"HCG Results Day" or "We're go for launch!"

Results: less than 2.

The draw itself on Monday was painful. But the lab techs made me feel like an old friend which was nice:

Tech: "Where have you been? We were just talking about you the other day! We thought maybe you weren't coming in anymore 'cause you were....y'know. [dramatic shrug]" By [dramatic shrug] it was clear that she meant "pregnant."

Me: "Not yet, I'm only coming in once a month these days [I lowered my voice]...but if today's draw goes well, we can try again!" I felt like I was telling a secret or trying to get away with something. I can't shake the guilt at flying in the face of my hateful-bitch OBG. For those of you new to the blog, this post pretty much sums up her position on things as well as her colorful disposition and lack of trustworthiness.

I then explained to the tech that even if I were to get [dramatic shrug], I would definitely keep coming to the lab periodically - probably more often than I do now.

Tech: "Well, I'll be praying for you!"

That was nice.

It took me all day yesterday to get the results so of course that made me nervous. My OBG is on sabbatical so the on-call doctor called me to give me the good news. She asked "So how much longer are you coming in for?" I told her I was supposed to get tested until January but that the oncologist told me I could try again starting last month. It was like I couldn't stop telling people that I was planning to try again and that the oncologist said it was ok. Not because I'm excited about it (which I am, of course, though the excitement is edged out just a bit by fear still), but because I think I'm looking for approval from just about anyone I come across in the medical community. Even if it's just from the lab tech or the on-call doctor. I'm looking for a kind voice to tell me that it's not only "ok" to try again, but that it's great, anything to distance myself from what I've been hearing from my OBG. I'm looking for reassurance I guess. And on some level I'm hoping that the news gets back to my OBG that I'm trying again - I'd love to get that conversation over with. I'm expect it to be hostile and uncomfortable. I'll probably cry, as I usually do after a conversation with her. As an aside, I am still planning to switch OBGs if I fall pregnant again - but it seems premature to talk about so I'll leave that discussion for another post. Right now I have a standing order for HCG draws from her that I plan to take full advantage of.



The on-call doctor politely obliged, even though it was probably more information than she was asking for. She said "great so keep getting tested and keep trying and we'll hope to catch you somewhere in-between!" At first I thought that was an odd comment, what did she mean by that...somewhere in between? But really, that's exactly the word for it, isn't it? When you get a positive pee stick or HCG but before you see a heartbeat or before the end of the first tri (or the whole pregnancy for that matter). That is when you're somewhere in between.