Leftovers

So to tie up the goings-on this week...

When I was still in her office for the viability scan, my obg said I should get the flu and h1n1 vaccines. "During the first tri?" I asked. "Yes." She said, unequivocally. And then she sent a nurse in to see if I wanted to do it that very moment. Good lord, it's like there was a memo about putting all pg women on lockdown until they agreed to the stabs. I told them I would think about it. I do think about it. A lot. But I'm still not comfortable doing it the first tri. Not just because I'm unsure of mercury content and autism rumors, but also because I don't want to suffer any more symptoms than I already am right now. I don't need a fever on top of the nausea and dehydration thankyouverymuch. Probably some of you think I'm being irresponsible. Careless. I am taking my health and that of the fetus (it's a fetus today!) seriously and being compulsive about staying germ-free. I know you can't be 100% careful but I'm getting pretty close. And so far so good. So I'm going to think about it a little longer.

She also said I could double my zofran dose if I needed to. Currently I'm taking 4mg 3x a day. And that is not quite enough to help me function normally all day. I can get through 3/4 of a workday but that's it, no walking the dogs. That's not enough. I'm behind at work and my poor dogs need their daily walks. So now she's sanctioned 8mg 3x a day. Wow, that seems like a lot. I'm trying to figure out the goal here. Is it to feel completely normal 24/7? I can take a little nausea and a little less medication if it helps the embryo (still an embryo 'til tomorrow) stay safer. But the obg seems not to care much about the bigger dose. So hey, have at it, right? I tried gradually going up yesterday. But I ended up needing the full 24mg. Yesterday was the first day I actually threw up since starting the medication. A telling sign that it's not as effective as it was in the first week. Whether that means it's losing its efficacy or that my sickness is getting worse, I don't know.

I asked when the next scan was - my obg said not until 20 weeks! What? Unless I decide to do the NT scan. Which I probably will. That will be a nightmare for me because I get so worried. I mostly just want to go to see if the peanut made it out of the first tri (they wouldn't schedule the NT until a week into the second tri). I guess by then I might be able to just get a doppler.

When I went down to the lab after my appointment, my favorite lab tech asked how I was. I see her all the time down there. Every time I come in for my HCG draw pretty much and we've gotten to know each other a little bit. Like I know that she has seven daughters(!). She's always been very sweet about my situation - she and this one other tech know pretty much all the gritty details about how the HCG wouldn't go down and then how I was hoping for it to stay at zero. They've been with me, so to speak, through the whole ordeal. She's very sweet and well intentioned but she's also the kind of person that tells you that if you just relax, it will happen. So I've just taken her well-wishes for what they're worth and then retreated to my bitterness. But yesterday, I couldn't hide my excitement. When she asked how I was I responded "Guess how I am!" She dramatically leaned over to spy on the tests my obg had ordered and upon seeing that it was for about a zillion things instead of just the one HCG draw she literally jumped up and down and ran around the desk, interrupting the whole line of people to give me a big hug and congratulations. It was really sweet. And nice to be able to tell someone.

The 20 week scan magically got scheduled for me already. I have an appointment in March, related to this pregnancy. What confidence they all have that I will still be pregnant in March. It really seems like something that may never happen. Something I should pencil in. Something I don't need to plan around 'cause the odds of it actually being necessary seem so small. I felt like telling the diagnostic imaging guy: No, I don't need an actual anatomy scan, I'm just pretending to be pregnant. I'm not ever going to get to be so lucky as to have an actual baby. It doesn't work that way for me.

DH asked when we should tell people. I would like to wait until I'm about 25 weeks. If things go well though, I don't think I'll be able to wait. And my body will certainly give itself away. So maybe 14 weeks? As long as I think I can go without being visually obvious.



So as for that vacation. I'm not going. I have been too sick and I realized I would have to tell my parents and I'm not ready for that. I don't want it to be like this. "I'm pg mom and dad. But don't get excited about it, don't tell ANYONE, and don't even talk to me about it because it's too early." If and when I ever get to announce this I want them to be able to revel in the excitement. To breathe it in and out. To brag. To really be able to expect a grandchild. And even if they suspect something now, it's different when you tell them for sure. So I'm holding out. Hoping that all this self-discipline will pay off. Sometimes I think I should just tell the world. Today. At 8 weeks. The rationale there is that everyone I know who has ever told 'too soon' has ended up having a perfect pregnancy and a healthy baby. That's what happens. The blissfully ignorant get more blissfully ignorant. Somehow I know that's not a hard and fast rule though. So somehow I will resist.

Not telling C will be tricky though. We used to get a drink every thursday or friday. I can only make up so many excuses. She's on baby watch. I'm pretty sure she will figure it out soon. The question eventually will be whether to just ignore the elephant in the room or to start treating her like a shoulder to lean on. To share everything. I'm not really at risk of anyone else finding out too soon. And I like C. But she's kind of conservative about this kind of thing. When she was pg she didn't tell anyone until she was 13 weeks even though close friends were blatantly asking her. She refused to confide in a single person. I don't want her to get all judgy if I decide to share my news with her early. Especially since I shared last time. She was one of the ones who knew. And she probably thinks I should know better by now. I do know better. But I'm still me. I'm still an open book. I think I'll just see how it goes.