The nerve of some fertiles

IF bloggers often talk about losing friends IRL to...well, pregnancy and parenthood, mostly. Never have I come so close to actually alienating, perhaps permanently, friends IRL as a result of being a childless, almost-30-yr-old, struggling to conceive, than I have this week. The strange thing is not that I'd eventually lose friends over this. That seems pretty much inevitable. The strange thing is that this time, it's not me distancing myself from them. It's not me feeling like I can't handle their company because it comes laden with insensitivity and ignorance and the dangling of what I don't have in front of my face or more-fertile-than-thou judgement. Me coming up with excuses, avoiding social events, and deciding to risk friendships just to be away from said ignorant insensitive parents.

The weird thing is that this time it's they who are excluding me. I didn't expect this and I think that's part of why it seems to hurt more than if it were my call in the first place. The other reason it hurts more is exactly because it's not my call; I'm not in control. Even if I wanted to maintain these relationships, even though I have been putting my best foot forward and swallowing my pride and bitterness and stifling tears, it seems that nothing can save these rapidly unraveling ties. I never expected it to go like this.

I have two co-workers I've mentioned in the past who are pretty good friends (or so I had been deceived into thinking), both of whom know most of the details of my m/c and molar pregnancy ordeal. I trusted them, so I told them. They are two of four people IRL on this whole planet who know (other than me and DH).

One of these co-workers, I'll call V, has an 18 mo son. The other, C, has a 10 month old son. V confided in me today that she had invited C and her family over for lunch this past Sunday (yesterday) along with another couple and their kid. She expressly pointed out that she had NOT invited me and DH. Normally this is not the kind of thing you'd just up and tell someone, I mean who wants to hear that they were purposefully left off of the invite list of a function hosted by a friend to which other of her friends were invited? And what kind of sick hostess would be so eager to point it out? But V probably was afraid that if she didn't tell me, I'd hear it from someone else (like C) and wanted to be up front about it. V followed the news of the non-invite with an attempt to explain away the transgression and claimed that the reasons were four-fold:

1. C and her family live closer to V's house than me and DH do. This is true, C's family lives closer by 10 minutes (DH and I live about 20 minutes away from V). Now, call me crazy, but isn't the question of whether the drive is too long something best left up to the guest? Like did she think she was doing me a favor by saving me ten minutes of gas? And was she so sure I'd object to those 10 minutes that she took it upon herself to make the decision for me? So dear readers you might be forgiven for thinking this rationale is a little odd. Because it turns out to be BS. Not unlike the second, third, and fourth reasons she gave:

2. V was afraid she'd have to take a call from work in the middle of lunch and was concerned about that because her husband doesn't know my husband very well. Actually she said the two had "never met." Which is untrue. They've met twice. More importantly, DH is very well-acquainted with C and her husband. They've hung out on several occasions and do just fine. So I fail to see what the problem would be if V slipped out of the room for a few minutes. Or even for the entire day. Heaven forbid that DH gets to know Mr. V a little better and has a good time with C and Mr. C. And then there's me who would also be there to keep DH entertained...

3. Reason number three was that there weren't enough chairs. She said her husband pointed out that there weren't enough chairs and that it was true! They didn't! Imagine that. I hate to dignify this with a response, but really? When has two chairs ever made or broken an invite? Aren't there always places to sit? Maybe not if you're talking about 8 people vs. 50 people, but this was a question of 6 people vs. 8. Come. on. this is getting insulting...well, actually, let's be honest, it's already beyond insulting...

4. This last one was a gem. "You and DH are the only ones without kids...[at this point the silence gets more awkward than it has been at any point previously during the conversation (which was all pretty awkward) as I tried to find breath, I was positively writhing with pain at this point because I already knew that the real reason behind the non-invite couldn't be quite as innocuous as insufficient chairage or that DH doesn't know Mr. V well enough]...[and get how she tries to sugar coat this]...and I didn't want to subject you to all those screaming kids when you and DH are still kid free!" Kid free. Me and DH are so lucky. Please, save us from what you have to endure. Even if she didn't know about my situation, this would be another decision best left up to the guest to decide. But she does know. How could she?

I almost threw up. "Got it." I said. And changed the subject, quickly. She kept revisiting the issue, like she wanted me to expressly forgive her. And get this, she kept telling me how much she and Mr. V wanted to have us over to her new house. If that were true, she would have had us over. Period. That's how it works. I've hosted a few get-togethers myself. If you're having a house party and really want to invite a certain couple, you don't sit with your husband and argue over how many chairs there are.

I told her "it's fine" but I don't think I really got over the shock until sometime this afternoon. Hopefully she could read it in my face. I said it was fine, but it wasn't. But what else could I have said in the moment? Actually I can think of plenty of things, but she's a co-worker. I have to work with her so it's probably better that I didn't say much. I need to start thinking of her more in those terms (co-worker) instead of deceiving myself into thinking I can trust her (friend).

It's one thing that she held a lunch for parents with kids and didn't invite me. I would feel a little sad at the reminder that I'm not a parent but I'd understand it if it was a 'playtime lunch' or a 'kids party.' I don't have a kid. Makes sense that I wouldn't be invited. But this isn't that simple. V considered inviting me and DH, decided against it because she presumed we wouldn't fit in, realized she had to tell me something, in case it got out, wrought her brain for plausible explainations, and then made the audacious step of telling me about the non-invite and presumptions and excuses in all of their glorious detail. This is what has me really upset. The condescension, the insult, the idiocy...

I am someone who likes to have more information, rather than less. I like to know what's going on. I like being 'in' on gossip (well, the true stuff, anyway) and I tend to err on the side of having more information, even if it's not what I want to hear. But this has been one of those rare occasions where I just wish she wouldn't have told me. It really hurts.

I guess the silver lining is that at least I know this about her now. At least I'll know to protect myself in the future.