Most premature belly rub ever

When I mentioned in my last post that no one IRL knows about the pregnancy, I had forgotten about quite a few people. Namely, my obg, her assistant, the people at the obg office manning the phones...and the two lab techs whom I have gotten to know quite well since beginning this babymaking journey. I went to go get my first trimester screening draw last night and while I was waiting in line, the more friendly one came over and gave me - get this - a belly rub! What?!? I do not have a belly. I was pretty slim in the first place and I still only feel bloated, not even 'fat' and I could swear I don't look any different at all in the mirror. So it didn't feel like the real deal when she did it and the thing that made it feel even less like the real deal is when she she said, hand still on my stomach, "is it still in there?" Lady, I have no idea. And I think the more interesting question is whether it's still alive. Nothing has 'come out.' So it's probably still in there. But what state it's in is anyone's guess. It was all very awkward and then turned outright bad when I was told I needed paperwork for the test because it has to be sent to the county and because I didn't have said paperwork I would have to leave and come back another day. Now, being the diligent obsessive compulsive that I am, I had already called the obg's office over a week ago to get this mystery paperwork (the NT scan people warned me a while ago that I would need it) but the obg's office assured me, up and down, that I did NOT need it. That all my test orders and results would be sent around electronically and everyone would be able to see everything they needed. This is how it works for most tests but the people taking the message, not unlike the people fielding my call about my script (could be the exact same person) are stoopid and did not look any further to realize that this is a special test (nevermind that it's completely routine). It requires special paperwork. If my obg even got the message she completely wrote me off without actually thinking about what I was asking, which is just one more example of her refusing to listen to me. Why can't people just give me the benefit of the doubt? I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. What kills me is that my obg was supposed to give me the paperwork at my viability scan and must have just forgotten.

This is infuriating not only because I wasted 45 minutes of my life yesterday after having done all the legwork that should have been necessary to make it go smoothly, but also because the draw needs to happen at least a week before the NT scan if I want to have all my results tabulated at the scan appointment. And I'm nearing that one-week mark rapidly. Well, not really. I'm nearing it painfully slowly. But I'm still nearing it.

I still have that lingering feeling of not really wanting to get these tests. I feel like as soon as I scheduled the draw and the NT scan that those actions suddenly somehow caused there to arise the possibility of something being wrong. I hate the stress I am going through waiting for results and I really don't want to stress over things if they turn out to be less than "perfect." There are plenty of defects that are inconsequential and there are plenty of false positives and errors in this process. I guess I am doing it because 1) I really want to see if the baby is still alive before I start 'telling' or getting excited or any of that and 2) I'm hoping to be one of the 95% of people who walk away with good results because that would make me feel better for the remainder of the pregnancy than if I didn't get the tests to begin with. It feels like such a gamble.

Today on FB my eyes went directly to an ultrasound photo on my news feed. It was a friend of a friend's. It looks like 8 or 9 weeks. The message said something along the lines of "we're proud to announce we're pregnant!! We went to the first u/s and there's a heartbeat and it was dancing around and everything."

Now, forgive me for getting all judgy, but it seems early for them to announce this. Of course they'll have a perfect baby in 7 months. Because they don't know any better and that seems to be how it works. Bad things can only happen to you if you know about them. For some reason I get so angry when people are ignorant of how naiive they are. A friend of mine saw the same scene last year - hb, movement, etc. - and lost her baby at 11 weeks. There are a zillion stories like that. And still these people are developing pride over their good fortune and telling the world. This one wasn't even as bad as the girl I saw last week who changed her profile picture to a picture of a positive pregnancy test. She also will have a perfect baby this year, I'm sure of it.

My symptoms have been...better. Nausea in particular. Also energy. I feel less sick less often and I actually have trouble sleeping where before my head couldn't hit the pillow fast enough and I would even dose off at my desk during the day. My first instinct is, of course, to worry. But the nausea isn't completely gone, bbs are still sore most of the time, and I just keep trying to pretend I'm one of these people who 'told' in the middle of the first tri. Then I wouldn't be worried - I would just be pregnant. And everyone would know. And once you tell, the odds of something going wrong plummet. What if I had told? Then I wouldn't have to worry, right? That's how it goes, I'm pretty sure - telling absolves you of evil. Maybe I should run around and tell people right now. To immunize myself against bad news.

DH was funny last night. He came to bed after I had fallen asleep and asked how my nausea was. I think he's beginning to notice that I'm not as sick. Half asleep I mumbled "it's ok." Then came this gem: "Do you think you're getting fatter?" he asked. He probably didn't know how to put it. He knows that nausea dropping off is no good and was probably looking (like I do) for other signs to indicate that things were going ok. But like I mentioned above, getting 'fatter' is not a real reliable indicator right now. Boys are funny.