Ten weeks

It seems kind of presumptuous to say that. 10 weeks. Because maybe I'm not. Maybe it stopped growing at 8 weeks. Who do I think I am, exactly? Calling myself 10 weeks, good lord. Way to let my dreams run away with me.


Reasons I think I might still be pregnant with a living baby:

• Nausea. Not. getting. better. Which is ok - again, it's nice to have the reminder. And this is the time it's supposed to peak. And the Zofran is helping me get to work and keep liquids down. But it's getting a little scary 'cause my insurance co rejected my last script. If I have to pay out of pocket it'll be $340 every ten days. Fortunately not all hope is lost because (a) the insurance did approve 20 pills instead of the prescribed 30 and (b) the insurance company says it will accept a prior authorization from my OBG for the full 30 plus all refills. Isn't the script itself kind of an obvious 'authorization?' I hate insurance companies. I also hate moronic bureaucracies. I picked up those 20 pills that the insurance covered and then called my OBG's office to have them issue the prior authorization for the rest. So they called the pharmacy and discovered that pills had been dispensed to me without the need for prior authorization. So they decided no prior authorization was necessary. WTF?! But maybe, just maybe, I thought, they're on to something. If I can get my insurance-approved 20 pills refilled according to the script, I may be ok for a while. So I called the pharmacy to find out if the refills of the 20 will be approved or if its just a one-time deal. They had no idea. I usually do my refills over the phone and I asked if it would reject me right then and there on the phone if the refill was not approved. "See," I explained (the obvious) "I would have to know right away if the refill wasn't going to be approved so I can call the Dr. and have her issue the prior authorization." They still had no idea. They said I'd have to try to refill the script and then try to come in and pick it up. Then we'll know. Thanks, really helpful. I guess it's a small price to pay for saving that kind of money though.


• Bbs are sore. Nipples too usually. I can't tell if they're any bigger. So maybe not.


• Breakouts galore. I seriously have been having flashbacks to high school and have been having to use way too much makeup.


• Dehydrated because no amount of liquid seems to quench my thirst and because sometimes it's hard to bring myself to drink even close to what I need thanks to the nausea. My skin is dry, pee is sometimes cloudy. It scares me because I know how important water is so I'm making a serious effort.


• I cry all the time. ALL the time. At blog posts, at emails, at thoughts swirling around in my head, at tv shows, at commercials. And not just the SPCA commercials, I cry at credit card commercials, orange juice commercials, anything with a parent and child, anything with a bride... sometimes there's no reason at all - I just cry.
• My pelvis feels a little bigger, a little firmer. My clothes still fit. By a long shot. But it feels..different. Bloated mostly. Note, this all may be a side effect of constantly stuffing my face to ward of nausea. And I do mean constantly. I can't go a half hour without carb loading. And most of these carbs come in salty form - thus the bloat and dehydration. Lovely, isn't it?

A few people have suggested dopplers to qualm my fears about how the baby is doing. I am SO the kind of person who would get a doppler. Just...not yet. Because I think that before 12 weeks it might freak me out more than it will comfort me because I might not be able to find the hb yet, even if it's there. Is this right? Doesn't it take a few weeks longer before you can hear it? If not maybe I'll get one now. My current plan was to wait until after the NT scan which will be in week 12 but if you ladies think it would be reliable before that, maybe I'll reconsider waiting that long.

I've been faking normalcy like a champ. C asked about my betas and I responded "still negative! All is well!" cheerfully. The idea is to get her to think I'm still waiting to try again. I also mentioned to her how excited I was to be invited to the wine country in a few weeks for a tasting trip by some friends of ours. There have been some tough moments though. Yesterday three people in a row (including C and V) stopped by to ask if I was going to the firm happy hour that evening. No chance. I told them I had too much work. Which is true. But seriously, this happens about once a week and I am starting to wonder if everyone thinks I hate them. I never want to hang out anymore. Shows you how much of our socializing centers on alcohol doesn't it?

The wait is killing me. I had kind of a perverse thought on my way to work today. Week ten means I could get CVS! I could know now if the baby is ok - living, healthy, chromosomal abnormality free, etc. I could even get to know the gender. There's just that small risk of miscarriage. Which I kind of face anyway, still being in the first tri and all. But no, I don't want to subject myself to any additional risk of m/c. But the price of avoiding said risk is having to wait over two more weeks. Man, it seems like a close one. But I think I'll resist the CVS unless the NT scan goes badly. There's no guarantee they could even get me in sooner than my NT is scheduled for anyway. But man, it would be nice to just know. Isn't that the whole name of the game here? What are we willing to give up, how much are we willing to pay, to what lengths are we willing to go, and how long are we willing to wait, for more information. That's it, just to know what's already going on anyway. As far as technology has come, sometimes it seems frustratingly unsatisfactory.