Single digits

My ticker counts down to when I think AF will arrive so it's still premature to start celebrating. I think I won't be truly excited (and commensurately scared) until and unless my beta on Oct 20th comes back clean.

But unless that beta says otherwise, we're TTC! Right now! Well, not right now. And not even this cycle. But I'm on CD 24, FF detected ovulation back on CD 18, and I'm already starting to feel the telltale signs of PMS. I can't believe I may actually survive until the end of The Wait. I never before thought it possible, but I'm starting to believe it might happen. I might actually reach square one! How depressing to have waited so long and worried so much and gone through everything I have just to start over. And yet exciting that I've been healthy so far, that my cycles have been regular, and that I'll be able to refocus my energy on starting a family. It's all very weird for me these days.

Also, FB slapped me in the face a couple days ago. Harder than usual. There is this guy, let's call him Joe, who tried to get me to date him a large number of years ago. I was in the early stages of dating DH and even then was madly in love with DH and thus rejected Joe. Joe had told me he loved me, had gotten me expensive gifts (which I told him I couldn't accept), had composed playlists and would write to me and tell me how very wrong for me he thought DH was. Joe was a little crazy, as you can probably deduce. And some of these actions, paired with his other antics in life, led me to the conviction that he and I would not be right together, even if I wasn't with DH. Which I was. Nothing ever happened between Joe and I. He finally got the message. Eventually he went off and got married. Then I did. And now we are FB friends. And yesterday I read an update from him telling the world how unfair it was that his wife could feel 'the baby' kicking but that he couldn't just yet, maybe in a few weeks. I had no idea that they were expecting until I read it and I was crushed. I don't know why. We're not really in contact anymore, I NEVER see him, I never had feelings for him, I don't know his wife, we've never met. I thank my lucky stars every day that I didn't fall for Joe and that I did end up marrying DH. So why should I care? Why should I be hurt by this? Well, I was. And I don't think it will be the last time. But I hope it is. I hope by the next pregnancy announcement I'm well on my way to motherhood. But somehow that sounds just too easy. I am putting so much pressure on myself for this next cycle. So much hope is funneling through my veins these days. Despite the fear and trepidation I am allowing myself to hope because I feel like it has to work out sooner rather than later. This has to be my time, I have been through enough and now it's time for something to go right. I am so adamant in this that the intensity of my hope itself scares me - along with all the other fears I'm contending with. Fears of cancer and beta hell and further "procedures." It's all a bit much to take. So here I go to distract myself with work.