Low points

Things seem to be getting worse. Is it the uptick in my HCG? Maybe. Maybe that paired with the five month anniversary of my D&C. And the fact that I started BBT again and my reassuringly low levels have darted up -- and I don't think it's O. I think it's the push and pull of the gestational trophoblastic tissue trying to create the environment of "pregnancy" in my body. In other words, BBT means something different when you're in my situation: Hi temps = hi HCG. Low temps = closer to normal HCG. So high ones always discourage me. I started BBT again after my levels hit 2 to see if I was starting to cycle again. I did it to reassure myself. And it's backfiring. I don't know if I'll continue.



I am trying to find comfort in Dr. OBG's words the other day: "It's probably just the margin of error. Five is basically zero." But I know these things are not true. I know the margin of error is 10%. So it wouldn't cause a swing of 3 points. And as any first grader and some well-trained parrots can tell you, five is not zero. Plus, I am getting the impression that she is hell-bent on telling me what I want to hear. Take for example, the first time I came in after the D&C and explained that I was still getting positive HPTs 9 weeks hence. I knew that my levels were still positive, not newly positive. And I explained this to her. So we tested my levels and what did she say when she called me with the results "We have a positive result!! We'll test again and then do an early u/s...I don't know if we'll be able to see anything but...." I remember thinking - why aren't you listening to me?!?! It's the same thing now. It's not helping that she's being overly optimistic. It's frustrating because I feel like she's trying to pull the wool over my eyes or that she's just not listening and that she should know by now that I'm a smart girl. Mine is the world of a realist. And a pretty sophisticated one thanks to Dr. Google. It makes me feel better when I can trust someone, even if what they're saying is not what I want to hear. I want people to be honest with me. Honestly. And it seems, more than anyone else perhaps, my doctor should be straight with me.



I feel like I'm shutting down. Closing myself off. That feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin or sleep for a few months until this all blows over is not abating. It feels like depression. I'm withdrawing from friends that have kids. And that's a lot of my friends now. I've somehow imputed ignorance and insensitivity to all of them, at least to some degree. How dare they be happy, have their babies, continue to thrive and not have to weather the storms I am weathering? I am particularly withdrawn from the friends that know about my situation. Three out of the four friends that know either have kids under 1 year old or are pregnant. I can't take anything they say innocently. I can't have any sympathy for their problems. I can't give them the benefit of the doubt because they can't understand and it's somehow disingenuous to try to understand or, heaven forbid, assume they do understand. I don't want to be around them. And these are my closest friends - which has to be true because these are the friends I told. It's like I tainted the friendships by saying something. It's like crossing the line with a guy you're really good friends with and then regretting it later because the physical relationship didn't work out and now the friendship is gone too. It feels messy. And ugly. I feel ugly. And sad. And angry that I'm feeling so sorry for myself.



I got a birth announcement from one of my good friends yesterday. I knew what it was as soon as I saw the return address. She suffered a m/c before getting pregnant with the new baby. I have every reason to empathize with her and be genuinely happy for her. She doesn't know about my situation. Last thanksgiving she announced her pregnancy. I was pregnant too at the time and I was so excited about eventually sharing my news and going through it together. And telling her how much I wanted to tell her when she announced hers. And this all hurts now to think about. And I couldn't open the envelope.

How have I become so spiteful?

Today I visited the new mom and baby. The mom is one of those women who have too many pets to take care of but a good heart and she's smart and enjoys her life which means she's someone I generally look up to...except when I notice that her dogs have no water and that her ducks don't either. Who keeps ducks in their backyard? I mean if you have one of those yards which is more like a park...complete with a pond...fine. A ranch maybe, sure. But this is your run of the mill suburban backyard. Those ducks looked kind of sad. Can ducks fly? Maybe they'll migrate as soon as they're able - apparently they're still pretty young. I hope they do.

Anyway, the baby was precious. I held her for about a half hour. I rocked her to sleep. She stayed asleep the whole time and I was gazing into her beautiful little face, holding her tiny body, chatting with her mom and keeping an eye on my dogs in the yard and thinking - this should be me. I am so beyond ready for this life. Why is babymaking taking so long to catch up with me? I can't resist mentioning that as soon as I gave the baby back to her mom she woke up and started crying. I have developed the knack. I didn't always possess it, but after I got pg and after my co workers started having babies, I took notes, I fell into the habit of thinking and acting like a mom. And lo and behold. It does come naturally. So where's my baby?

DH held the baby too. He's adorable with kids of every age and this was no exception...except that I think he gets a little bored with newborns. He's better with "kids" which is good 'cause while I'm stoked about having a baby, I'm not really sure what I will do with a three year old.

I wanted him to say something about how natural I looked or how good I was with the baby. But he said nothing. Probably because we've been in a bit of a tiff since yesterday. About the dogs. Again. The new puppy is lofting herself six feet up onto our fence and landing on the top of it, like a cat. She just walks around on the top beam and barks at whatever she can see below. And then she hops back down into our yard. Clearly this means she can escape. This is something I can't ignore even though she's never actually escaped. If she could escape, she could get hurt. And she could upset or scare our neighbors. It's trouble. And I just couldn't let it go. Or so says DH. He wanted to ignore it. She hasn't escaped yet. She loves us, she won't leave. And if she does, she'll come right back, he said. He's never had dogs. "Don't you think that's a little naive to say?" I responded. I wanted to say - this isn't the old country (he's an immigrant...or was 15 yrs ago) - we aren't related to everyone in a 10 mile radius. We don't share property and pets and kids. We are a private people, like it or not. And we get offended by rude people and we look down on those who can't control their pets and we despise those who think it's no big deal to intrude on others' lives and property. It has to be dealt with." But I said something slightly different. So we put up some chicken wire across the top of our fence. And DH is livid. He hates that I was so stressed out about the dog escaping. He hates that I instigated this 'fix' which is not all that aesthetically pleasing and is sure our neighbor will be mad. Not as mad as if he had a visit from our hyperactive puppy every other day. This is one of those battles that I feel justified in picking. But I know he sees it differently. He sees it as a product of my obsessive anxiety and as evidence that I really do care more about the dogs than him. He thinks this, but he's just being silly. And since I AM right this time, he'll get over it.