What dreams may come

I had some weird dreams last night. One was about getting stung by multiple scorpions which would grow from tiny microscopic things into big scary monstrous things in a matter of minutes. Another was about visiting someone whose kitchen was disgusting beyond words. I got rather perturbed when they used my k!ean kant3en as a juice glass without asking and then I was even more upset because I really didn't think I could clean it, given the state of their kitchen. Plus, I didn't want to be rude by demanding it back and then sterilizing it on the spot. I eventually just left it there and left the house. How passive aggressive of me. But then I kept forgetting important things and having to return and it was all very awkward.

And then I had a very vivid dream that involved a conversation between me and one of my co-workers who just got back from maternity leave. She and I are pretty close...for co-workers. This was her second baby. In my dream she confided in me that her babies were AI babies and that her youngest was the result of FET. I remember feeling this overwhelming sense of - I guess part of it was relief, but also a great deal of empathy. I was not the only one after all. The only one of us women in this office - well actually the only one in my (real) life, seemingly - that is having trouble. What I am going through was suddenly not so abnormal and scary and isolating. I've mentioned the insensitivity I've noticed from other new-mom co-workers and I don't think I have to explain to you girls the distance that erupts between fertile and infertile friends all to often. That she was successful notwithstanding her bad luck made me feel that maybe I could be successful too. I responded, in my dream, how I could totally understand all that she must have gone through and how sorry I was. I of course haven't personally gone through it but I have learned a lot from this community, particularly with respect to the myriad painful and arduous processes and rituals involved in IVF and FET cycles. And I tried to relay to my friend how very much I understood - I wanted her to know so badly that I "got" it. It was important to me that she not think I was offering only empty sympathy. This was the real deal, I wanted her to know. She could confide in me. She could trust me.

I remember thinking in my dream how I would blog about this conversation with my co-worker. How I too had a real-life IF revelation story now. I had met someone like me IRL.

But then I woke up and remembered that I am the only one. In the real world, the friend in my dream got pregnant effortlessly. Twice. Just like all the others. The relief and bond I felt to her drained out of me like someone had just pulled the plug out of a warm fluffy bubble bath. Although I guess that bath wasn't so warm and fluffy to begin with given that our common ground was so awful a place.

Upon waking, I immediately recalled the reality of her story. She's kind of a perfectionist, a consummate overachiever, and when she didn't fall pregnant after two months of trying she had her husband 'tested.' Turned out, she had gotten pregnant that second month and was already several weeks along when they got the SA (imagine that!). She had just been confused because she got what she thought was a period after getting pregnant and assumed she was therefore not pregnant. Incidentally she is the reason that I take one last HPT even after AF shows up. Which is silly because it means I cling to hope even as CD 1 passes me by. Talk about delusional.

I'm not looking for meaning here. I'm not superstitious. Just wanted to vent and remind myself that there is a whole world of people out there that do understand.