How 'bout some living while you wait

I'm starting to divorce myself from this pregnancy again. The same way I tried to do during the month between my BFP and viability scan. I find myself not wanting to talk about it. Not wanting to think about it. Refusing to allow myself to even window-shop for maternity clothes or fantasize about how I will tell people. It doesn't feel safe to believe yet.


I wish I could forget altogether for a while. It's going to be one whole long month before we know anything more - whether it's alive, whether it's healthy - and if I keep struggling with this "what is it safe to get excited about and what should I stay away from so as not to get my hopes up?"... if I keep living in that struggle for 30 more days, I will drive myself absolutely nuts. So not thinking about it would be easier. Of course that's impossible. I thought about it this weekend when I had to tell my parents I couldn't go with them on their vacation, I thought about it last night as my SIL was telling me about her labor experience and child-rearing (as far as I can tell she has NO idea about the pregnancy, it was just a coincidence), I wondered how much it was safe to participate in the conversation, and how engaged it would be appropriate to seem.

I can't forget, of course. I have to treat my body like its pregnant. And my body certainly treats me like it's pregnant...so far...thankfully. It's always on my mind. Beyond passing on the wine and brie it manifests in justifiably sleeping in, keeping track of how many zofr@ns I've taken today, uncontrollable weepiness in front of the TV. I am very much pregnant. This is the prototypical pregnancy. But because that doesn't bring me enough comfort that it will be healthy, I continue to deny, deny, deny.

A month is a really long time to suffer through these symptoms without knowing what will happen on the other side. This is another reason I need to try to forget. Because it's not right to think of this process as "worth it" if, at the end of the month everything looks good or "not worth it" if there's no heartbeat. If this pregnancy is unsuccessful it would not be healthy to lament that I've spent six months in the first trimester over the last year and have no baby to show for it. This is the process. I have to accept it. And if I can't accept it, I have to distract myself from perceived injustices and have to find a way to live while I wait.

So I will work as hard as possible. I will fill my thoughts with other things. I will not put up a ticker counting down to the NT scan. I will try not to talk about the scan much at all after this post. I will continue to give DH one-word answers when he raises the subject. He's adorable and I so very much want to indulge him, but I can't. When I'm crying over some show he tells me not to be sad because it will make the peanut sad. He tells me he's excited and asks if I'm excited. "I will be," I respond, "if everything goes ok with the next appointment." He responds "Well fine, you be depressed, but I'm going to be excited."

I realize it's a vicious cycle that I'm in. I'll be happy if everything goes ok at the next appointment. The next u/s. The next __[fill in the blank]___. I'll be excited if the birth goes ok. I'll be happy when the kid turns three and hasn't displayed any signs of autism. I'll be happy when the kid turns 18 and has never gotten in trouble with drugs. I have this image of perfection and am already imposing it on this little being and coming dangerously close to setting myself up so that I will never be satisfied. This I will try to avoid and I know many of you will suggest it starts right now. With this next appointment. That I should just let it wash over me. But the NT scan is a big deal. It will tell us everything about how our lives will progress in the near future. It will tell us whether we can finally 'tell.' And I know it's hard to know until it happens, but I fell like a good appointment will make me feel secure in the knowledge that I am having a baby. Not merely pregnant. Of course it will never be certain, but my point is that I believe I will let myself get excited if it does go well.

I don't know how people manage these waits. I have done so many but this one seems harder. All I know is that the days will pass. And that one day, the wait will be over. That is one thing I have learned in all of this. That the day will come. The one you're waiting for. It's amazing when that happens. Because it really does seem impossible sometimes. But it's not. Emphatically not. In fact, the one thing we can absolutely rely on is that time will pass. We will get there.