So it's CD 16. I think I "O" between today and the 18th. We've commenced BD-ing. And man, to hear DH tell it, you'd think I was putting him through some kind of boot camp. Really, is it so much to ask?
Here is a sampling of the things he said last night:
"You don't love me, you just want me for my swimmers."
"I'm on strike."
"Do we have to do it tonight?"
This is the part about TTC that I dread. We are lucky enough, or ignorant enough, to be doing things the natural way for now. I've been dutifully temping and checking and charting and have pinned down the day range when I think I O, but there is no telling for sure of course, so I've expanded our scheduled efforts to about 5 or 6 days. I have undergone HELL this year, all the doctor visits, all the blood draws, the chemo injections, not knowing when I would get better or if I would return to normal. I have endured the wait, I've been religious about prenatal vitamins and extra folic acid and vit. D, and all I ask from DH is that he express some "willingness" for about a week. And he resists and makes comments like the above sampling. He jokes and acts all put out and makes it SO difficult for me which would be frustrating enough on its own but makes me all the more irritated because of all that I've gone through already. Isn't this part supposed to be easy? Fun even? He's stressed because of work, he doesn't like the idea of doing it on demand, he thinks babies should just 'appear.' "If it's meant to happen it will" kind of mentality. Haven't we been through enough to disavow him of this delusion? Have I protected him too much from my struggles that he still thinks things aren't so bad that he actually needs to start making an effort?
And really, it's not much of an effort right? I mean I'm just asking him to do what married people do if-ya-know-what-I-mean. I'm not asking him to undergo a medical procedure or climb mt. everest. For F's sake. And believe me, even though I can't understand why he thinks he deserves a break, I'd love to give him one. But it will just mean starting from ground zero next month.
I think the biggest problem here is that I want kids more than he does. He thinks he can live without them (but is the kind of person who will wonder why we didn't do this earlier, once they're here). So I can't dangle anything over his head. In his mind it's like he's doing me this huge favor. It's a pretty crummy feeling and when paired with the agony of wanting this so bad and only having a few days to make it happen and having expended so much time and energy and emotion figuring out the optimal few days it's almost more than I can take. I want to tell him all of this, I want to make him understand. But like I said, I want it more so I can't be issuing ultimatums. What to do...
14 years ago
4 comments:
I'm sorry, but please know you are not alone!!!
I have had the same feelings, and at times the same response from my Hubby. I wish I could say I had an answer but really I don't. I had to break down and tell him how I was feeling, I tried to be as frank as I could without being all ultimatum-ish! BD is an important part of the journey, and even though it's on demand and may not be appealing on each day it needs to be done, it's something that HAS to be done otherwise all the other efforts/work, pills, vitamins, tears, etc would have been done for nothing. I think for a brief second he saw the importance, I hope.
I wish you luck! It's a stressful thing and a hard conversation, I pray his eyes are opened!!
Did we marry brothers?
Before we began TTC- my DH never refused sex. EVER. After TTC it became this excuse or that and allt he things you wrote, yep said all those too.
We sat down and had a long talk about it. He said he felt likeh e was being used. So we agreed that even if the reason I'm initiating sex because I'm ovulating, I wouldn't tell him. For the most part that worked but there were some days like this current pregnancy where I did have to tell him, "look this is it, this is our chance." He didn't like that and he was unwilling to try the next day. So we tried only once (maybe twice) instead of the usual week long.
My point is, your husband is not the only one but it doesn't make it any easier. I know that having a frank conversation did help me. Not a random conversation but one where we sat down and had dinner and that was all we talked about.
Maybe it might help? Oh- and the conversation has to happen MULTIPLE times.
Think, three year old. Yep.
oh my god, i went through that for almost two years, although my husband was a little more willing, it still took all the romance out of our sex life though.
There's something about TTC that makes men think that we only see them as a sperm bank. I think it's a black widow type thing where they see us coming at them and it freaks them out. I totally agree with Kate's comment too.
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