More telling

Early this week I was showing V one of my new flowy tops and thinking how smart I was with my fashion lately (at this point my 'condition' was still a secret at the office, largely) when she said "yeeeeaahhhhh... you might want to start telling people soon." I was the opposite of insulted. Even if she was suggesting I wasn't as clever as I thought I was, she was suggesting that I'm starting to look pregnant! Well, what she was probably really suggesting is that I'm starting to look fat and should start telling the office if for no other reason than to dispel rumors that I'm letting myself go. But hey, I'll take it. Because I still latch on desperately to any hint that this is all real.

So I started telling - a couple partners, a few associates - the people I'm closest to and work with most. Maybe only five people altogether. And that's it for now. I'm going to let that marinate for a while. Hopefully everyone will just 'get it' soon. It feels so silly stopping in to people's offices just to declare my reproductive choices and maybe mention my plans to take a leave 6 months from now. I think that's why I only ended up telling a few people, I want it to come up naturally.

It went over well, this office is really supportive of the decision to have a family. Only one of the partners made me question whether things at work will really be similar to how they are now after the baby arrives. When I mentioned I was planning to come back full time, she said "Good! You can! You can have a career and be partner and have a family! You just have to hire the right people." This was from our only female partner.

DH is still beating the drum of wanting to be the SAHDad. Hmph. I'm going to let you all in on a little secret. Shhhh, don't tell my bosses. I don't want to be a partner. Ever. I have at least 5 more years as an associate but I am already trying to think of ways out and none of my options seem to be as high paying as my current position. So while I'm willing to work, I am not so comfortable with only having my singular income and health plan, especially if my job won't be so high paying in a few more years. So discussions continue but I am not a big fan of the idea right now. I grew up with a lot of opportunities - to do sports and activities and camps, to travel, etc. and naturally, I want those things for my kids. DH grew up on a shoestring and naturally thinks that idea is just fine. "The more money I have the more miserable I get." He says. He is miserable at his job. This is causing friction in our relationship too. So we have some s-- to figure out. Soon.

I planned a trip to Cabo for December. You read that right. I will be (if all goes well) taking a 3.5 month old to Mexico during my maternity leave. I debated and researched and talked to new moms about this idea and the bottom line is that it's doable and might even be fun. My parents will be on the trip, so that will be important. They initiated it - I don't think I would have been brave enough to suggest it on my own. And it will force DH and I to get all of the gear necessary to actually get out of the house as a family within those first three months which is nice because then we will have it, we will have done a vacation, and (again, hopefully) we will realize it's not so bad - we'll be prepared for trips, for getting out of the house, for exposing our kids to the outside world. And I don't mean we plan to travel a great deal internationally in the early years - it'll just be nice to not balk at the idea of a weekend trip to the grandparents' (who live in a great area for hiking, kayaking, etc.) or a day trip to the beach.

I keep doing things that I did during my last pregnancy that make me think that if I believed in jinxes I'd be in a lot of trouble. This vacation with the parents is one of them. I planned to take my baby with us to Florida after it was born last year. The trip came and went and there was no baby. I also talked to C about nanny sharing this week. I talked to her about that last year too - now her kid is enrolled in daycare and mine still isn't born yet. Every time I make a plan or have a thought about the future or tell people I'm pregnant or when my EDD is, I am overcome by this melancholy mood and something says, "if only I could be sure, then I'd really enjoy this. I'd be really excited about this vacation. I hope I don't have to look back on this idea/thought/plan six months from now and think how sad it is that I was so hopeful, so optimistic...silly me." I suppose I can't do that to myself. We don't know what's going to happen. Not just to our babies in utero but to our lives and those of our loved ones. I don't know if my parents will be around six months from now. Or DH or even me. A number of tragedies could make me miss the time when I was happy and hopeful, but we can't live in that trench or we'll never find any joy in anything.

Oh, and I almost forgot the most exciting development this week. I started researching new OBGs! I have spent a lot of time on this and have already been sorely disappointed a few times. After spending hours researching and talking to people and reading reviews I had the perfect doctor in mind and of course when I finally got to the step of calling her office, she wasn't covered by my insurance plan and I can't change my plan until next December. Then I spent a few more hours researching and reading and talking and found another doctor who's supposed to be amazing and delivers at the hospital I like and has midwives on staff as nurses (which I love even though I am planning to get an epi if I need one - and I am using 'need' more loosely than some do...though less loosely than others) but his staff is difficult and obnoxious (I read this in reviews and have already experienced it first hand) and he turns out to be not in the office very much. When he is around he's really busy. Nonetheless, I made an appointment with him for a month from now (the soonest he could see me) and decided to keep my next appointment with my hateful bitch obg. So I'm on a delayed plan to switch. Baby steps.

She really is bad, my OBG. As I was doing research I looked her up on ye!p and noticed that I am not alone in my disgust. And in particular, one reviewer had had a horrible L&D experience with her. She is apparently extremely stubborn about making calls herself during labor, doesn't let the patient make decisions about things like drugs, and dismisses any techniques or methods that patients might have learned in a birthing class. V had a similarly bad L&D with this doctor. She ended up with a C-section after vacuum, forcepts, and an episiotomy (sp?). Later her entire OBG family agreed that all she would have had to do is flip over on her hands and knees to avoid the invasive action. Now, I'm not setting myself up with any expectations about how L&D is going to go. I expect it to be complete chaos and extremely uncomfortable for about 24-48 hours. I am prepared for that. But I do not want to be dealing with bitchery on top of it. And I do not want to be getting in fights and stressing myself and the baby out more than will already be the case. So I am motivated to switch. But it is a PITA and I hate the void of information out there about these doctors and the lack of choices given the insurance quagmire. These are all reasons the switch has been delayed. Also, my oncologist (love him) is not in the new doc's group, in fact a lot of things I liked about my old group (courteous, responsive staff, online test results, all-in-one facility) will be gone. But I have got to get away from her. She is toxic.