CD 30 = CD1

So after all my ranting in my last post, FF decided to put my cross hairs back up. Solid as the day is long.

Ok so it probably wasn't exactly because of my ranting. It was because AF ARRIVED!!! Pushing that last temp to the next cycle made the prior cycle's temps resemble the normal curve such that O was re-detected.

AF came a day earlier than last month and my first instinct was to be thrilled, I did a little dance in the bathroom even. It's kind of embarrassing to admit. But it was a great moment. THIS IS IT! Maybe my last AF before, well, potentially before next year sometime.

But then fear took over. I realized AF had arrived at 10pm and I couldn't sleep that night. What if my body isn't ready? What if the cancer is still in there? What if I haven't been careful enough about my diet, exercise, cultivating my marriage, what if my beta doesn't go well, what if it does but I have a chemical pregnancy or another molar, how badly will it hurt to be back in beta hell, what happens if I become one of those moms who die of cancer shortly after the birth of their baby, what if everything doesn't go perfectly??

"I'm not worried." "Do what you want Astrid, she'll do whatever I say." "Six and 12 month wait times are arbitrary and outdated." "Your case is resolved." These are the things I have to force through my brain to make me feel better. I AM SO SCARED. I thought I'd be scared to try again after I knew I had miscarried. The emotional pain from the loss and the physical pain of the D&C was devastating. But I had no idea the potential scope of my fear to try again until I was diagnosed with pregnancy-induced cancer. This is fear. And I'm not sure how I'm going to deal.