OBG, you're being ridiculous. 3 months is more than enough." But there's probably a greater chance that he'll defer to Dr. OBG out of professional courtesy. Because after all, it can't hurt me - physically - to wait 7.5 months. And after all, I'm just a patient. A three or four month overkill isn't going to affect their lives at all.

But I might go crazy waiting that long. I just have to remember that whatever the plan turns out to be, it's for my own good. And that I really ought to follow directions - even if I don't agree with them - for once (I'm really bad at following rules when I don't think they're coming from a rational place - this is in general). And I have to remember how much I wanted this - a real start date, no matter how far in the future, that I can rely on. As much as it's possible to rely on anything in this process, anyway. And I have to remember that each passing month will be another reminder of health (hopefully) and I will have to remember to value that health and cultivate it in preparation for trying again. But it makes me so scared that the time will be wasted. And so scared that at this rate, I'll never have a healthy pregnancy...like I said, it won't kill me to have another loss or two in my lifetime. I'll still keep trying. But at the rate of one try every year and a half, I don't know that I'll ever have the opportunity to have a healthy pregnancy before my eggs run out. And no this may not ever happen again, this persistent HCG stuff. And yes it really did happen and even though it may be over, I have to respect the past and potential complications. And just wait. But as we all know, waiting is the worst.