Twisted

This AF is a doozie. I am in SO much pain. I should NOT have worn the almost-white chinos to work today, I feel like I need to be super cautious whenever I move or sit or stand or exist. And please note that I am not complaining - I say this all with glee in my heart and tears of joy in my eyes. What a twisted world this is.

I seriously had cramps so bad yesterday that I could barely breathe for long periods of time. And I relished every minute of it. At one point I became aware that a bizarre, twisted, unintended thought was crossing my mind - AF is so wonderful, I feel so healthy, that maybe I don't even want to get pg again. At least not for a long time. I just want to be healthy. And without overriding anxiety about maintaining some fragile state or ridding myself of unwanted disease. But it was just a flicker of a thought, not a real one that I consciously crafted and mulled over - just a flash of insanity lashing out from my currently aggrieved but very much functioning uterus. Probably a result of my semi-asphyxiation. Of course I'm excited to dive in again. The possibilities seem more real every passing moment. But I will approach with trepidation. LOTS of it. So maybe it won't be so much of a dive as a sticking my little toe in. Then another, then my whole foot...I'll probably think and blog more about my next TTC process when it gets closer. I don't want to count my chickens or get ahead of myself here.

AF has also triggered my normal onslaught of "follow-up" worries. Now that the big fears have been swept out of the way in one fell swoop - my HCG did go to zero, I did get AF, I probably don't have Asherman's (or at least not severe Ashermans)....what else can go wrong? Could I have scarring still? Will I miscarry again? And more importantly, why? What is wrong with me? Are my eggs or DH's sperm (or the combination) incompatible with life? Could I have endo? Will I have a(nother) molar? An ectopic? Haywire HCG? Could I have irregular cycles now that I've had a m/c? Will this AF go on for weeks and weeks indicating that it is not, in fact, marking a return to normalcy? Did I actually have GTD? Or left over tissue....or a second pregnancy....was any of it molar? Will it recur? How long should I wait to TTC again? What if my doctors say 3 months? Will I be ready that soon? What if they say a year?

I told DH all the news. He was relieved. He doesn't know much about the medical details I've been navigating over the past...well, almost a year now since I quit bcp's. And probably because of that he feels very scared when he learns that I'm not well, when my body doesn't work. He doesn't know the why's or the when's or how's and because it makes babymaking seem like a somewhat grotesque process, I try to avoid the details with him and he doesn't ask for clarification. But I have to say, I was relieved at his unbridled relief. Especially when he said to me "you better start saving for daycare." It didn't bother or surprise me that he said "you" instead of "we" because he's been on my case since my last Coach purchase about fiscal responsibility in our household. Mostly jokingly. And he's right. I can be pretty materialistic when I get the bug. Which is roughly once a week. But mostly I wasn't bothered because he was talking about how we needed to save for DAY CARE. Which means we would need a baby first. So I tested the waters a little: "I will. I hope we ever need it." You'll have to excuse my late-night wine-inhibited grammar. I think I got the point across 'cause he said "me too. me too." I think he's starting to actually want kids. Like not just because I want them and because I'm brave enough to handle it and obviously equipped judging from how well I do with babies and how well I've done with the dogs (I think he really compares kids to dogs - our friends think he's crazy). Like he wants to have a kid already. HE does. For him. It's something he wants in his life independent of my interest in it. I think it was a sign of that anyway. He's probably starting to get tired of waiting. He's probably starting to feel like we better get to it. It was a huge relief. This week, in a year of hell, is full of relief and I intend to continue soaking it up.