Me and FF are on the rocks

CD 30. AF could arrive any minute. And it feels like she might. But I don't really expect her for another day or so. This is supposed to be the last AF that I look forward to. And the first cycle of TTC for one year. If she arrives on the 16th I will die 'cause that will be one year to the day from my LMP date when I got pg.

I wasn't too angsty before today. You'd think I would be, this is a highly anticipated AF. But I haven't been too wrapped up in it, which is good. I think it's because I'm enjoying the childless lifestyle as much as possible, I'm plenty distracted, and there are still some hurdles to overcome even after AF. I still need to "pass" my beta test. And after that, my body actually needs to show signs of O. Then the stars need to align and DH needs to be 'cooperative,' during the critical timeframe. Then I can really say we're TTC.

Speaking of O, that whole subject has really brought down my day. Specifically, this morning FF reneged its detection of O this month and it has sent me into a tither about whether I really O'ed or not and if not, why the H not?! Here's the summary: I had higher than normal temps at the beginning of the month. But they came down. And then my temps did a high-jump on exactly the right day and there was the appropriate amount of cramping and ewcm and then my temps climbed up to the level they should be post-O. But a couple days ago, the temp was down again. And today it's down (didn't temp in between). I think the low point a couple days ago was due to my falling asleep and letting the thermometer slip a little before it registered a temperature. The low point today was likely due to either an earlier wake up time or impending AF. Either way, I can explain it all away. But FF had the nerve to remove my perfectly solid crosshairs today and now claims it can't detect whether I Oed this month! As if. And while I know I probably did O, and right on time thankyouverymuch, I can't help but be hurt by this betrayal-by-software. And it's giving me insecurities. Maybe I didn't...maybe the cancer is back...maybe my beta will be positive... Or maybe my ovaries did dry up and die the very cycle before we were finally going to try again and I should have started trying last month because it was my last chance, just as I feared!

I hate this. And I hope that by a couple weeks from now I will be able to shed these insecurities and consider myself healthy and ready to grow a baby. But I fear that the risk-averse perfectionist in me will always hear my hateful-bitch-obg's voice over my shoulder "...should've waited a few more months..."

Part of me wants to ditch FF altogether. And part of me is glad I have so meticulously recorded my bodily goings-on over the past year. But then the first part of me says "why, so when you're finally in a 2ww you can spend hours a day scrutinizing every little twinge and obsessing over why you can't tell whether you're pg 6 days dpo?!!"

I've used FF to record my recovery from GTD and that has been helpful. It's allowed me to count how many months it's been since my last MTX injection, I recorded the doseages, frequency, etc. of those injections. It's allowed me to record my beta results and the frequency of those. It's allowed me to determine whether my cycles are 'back to normal.' But maybe now that they are, it's time to let go. It's not just a way to record data, it's also a control thing for me. I like to think I'm doing everything possible to succeed and that I can deduce things from data I wouldn't otherwise pay attention to. But the truth is, now that I know roughly when I ovulate, and now that I know I am lucky enough to ovulate in the first place and to do so fairly regularly, maybe I don't need to deduce more than that. And maybe I can't. Maybe I think I'll be able to figure out that I'm pregnant 5 days before I would otherwise know, but I probably won't be able to with certainty. And even if I could, would that be such a good thing? Maybe this time I don't want to know anything until a good solid two weeks later. Maybe this time I won't test until that two weeks is over. And maybe I'll only test once. Maybe I'll be able to deduce the information I need to know in time and don't need to monitor myself minute-to-minute. Maybe I should be more productive and helthful with that time. Less obsessed.

At one time, early in this process I was instructed by my hateful-bitch-obg to put the thermometer away. She said the whole BBT was completely useless. Now first I'd like to say that I emphatically disagree with her. I think it's entirely useful. But I think I've gleaned most of the information I need to know from it. And while, when she told me to put it away I thought that would take a feat of self-restraint stronger than I could ever muster, these days it doesn't seem like it would be that difficult. In fact, it would probably be a relief. There is no more excitement. Getting knocked up is no longer a fun preoccupation or a hobby. The fear and seriousness that have seeped into my dream of becoming a parent have squelched any naiive thrill I used to get over logging in every day and dutifully recording my temps and symptoms and watching my personal data turn into a neat little chart. It's not all about temps and symptoms anymore. It's not all about finding out how big the embryo is this week or what kind of symptoms I will be experiencing. It's about something much bigger. Survival, basically. The rest is small stuff that I no longer want to sweat about. So forgive me FF if I stray, I'm just not getting what I used to out of this relationship. I've gone just about as far as I think I can with you. It's not you, it's me. It's just not fun for me anymore.