The deed is done

UPDATED

I got my first trimester genetic screening draw yesterday and I got a couple other tests with it. One was HCG and that result is already ready. I struggled with some anxiety about it last night - what if it was too high? (molar tissue is back, down syndrome marker, etc.) What if it was too low? (baby isn't surviving). On my way to work this morning I had actually decided not to look at it. I told myself that no matter what it was, I'd worry. That I'd find out soon enough the results of our NT scan and that I should just wait in blissful ignorance for that day instead of trying to prepare myself ahead of time which I know won't work. I am not, and will not, be prepared for the results regardless of how many hints I get this coming week from my blood test results.

But curiosity got the better of me. There is a normal range for HCG at this point in the pregnancy and I decided that there were a range of numbers that would make me feel better, not worse. Also I haven't checked my HCG since week four and part of the deal I made with my oncologist was that we would check HCG periodically to make sure it stayed within the normal range - to be sure there was no recurrence of molar tissue growth or anything like that. To be honest, this is one of the main reasons I was scared to check. What if the number is in the 500,000 range or something. I would have a meltdown.

The normal range according to this website for 9-12 weeks is: 25,700 - 288,000

The normal range according to my medical group website for weeks 8-12 is: 10,000 - 100,000 (it says in weeks 6-8 the normal range goes up to 200,000)

My result: 92,488

This is lower than I expected given how sick I've been, but solidly "average" and I have to say I feel ok about it and am glad I checked. I would feel even better if I had done more of these draws and could trace a pattern - HCG is supposed to peak at some point towards the end of the first tri and then start declining so I wish I had more context - HCG numbers in a vacuum are rarely indicative of anything, but I am glad the number isn't out of control high. I refuse to read much more into it given all the variables involved and the ridiculously large 'normal' range at this stage. It is what it is.

C and V keep shooting quick-but-noticeable glances toward my stomach and my, um, chest area, during conversations, I've noticed. My pants are feeling a little tight, but not too bad. C keeps making remarks about me wearing layers. Well, C, it's January. That's why I'm wearing layers.

V asked me to go to lunch today and she's notorious for asking inappropriately personal questions at inappropriate times. Asking for information that she has no right to ask for. Even though I've confided in her before about my previous pregnancy, I am admitting nothing this time, I've decided. And I will lie if I have to. I don't care if she can see right through it. At least if something goes wrong I won't have to deal with it at work. I will have set a precedent for not talking about it. And that's the whole idea. If things go wrong this time, I don't want my whole world to be about that. I don't want to identify with it as much as I did last time. I want to be able to move on and appreciate the good things in my life. So the fewer reminders, the fewer pity parties, the fewer people who identify me as the m/c girl, the better.

Update: after all that, I think I was the one who blew it. V and I were almost back to the office after an hour and a half of successfully innocuous conversation and we were talking about pregnancy and I wanted to relay an anticdote related to my current pregnancy but I knew I had to make it sound like the only experience I was going off of was my last pregnancy (which V knows about) so how does my big mouth start the story? By saying "Last time, blah blah blah blah blah." WTF Astrid!? LAST time? As opposed to what, THIS time? Really? Ugh.

V either didn't catch it or didn't say anything. If she did catch it she is showing uncharacteristic restraint which I appreciate. But I still feel pretty stupid. Last time. god.