Wait, it's a new year? What now?

Back at work today. In my office for the first time in two weeks. I just dated a memo and put 2010 at the end. Now it feels like a new year, but there has been something anticlimactic about the whole New Year's thing for me this year. I've been thinking of this week in terms of my ultrasound, the project I have due, and a vacation my parents want me to join them on mid-month. Not in terms of January 1. As for that vacation, I am in bad bad need of a vacation, not having taken one in over a year. I've decided that if the u/s goes well I'm probably not going on the vacation. It would be too early to tell the 'rents and I don't want to spend a whole week faking it - in part because I don't think they'll buy it. Plus, I probably won't feel great. If I end up miscarrying, on the other hand, I think I will welcome the escape and seize the opportunity. I told the parents it would depend on work and that I'd let them know around the 6th or 7th.

Even New Year's Eve kind of washed over me. I was supposed to spend it at some friends' house - DH's best man throws an annual bash. There are three regular couples at this party every year and when we started the tradition, none of us had kids. Now we're the only ones without - one couple has two kids now. It all happened so fast - it's only been three years. This year I was feeling too sick to move and that was the day I was spotting so I really had no motivation to do anything but curl up on the couch. I felt bad for DH. I told him to go without me but of course he wouldn't. There weren't even any good movies to watch.

When I signed up for ICLW this month, I didn't know quite what to put as my three words... I didn't want to put 'pregnant' because what if I'm not pregnant come January 21? I didn't want to talk about loss either because that sounded too depressing. What if it turns out I have suffered a very recent loss by Jan 21? I did involve loss in my three words though, it's safer. I put 'life after loss.' That will always be applicable. I figure my blog title is enough to at least subtly suggest what the goal is here.

Anyway, I spent this weekend taking a break from it all. A break from my own head. I spent the weekend with my sister and a really good friend from law school - we got pedi's and shopped and ate and talked and I had such a good time. I've realized that while pregnancy used to seem purely exciting, it's taken on a taint of being scary and sad and overwhelming and, to be frank, it was nice not to think about it for a while. I'm so tired of the fear. As exciting as pregnancy is, the overriding anxiety and uncertainty make me feel like I want to just turn off the thoughts sometimes. To just not think about it. To let go, and let it be. And that has helped me enjoy these last few days before the first u/s. That and the zofr@n.