In search of my morning sickness

UPDATED at the bottom

Two days ago I was convinced that I was going to have to start taking four of my 4mg zofr@ns a day (instead of the prescribed three) to ward off the nausea. It was that bad. I'd take a pill and I'd feel just barely able to get off the couch, and six hrs later I'd be debilitated again. I was wondering how I was going to explain this "increased dose" idea to my obg.

But then, yesterday, I took two. One at 10am, one at 2pm and by bedtime...I didn't need another one. Commence freaking out. I felt really normal. I actually could take gulps of water and almost anything sounded good to eat. I was devastated. This could be the beginning of the end. I didn't sleep well. I was too worried, my mind was racing - I was thinking things like "I will not opt for the D&C again because I've already had one and don't want to increase my chances any further of incompetent cervix. So that meant they'd have to induce a m/c medically. Which would be painful and may require a couple days away from work. I can't miss any more work - please don't let this all be a waste! Maybe I can do the meds next weekend. We'd have to call off that luncheon with SIL but DH will understand... And the pain it will cause - why is it all so unfair?!"

When I did sleep I had bad dreams. I dreamed I was back at work and saw C walking down the hall towards my office with another co-worker's new baby. Instead of getting all genuinely excited about babies! the way I have been since getting my bfp, in my dream I just spun on my heel and walked as quickly as I could back into my office, pretending not to see her. I was insensed and bitter and angry even in my dream.

In the dark of night I tried to explain to myself that maybe zofr@n has a cumulative effect. Maybe after a few days of taking it, the symptoms really begin to disappear and you don't need as much of the drug. And maybe it takes longer to wear off after taking it for a few days (as opposed to just a one-time dose). But I don't know if that's right. Correct me if I'm wrong but I think it just works 8-12 hrs and then you go right back to where you started from, which for me, was dead sick. I even tried to convince myself that weaning off the zo!oft was compounding my nausea and now that the zo!oft is out of my system, the nausea has dissipated. But I know that's not right. The severe nausea came before the weaning. It was really a great forcing function - I couldn't keep the zo!oft down anyway. But now, is it all for nothing?

I decided to give it until this morning off the meds - and right now I feel mildly nauseus. Not nearly as bad as I have been, not completely myself. It's been almost 24 hours since my last dose and I feel unsatisfyingly stable. My bbs still hurt, which is nice consolation. But I've heard so many horror stories about symptoms going away. Right around now. Maybe I won't get to see that heartbeat.

Does anyone have any experience with zof@n that sounds like this? Does it really take the edge off this long after a dose? Also, has anyone's m/s symptoms ever taken days off? Or gotten slightly better so soon (DH said maybe it was my body 'getting used' to the hormones - but my understanding is that you're lucky if that happens by week 13, not week 7)? PLEASE, no sugar-coating. Like I said, I'm already making plans in the event of confirmation of the demise of my pregnancy this Wedns. I feel like I've already mourned it somewhat.

UPDATE

Thank you everyone for putting up with my daily freak-outs. Your comments are incredibly helpful and reassuring.

Kelley: Your comments about what the dr. said are helpful. It's great to get advice from someone who knows. Whenever I ask my obg a question she always starts the answer with "I don't think I can answer your question because there aren't really any studies on this that we're aware of..." What a cop-out.

Alyssa: I remember when you mentioned your disappearing symptoms and I even checked your blog archives so I could read that post for reassurance. It was back in October! Man, how time flies - I'm SO glad everything is working out for you!

Jen: It could be a bug...although I had a stomach bug last year and this feels different. Longer, more drawn out, and not quite as accute on a daily basis. But of course there are lots of bugs and I'm no doctor, I have no way to know, so I can't really rule anything out.

Katery: Thanks, that's what I'm hoping - that this kind of thing ebbs and flows. I would be a complete wreck if I didn't get m/s at all. Hopefully you aren't as much of a nervous nellie as I am and were able to enjoy it a little.

Anyway, I've been feeling bad enough today that I re-started the zofran this afternoon. Not as bad as the past week, but kinda sick and lethargic. I have company tonight so I need to look halfway normal. Luckily, 'pale' is normal for me. Ha ha.

Only time will tell here - I have to remember that. There's nothing I can do. NOTHING.