My fourth "First Prenatal" appointment

Back to my ol' OBG today. She gave me literature and told me how much fish not to eat. I talked to her about skipping the second tri genetic screening and agreed it was kind of pointless, given my off the charts great results for the first tri screening paired with the fact that we'll be getting a detailed anatomy u/s in the second tri to check the spine (which, it turns out, is the first thing they do if the AFP # comes up abnormal so there really is no point to the lab for me).

I then confirmed that I had had a normal pap last year and asked if we could push the next one until after the pregnancy. She kind of flipped out, which I expected. She said "why don't we talk about the reasons you don't want to do something that would safeguard your health." I blamed anxiety - same sort as is related to the second tri screening. I didn't get into everything I've learned from Dr. Google about abnormal paps during pregnancy and invasive diagnostic follow-ups because I didn't want to get a lecture. But she gave me a lecture anyway, just a different kind. She started asking me about whether I had spoken to anyone about my anxiety issues (she knows I was on zoloft for a while) and made me fill out a mood analyzer test. She started treating me like a mental patient, full on. Asking about anxiety in other areas of my life and suggesting that I could go back on zoloft during pregnancy if I wanted, warning me about post partum depression. Actually, I feel great. Excited. Not depressed. I tried to relay this to her - calmly so as not to incite her suspicions that I am a total nutcase, but I would rather she think I was a total nutcase than yell at me about going on the internet.

Finally she asked "What could possibly have happened that you would be worried about between last year's normal pap and now?" Gotcha.
Me: "Well exactly, I'm not worried about anything actually being wrong. If I hadn't gotten a pap last year, I would be concerned and would want the pap."

She finally got it. And even went as far as admitting that some patients go once every two years and that's acceptable if all prior paps have been normal. And at this point, she had no argument. No pap, no problem. She was almost cheerful about it after she was forced to admit that there was no real point in doing it now.

Eventually she tried to find the baby's heartbeat with a doppler. She couldn't. I got really quiet and - this being in the same room I got the bad news in last year - could not escape the growing sense of doom. She asked if I was worried and of course I said yes. Who wouldn't be. "Sometimes you can't hear it at this appointment. Why are you worried, what could have happened between last week and now!" I don't know. Just about anything I suppose.

Fortunately she pulled out the u/s machine and I got to see my baby. It was really still. It took her a minute but she found the heartbeat visually. We saw it, she pointed it out to me, but she didn't turn on the sound. I wish she had. It would have made me feel even better. The u/s image was too silent. But I did see the heart. Moving. And that's enough for me. The doc tried the doppler again now that she thought she knew where the baby was hiding but she still couldn't get the hb. Ugh.

This all made me think twice about this doppler idea. I know me and I will not be able to concentrate on anything else if I can't find that hb. So maybe I should wait a few more weeks to try it. Or maybe I should never try it.

The office is so disorganized when it comes to scheduling. My first hint was when they failed to give me the first tri screening paperwork. Today they neglected to explain when my next appointment would be and what that would be about. I heard someone say 4 weeks from now. And that they would give me a pee cup on my way out. But they didn't. So I'm kinda on my own right now. On the verge of the second tri. There is probably no additional information that I'll get between now and the whole world knowing. That's a scary thought. Especially if I don't have the doppler to help me along.

I'm pregnant.

I don't know when I'll be able to say those words out loud. To anyone. To accept congratulations. To say it matter-of-factly and not qualify it with "but it's still early." To talk about maternity leave. To get my parents emotions involved. I still don't feel ready for any of this. I think I'll give it a test run with C tomorrow. Maybe.