Just stopping by

I feel my posting slowing down. And it's not the "pregnancy= less blogging" phenomenon. Au contraire, prior to this point I think I've blogged more frequently since getting my bfp. I'm afraid it's the "getting-so-close-I-can-almost-taste-it-so-I-better-just-forget-about-it-or-I'll-drive-myself-crazy-or-jinx-it = less blogging."

If I was a betting person, I'd say today, the peanut is still in there. Alive and kicking. My symptoms are ratcheting up by the day. That means vomiting notwithstanding the zofran now. I still made it into work today but I'm not sure how much longer that's going to last. I can barely stand up or speak to people or read without feeling that sweaty, weak, panicky I'm-gonna-puke feeling. I've resorted to all saltines all the time. Last night I made myself plain steamed rice for dinner. With a little soy sauce. I tried some rainbow sherbet (something I've been craving) for dessert and even that was too much for my poor system to handle. And while the feeling of constant debilitating nausea is quite miserable, in itself, there are still moments when all I can think is "F yeah, bring it! More more!" because I know it's a good sign. I just struggle to balance the goodness of retching with the goodness of hydration and nutrition. No more spotting, not since NYE. And my skin is finally coming around to the fact that I'm knocked up. That took longer than I expected.

I have somehow been able to avoid people that I know are on pregnancy watch. Especially V and C. That is my only goal for now. Avoid avoid avoid. Avoid the subject, avoid being around people when I'm sick (which is always), avoid saying the words out loud. So it may be patently obvious what's going on, but I haven't had to deal with it yet. I don't plan on dealing with it until after the NT scan. Even if that means my whole office thinks that I've turned into a slacker bitch who shows up at 9:30, leaves before 5, bills next to nothing and won't talk to anyone. Hopefully, hopefully, there will be a perfectly good explanation forthcoming in a few weeks.

Before I got pregnant this time I used to think I really wanted to blind-side people with the news. I wanted them to have NO idea it was coming. I think ideally, I'd still want it that way. But I don't think it's possible at this point. And given that this sickness is making the ideal scenario impossible by recklessly giving me away, I almost hope they understand what's going on so they don't judge my new habits too harshly. For example, I hope my boss gets a clue before he starts deliberately withholding work and suggesting that maybe I'd be happier somewhere else. And I hope C doesn't press for that happy hour this week. I'd rather just let the elephant stand there in the room for a while. I don't mind him as much as I thought I would.

DH asked yesterday about when I would go on maternity leave and how long it would last. I told him I didn't know, I didn't want to think about it yet. But of course I knew. The calculation was done automatically in my head, even before we conceived. Eventually he got it out of me. It's amazing when I slip and allow myself into that world where everything works out. It really is a great feeling. But one of those kinds of great feelings where you feel immediately guilty afterwards.