Smugness

I went to visit my primary care physician yesterday. I've been with my medical group almost two years and this was the first time I ever saw her. I went because of the tick bite I got a week ago. Just by looking at it she said doesn't think it will result in lyme disease. I'm not too worried anymore since the tick came out immediately (apparently you have till the stroke of 36 hours to get the thing out or your risk goes up) and I haven't had any symptoms of infection. She said I could get a blood test in about a month if I wanted to - just to make sure I'm not infected. I asked whether, if I were infected, the antibiotics they would prescribe would still be effective that late in the game. She said yes, they're effective even in late stages. "To cure lyme disease?!" I said, in disbelief. I was under the impression that you needed to take an early course of medication to cure the disease and that if you wait too long it becomes chronic and you can only 'manage' it from there. My mom's doctor gave her a purely prophylactic round of antibiotics when she was bitten. Dr. PCP seemed perplexed by this and insisted that lyme disease could be cured at any stage and so-called chronic lyme disease is a myth. Oh. My. God. I thought - I have the nutty doctor that thinks debilitating diseases are all in people's heads. Now I do think that some people whine entirely too much about common innocuous ailments and allergies. But when people talk about lyme disease symptoms, I believe them. I don't think of it as the kind of thing people make up or complain about just to get attention or have something to talk about. Suggesting that lyme disease can be cured in one two-week dose of meds at any stage of the disease was a little much for me to handle. Don't get me wrong, I'd love for it to be true, but it's fishy. I've known people with the chronic version of the disease. My parents know people with it. They're not big on whining or made-up ailments and they said the day of the tick infestation 'you do NOT want lyme disease.' Why would people say that kind of thing if it could be cured in a week? I'm so confused. Who says real doctors are more reliable than Dr. Google? That's crap. Google is a genius.

I also went for an HCG beta today, you know, while I was there near the lab. Why not? Apparently Dr. OBG needs me to be stuck as often as possible. So now I await results (in on Monday). I saw two pregnant girls in the lab's waiting room and one with a new baby girl who was overly adorable. She had those socks with the little black mary jane print on them so it looks like she's wearing shoes. But she had the socks in her hands 'cause she wasn't really into the idea of wearing them on her feet. They were far more fun to throw. All three of them were brand new moms. I could tell without even talking to them. There were some obvious hints like - their husbands were there (for a blood draw? really?) and there were no other kids in tow. But they also had this look about them. Nervous, excited, proud, and ignorant. Blissfully ignorant. As I struggled to look away, to control the longing that crept across my face, I braced for the wave of emotions that was sure follow that kind of sight - the sight of babies everywhere, you know the one (and as an aside, it always seems so odd, like "what a strange coincidence, I was just thinking about how bad I wanted to be a mom - what a coincidence there would be THREE new moms in this very room! The universe has really turned against me!" But then I realize. I am ALWAYS thinking about how bad I want to be a mom. So the coincidence isn't a coincidence at all. It's really just inevitable.). And the emotions came. Sadness, anger, fear, jealousy - all dreadful things. But I sensed something else this time. I don't know if its the first time I felt it or if this was just the first time I noticed it. It was "smugness." I felt smug in the knowledge that I now possessed. Somehow more learned and prepared for pregnancy, motherhood, life.... Not a little idiot that goes about insensitively posting the joys of ultrasounds on FB or complaining bitterly and unabashedly about how awful pregnancy (or even AF) is. There's a sadness to the loss of "fertility innocence," but there's also wisdom and freedom. With knowledge is power. Power to not be one of those women. Freedom to appreciate every last angle of pregnancy if it ever returns to me. Would I give up all of this to be one of those ignorant innocents? Well, it would mean I could have a baby. But how could I wish ignorance upon myself? How could I wish to not know in all ways possible how very special a baby is or how precious and worthy of respect the process is? How could I wish to not be sensitive to others' needs and emotions or not to be able to understand their pain? How could I wish not to have learned the lessons that I'm learning? Would I give it all up for a blissful pregnancy? It's hard to say. When all is said and done, I might be at peace on some level that I suffered a loss. Like the amount of time and frustration I've endured was a reasonable price to pay for the perspective I gained. But I will always be a little angry too.

I don't talk a lot (at all so far?) about weight which seems to be a common topic for a lot of gals around here. This makes sense as it is a key component of reproductive health (among other desirable things). I try not to focus on it or identify too much with my weight 'cause I had a pretty extreme eating disorder as a teenager that almost killed me. In fact, it's the only thing I really worried about when we first started TTC. My AF's stopped when I was 'sick' and started up again when I got better. I wondered then, and still do now, what kind of damage I did in the interim. And just thinking about getting obsessive about my weight (diets, counting calories, watching the scale, etc.) sends me into a cycle of despair, "brings me back," so to speak to the singular most depressing and destructive episode of my childhood.

Anyway, I weighed 132lbs last year when I got pg. For the 15 years prior to that point I was a die-hard gym rat and ate pretty healthfully. I continued those healthy trends through the pregnancy. And post-miscarriage it's all gone to hell. Almost overnight. I almost never go to the gym (I used to go every day of the year, no exceptions). My only exercise is walking my dogs (an hour most days). I eat nothing but crap. Lots of sugar, more and more caffeine as the weeks pass, chocolate, wine, processed carbs, etc. I don't have much patience or time for cooking or packing a healthy lunch so I just eat processed non-perishables throughout the work day. And coffee. Did I mention I'm drinking more caffeine lately? Thank god I'm taking pre-natals or I would have probably expired from malnutrition months ago.

So you can imagine my surprise when I got on the scale and saw: 126. What?! The scale must be wrong. How could I have LOST six lbs by being a flabby, lazy, gluttonous oaf? I know this is the kind of thing that makes people hate a person - like from the looks of it, I behaved badly and was rewarded by weight loss. But this kind of thing doesn't happen magically. There has to be a reason. And since it's definitely not that I'm taking care of myself, I think it's the stress. The Unhappiness. The Depression. I'm a grazer so by all appearances I am ALWAYS eating. But maybe I'm still not eating enough. Or maybe the anxiety is better at burning it off than I fully appreciate. Maybe my appetite is suppressed. Or maybe the scale just really was broken and I'm making something out of nothing. It wouldn't be the first time.